i wonder what 10 year old me would do if i told her that her best friend is actually the love of her life.
i know that you love me. it’s palpable.
i know that you’re not wasting time stuck in an endless cycle. i know you clawed your way out.
we’re tied together eternally by a single day. happy birthday baby. happy birthday to me.
i wonder if you know that i could talk to you for hours about the most meaningless things, and it would still be the experience of a lifetime.
you remember that my favorite color is orange. and no organs like a sunset, but orange like a papaya. you remember that my favorite food is pasta and that i hate the taste of steak. you remember my two childhood dogs and nickname my mother told you on a random weekend back home. you remember me in a way i only wish to remember myself. you remember me beautiful.
i love our mundane conversations more than i hav ever loved any boy. that’s how i know we are something true.
pick what you want. i don’t even care if it’s me. please just choose. you know the back and forth is breaking me.
i’m drawn to you. and i have been for a lifetime.
i can feel myself falling. and i have never ever been happier.
we were so close yet so so far. like december and january are.
i will close your door but i refuse to lock it.
i am terrified of failure. yet right now it is all i can produce.
i am not crazy. i am not crazy. i am not crazy. i am not crazy. i am not crazy. i am not crazy. i am not crazy. i am not crazy. i am not crazy. i am not crazy.
someone asked me today if i had ever been in love. i shook my head no because what we had can’t fit under one four letter word.
with my luck, i’m sure you’ve gotten everything you wanted. i’m sure the seas part at your will and the birds chirp when you order it. with my luck you’re happy.
i am argumentative. i am opinionated. that does not make me loud.
all my ghosts laugh at how i live my life now. and it doesn’t bother me even the slightest bit.
i feel like myself again. i don’t know if i should be proud or terrified.
cold air hits my lungs and i finally feel alive again.
i saw all the stars tonight. dozens of miles away from harsh city light. i can only dream to be as beautiful as them.
i have bookshelves of dreams. all dying to be the one i choose to live out.
am i giving my life away to a dream that may never happen?
i stopped pretending you were mine today. or that you ever were.
my biggest dreams couldn’t match the life we’re going to build together.
i feel safe and soft in your arms.
you at mine. and if the sun sets for the last time today, i will be happy knowing you are mine.
i long to be simple minded.
i can tell he’s mine because he whispers my name every night just before he falls asleep.
they can keep their guys, because him. he’s mine.