Heartbroken - Blog Posts

I have moved on. You took everything. The stars don't remember our dance, the flowers have withered away, my hand no longer recognizes your face, i've embraced the emptiness of my bed, the wind no longer wishpers your name. That's how i know i moved on from you.

"I may have lost someone who didn't love me, but you lost someone who truly loved you"

One of favorite moments

GOD, WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME FERRANTE!

god.

You were holding my heart in the palms of your hand. You could have been gentle yet you decided to crush it.

𝑭𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆.

We pretend we don't exist anymore.

We aren't "us" now

I thought we were besties 4 life 🥺😢

Are you active now (please say yes)

I hate you

Heart- Break again finds a Way

In Strom, I tend to play defensive rather than going with the flow, enjoying the beauty of destruction. I constantly shove my face too deep inside the sand, so that I can ignore my feelings until they lose their voice by screaming. I fell in love with a boy, at the age of twenty-four, you would think I would be mature enough to handle a silly crush, however, that's not how the mind works when you get to know that silly crush also likes you back. Well, crush is a powerful word, it was more like a stupid joke rather than crush. We both fell in love but I fell harder, I used to wait for his text and calls when he is not even ready for something long-term, not like I was thinking of long-term. But unfortunately, it's me who crashed harder. The anxiety inside my mind forced me to analyze every and each word, every action, which turned me into a big ugly green-eyed monster that may be and hopefully, I am not. He drunk-texted me the L-word which again made me hopeful and again made me sad thinking he would run the moment the clarity will hit him the next morning. And he did the same thing, I imagined he would. But at the same time, I get to realize one thing, someday I will find someone who will not be afraid to join in my weirdness and won't say he is confused. I deserve someone who won't hesitate to take my hand and also came to the conclusion, someday he is also gonna find someone who will have the patience to wait for him, let him go at his slow pace. Alas, and fortunately that person is not me.

There was happiness because of you and there will be happiness after you.

eras mi refugio pero me dejé caer:

nunca imaginé que este momento llegaría, todo estaba tan bien, todo era amor y dulzura. ¿qué fue lo que pasó? jamás sentí un dolor como este, se me desgarró el corazón y lloré como nunca. se rompieron tantas cosas en mi que no se van a poder arreglar, se fueron tantas cosas lindas y ahora solo quedan recuerdos. recuerdos que duelen, que son puñaladas en mi corazón hecho trizas. todo lo que vivimos, todos los momentos que no van a volver a suceder jamás los tengo que dejar ir pero es lo que menos quiero, no quiero dejarte ir. me aferro tan fuerte que me sangran los dedos y con esa sangre escribo estas palabras. los días ya no son los mismos, decirte adiós es dejarte ir con un pedazo de mi alma que no va a regresar pero que se puede reemplazar. ¿ ahora cómo hago para curarme? si todo lo que siento es dolor. no quiero dejarme llevar por la marea que me llama a gritos, no quiero ahogarme, no quiero perderme de nuevo. quiero encontrarme pero para eso tengo que desgarrarme más y arrancarte, dejar que el viento te lleve y verte ir. siempre dije que nunca me iba a ir de tu lado a no ser que me lo pidas, supongo que llegó el momento. me voy a curar, a componerme de la pérdida mientras te deseo lo mejor.

*in a soft, broken whisper* but why not me?? why not me?? why couldnt it have been me instead? am i lacking something? was i not enough for you??? what did i do wrong?

It occurred to me last night, while the moon cried for Xanax, how maybe if I focused hard enough for the right amount of time, I might learn to accept the fragments you left. Perhaps one of these tomorrows will find me walking into the ghosts of you the way I now walk into that cold Parisian rain: compliant and composed, unbothered despite every pore on this skin that clothes my bones begging me to bathe under the fires of the sun.

Jezzini (Parisian Rain on Orbit(X))

black lips

five weeks before you broke my heart, i had this dream where my father stood in front of me. two generations lost in close-knit shadows, facing the other in the midst of a nightmare & staring deep into the vortex of each other's eyes.  

in a rusty voice, he recited to my face every lie he's ever told.

his childhood, the seize, the running, my mom, his misery.

in the rhythm of his words, in the flow of his lies, his lips began turning black.

Lie      after               lie, his lips, a shade d   e      e         p            e               r in the obscurity.

turning my back on this show proved useless, as my neck was stiff & my legs, knee-deep in thick soil.  

stare & listen, while tears water the ground

i tried screaming, as to suffocate the torture of his words with my own shriek. but my mouth was sealed closed & my hands, disloyal to my commands.

i woke up a fountain of cold sweat, sobbing.

....

two nights before we murdered our love in cold blood,   we met for drinks at a bar à vins. the gleam in our eyes yelled to the entire world how traces of ancient grapes ran in our blood. god were we playful while life was onto us.

sneaky little romance

we talked about it all that night: gravity & flying,      friction & fire, language & riddles. for the 500th time, you corrected my pronunciation of the letter u. & in the stretching of your mouth, i fell victim to the evident art in your beauty; jawlines dancing in perfect rhythm; an enigmatic symmetry traced in your face.  

on our way home, we walked the streets as if sidewalks were made for peasants & we had just been crowned kings. laughing,    stumbling, holding onto each other.

in a deserted street, you wrapped me in your arms while murmuring in a secretive voice:  

i love you

we both smiled.

& under beams of moonlight, while my eyes hunted for your eyes, i noticed red wine had stained your lips black.

- @skinthepoet

I don’t want to, trust me, but I’ll be damned if they think of me as a fool.

“I’m going to have to give you up. And it’s the last thing I want to do.”

— but if I don’t let go now, I won’t make it

Anger is easier to confront than sadness.

Fuck you is easier to say than I still love you.

“It’s so fucking painful, the thought of them together. I have never been a possessive person but the idea of him being with her just makes me feel a kind of pain I haven’t felt before.”

— why her and not me

I’ll be here waiting for you. I want you to know that if you ever decide that you want me, I’m here. I’ve always been incredibly stubborn much to my own dismay. And it’s not going to be any different this time. So I will wait for you. Maybe you will come back, probably you won’t. But I’m not going to stop waiting for you.

I’m not giving up on us.

In that brief time, you gave me a little taste of what love could be like

Take care

💞

You succeeded at hurting your fellow reaver fan🥲

I'm going to hurt my fellow Reaver fans and I'm not sorry

Reaver suffering from night terrors and having constant nightmares. It's why he enjoys the night life. The constant parties that run into the day. The thrills of sex and other extravagant things he does to fill his life.

Yet he would rather suffer each time he has to rest instead of dying.

Godfrey Gao, the first Magnus Bane I loved and imagined while reading SH Books. He was a great actor. I can't believe that he passed away. 😭

May his soul rest in peace. You'll always be in our hearts.

When my sanity is tied so tightly to the notion

That you will always be mine

I hope you understand why I'm broken

When the strings of fate that tangled us together

Begin unraveling

Like the denumount of a bittersweet film

That I've seen coming but just can't bear to watch.

I've turned the ending in my mind

Like a smooth stone in my hand

Feeling for any scratch and mar

To justify holding on

Instead of skipping it on the surface of the sea.

-

5/14

The mountain mist

(And the paleness of its shroud)

Is a constant reminder

(In the darkness of my thoughts)

Of how much I really

(Unknowingly, but undoubtedly)

Missed you

There was so much more

That i should have said

So i look at the sky

And scream to the stars

The words that would've

Made you stay