Worthless - Blog Posts

So there's this girl. I really like and care for her. We've been talking every day for months. Gone on a few dates. We have tons of chemistry. For context, I'm in my thirties I haven't had chemistry like this much in my life.

Three weeks ago we had talked about what we want our relationship to look like, boundaries, wants, life styles, we got into the weeds of things like what chores we prefer and hate.

We haven't really talked since. Last night she came out of hiding. We caught up a bit. She went over how she felt bad that we haven't talked because she has her own mental health stuff she wanted to recoup from. I brought up it was three weeks and she felt awful. She said that she thought it was only one. We caught up a bit and topic by topic went through things. I brought up the relationship stuff. She said we can go over that tomorrow (that being tonight) on our video chat date.

Yep, I'm getting broken up with someone over video conference. I give it a 5% chance that it goes positive. But yeah, after being ghosted for that long signs all point to one direction.

For history sake I want to bring up that this is the standard. Me and a girl like each other, talk a lot, I help them through things and they leave. It's been awhile though. Two or three years since the last one and that was a doozy. I'm always a day late and a dollar short. I'm not worth trying just a little bit for if even considered at all.

Russian Doll (2019 - Present)

For you it’s is a contrast of your girl a princess and a thrash bin. For him it’s almost the same.

She will never be the same as before.

Day 11: Cruel

This was rather difficult to figure out what to draw. In the end, I came up with a feeling that I'm certain a lot of us struggle with. It sucks, but it's also kinda reassuring to know that it's not an uncommon thought, and we're not alone in this

i spend my time telling my 'friends' that i have a lot of free time and i'd love to spend time with them and hang out and all

and then i spend my time seeing new posts on my feed where they're all together having parties or even just hanging out at one of their houses and they're all happy, saying how cool it is to be all together

and no one told me about it, no one thought about inviting me, no one remembers my very existence, and they won't mind talking about it while i'm here, it's just completely normal for them to cut me off their lives whenever they want to and pretend they don't mean it

sooo my friends have been making plans right in front of me and not including me for a while and they keep talking about it all the time when i’m around and the whole crew is invited except me

so far they planned holidays and movie nights, some in a few days, some in a few weeks

and i know i sound kinda angry or jealous or anything but honestly i just feel worthless and it hurts to see i’m not wanted and it’s just proving me right, i’m not important and they’re better without me

It's sad providing so little to anyone else, they never even bother to message you.

Existing here, the way I do, only furthers my want to stab my own eyes out with a rusty fork

I wish I could die. In no dramatic sort of way. I wish I could slip away and no one notice. I wish it could be peaceful. The way you expect an old dog to pass, like everyone has been waiting for it for a while.

I still love you, it’s just different now. You made your choices.

I just want to talk to you. I just want to spill my guts to you and for you to hold me and make it better. It’s always been you.

Why did you bother? What was the need? You knew we both couldn’t leave what we had. But you wore me down. You made me feel like it was meant to be us against the world. But when it came down to it you made the choice you swore you wouldn’t and all I could do was say goodbye and let you go.

I turn the lights on in the middle of the night just to check you’re still breathing 💔  

Now who's going to love me for the scars you left behind??

Thoughts of us keep me awake 😔

It's so hard not to think about her 😔💔

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