Maggie: I’m going to fight the next person who insults my daughter
Enid: I hate myself
Maggie: Alright, square up.
——————
Carl: My aesthetic is "would be suspected of witchcraft by citizens"
——————
Carl: I identify as a threat, my pronouns are Try/Me
——————
Enid: Daryl doesn’t look very happy.
Maggie: That's his happy. He’s just a bitch.
——————
Carl: Did you just call me a shrimp, you asshole?! I'm still growing, dammit!
——————
Glenn: I don't follow the rules. I follow dogs on social media.
——————-
Daryl to Glenn: I mean, I get complimented all the time-
Rick: *starts cackling*
Daryl: I do!
Rick: *Laughs harder*
Nagito: You’re “The second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans”, What’s that even mean?
Kokichi: It means you’re the second worst thing to ever happen to them
Nagito: But what’s the first worst thing?
*Awkward Pause*
Togami: Nagito, they.. weren’t always orphans.
Nagito: …
——————
Nagito: You really believe in Kokichi?
Togami: Luckily, they believe in themself enough for the both of us.
——————
Kokichi: What if mayonnaise came in cans?
Nagito: Well, that would suck because you can't microwave metal.
Togami: Good morning to everyone except these two people.
——————
Togami: So... what’s goin’ on?
Kokichi: You want the long version or the short version?
Togami, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?
Kokichi: Shit’s fucked.
Togami: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.
——————
Kokichi: If you water water, it grows.
Togami: …What?
Nagito: He’s got a point
——————
Kokichi: Why does Togami always do the laundry so loudly?
Nagito: So everyone knows that no one helps them out in the house.
Togami, in the distance: *slams the washing machine shut*
——————
Kokichi: What’s your name?
Nagito, whispering to Togami: Can I tell them my real name?
Togami: No!
Nagito: I’m… Togami.
Togami, whispering to himself: The ONE TIME they get my name right…
——————
Nagito: Why would anyone want to harm Togami?
Kokichi: Maybe because they met him?
——————
Kokichi: Nagito is mad at me, and I'm not sure why.
Togami: Okay, did you talk before they got upset?
Kokichi: ...yes?
Togami: That's probably it.
Mikan: I-If you eat 40,000 b-bananas in 10 minutes, you would d-die of radiation p-poisoning.
Hiyoko: Ah, yes. The radiation would kill you.
——————
Nagito: How petty can you get?
Hajime: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.
——————
Nagito: I just want someone to take me out
Hajime: like on a date or with a sniper gun
Nagito: surprise me
——————
Makoto: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk?
Sayaka: The final boss.
Chihiro: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?
Hina: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer!
——————
Kazuichi: So that’s my plan.
Fuyuhiko : Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean.
Kazuichi: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.
Fuyuhiko : It fucking sucks.
Kazuichi: That’s not constructive criticism.
——————
Yasuhiro: I hate when people ask me, 'What did you do today?' Buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don't KNOW !
——————
Hajime: What doesn’t kill me, better start running because now I’m pissed.
——————
Kokichi: When crows remember people who wronged them and hold a grudge, it’s "interesting" and "cool" but when I do it I’m "petty," and "needing to move on"
——————
Yasuhiro: Hey! Do you wanna hear a joke about a ghost?
Togami: No.
Yasuhiro: That’s the spirit!
Togami: Never speak to me in public again.
Tara, holding in their laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing?
Reid: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language.
Tara:
Tara: Water you doing?
———————
The BAU team every time Gideon does something against the rules: I regret getting dragged into your heterosexual tomfoolery.
———————
Morgan: Hey Reid, do you have any hobbies?
Reid: Swimming..
Morgan: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to-
Reid: In a pool of self hatred and regret.
———————
Luke: You have an impressive pain tolerance.
Reid: Thanks, it's the trauma.
———————
Luke: Isn’t it weird that we can’t ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses weren’t a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn’t ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn’t really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.
JJ: Elephants.
Luke: Blocked.
Matt: Camels.
Luke: Extra blocked.
Garcia: Donkeys.
Luke: Ultra blocked.
Reid: That dick.
Luke: ...Followed.
———————
Morgan: Reid, it’s the third time this week you’ve had a mental breakdown and its Monday.