Lonely - Blog Posts
trying so hard to be like optimistic and “there’s somebody for everybody” but fucking 24 years old and having one relationship that we technically never even defined?! and I keep getting rejected. it gives like a “what truly is fucking wrong with me” energy. because literally what the FUCK is wrong with me. my anxiety is saying “you’re unlovable” and I don’t really have a way to deny that. tired and lonely.
NEVER MIND 6
I don't know why I can't do title for this. But this is Never mind 6. Continue the other Never minds.
I loved rumors. I loved them so much thatI even told rumors about myself. When I walk along the school hallway, whispering fill that place. People whispered their friends right now and tried sneaky to wacth me walking but I felt the stares. Whispers caught to my ears with my every step I took, but I just smiled myself. People around me really didn't knew who was among them. Or what rumors was actually true. I turned myself to my locker and I opened it. Silence fell this side of the hallway. I put my books in that locker. My eyes caught an old photo of my inside of the lockerdoor. Above the photo was mirror and I looked myself into dark eyes. I sighed and closed the door. I was frightened the boy who had came behind the door. After that my reflex didn't do ant good for rumors Because I kicked him between his legs and bumped him against the lockers with my hands around his neck. I almost could here the dramatic confusion when people on the hall fell in silence and turned to look at us. The smile started to grow on my face again. Sometimes people can be just so curios. I drowned my laugh. I took my hands off around boy's neck, but I could see clearly how my nails had left beautiful neckless on him. Marks was deep but they didn't bleed. I looked at the boy and shortly smiled to him. Then I justwalked away. People can talk bullshit about me all they want, I couldn't care less anymore like I never minded talks anyway.
Nevermind 3
Here again just writing something but what can I do. This is just calming my nerves. This time it’s just short one.
- Wait!
- Hey girl wait for me.
I was packing my thing in my back. The girl has went to hall already but I still belive she heard me. I put a white mask and my quickly my lunch in my back. I grabbed back with me and ran after the girl. I saw couple person still wearing shoes but no one was my friend. Of course I didn’t want to be burden for my friends but someone could’ve wait for me. Everyone doesn’t have to wait me, one is enough. I took my shoes and walked to doors. My friend from the locker room turned back from a hallway and saw me but she just passed me and walked back to others. No one cared about me. I was always out of frined groups. Right before doors there was a window. When I watched throught it I saw people outside. There was all my friends. Some of them went to their cars and others just went down the street. I saw them laugh and say goodbyes. I was greatful for that I had friends but I never felt truely happy or welcome around them. I wore my shoes and went outside. I started to walk away from little worn building to home. After couple of street I saw the girl I’ve asked to wait be and I considered to go to her but then I saw that she had someone else to be with.
All I wanna do is hide, but I can't... 'couse my demons always find me no matter what...
My fucked up mind
New wallpapers Minimalistic but they show my fav anti teory with is that he is lonely and he just wants to be loved Adopt lil anti wallpaper to make him happy haha No like realy i hope you like them
And I hope somewhere you hear me still #rose #yellowrose #roseyellow #yellow #flower #wood #lonely #dieing #wiltingflower #pma #wiltingrose #wilting #sadness
We could be so good together! We split up and then you want to work it out, so I try time and time again, just to end up right back to me falling back into you, then you realize you have me, and all of a sudden you’re back to cold as ice. I beg you to talk to me, tell me what I could do to make things better and you act like I’m the only one with the problem, maybe I am, but my problem is you. It’s like you are completely emotion less. Like you block out everything I say, you text me and when I text you back and it’s not what you want to hear then you don’t even really read them just enough to find something and say I’m starting shit. I am trying harder than I have in the twenty something years we’ve been in this. I speak you start to act like you frustrated, like I’m bothering you when I’m just trying to make conversation with my husband. I thought we were suppose to be a team in this. You talk and treat everyone like human beings and me like I’m a pest. Ya know, I’ve got over you before, so Idk why you want to torture us both. I’m a Gemini, I have to feel wanted, not smothered but loved. I would love to be number 3 in your life but I’m lucky if I’m in the the top 10. So please just go. Stop torturing me for loving you. I’m good with it, because I love you enough that I want you to be happy, I want to make someone happy, and I never seem to make you anything. I feel like a sex doll, like whenever you want it. You want me dressed up and in the mood, when I feel like your half way finished before we even start, then you don’t talk to me unless you need something from me, you hurt me, I tell you, and you say nothing at all. Just go. Find someone that does it for you, not just sexually, but someone you want to sit and talk to and not try and stay away from. I am not holding you back and I’ve never held anything over your head trying to keep you. The other day when I had to go and you and my girl talked for a min, you actually sat in the carport and had a good conversation, it made me jealous af but only because I feel like you don’t even try that with me……. So walk away, if you ever really care please stop dragging me, I’m not strong enough to tell you no ever.
How?
How could I tell him my aesthetic is crying in beautiful places and that I think tenderness is a virtue?
He is a man of science, not romance. He loves flowers and watches them bloom, but doesn’t seem to value his own growth.
I like how he kept me warm at night, but his silence was so cold. Yet, it wasn’t personal.
He clearly has thoughts racing through his mind, but no ache to share them. No need to exchange ideals and penetrate each other’s gray matter. I wanted our brains and our bodies to merge.
I can’t address any of this with him, for it’s only met with cynicism. A know it all, who knows me not.
Standing in line waiting for my turn at the register fueled me with a desire to run. I walked out of the store with less time than I walked it, and that was the only change involved.
I wonder why no one is calling me. Checking on me. Wanting to hear my voice, smell my skin, or feel my hair on their face. The screen on my phone stays dark except for when I check for someone’s attention that isn’t there.
How has this become the soundtrack of my life? Silence and sobs. These are the constant sounds of my day to day.
How much longer can I endure this? How much longer will I have to? How?
(9.29.18)
Just Me
I need to finally accept the fact that I’m alone. I tried to open myself up to help and friendship and support & I’ve had to demand it. It did not come freely. I don’t think this is going to change. It hurts but I accept it.
I think pretty soon, I’m just going to have to diminish my contact with others. Keep it to only public scenarios like grocery stores and barbershops. Leave personal ties behind me. I wish things were different but there nothing I can do.
I wish that I didn’t have to keep changing myself to fit into this world. I’ve really come to like who I am as a person, and I thought I was bringing something good to the world. I find myself having a harder and harder time everyday. Being myself makes me only feel more lonely and like I don’t belong. I wish no one would ever know this feeling.
So much of the time I feel like I don’t matter. And I think I do, but no one else seems to think so. I’m not sure how I’ll manage to be who I want to be and also remove myself from society. So much pain. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t seem to matter. How can I value myself when no one else does? I’m conflicted. I’m hurt. I think I really should just leave everyone alone.
Maybe one day someone will hear me.
(11.11.17)
his first birthday being alone😔
I fled all of the way across the sea
But there is never an escape for me
I live in paradise, no grades, no stress
Yet here I am again, always regress
When all the monsters are inside your head
An angsty teen still anxious in her bed
But I am 20, not 13, and still
I’m still trapped and depressed, please God, when will
My mental anguish end, is there no hope
Or joy for me I can sustain? Just cope
And love the Lord and lose my mind
Searching in vain for that which I can’t find
Sick to my stomach, missing all I had
Though knowing this is better, I feel bad,
No, dreadful, selfish, worthless, stupid, fake
Embarrassed, paralyzed by each mistake
I couldn’t ask for more, it’s not enough
There’s no place on this earth that’s up to snuff
I am a traveler, stranger in this land
Not Italy, but earth itself, I stand
In fear of God, oh Jesus come, your hand
Be in my life, and may this life be grand
A stupid ending to a stupid poem
My old self-loathing just wants to go home
Don't be sad when I go .. don't pretend you didn't know, Berry that pain deep inside just like me it had to go
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
— Unknown
“I look to you from the passenger seat, the wind from the wide open window blowing my hair back. You smile and sing along to your favorite song as it blares on the car radio. You throw up your hand to move with the beat, looking over at me as your smile gets bigger. I turn up the music even more. I don’t want this moment to end.”
Love is in all of the unexpected places, treasure it
“And in that moment, you were everything.”
-Only you
And here I am. Falling in love all over again. Will it hurt, the way it did before? Will my heart race as much as the first time? Which of the ‘what ifs’ will come true this time, or should I even bother? Should I feel excited? Scared? Only time will tell.
I hope this time the result changes
I know it will be the death of me. Again. My heart will die a second time when he tells me.
Why is it always me who gets the heartbreak?
I loved you and you broke me. I cared for you and you ignored me. I said all good things about you and you wouldn’t even talk to me. I can’t believe you did this and you didn’t even know. But it’s okay because no matter what I will always love you and you will never love me back.
Story of my life #3
You taught me how to live, but you will also be the death of me.
Why?
I’m sick and tired of you playing this game. Fiddling with my heart and head like you’re a toddler playing with his toys. I’ve had enough of the kindergarten games you throw every which way, trying to get more people to play along, trapping them in a world where not only your love is nonexistent, but all of reality as well. Just stop playing and let me go.
It hurts
-it’s always the same story -what story? -the story of how the girl loves the boy, but he didn’t love her back
The story of my life #2
There was a girl. She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice, it was supposed to make you feel something. There was a boy. He never really understood. He presumed the top layer was the only layer and never knew the truth. She was a smart girl until she fell in love. He was an oblivious boy until everything was over.
Maddie; The story of my life #1
I want to belong to someone so bad I mean not literally but feeling at home and having an unbreakable bond with someone else. I crave this more than anything in this world but honestly at this point becoming a millionaire seems more realistic..❤️🩹