Sadness - Blog Posts

The Game

The Game is on

I sit alone watching

and observing

Observed that

The play is brutal.

Was it good?

The overprotection

Away from unknown

The crave remained

Broke the guard

Now lay hurt.

Known caused more agony

Whereas unknown offered respite n warmth.

Sternum aches

Tear don't dry

But

The play is on

Wear a smile

Some stayed, some gone

Mask the dolour and play along

Coz the Game of Life is on.

The gays have three genres: Pirates, Cowboys, or Immortals

I’m not in the mood today :\\\\

Actually few days already

Rlly uncomfortable w the thought of my existence rn👁~👁

Kind of feel like everyone I know hates me  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Ok but how do I actually feel better? Like how tf doin cope?

I was just lying here, listening to sad music, feeling like shit when I thought, "This isn't rlly helping, I need to do smth else" and then I realised that I have no idea what else I could do...tips? Something?

Me: I can't b depressed, I don't want to kill myself kind of

Also me: Why do I feel like I'm about to burst into tears all the time? Hmmmm🤔

There's something wroooong 👁-👁🤙

Everything feels very fucking wrong rn

How to talk someone out of suicide?

I met someone on this random app the other day who wanted me to read their suicide note. I talked them out of suicide but they still want to do it tonight. I don't know exactly where they live soni can't get them help. I don't know anyone who lives close to them. They say they have no one and that their dad rapes them and their mom is dead, they've never met their extended family and their friends r shit. Any advice?

They can't leave their house, if anyone lives in LA would b able.tondrive them it would b good to know

I'm so fucking sick of this bed, this room, this life.

U ever try to get to sleep at night but then sum dark thought becomes too real and u have to immediately open ur eyes b4 u fall too deep? Cause same

Everyone my age I meet has done so much, won awards, done crazy shit, made friends, been a part of a community, traveled, lived...and I've done almost nothing, I've left almost no mark on the world. I know I still I have time, but I can't help from feeling incredibly behind

Don't know how accurate these r, but it's reassuring nonetheless that I'm not imagining it.

I don't want to sleep bc I don't want to start another day & I don't want to b awake bc I can't b bothered to derive pleasure from anything

bInGO

Wow, depression tumblr has a less memes than ED tumblr.

Ik I shouldn't b surprised, but here we r

picture  by Johnny Abbate -  johnabb.com.  Instagram #johnnyabbate 

Birds in the darkness

https://goo.gl/maps/A62oj

Luisenstadt I cemetery, Berlin. By Johnny Abbate

www.facebook.com/johnnyalexabbate

The waiting is a sadness, Fading into madness.

Say Don't Go | Taylor Swift

Just want to Live, Laugh, Love. Why is it so hard?!

that wild moment when you're a guy but get your period for the first time is insane man

Used the headcanon generator on Inside Out characters

[4:42 PM]

stars glimmered like ice in a sea of darkness, flickering silver and gold as a comet shot across the sky, illuminating the sky for a moment. the streets were filled with empty cars and parking lots, the last bus departing to brooklyn.

all the pay phones were empty, save the one you were leaning on inside. one by one, all the lights switched off, except the one right above you.

it took you a few seconds to realize you were the only one outside. even pigeons, who flew by or stuck around on power lines, didn’t even come tonight. you rummage in your pocket, looking for any spare coins you still had left.

lucky for you, fifty cents was all you needed. you insert the coins into the machine, pressing several buttons till you pressed a red button. it rung for a few seconds until…

“hello?” you hear a voice on the other side, “who is this?”

“it’s me.”

there was a long pause, and you feel like you’ve made a mistake. you didn’t even think he would answer, but you were glad he did. you heard light breathing and you were sure he was in bed, under the covers.

“why are you calling me?”

“i just wanted to know if you’re doing fine.” you respond, “it’s been quite a while since we’ve talked.”

silence. if you dropped a pin outside, you could hear it from the pay phone.

“i hope you’ve made it to harvard, i know you’ve been working so hard to study there. harvard really is a great place.”

“yeah, i did. i have to go now.”

“wait, please!” you choked back on your sobs, “just..hear me out! please!”

“y/n, you’ve crumbled what was left of our relationship. i know you want to mend this relationship, but you can’t. it may have been possible a few months ago, but not now.”

“please, give me a chance.” you whispered, tears cascading down your rosy cheekbones. “i promise you, we can do whatever you want. whatever you need to fix this, i’ll do it. just please come back.”

“i’m so sorry, y/n, but i can’t, not like this. we can still be friends, but we can’t have the same relationship as before. goodbye.”

“no.” you choked. this couldn’t be the end. it can’t be the end. you felt shock and chill in your bones as goosebumps appeared on your skin and hot tears flooding down your bloodshot eyes. your body was shaking as you felt your limbs growing weak.

you couldn’t accept that he was gone. that he was never coming back. you missed his hazel brown eyes and his honey skin and the way he’d call for you at 4 AM. because he was like that. because you broke something that can’t be fixed. your eyes are droopy and you can’t take it anymore.

you end up falling asleep in the pay phone, your hair all over your face. before you know it, the sun rises across the horizon, painting the sky a lovely golden hue, like a renaissance painting.

you hear a quiet ding from your phone. you thought s/o would have deleted your number, so you ended up deleting his two days ago. you never expected he’d reply.

but it wasn’t the reply you wanted. you were his past to a brighter future. you’re stuck living in your past while s/o makes his own future. he thinks of you, and wished you the best of luck.

this is s/o, i just want you to know that i’m deleting your number. i know it’s sudden, but until we can be friends, i’d rather restart as strangers than try to fix something that’s already broken.

Guddi Didi

It was Sunday evening and I was reading lying down on my bed. My father called me on the phone and said, “Come home, Guddi Didi is no more” and he hung up on me as usual. It was hard for me to believe yet I knew that this was going to happen.

I started to think and remember so many things at once. The feeling was choking. She had cancer. Last stage. A couple of weeks back, I went home to see her. Everybody was telling her, “You’d be fine, don’t worry” and all sorts of thing but she was quiet, subtle. I saw her cold eyes which were as if insulting us all by saying, “You can not do anything to save me.” She was sad, really sad. She had nothing to look up to. She had nothing to wait for. Her life was like that and she had accepted it a long time ago. But she was happy once. I have seen her happy. She used to paint when I was a kid. We have her painting hanging all over the place at home. She was young then and I have heard from my mother that she was in love too, with somebody. But this love was crushed and she was married to a railways employee. She compromised. She had too. For the next 8-9 years, she had no kids. Her in-laws started to nag and torture as if she is a bad omen in their lives. And then Reymon was born. She was happy. We were happy too. Everybody was happy. We came to know some years later that Reymon had some incurable heart deformity and it cannot be cured. He became dark, weak and all bones. Whenever I used to see him, I used to wonder that why God was so cruel. What has this poor kid done? Two years back, at the age of 10-11, Reymon succumbed to death. Such a tragedy… On that day, when I saw Guddi Didi, I realised that she is not going to be fine again. everybody became busy in their lives, the whole family, but didi never recovered. Two weeks back, her husband called at my home and said, “Guddi is having cancer, its the last stage. Doctors have said no and I am going to leave her, So it will be better if you guys can take her away.” And she came home.

I regard myself a very strong person. I cannot cry that easily. But this was too much. I went home yesterday and saw her body. Dark and deformed. She was very beautiful once. My mother asked me and my cousins to put her on the ground so that she can make her ready for the cremation. We lifted her. Her body had became hard and brittle. I also removed cotton from her nostrils and a thick brown cloured fluid flowed. This is the end. It will happen to us too. We will also not look good at that time. I chose not to take any photograph. I did not want to insult a beautiful soul by taking pictures of her deformed body.

I wish her happiness and everything that she deserved in her next life.

PSP