Im So Angry - Blog Posts

Bella in the movies: bland, fragile, barely any emotion, madly in love with edward and has virtually no flaws because shes a husk of who she could be, clumsy and ditzy

Bella in the books: sarcastic, highkey autistic, still clumsy, finds flaws with edward but loves him anyway ig, steals a car to save her mom, always feeling something like confusion, sadness and frustration towards the peeps in her life

They did my girl dirty in Twilight but that doesn't mean i want a

REBOOT STAY AWAY FROM TWILIGHT DIRTBAGS!!!!

Monday, May 29th, 2023

3:29pm

Here’s the texts of when I texted my older sister, 5 months after everything that happened while I was in New York City with her.

Here’s what I said to her:

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Stop- I hate him sm 😭😭😭😭

scum love (new playlist, cause my bf and I broke up on monday)

slutgarden - marilyn manson

no mercy - deathbyromy

zitti e buoni - måneskin

cockroach waltz - jack off jill

wait and bleed - slipknot

skinny little bitch - hole

rabbitteen - jack off jill

la paula de buio - måneskin

everything's brown - jack off jill

angst - leftovers

dead! - mcr

w1nner - tj_beastboy

kinderzimmer - leftovers

bla bla bla - måneskin

she said - the jins

underjoyed - jack off jill

du bist schon tot bevor du lebst - leftovers

left behind - slipknot

endless, nameless - nirvana

(if I would need to describe my relationship I would say: jack off jill and leftovers songs)

"i never see you getting angry, when i was your age i used to be so, so angry"

perhaps we're more similar then i think mother, i don't think I've stopped screaming internally since the 7th grade, the amount of violence it took to convert my tears into deep-rooted anger, but i listen to your sad past anyways, unflinchingly, all my anger directed towards my grandmother, and her grandmother, and hers, a long line of cruel women, who in turn built crueler versions of themselves. i can't tell you about how each time i look into a mirror, i see not myself, but all the crueler and harder versions of me, and i see you, the woman i swore not to be when i was little.

i cursed you for sacrificing so much, but I'm older now mama, now i feel the same rage as you do and i curse at how you are all i could be in the future, with the same screaming daughter inside.

I'm 99% I'm about to have a meltdown or am currently experiencing one because I want to scream and cry and hit something and hurt myself and everything is going wrong and feels wrong and I can't breathe and I'm scared I'm going to lash out at my friends even though I don't want to and they haven't done anything wrong and I feel so guilty for just feeling angry at them even though I haven't even said or done anything to them as of yet and I just feel so guilty for just being angry and for experiencing a meltdown and I'm so scared of being mean and angry and hurting them and I'm scared of them seeing me like this cause it's not pretty or easy and it's not fair on them having to deal with it and be around me while I'm like this but nothing is helping and I'm scared, so so scared and one of my friends (who is on the waiting list for an autism assessment and has an autistic sibling) told me they don't see autism as a disability but as a gift but it really doesn't feel like it, especially right now (and in fact this entire week) when i feel like this because omfg is it fucking agonising. I can't even put into words how much it physically hurts and aches and I hate it and I hate that because I'm lower support needs people think it doesn't affect me as much or that it isn't so difficult as to my detriment as if it doesn't affect and impair all parts of my fucking life.

Actavis you and I need to have a conversation because what the fuck

Why

The fuck

Is your pill bottles so goddamned big???

That thing is like half the size of my hand and contains thirty tiny ass pills

They barely cover the fucking bottom. You could have made it half that size and still have more than enough space for the fucking pills

W H Y ???

WHATS THE FUCKING POINT???

i told you i loved the night we spent together

i wish i could have captured the grin you wore

so proud of the terrible things you did to me

how i love that smile

the same lips that grazed my skin not long ago

the same hands that caressed my body

the same hair that I tugged on as i made a show of your acts

it was only an act

all of the good things came to an end

the heavy breathing started

my lungs were collapsing

my heart forgot to beat

it was too busy aching to love you

wishing to be more than just a body

You know what’s fucked up to me? That I feel the need—now want, but in the beginning it was a feeling that it was my onus to fight. I grew up too fast, faced and burdened by the cruelties of the world. As a kid, I never wanted anything more than simplicity. Now? I feel it’s my duty—a chore, it seems at times—to worry myself to insanity over people I don’t know. I turn on the news and you know what I see? Chaos. Not controlled chaos. No. Pure, unrelenting, pain-fuelled chaos. My aspirations are now to go to law school instead of become a teacher or something simple that I’d enjoy. Not because of the money, no that’s not why I want to be a lawyer, but because I feel I owe it to the people who take the hate and violence I’m too scared to admit I should be shouldering too. These people came out and, even though there was the chance—almost guarantee—that they’d face violence, prejudice, hate, and be stripped of basic human rights. I should still be able to be a kid. Not because of my age or immaturity. But because I should be able to enjoy life; not fear it.

I want my blog to be mostly positive and mostly witchy, but given the state of things, I feel I need to share some things because I am angry. Just know, I say these things as they are what I witnessed and grew up being around. Growing up, my (step)family and I were Catholics. I'm not obviously anymore but they still are. We lived in rural Kansas where there was more livestock than people.

These people wouldn't know kindness if it bit them in the ass. When my mom and step dad got married, I was informed and reminded repeatedly that I would never be a real sister, cousin, and I wasn't a part of the family. Mental health issues were a sign of weakness, and I was bullied by peers and adults alike for being too sensitive. Bullying was an everyday occurrence, and I really struck a nerve when I found their mother's suicide note, it was four pages. I read it. Being only 13 years old, I understood

They were also racist, so racist one of my sisters got caught kissing a guy that was not white, I remember a lot of yelling being involved, maybe more but not 100% sure. Throughout this weird Catholic community we also had a lot of Latino people. At school, my peers weren't allowed to speak Spanish, even at recess it was always met with "We speak English here!" I was there at the beginning of the whole "Mexicans are taking our jobs!" In our dating years, we didn't dare bring anybody home that wasn't white.

Being LGBT...um..."Not the way God intended." Is the kindest way to say how it wasn't welcomed. This was met with insults, hate, and biblical rhetoric. And threatened to be disowned if we were.

It's also very much a Pro-life area, growing up during the Summer every other Sunday afternoon all us little chickens and some older chickens would flock to the highway with some Pro-life signs from the church basement and stand along the highway with our signs for a couple of hours.

These people cannot be reasoned with, they refuse to even remotely listen. This mindset has been ingrained in people's brains. Even in my town now, there is still hate. A town maybe 30 minutes away was KKK headquarters for my area. If you aren't straight and white, it's tough.

I'm angry and scared, but I refuse to be dragged back into that pit which I dug out from. I will fight as I did before. I'm bisexual, pro-choice, and I love everyone. We are humans, we all bleed red, and we all deserve love and respect. The sun can warm, but it can also scortch and burn, and I will do my best to help comfort those who suffer.

Not Nancy, Robin, Steve, Mike, or Lucas. None of these characters even talked or cared about Eddie's death. Only Dustin and Wayne are the only people who care and mourn. The fact that max still lives and Eddie died is sad. Nobody after the events of vecna mentioned or even talked about Eddie. These people still let their "friend" be trashed with untrue allegations, not even caring that he was missing. And also basically ignoring It; that shit gets me in my feelings. Why did they have to kill a character just introduced to the season? Is it because of Chrissy and their chemistry together? Idk but it's disgusting to see my boy Eddie not even talked about and not even held a funeral for. What the actual fuck is wrong with these people. Why did he have to be the hero? He died for nothing, nothing at all. HE GOT HIS ORGANS EATEN OUT FOR NO DAMN REASON. I swear if Eddie doesn't magically come back to life or resurrect, I will not watch shit.

The only thing they did right was to kill Jason. They should have just killed off max, too. She looks like she is ready to see god.