Just Cptsd Things - Blog Posts

8.21.23 - Second First Day (excerpt) I wonder how life would be different if he was just a little nicer when I was a kid. I tend to think about this a lot. I wonder how he can even bear looking at me, how he does not realize the extent of his damage- how he ruined a everything for me. I wonder a lot of things about him, fully knowing that I will never get any answers.

back to putting in the hard work, mapped some of my parts!

this whole being 14 thing is so lame. like girl get a grip that was 5 years ago.

It's wild how abusers will normalize things and use different language to make it sound okay.

"spanking" instead of "hitting" or "beating" unless they're threatening you. Once it's over, you got *spanked" and not "beaten."

I've known for a while that my parents were physically abusive when I was growing up, but I was afraid to call what they did "beating" until recently. I had a conversation with someone I grew up with, and that's what she called it. I was dumbfounded for a second before I stopped and thought about it. Then, I felt validated and heard.

mentions of sexual assault and grooming

nah because what is up with being confident in your memory that you were sexually assaulted (and you still are being sexually harassed and groomed btw) but the perpetrator shows basic human courtesy once and now you’re the delusional lying fuck.

generalized amnesia and emotional amnesia goes hard because oh yeah that extremely terrible thing happened and i don’t feel anything i felt while i was experiencing and oh this other thi- NERVOUS SYSTEM SHOWS UP

Sometimes I think I'm completely devoid of love. After all these years of running away, isolation and mistrust but then every now and then, in the silence of my apartment, while staring at my phone I feel all the suppressed love within me begging to be set free. It knocks and it knocks desperately. But I closed the door long ago with a promise to never open it. So I turn cruel once again and ignore it like I am.