Journal - Blog Posts
Intro
Hi.
I don’t have much to introduce myself.
You may or may not know me. Only God knows.
Sole purpose of this blog is to write and journal down my thoughts and reflections of my life. In a public blog because, i dont know maybe you guys will get something out of it. Or maybe, I can get something out of you.
Anyway, I don’t want to take too long.
See you.
Sometimes I wonder if people even realize how cruel they can be without saying a word. The way they look at me—cold, dismissive, like I’m something to laugh at or pity. It’s not always about what they say; sometimes it’s just the way they carry themselves around me, like I’m less. I feel overlooked all the time, like I’m just floating in the background, waiting for someone to actually see me. And I hate how much I want to be seen, especially by him. I hate how I catch myself hoping for even a glance from him. It makes me feel pathetic, like I’m betraying myself just to feel worthy for a moment. These past few days, I’ve been so angry. Just simmering beneath the surface. I keep snapping in my head, getting irritated at everything. I’m starting to feel like the angry little girl I worked so hard to bury, the one who, for years, carried the weight of her father’s rage. I hate how deeply I feel things, how sensitive I am. Lately, I’ve been drowning. Not in a river, but under the weight of never feeling satisfied with life.
—A lady and Her Quill, Letters to Dead Children: Ophelia's Journal Entries
Journal #5
Yall I finished my math finals and omg🤦🏾♀️. It was so stressful like it was easy but a with too much pressure. Like I was literally sitting in the library for 3 HOURS!!! Then I have to do it again for science 😭😭😭. I hate school so much.
Journal #4
I just saw sinners yesterday and omg it’s so good. It’s so much symbolism and it’s overall a beautiful movie. I could honestly talk about it for the rest of my life if I could, I might just make a few post about it. I really recommend everyone to go see it IMMEDIATELY. And I do hope it wins an Oscar.
Journal #2
So it finally happened… I cut my hair! I really like it but I ended up dying my hair reddish even though I wasn’t sure. I also had a good ass hot dog after getting my hair done, I know it’s random but yeah. And on the bus stop I ended up talking with this lady about cigarettes and Jesus.
This is the hair:
Update
Why did nobody tell me that relaxers burn like that?! Like I thought it would sting a little like when you bleach your hair 💀💀💀
Journal #1
So yall today I’m getting a relaxer, and before yall start it’s not because I hate my hair. I just want something new. I’m planning on perming it and cutting it into a pixie and I MIGHT go blonde.
Im so excited for it I really can’t wait. I getting my hair cut by a professional cs I lowkey get real scissor happy when I cut my hair 😂. I know it’s gonna be cute when I get it ce I’m going to an old school stylist so I’m not worried. (That was a lie I’m actually scared asf)
Journal #1
So yall today I’m getting a relaxer, and before yall start it’s not because I hate my hair. I just want something new. I’m planning on perming it and cutting it into a pixie and I MIGHT go blonde.
Im so excited for it I really can’t wait. I getting my hair cut by a professional cs I lowkey get real scissor happy when I cut my hair 😂. I know it’s gonna be cute when I get it ce I’m going to an old school stylist so I’m not worried. (That was a lie I’m actually scared asf)
New journal, new ideas
I got a new journal and decided to turn it into a prince’s journal. Whoever reads this journal next will follow the story of a prince, his lovers, and his decent into villainy and madness- all through the prince’s eyes.
Bad hair day rn, i should have stayed home in my bed and hide in shame
A big Dipper! I think it would be really cool if Dipper started creating his own journals (hence the four hand instead of six). I kinda made the hat before I realized Wendy took it in the finale, but hey, you never know, maybe they still sold them at the Mystery Shack? (totally not an excuse *cough cough*)
journal entry from the road, 1AM 13.08.2023, Istria, Croatia.
Inspired by Keren Cytter’s „White Diaries” I’m launching an irregular series of journal entries from the road (I am on the road pretty much the whole time, since last June). May these entries contribute to my monography or at least to my graduation movie.
I’m in amok. For the most of the day I’ve been in amok. I’ve been calling my friends frantically, talking with them about my next, September journey. Planning things isn’t as exciting as it used to be. Today I’ve committed a faux pas. I gave in to my inner greedy goblin. My friend Joffroy told me that he’s got a spot for a vintage near Lyon. I, blinded by vision of being 1800 euros richer enthusiastically signed up, even tho I’ve dropped out of it almost a month ago. Five minutes before that I’ve been bitching to my parents that I feel like I’m being fucked over by my friends, cause I try to make everyone feel good and combine their busy calendars with my urge to go to Latvia to see art and drop acid and whatever else do nomadic art students do when they don’t attend universities. As soon as I announced my decision to leave for a vintage in France, to my Latvian crew they got angry, rightfully. I lacked empathy for my koibito, since we wouldn’t see each other for over 4 months and I didn’t even tell them in a separate call or message bout that. They told me they felt very sad. They were right, it was too sudden, but I was in amok, just today W420’s aunt told us she wouldn’t be hosting us in Berlin, which derailed our summer plans for 7th or 8th time. I took the occasion as it happened, but than I reflected on it realized I could’ve done it more smoothly. I apologized, we sent each others some music we found, it’s better now. Mediatized communication sucks ass. Tomorrow I’m gonna text my koibito I got kicked out anyway since I can’t work for the whole duration of the vintage (that’s 100% true). We’re gonna go to Riga. My parents told Riga is cheap and cool. I don’t have a joint like Cytter does in her diaries, but maybe for the better? It would hurt my lungs and I would get stoned too much, I have weak tolerance. I’m currently living in something that resembles a very luxurious refugee camp, with almost no POC, only rich, white german kids. Imagine 2000 people in tents and vans, crowded, laying almost on another with pitches among those little 5 meter pines. All the way from the mountain to the sea. My dog is getting mad over people walking near the tent. Swimming has cleared my mind. Deep blue of sea depths does its job. I need to sit down and write down some of my research notes for my new movie. I’m gonna build a dirty video mixer. Hopefully with my koibito, we’re gonna play something together. Soon I’m gonna write an analysis about “Parable of the Sower” by Octavia Butler and “Diamond Age” by Neal Stephenson with their implications for further research and my upcoming movie. The landscape is very cowboy here. It’s dry, cut in half with a big road. It’s very sharp and high resolution, like a photo taken on a quality color film. With colors so bright it deceives you at first, that it wasn’t taken on a Texaco station in 1985. This is a landscape Rango wanted to die in.
scared shitless but its ok..
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE VOID STATE AND THE VOID:
tag: @aestheticlizalis
As always, I will love to hear your thoughts! and if you have any questions, I will be more than happy to answer them! If you liked it, leave a comment or reblog (that is always appreciated!). if you are intrested in more method check the masterlist!
Every time I end up talking about the void state, there is a part of me that tends to raise awareness about the void itself. It is a thing the void does not help you manifest, like the void state. In this post, I will try my best to explain how much these two things are truly different.
WARNING: COGNITO HAZARD (For those who do not know, a cognito hazard is a term used to describe an image, pattern, sound, or any other kind of sensory signal that directly causes harmful or undesired physiological or physical effects to one who senses or perceives it. (It is specifically used as a warning when talking about "forced awakening" things like the void.)
You are free to believe or not believe every word I will say in this post, and you are free to not believe every word I say. If, while reading this, you start to feel a negative emotion or a sensation as if you are lost or bodily or emotionally sick, DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
let's get deeper in this rabbit hole shall we?
i will talk breefly about the void state and then i will get in a more detailed way into what the void is, just because i aready explained the void state many times.
the void state:
is a state of deep meditation where you feel like floating and feel nothingness embodies you, making you feel one with the universe helping you to manifest. (Click the name if you actually want to know more.)
the void:
The void is nothing and everything at the same time. Let me explain better: the void is a place where everything is possible and exists, but at the same time is impossible and does not exist. The thing is, the void in itself is a pass to every other dimension because every dimension resides in the void, even the cursed ones or the ones that never will be or never were timelines. As a person with a lot of experience in the void itself, I will tell you that it is not a nice place. Every kind of entity can catch you, good or evil, whatever they might be. As mere humans in the void, we are exposed to a lot of deep-rooted energy that corrupts our bodies in the long run.
As humans, in the void, we can only "survive" in the backrooms.
what is a backroom?
One thing that is definitely more popular than the void itself are the backrooms that reside in the void. The backrooms became popular around 2012 as a SCP thing as images of liminal spaces. But I assure you, they are pretty much real, and they have many levels, not in a specific order. On every level, we can find different things and different entities, as mentioned before. We can find the good ones that will try to keep you safe and the bad ones that will literally try to kill you.
I will also add that the backroom exists because we are the front room, so for every timeline in existence, there is a backroom, and much like the universe, the void is pretty much endless, so there are infinite possibilities for the frontroom and the backroom.
why im i telling you this?
because I talk from experience, and let me tell you some of them were not fun. Still to this day, when I go to sleep, I find myself in the void. Bruh, I don't know how it simply happens. And that's been my life since I was 14 years old. I had my time to understand and learn a few rules to exit the backrooms fast enough or not to be killed.
I will put them at the end, but first, a little check on the main differences that we found out about the void state and the void itself:
The void state is a meditation; the void is an "endless place.".
The void can be a dangerous place, but the void state is harmless.
The void state helps us connect with the universe; the void is not used to manifest.
The void is a constant state of rooted energy, which means, in more basic words, that the energy in the void is dirty, and on the long run, a normal human will not "survaive.". In the void state, it is your energy.
In the void state, we find only ourselves; in the void, we can find an endless amount of dimensions, timelines, frontrooms and backrooms, entities, and liminal spaces. Some are all put together.
If you decide to go into the void state, it is a conscious decision. You can mistakenly enter the void by just falling asleep.
Those are the main differences, just because I can't say much more about the void itself because, as said before, it is a forced awakening, and I don't want people to feel sick with too much information.
if by mystake you enter the backrooms here some rules that will help you get out faster:
Don't scream; you will give off your location to any type of entity. In whatever level you enter, you will find the exit in the same level.
Not every level is scary. Some have flowers and are pretty; others are simple rooms. Those levels are safe as long as you don't hurt yourself. Be careful.
Don't take stairs, and don't jump in holes or on poles. Again, you will find the exit on the same level as you entered.
If you see fluffy entities, look at their eyes first. If the eyes are blue, they are friendly; any other color is to be avoided.
There is only one entity that is 100% friendly and will help you. It looks like a shadow with no features; it does not talk, but you will understand her.
If you hear a sound, go in the opposite direction; if you feel like a sound surrounds you, hide and stay still no matter what; some entities don't have eyes.
If you can't find the exit, pray to whatever god you believe in, and good entities will find you and help you.
On rare occasions, you might find other humans; don't trust them; they are no longer humans.
and I think that I said everything that has to be said. If you have any questions, I will be more than happy to answer them, and I hope you did not feel sick or do any negative things from this post.
you planted seeds of love
in the empty spaces
of my heart
Day 3 Self-Love Journal Prompts
3. When do you feel most confident?
Confidence is s difficult concept for me. For years I've struggled with confidence in social settings and I struggled with making and keeping friendships. But in this time period, I rarely struggled with any body insecurities. I was comfortable in how I looked for the most part, and where I wasn't I was at least neutral. In recent years my social confidence has grown a little bit, especially since moving away to college. I've been forced out of my shell a little and had to make an all new set of friends. with that though, my confidence in my appearance has dipped a bit. My weight has increased since COVID in 2020 and at first it didn't bother me, but last Summer and Fall were rough. I'm at a point now though where I've kind of found my own personal style, and that's made having to buy new clothes that fit a little easier on me. I'm at least neutral about my insecurities most days now, if not comfortable.
Because of the fluctuation of my self confidence, I've indulged a bit in some of the things that help me feel more confident. One way I've done this is by experimenting with my style! (pictures below lol) While I'm definitely not that edgy, I've been having a lot fun wearing jewelry, makeup, and clothing that in the past would have been out of my comfort zone. I'm still finding my style, but taking the time to stretch my personal taste and experiment has really helped me :)
Gonna be doing a little journal/blog on here every day in March! I have literally no followers so honestly I’m just doing this for myself. Still not really sure how to use tumblr, so we’ll see how this goes lol
📚✨ Introducing my 2024 Reading Journal Template on Notion!
Track your books, progress, percentages, and more—all in one place.
Dive into a new level of book tracking! 📝📖
Gonna make a short post to get the anger out because it’s late and I want to sleep. My parents have had no issues with my boyfriend coming over during the exam period until today which was the day I balled my eyes out over a math exam so when he finished his try ones for the day he brought food and watched one of my favorite movies with me. My mother knows that every day when she questions whether I’ve studied it feels invalidating and like she doesn’t trust me so when she brought it up today she knew how it would make me feel. Next year I’m going to live 13 hours away from him and he might have to spend our first Christmas as a couple in another country. Even my stepdad who likes my boyfriend questioned me.
My Problem with My Mom
I’m gonna leave for the airport in a few hours but basically I’m going on a tour to europe with some other students from my school and my mother has to micromanage everything. I wanted to enjoy my last hours at home with my animals and she asks me why I’m not stressing and says she’s concerned because I’m not like wtf. Let me enjoy my last hours at home in peace before I go away for 2 weeks. She doesn’t want me to pack anything I want in my carry on either I can’t bring a journal she doesn’t want me bringing my book and I can’t bring the plushie my boyfriend gave me. She sees I’m upset and just tries to fix it by being nice and ignoring my feelings. She does this all the time and just tries to get me to stop crying instead of asking me how I feel and why.
Why I'm No Longer Friends With Lazy Girl
So Lazy girl and I were friends for like 4 years and eventually became best friends. She did help me through some shit but also dragged me into other shit. I always felt insecure around her because she made me feel like the DUFF by pointing out my acne or commenting on the way I dressed. She loved getting attention from guys even if that guy has a girlfriend. Shes the type of girl who will try and compare hand sizes with every guy in class to make herself seem more small and petite. This annoys the shit out of me because I hate girls who will break girl code for a guy’s attention like come on. What made me draw the line is when i mentioned wanting to be more empathetic to people because i don’t wanna become a narcissist and she replies “Yah I can see some signs” WTF. Also definitely not a coincidence that when she picked up weight and I lost she accused me of having anorexia. Whenever we went shopping shes say “Are you getting a small then i should get a size smaller” even though we were really similar in size. She thinks every guy is flirting with her when she wants to talk about sexual thing. What does she fucking expect they’re guys. Honestly i just want her out of my life. I was hoping that by her not writing exams, because she couldn’t handle the pressure, would put some space between us and she can use the time to get back in the game with school. But nope. She’ll just have to deal with the consequences.
That’s enough for todays rant. See you soon. XOXO
So, because I’m not gonna incriminate myself I’m using code names when referencing people in my life and this is a break down of everyone and who they are to me
Lazy girl: ex best friend, used to be best friend from 12-14 but this bitch really knows how to be a two-faced manipulative bitch
Bible freak: girl who I’ve been in friend group with since last year. Thinks I’m stupid and she’s the most intelligent person because she reads books and has the audacity to criticize Shakespeare as well as make it clear to me that because I was conceived through artificial insemination that I “shouldn’t be here” aka shouldn’t be alive
Miss Yes: kind of a friend but never states her own opinions or thoughts and is Bible freaks best friend
My wife: my closest friend who also loves gossip and just gets me. Amazing human being 💖
Asshole: my ex bf (first bf ever) from when I was 14 who basically cheated on me and gaslit me the entire relationship
Two faced bitch: stupid whore who encouraged me to date asshole and then cheats on assholes best friend with asshole and betrays me completely, always rubs it in my face that they’re kinda dating but kinda not
Tarzan: current bf, kinda looks like Tarzan hence the name, really amazing guy but has said a hurtful thing to me
Think that’s everyone for now. So I’ll see you in my first entry 💋
Just an introduction to anyone who might be reading 💕
Name: Odette
Age: 17
Country: South Africa
Big 3: Aquarius ☀️ Virgo 🌙 Gemini 🌅. (I know)
Currently in my second last year of high school and despising every minute of exams
Have a big group of “friends” but only a few actual friends the rest are fake bitches.
MBTI: INFP or INFJ I’ve gotten both
Love dilfs 💖
See through everyone’s bullshit 👀
Currently in a relationship
If you don’t find me and my high school gossip entertaining keep scrolling
hullo, i’m vi. i like reading, writing, painting and watching movies. i spend too much time thinking about fictional worlds, and i can’t shut up about them. I’m studying theater and i speak both english and spanish!
I think I write so much so one day I won’t have to talk anymore.
Entry 12: Surprised Johnny didn't have a single cynical thing to say about this scenery. Not about the neon replacing nature, light and CHOOH2 pollution, the acidic rain, nor the shitty day we just had. Overall, simply breath taking.
lil’ pagan tip/idea- dedicate a journal to your deity!
a journal can be useful for a lot of reasons. not only it is an easy way to feel closer to your deity or deities, but it can be super convenient if you’re a person who travels a lot or need to worship in secret.
things to write or put in your journal could include:
prayers
pressed flowers/leaves/herbs
sketches or doodles of things that remind you of them
devotional poems or art pieces
song lyrics
experiences you’ve had with them
dreams they’ve sent you
recipes
stickers
spells / rituals (especially ones you have done or would want to do with them)
photos
notes on offerings and devotional acts
list of crystals, herbs, colors, etc. you associate with them
and these are only a few ideas :)
the journal can also work as a mini-altar that you can put offerings on! since taking care of myself is one of the ways i honor my deity, sometimes i’ll place a glass of water or juice on the journal i have and i can keep it next to me to sip from while i’m doing something. again this can be really helpful if you travel a lot, worship discreetly, or if you don’t have a lot of space for a full altar.
additionally, you can dedicate a few pens or markers to your deity too (because everything is better with fun colors!)
Oh, the stories he could tell...
11.02.2020 - ben whishaw
He’s an interesting person, and uh, there’s some nice quotes - whether from Whishaw himself, or the article writer. https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2016/apr/03/ben-whishaw-damaged-sexuality-privacy-troubled-heroes-broadway-crucible-interview
he has made a speciality of the damaged, the doomed, the beautiful and damned
call upon when they need someone to project an awesome emotional volatility and candour. Even when his face is seemingly at rest, you can see the thoughts and feelings flickering and flaring just under the surface.
remarked on his “extraordinary sensitivity – sort of one skin less than most people around him”.
It is fitting that he has played Keats because in his work he strives toward what Keats called “negative capability”, a comfort with human mystery and uncertainty.
how individuals still use the veneer of religion to unleash incredible violence. “With the attacks that happened in Brussels, it’s like, what is a God that can sanction these barbaric things?”
“I never really feel as if I know what I’m doing. I don’t feel any great sort of confidence in my ability,” he says. “But I’ve sort of reached the point where I think it’s OK. It’s OK not to know.”
“I don’t feel any need to go back and re-examine it,” he says. “Which is not to say that I felt like I did a good job or got anywhere near the bottom of it, because I don’t feel that, but I would never want to return to anything I’ve done.”
“I wonder if I’d find it that interesting,” he says. “I think I’d always need something that has a bit of, not necessarily suffering, but some resonance or that has a bigger pull. I don’t know. Something. Otherwise I think I’d be bored.”
I don't think anyone can walk through the world in a state of vulnerability all the time, can they?
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/04/fashion/ben-whishaw-crucible.html
“I have a lot of fear,” Mr. Whishaw said. “All the time. But it’s important somehow to have fear and then to overcome it. I feel a bit like I’m always on an edge, where the fear might completely overwhelm me and I might not be able to do it. That’s not happened yet.”
“I’ve never come up with a good story about how it all started,” he reflects, shrugging his shoulders, not in the least bothered about giving his tale a good spin.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/9329054/Ben-Whishaw-on-his-new-role-as-Richard-II.html
“I don’t think anyone can walk through the world in a state of vulnerability all the time, can they? And as an actor, you do need to be quite… quite strong. I think it does take courage, in a way. After all, it’s a very revealing thing to do. Putting yourself in a position of being looked at. That’s one of the reasons why I find it very hard to watch myself on screen.” So, the vulnerability is all an act? “No,” he says eventually. “I wouldn’t say that… But you do use things about yourself as an actor, don’t you?”
https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2018/12/ben-whishaw-profile-mary-poppins-returns
Soon, Whishaw started landing bigger projects—and playing survivors instead of victims. Part of that can be attributed to age; at 38, the actor is only just starting to get some creases around his eyes, and a light dusting of pepper in his famously unruly dark coif. As he put it, “the kinds of stories people tell about people in their thirties and forties are different.” And though that handle-with-care quality still permeates everything Whishaw does, his characters on-screen are now more often men who should have been broken by circumstance, but nevertheless persisted
11.02.2020 - cluttered thoughts, reunion with yuka, etc.
So, I was cleaning up some shit in the garage, and decided it might be nice to keep a blog. Mostly for cluttering up the hoarded thoughts, mental baggage. And also, possibly for reflection and writing. It might be nice to do lit/learning reflection too, though I feel pretty removed from that sphere. Who knows. It’s very possible I’ll write a LOT tonight, then, not write again, for months.
I’m not sure what to say. Recently, I talked to Yuka over Google Hangouts for the first time in.. well, almost a year. Despite her falling under my ‘closest irl friends’ category. While it was mostly pretty darn heartwarming and just, pleasant.. at first, it was scary, and a bit awkward, and uh, especially when I tried to open up to her, and started being honest about my feelings of not feeling able to face her.
It’s kind of odd, to be honest, that I am pretty fucking in touch with my emotions - maybe too much, and I ruminate enough that it’s likely a little unhealthy, but I have trouble talking about or articulating that shit to other people. I talk about my feelings a lot but I’m not very open? I suppose in conversation, I substitute opinion with impressions/emotions, haha.
It makes sense to struggle with vulnerability though. Even writing out that word makes me cringe a little. Vulnerability. Oh, to be vulnerable, bare all, your weaknesses, flaws, self-hatred, worries, fears, anxieties, shame, and all. That’s not easy. Ok some things that came to mind: Ben Whishaw, Dealer (the band), that final memory scene in Eternal Sunshine, and dreams where all your subconscious, selfish desires come out.
I can’t tell if being vulnerable is a good thing or not, really. Would people read you as being weak and sensitive? Too uncomfortably open? Is that kind of person likeable? Or should one stick to that comfortable, surface level banter? I know it’s stupid asking those questions, like everything, it depends, it’s all about balance. I really think there’s something beautiful about vulnerability, but actually *being* that, w-wew.
To be honest, I shy away from DnMs. I don’t know how to talk that stuff out. And can anything be solved? I guess it’s about trust, and having someone you CAN open up to. I always much preferred listening to people about their problems and empathising, than talking about my own. Yuka said I ‘bottle things up’, and I really do, until it bursts out (with tragic consequences, far too late) or slowly slowly sinks me.
Where did this come from, this secretiveness? I think it comes from fear of consequences, ultimately. If I act, there will be consequences. If I speak out, voice, express, things might not result in something better. :’ ) Threat of punishment, being ignored, already being a negative presence (outsider, poor, stinky), probably compounded that. And even now, it’s much the same, I don’t like to stand out or speak up, and it’s self sabotage, essentially.