Lonesome - Blog Posts
Can somebody be my friend, I'm all types of lonely right now lmaooooooo
NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUG NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH ...............................RAGE
It's deeply painful how one person can make you feel like you're walking on clouds and other times, the loneliest person to ever exist.
Last night, I realised how utterly lonely I am without my partner talking to me. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I realised that I have no one left to call and cry to, at midnight. In the past couple years since I've been with my partner, I think I distanced from my friends, but I guess I was already isolated by then.
Anyway, last night, I felt so alone, so lonely, so alienated. It felt like a dagger to my chest when he said he doesn't want to talk. My mind took me to some harrowing places. It felt like our relationship was over and that he doesn't want me anymore. And that he was my go to person and now I've left with no one to talk to when I really need to.
I'm back to how I was before I met him. All alone, all by myself, surrounded by friends but no one to reach out when necessary. It sucks.
Another person to grieve.
Another relationship to remember, woefully.
I dine alone and I have no cutlery
to hold my appetite
as I attack this platter of death and misery
with my bare hands
and leave no crumbs.
Space in between, the space around, the space in the mind.
Me and the other.
Le Guin forever
« I think what you mostly do when you find you really are alone is to panic. You rush to the opposite extreme and pack yourself into groups - clubs, teams, societies, types. You suddenly start dressing exactly like the others. It’s a way of being invisible. The way you sew the patches on the holes in your blue jeans becomes incredibly important. If you do it wrong you’re not with it. That’s a peculiar phrase, you know? With it. With what? With them. With the others. All together. Safety in numbers. I’m not me. […] I’m a popular kid. I’m my friend’s friend. […] I’m a member. […] You can’t see me, all you can see is us. We’re safe. And if We see You standing alone by yourself, if you’re lucky we’ll ignore you. If you’re not lucky, we might throw rocks. Because we don’t like people standing there with the wrong kind of patches on their jeans reminding us that we’re each alone and none of us is safe. »
— Ursula K. Le Guin, Very Far Away from Anywhere Else
"Don't I know loneliness, poor as I'm?
As I return from saying goodbye to you,
Snow-covered alleys flood with moonlight bold and blue."
Tall, Dark & Lonely.
The train jostled him from one lonely moment to the next.
The train car was quiet. Just about everyone was a sleep or was falling into it. There was nothing outside the windows. Darkness and the occasional flicker of light. He was empty.
The open-ended feeling in his stomach was the pain of loneliness. He clutched his bag as if it would hold him back. Maybe if he squeezed hard enough the bag would absorb his sadness. Regrettably his efforts were no reciprocated.
How? How did he continually end up here? Close. Slam. Shut. The doors to love, companionship, affection, repeatedly shut in his face. Is it his karma? Is he unlovable? Is he simply unwanted?
The train doors are open. The air is warm, but not inviting. Where would it invite him to anyway? Further sadness? Deeper disappointment? Ugh, never mind.
The bed is soft. The darkness familiar. The loneliness his own. Lights out. Again.
(5.11.19)
How?
How could I tell him my aesthetic is crying in beautiful places and that I think tenderness is a virtue?
He is a man of science, not romance. He loves flowers and watches them bloom, but doesn’t seem to value his own growth.
I like how he kept me warm at night, but his silence was so cold. Yet, it wasn’t personal.
He clearly has thoughts racing through his mind, but no ache to share them. No need to exchange ideals and penetrate each other’s gray matter. I wanted our brains and our bodies to merge.
I can’t address any of this with him, for it’s only met with cynicism. A know it all, who knows me not.
Standing in line waiting for my turn at the register fueled me with a desire to run. I walked out of the store with less time than I walked it, and that was the only change involved.
I wonder why no one is calling me. Checking on me. Wanting to hear my voice, smell my skin, or feel my hair on their face. The screen on my phone stays dark except for when I check for someone’s attention that isn’t there.
How has this become the soundtrack of my life? Silence and sobs. These are the constant sounds of my day to day.
How much longer can I endure this? How much longer will I have to? How?
(9.29.18)
A lot of people have hurt me. And sometimes I act like it. 🤷🏽♂️ Y’all let people get away with a lot worse.
Thousands of Times.
I think you’ve crossed my minds thousands of times today. I won’t say millions because I try my best not to think of you. It’s like my security blanket got ripped away. From spending all day talking with you, knowing everything about you, what you’re doing, what you’re feeling... to nothing.
I guess we’re strangers now.
All that’s left is just a feeling of loneliness.
Of extreme sadness.
Who do I turn to now?
Lately I’ve been finding myself drowning my sorrows In alcohol.
I promised myself to not find any other substance to become numb.
I lied to myself.
I crave for it now.
What’s sober?
I can’t get enough of it.
Those around me say to voice my problems to them but in the end, I am still misunderstood.
So I will stay in this shell of mine.
And accept my journey to cease to exist.
This is my own fate.
the cartoons and the movies have no wide-eyed gazes to look back at them. no light of day to shine across the dusty screen. abandoned life, abandoned dreams. left lonely and hidden beyond care. what does it all mean. in this ghost town.
-s's.
I just wanna get away from it all, ya know?
