My Life - Blog Posts
Spends entire day drinking coffee and reading books, highly avoids socializing..including social media. Overthinks about a thousand times before having a verbal conversation. Masks every emotion into anger and lets out frustration on a punching bag. And then wonders how they have no friends.
I wish i had someone who'd discuss human anatomy and history of cities or any other interesting things at the middle of the night..even though i have little to no knowledge regarding any of these things...lol
In my life, what is your role?
Are you only in a chapter that one day I will close?
My uninteresting life
Ok so. No one seems to take my SOS seriously, and I'm sending them not because I want attention, but because I know. I know that some people care about me. And I don't want to bother them with my problems, but at the same time, I feel like if I don't try to reach them for help, I might just do something I might regret. Or not if I do it correctly haha but knowing how clumsy I am, I might just fail at dying too.
Anywaaay. So. Story Time. I got lost in Vietnam, Gone Wrong.
Sorry
I started to battle against depression 10 years ago. I had never been a happy child, my parents were strict and my classmates liked to bully me because I had awesome grades back then. But the real reason is... that there was no reason. I always felt like nobody could love me, as in seriously, and still do. When someone shows affection to me, I cannot not think that they just pretend to like me, and when someone seems to have deeper feelings for me, I can't believe it. When someone says that they find me "beautiful", I can't say thank you. Because I don't think I am. And instead, I reply by playfully asking them if they are blind. Say ut with a bright smile and no one will question it.
That's how I do for everything. Smile and people will be fooled. Say you're ok and smile and people won't try to look further. It works great.
Back to the story, I would say that this lack of confidence + the bullies pretending to like me just to then say that I am too ugly for them + My first love story (ouaahaa ouaahaa yeaaah) being the most chaotic thing e v e r triggered what was always here with me, in a sense.
And now, today. It is getting worse. Since I started university actually. It had had reach some kind of sleepy mode when in high school, but then, I started to live alone, In uni. Don't get me wrong, I like living alone. And the first year everything was alright, I could go to every and each of my classes and clean my studio, run errands and everything. But then, second year. I started to feel more and more tired for nothing. and by the end of the year, I couldn't clean my studio as often as I used to or run errands as often as I used to.
It got even worse in third year, during which I started to get panic crises. I learned to manage them pretty quickly, but still got one during one of my classes one day. Thank you, brain haha
And then. Master year. I had had suicidal thoughts before, but just brushed it off, as I knew it was not a solution.
Or at least that's what I thought.
Today, I am finishing my master, or at least hopefully. And I want to die. I think about it seriously and this time my brain doesn't have any warning signs for me. It ran out of ideas on how to cope with it. Today I am really far from home and from my family and friends. I befriended some people here, but I'm just another one in their long list of acquaintances. I just want to die.
So if you read this and you have a solution, or tips on how to end my life correctly for a clumsy lady, then please, feel free to share it with me.
Thanks in advance,
That fake smiling girl who just wants to die.
Romantic guitar music Boris Ulybyshev
Moonlight sadness - Music Boris Ulybyshev
No por ser mis padres tienen que decir en mi vida. Yo elijo lo que quiero para mí y ustedes deben de estar de acuerdo.
I should not be allowed to draw when I’m this tired.
I hope one day I can read a bus schedule and not freak out afterwards thinking I did it wrong.
I am going to start sayin that my life is a meme instead of my life is a joke.
October is Here! Spooky season it's Halloween! Contest!, hope u like!! Work hard in it. ♡ ♡ ♡
Hello cuties♡ be kind to leave a like and fallow! It will help me alot!✨️I'm just here blogging my experience and I recently started school a couple months ago and I'm showing u one of my works. Still have alot to learn! but this is the beginning of my journey!! come along! Be part of it :D ♡ ♡ ♡ #nails #nailtech #nailartist #nailartists #nailstudent #nailstudents #nailsnailsnails #nailsofinstagram #nailsart #naildesign #nailaddict #nailjunkie #naillove #nails2inspire #nails4today #nailinspiration #nailswag #nailinstagram #nailitdaily #naillife #nailartwow #nailtechnician #nailstagram #nailarts #nailtechlife #nailsoftheday #naildesigner #nails💅 #nailartlove #nailselfie #nailgel #mylife #studentlife #studentnailtech #student #students #studentblogger #blog #blogger #vblog
Sometimes the scenarios i make up in my head amaze me.
They are so beautiul, so dreamy, so perfect, so much *needed*, it makes my heart ache from the thought that they can never come true, not ever in the exact same dreamy manner as they do in my mind. I would never find that perrffectt person and never will those deliberate- indeliberate touches and talks and gazes and moments happen...
It leaves me longing and hopeless, I guess my expectations from life , at moments, become too far-fetched.
The only way out, to turn them into reality, is to-
write down the scenario,
develop a story that is actually comprehensible (paiinnnn),
write a novel,
knock doors of publishing houses,
get it published,
work to make it a bestseller,
become a filmwriter and director,
find a producer,
get external validation for script and find rest of the crew ;))
find the perfect music that goes with my fantasy,
find the handpicked perfect cast,
and make it into a adaptation movie.
(excuse the inaccuracy my process. i am not well acquainted with all this, at least not in this universe, but that is just how i imagine)
Then all my dreams *might* come true. Is it too much? or a bare neccesity for my dream to reality journey, i will never know i guess...
(this also totaly disrupts my path of pursuing STEM career, leaving another dilemma at my hand. Life just wouldnt stop being so *REAL*, now, would it ? :I Now my options are a) Reincarnation, b) discover multiverse and travel to the universe where i did write a novel and make a movie about it, by myself, and watch that.... arghh the things we do for the love of love )
this was just a thought, no self-emotions were hurt in this post (ok, maybe a few) (excruciating pain right in middle of heart, a major headache here and there.)
My life in a nutshell
„Veni, Vidi, Reliqui“
„I came, I saw, I left“
That’s probably my life quote and my life in a nutshell.
Even though I don’t really know what to do with it.
I don’t really like my brother but nowadays I relate to him more than I want to.
And it scares me like hell, because I never thought I’d get why he is so aggressive and mad about my mom.
I just want to figure life already out without getting scolded.
Life I guess?
I fucking hate my family rn, my grandma is a bitch who destroys everyone’s life. My aunt is an alcohol addict and doesn’t care about anyone, my brother has a aggression problem and hurt my mom really bad, and my stepfather is a mix between my mom and my grandma.
Also we’re not talking about my biological father cuz just nope.
And to top this, my mom has depressions and is having a bad week taking all out on me.
How do I cope with it? Well guys, I grew some balls (imaginary ones cuz I’m a girl) and just don’t bitch about it, sure I have bad days too but it’s 2018 bitch we deal with our problems.
A world of words
I like seing the world as a library. Streets as shelves and people as books. All with different covers, some plain but the pages are filled with insight and pride. Others are elegant and beautiful, though the ink is stained and pages scraped. Some are closed, some are open. Some pages are filled with small letters to fit it all In there, while others are still waiting to be filled. I love being in the library, and I will cherish every single book I bring home.
Reminder: One day we’ll all return to sand… So find the courage to open your heart to new opportunities, new experiences, new possibilities, and new adventures. When you live with an open heart, beautiful things will happen. I promise.
John Tew (via deeplifequotes)
