... Never thought I’d be the one to help shatter someone’s illusion... Did I really help save her? She’s so tired. She’s so numb. She’s so confused. She knew something was wrong. That’s why after four years, she reached out to me. She spent the last year being worn down, and she knew it couldn’t be right. She reached out to me partially to fill a void her soon-to-be ex-husband didn’t. I knew that wasn’t healthy. We talked about anything and everything. We aren’t afraid to talk to each other now, because we’ve both grown. She told me what he was. I told her what he really was, and a part of her knew. It took her a few days, and some googling to finally see what I saw right away. It’s hurt her so much. She didn’t want to believe what I knew was abuse (both physically and mentally) was what had been happening to her. Article after article told her the same things, and they described everything he’d been doing. She’s so tired and numb now. No one could want this for someone they love. In the end, it’s her choices, her willingness to heal, and time that will see her rebuild. I’ll be beside her wherever she is. But, as much as I’ve hurt her for destroying what she thought was her dream, her illusion. I couldn’t stand aside and walk away quietly like I’ve done for so long. If you see abuse, know someone who is being abused, or if you are the one being abused, whether it’s courage or a spurt of madness, reach out to someone. There are so many advice lines. So many counselors. Hospitals. Even law enforcement. Don’t be the one to see or know and do nothing. If you are the one in it, breathe deep, know you are worth more than how you’re being treated, and find someone to talk to. Anyone can get you started to saving your life, even yourself. It’s less unknown to stay in the situation you are in, but it’s not safer.
Grasping ropes that were rotten and on fire
Grasping ropes as I tried to pull myself higher
Away from the water that rises at a speed I can't control
Away from the water that threatens to engulf me cold.
Maybe this is why I sought after ways
To find any sort of control
When I ate, slept and how much pain I felt
For all my bad decisions, my body went through hell.
I'm sick and tired and scared of myself at times
The world gets hazy and I can't breathe well
Someone please, save me from myself.
I'm sick and tired of looking at my arm and only seeing lines.
Filled with guilt and a terrible sense of shame
Filled with fear but I asked for help anyway.
No one's coming I've got to save myself
All I've got is me, in sickness and in health.
So I cradle my heavy heart in my arms
And tell someone I trust, that to myself I bring harm.
"I need help", these words I choked out finally
One big step towards a better rope at the end
I'm slowly making my way towards it,
Are you proud of me yet?
-scaredofmyvoice
i find it so ironic that after a year, you contacted me first. it was something so insignificant, just a video from our past. and yet here i was antagonising having to be the first one to reach out between us. and no, we’re not fighting, we never were—but in my head, when i decided to ghost you last year, i knew i was better off than to keep hoping for something i wasn’t even sure i want. i did it for me and i never regretted it even though sometimes i’d wonder if you wish you did more than this, try more than me.
— anyways it doesn’t matter now that a year has gone by. without you, i let myself grow into someone better. i’ve found many people who are better, and i’m more sure now than ever that i deserve someone better. thank you for reaching out to me first, even if it was over something so insignificant, i guess it won’t hurt to send you a message in reply after all.
marina grace