I want to hide away from everyone forever. I dont want anybody to see me or to look at me anymore
I have never cried About how fucking hideous I was until today. I bawled my eyes out and got so aggressive I cut open my knuckles from punching my headboard too Hard. I tried aggressively cutting but that didn’t work so I beat the fuck out of myself and now my legs are swollen internally. I dont know what’s wrong with me but I am very scared and upset and I just wish that I was Loved
I’m hurting both physically and mentally it feels like I’m back with Her I just want to be beautiful to you
My hands got soaked in blood from punching my legs so hard it re-opened my self harm from a couple of hours ago
I just wish you actually loved me I wish you thought I was beautiful
I feel so fucking destructive right now it’s taking everything in me not to fucking brutally stab my stomach over I’ve already sliced my damn legs up but that’s not enough anymore I need to be unrecognizable
You will never fucking understand what I go through in this specific situation you don’t know and you trying to help me only makes me mad and upset you just don’t fuckjng get it you never will
It hurts less more and more everyday but I am still sad over you kinda. I miss you. Sometimes I want to unblock and go back to you but I know that wouldn’t ever happen and that’s okay.
Tomorrow was supposed to be our 8 month anniversary.
It sort of hurts thinking about it. Obviously I’m grateful it’s not, but man, what could’ve been….I don’t need to focus on what could’ve been. If I didn’t get what I want that’s because the universe has something better for me—and I’ve received that better already.
Its just going to take some time to heal. I’ve already been healing pretty nicely I think. I still kind of miss you because like … we spent so much time together. And I just hope you miss me too. I hope you eventually mourn you like how I do, and realize you’re missing something from your life that was wonderful.
Why do I keep seeing things that remind me of you or I would’ve sent to you if you were still here. God. I hate you so much please get out of My head
It felt like I was back in that relationship all over again finding out she lied to me I feel like death I’m going to fucking relapse I hate this I hate my body I hate my everything I just wish I was cis I hate my self
Everything hurts it was like I was talking to her again I’m hideous and I never want to look at myself again I just feel so ugly and terrible and so unworthy I wish that a specific genital was preferred over my whole entire fucking being I hate myself you Make me hate myself I’m so hideous and ugly and I never want to be seen by anyone ever again
I’m experiencing the feeling I felt when I found out she looked at other people sexually and lied to me about it
Everyone I love and have broken up with or left are all the fucking same they always will be they will always think I’m gross or repulsive or ugly or just fucking wish that I had a fucking dick they will always cross my boundaries and prefer looking at other things besides me And think I’m fucking ugly I keep getting betrayed over and over and over and over I will never ever truly be loved for who I am I fucking hate everyone
I dont Even Know what to say I want to say things but I can’t it’s too much I feel like I can’t I wish I could but I just can’t
I feel like puking i feel like I’ve just been robbed of all my love and that resulting in my hatred for romance I just . I’m so dysphoric I’m so bitter I’m so angry I just want an escape I just want someone for fucking once to love me and my imperfections and not prefer a specific fucking genital over my entire being I don’t know what to do I don’t believe anyone when they say they love me anymore because they’re fucking lying
I just want to give up on everything I fucking Hate my life I hate romance I hate sex I hate myself I hate everyone I fucking hate existing I just wish I was dead so fucking bad holy fuck I’m going to kill myself maybe that’s what I should do for my 18th birthday just blow my fucking head off
I’m repulsive to everyone I love
Everybody that I love or end up in a relationship with are all the same they all think I’m disgusting and repulsive and will leave me I fucking hate romance it’s dead to me and I would rather fucking end my life then ever be romantically involved again it has done nothing but hurt me and kill me and make me feel so small and insignificant and hideous and ugly and stupid I fucking hate everything
I try not to be so pessimistic or nihilistic but it’s like there is nothing to be happy about for me today was actually a good day but it all came crashing down when I realized everyone I love doesn’t care about me nor do they see me as a man and they see me as some hideous disfigurement of a person and they would all like me better if I had a fucking cock I hate myself so much I just wish I was likable
I’m so repulsive to Everyone I know everyone would just love Me better if I had a cock nobody loves me for who I am they all want me to be someone I’m not and I can’t fucking change that I can take hormones and everything but it still won’t change the fact I won’t have a dick I wish I could fucking Die I am so unlovable and ugly to everyone I hate my self I hate myself so fucking much I wish I was a man I wish I was a fucking man I hate this so fucking much I hate my fucking body I hate my genitals I hate myself I hate myself I wish that I Could just be a fucking man
I’ll always be imperfect even to the ones I love
I’ll never be a man to anyone. I’ll never be beautiful to anyone. I’ll never be satisfying enough for anyone. There is always just something wrong with me and I don’t know what that is. I will always be imperfect to everyone. There will always be something awful about me that makes people like me a little less.
All I want is to be liked. All I want is to be loved. All I want is to not be imperfect to someone. I want someone to respect who I am and not prefer things over me. I fucking hate myself man. I hate everyone that I know and love and want them out of my life. I hate everything. I just wish I could rot away forever and fucking die.
Nobody will ever truly love me. And I get proved right every fucking time.
I’m just a mistake
I really fucking miss you, you know. I fucking hate you. I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. Im so hurt.
I’m so fucking sad. It hasn’t even been a month so it’s expected for me to feel this way. But it’s just so unbearable. I feel so hurt and empty. We took up so much of each others time so of course I miss you. I have to stop getting mad at you or caring about what you’re doing. It’s really fucking me up.
I want you to come back to me but I also wish you were dead. I just want you out of my brain. I dont want to accept that I miss you.
I really fucking miss you
I hate that I was so attached to you. I really fucking loved you and you didn’t even love me that much. I hate you so much but I love you still
I broke again today.
Well, not really broke. But currently I’m quietly crying.
I do miss you. I really do. I saw a video where it was two people who called each other mama and bunny and it just reminded me so much of you. It reminded me so fucking much of you.
I miss you more than anything. I know that we should go out separate ways and that we shouldn’t be in each other’s lives, but I miss you still. I hate that it ended the way it did. I don’t even know if we still would’ve been friends, I don’t know anything about what could’ve happened because it won’t. And that’s okay. I really don’t need you in my life anyways.
You make me really sad about myself sometimes. I wonder why you treated me the way you do, but also realize you were also facing a lot. Maybe this is the way it should’ve been, where we didn’t even interact with each other at all. I miss you. It feels like such a big piece of me is missing, but I know that the void gets filled more and more everyday.
You did leave me with a lot of things to deal with, but I don’t have to deal with them on my own. I’m getting out more. I got a job. I’m back in school, and am going to attend big school things like homecoming and prom without worrying about you or wishing you were there. I know you projected a lot of your insecurity on me. And I’m sorry that you had to do that.
I’m also sorry that I might’ve added onto your insecurities too. My messages to you were hateful. But I’m not going to block you and apologize. I still honestly believe you deserved to be brutally humbled. It doesn’t make me feel any less guilty. And I still miss you. I miss you a lot, and sort of appreciate you reaching out. It meant you missed me, and that made me feel good for awhile. But I don’t need your validation anymore, you never really validated me anyways.
I gave my all to you, and while you didn’t give it back, I am glad that I was at least able to share my kindness. I am happy that i was kind enough to share my love with someone who I thought was nice. It means I’m a nice person, and you made me feel I wasn’t a lot of the time. But I only know that you were doing that because of your personal issues you took out on me. Maybe you just need to grow up.
I still miss you. I really do. And sometimes I wonder if I should’ve just stayed with you instead of breaking it off. But breaking it off is worth it. I will not hurt myself, I will not go to a mental hospital, I will not attempt nor commit suicide over you. I will handle this right this time. I am allowed to miss you and miss the happy memories we did share while also knowing that this was a good thing for me. I hate you a lot still, but the hatred lessens everyday, and I become neutral about you. I don’t know what I want to happen to you, but whatever it is, I hope it’s far away from me. I hope it never enters my life. Maybe one day we will talk again, and you’ll be better, and we can possibly become friends. But I don’t even want that, really.
I am still hurting, because I spent so much time with you in 7 months. But I was just fine before I met you, meaning I can be fine without you too. I know I can, and I have. Things will look up for me. And me missing you will lessen. Me wishing I could’ve shut up will be completely tarnished. You will not be in my brain anymore. You will then miss me again, you’ll regret what you have done, and I’ll be everything your brain consumes. And I’m glad for that. Just so I can let you know that I am much better without you.
I miss you. But I’m glad you aren’t here anymore.
I just want you back I know I can’t have it and in reality I know it would be terrible to have you back. In reality I don’t even fucking want you back. But im spiraling and im so lost without you. I dont know what to do. I feel I still love you. I dont know what to fucking do. I just dont want to live anymore. I just want to fucking die. I hate you but god I would do anything for you in my life again. I just wish we could reverse time. I wish this didn’t happen. I wish j wasn’t alive
I fucking hate it.
I hate every moment without you. You’ve been on my mind more recently. Every lovey dovey thing reminds me of you. Every single thing reminds me of you. I still wonder how you’re doing. And I still wonder if you will ever come back to me.
Im still attached to you. I still want you back. It still hurts that you are really over thus (or what it seems). God I want you back so bad. I hate that I do but fuck I really, really do. I want you back more than fucking anything.
I miss you and your presence. I regret ever sending hateful messages to you. I regret even telling anybody what happened. If you came back i dont know if id be happy or hurl. I wish it didn’t end the way it did. I wish you were still with me. I wish we were still together.
I know that logically it would be better for me to move on from you and to heal and to just. Never EVER go back to you. But fuck I want to. I want you back so goddamn bad. I Miss you. I still love you.
I wish you could come back into my life again. I really, really do. I wish we never even broke up. But you’re such a piece of shit and a terrible person. But I still miss you. I feel so broken without you. Please just come back to me in some way. I miss you so fucking much. I just want you. I can’t stop thinking about you or missing you or anything. You were my whole world I just fucking wish you could’ve reciprocated it goddamnit. I did everything for you. I still love you so much I really do. I didnt mean all those awful nasty things I said about you or anything.
Im sorry i lashed out. I’m sorry.
Now I really dont have a chance back with you and I fucking hate it. I just want to talk to you again. I remember all the good memories and im just crushed. You were my everything. I fucking loved you goddamnit why did you do this to me. Im not over you I just want you back I can’t stand it.
I know you were terrible. I know that you lied to me. I know you did terrible things behind my back probably. But I don’t even care. I would still let you do those things to me if it meant you could come back & we would be together. I fucking miss you man. I do. I fucking love you my heart still loves you so much even though you spat it out on the ground and crushed it. I wish you weren’t so fucking evil. I wish you didnt do this to me. I fucking miss you. I dont want to but I do.
I wish that I could’ve just talked to you normally I wish this never fucking happened I just wish I lived in ignorant bliss forever if it meant I could stay with you. Goddamnit. God fucking dammit. I love you so much still. I can’t go on. I really can’t.
I fucking hate you so much for making me feel this way. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. God why.
I can accept that being lovable doesn’t mean everyone will love me. It hurts. That is a normal human emotion. Pain is a normal human emotion, and that is what i’m experiencing. It’s just simply pain and doesn’t define who I am, nor my future, nor anything.
As Hard as this may be, it really is just the first day. I am allowed to struggle and to feel bad. Shit, I had good times. I had really good and fun times! And they made me feel good. But sometimes things aren’t meant to be, and that’s okay. My pain will not last forever. My grieving and mourning will not last forever. I am allowed to feel this because I cared! I loved hard! I truly tried my best, so that’s really all that mattered.
Again, sometimes things aren’t meant to be. Instead of letting this control my life, how about I frame it like this:
She felt like my world but the truth is? She is just another person. She was my person, but now she is not. I was attached to her, and I am revising myself not to be that way anymore. As painful as this may be right now, it’s only temporary. This is just where I’m at right now, but this too shall pass. Time is gonna pass anyways, so why should I just sulk and mourn for someone that really wasn’t good for me? I know that I’m scared, but I’m going to get through this situation scared. Petrified, even.
Now that she’s gone, what can I do freely? I can:
*hang out with my friends as much as I want
*dress however I want and be promiscuous and provocative
*really get focused on my future instead of feeling as if I’m held back
*not focus on social media so much and let it consume me, especially online relationships
I’ve done this many times before. I really thought it was the end of my world! But look at me now—I’ve had ups and downs and unfortunately have found myself in the same place. But guess what? I know what to do. This is only a learned experience. I will continue to learn. It will all be okay even if it doesn’t feel like it. I will live and I will survive.
It’s so fucking hard being in love with two people at the same time