Solo - Blog Posts

I'm going to be honest, I do not understand the Darth Maul/Qi'ra ship.

I respect Qi'ra and what she was able to gain for herself but it is obvious that she is just after power.

I don't see how Maul would be blind enough to let her get that close to him.

Soft moodboard Ailee

curta ou reblog, por favor.

Soft moodboard Jimin Park or Jamie.

curta ou reblog, por favor.

A lot of people have hurt me. And sometimes I act like it. 🤷🏽‍♂️ Y’all let people get away with a lot worse.

Just Me

I need to finally accept the fact that I’m alone. I tried to open myself up to help and friendship and support & I’ve had to demand it. It did not come freely. I don’t think this is going to change. It hurts but I accept it.

I think pretty soon, I’m just going to have to diminish my contact with others. Keep it to only public scenarios like grocery stores and barbershops. Leave personal ties behind me. I wish things were different but there nothing I can do.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep changing myself to fit into this world. I’ve really come to like who I am as a person, and I thought I was bringing something good to the world. I find myself having a harder and harder time everyday. Being myself makes me only feel more lonely and like I don’t belong. I wish no one would ever know this feeling.

So much of the time I feel like I don’t matter. And I think I do, but no one else seems to think so. I’m not sure how I’ll manage to be who I want to be and also remove myself from society. So much pain. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t seem to matter. How can I value myself when no one else does? I’m conflicted. I’m hurt. I think I really should just leave everyone alone.

Maybe one day someone will hear me.

(11.11.17)

Musti and a small drum kit.

𝑫𝑪  𝑴𝑨𝑺𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑳𝑰𝑺𝑻  !                     are  you  looking  for  people  who  write  in  the  same  fandom  as  you  but  you’re  having  a  hard  time  ?     do  you  want  to  explore  verses    &   don’t  know  where  to  find  people  to  write  ?      you’ve  come  to  the  right  place  !     this  is  a  masterlist  blog  for  the      dc  fandom     ;     both  the  comics   ,   the  movies    &   the  shows.      but  also  a  place  to  find  certain  resources  if  it  can  be  found    &   reblogged      (      ie.     icons   ,   psds   ,   screencaps   ,   memes      )     as  long  as  it  related  to  dc.      to  appear  on  this  masterlist  please  reblog  this  post  with  the  appropriate  tags  so  we  can  sort  you  correctly.     be  sure  to  add  the  following  to  your  tags  !

            canon   /   original  character                   multi muse   /   solo  blog                   character  name             if  you  are  from  a  different  fandom  but  have  a  dc  verse  please  add  this  too.

Clean Bandit - Solo (feat. Demi Lovato) [Official Video]

Sucedera, lo prometo. No sera hoy pero sera. Entraras por alguna puerta o caminaras por algún pasillo y me veras viendote. Esperando. Silenciosa. Y sucedera, lo prometo, te arrepentiras.

Wip first magazine coming soon?!?!🔥

I’m looking for old fanart but remember the name

It had multiple characters around separated from one another and in different settings. One of them had a damaged Boba Fett crawling out of the Sarlacc pit without his helmet saying "Solo", looking angry. 

Does anyone know what I’m talking about?

୨୧     SPRING CLEANING     :     1B

WHEN SOMEONE WRONGS YOU, DO YOU RESPOND WITH REVENGE OR FORGIVENESS?

“revenge. it’s simple: you do me wrong, you need to be punished. forgiveness is for fools who are much too kind and … well … forgiving. it’s a fool’s errand to be anything but vengeful when someone does you dirty. they need to learn a special lesson as to why they shouldn’t have wronged you in the first place and i’ll happily teach that to them.”

WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF?

“truth serum?” lili groans, ready to bite her words out of her own mouth, “love. being loved, not being loved, having love and somehow fucking that up because i’m apparently unlovable. also being forgotten … or i guess, unknown works too. is that exchangeable with fame? because in that case i’ll take fame over love. i’d rather be known than forgotten. and since i can’t be loved, i’d fear being unknown more than anything else.”

HOW MUCH DO YOU CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU?

“if i cared what anyone else thought, do you think i’d walk around with this proud, nasty attitude?” no, probably not. “i don’t care, but i suppose, saying so would make you think that i do care but i swear i don’t. sure, it hurts my feelings, deeeeeeeep down, but feelings are fleeting, i’ll get over it once i buy a new bag or some new shoes.”

WHAT IS AT THE TOP OF YOUR PROFESSIONAL BUCKET LIST?

“getting out of this hell hole of ambiguity they call being a ‘trainee’. i want to be famous, but not for being famous, i want my fame to be because i’m good at something. so, i suppose, right now, you can say at the top of my professional bucket list is for me to debut. what comes after that, well … maybe some modeling, acting? the world is … like they say, my oyster.”

୨୧     THE DECISION     :     DATE LOTTERY # 2025

going into her decisions, lili had half the mind to deny minkyu another date — how dare he try to one up her in front of millions!

least of all with surprises that he knew lili hated!

( the act of surprise, not the gift from a surprise — never a gift )

it would show him that she was not one to be trifled with! she was miffed! absolutely horrified! ( she says this but was she really — had it really been so bad — no, she was just upset over nothing because her flair of dramatics could only handle so much all while under the guise of her public persona )

and minkyu — that sneaky little devil! — knew that lili could never deny him on national television. so, she follows the narrative — playing the role of some awe-struck, lovesick fool who had the time of her life laughing along to minkyu’s cute little quips and his gab and gall for surprise.

seated, legs crossed primly at the ankles as she’s asked those three special words: “will you continue (again)?”

and ( like the drama queen she was ) just like that, she’s smiling; all teeth — grin shining bright as a little blush dusts along the apples of her cheeks as if just the thought of another date had her sheepish ( as if! but the role was far more important than the cringe of it all ); that seeing minkyu again after such a wonderful date would only overjoy her.

( god, she was going to give minkyu a piece of her mind once this was all over )

“it was such a good date, minkyu-씨 could have chosen anything else but he thought to do something he had never done and i liked it, it was very … courageous of him.” thankfully, it stopped at courageous and didn’t turn to anything worse. lili was not someone you should have as your emergency contact. “i really wasn’t expecting the ice cream tower surprise — how it was even made is even more crazy.” it truly defied gravity and lili was not sure how they got through it the way they did.

“if i could, i’d say,” a thoughtful and suspenseful pause for effect. “the adventure should continue, yes.”

however, the second these cameras turn off, minkyu was getting a second helping of a smackdown. 

୨୧     W     :     FINDING YOUR INNER VARIETY STAR   _   2

WHAT DID YOU CONSIDER THE EASIEST & HARDEST PART OF THE WORKSHOP?

“to be funny.” lili wasn’t funny at least when she tried to be — funny had to be an instinctive trait, one that came easy for them, but lili wasn’t like that. “don’t get me wrong, i’m funny, but not when i want to be — at least that’s what people say.” people tell her she’s funny but lili didn’t think so, if anything, she believed she was a far cry from it.

HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOUR OVERALL SATISFACTION WITH THE WORKSHOP?

“out of ten?” lili thinks on it, pausing for a moment before, nodding her head, satisfied with what she’s come up with, “i’d say ten. astrid 선배님 had a lot to share and tried her best to make us comfortable.” and when lili said she tried, she really did try — but it wasn’t enough for lili to cross her boundaries and her ego, unfortunately. at the ripe age of twenty-four, lili was already set in stone and could not (rather, would not) compromise herself in the name of variety. and maybe that had been her downfall from the beginning.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN A FOLLOW-UP WORKSHOP ON THE SAME TOPIC?

should she be honest — would it look bad on her if she was? or should she lie? she was good at that — through her teeth, tongue to cheek, a gentle, slow breath before she says what’s exactly on her mind: “no, i think i’m just not suited for variety, at least, if i were to go by myself. i feel like i’m a go with the flow, rely on people i know type of variety person but if i was just the individual guest? i don’t think i’m funny enough for that — or i suppose, it just depends on the type of variety. gags and the like, please refrain from recommending me.” was that a bit much? maybe but lili had to draw the line somewhere. this workshop had proved that this was not the line of work she wanted to be associated with.

୨୧     W     :     FINDING YOUR INNER VARIETY STAR   _   1

lili and silly — though a cute little rhyme — had never been remotely said in the same sentence. nor should they ever because lili was not silly — not funny in the way people found comedians a laugh; not inviting or a ray of sunshine that was often seen in variety-dols these days; the funny bone had surely skipped her, in some way or form.

in short: lili is no variety star.

sure, she can crack a joke; murmur a hmm and nod her pretty head at any question come her way, but variety was it’s own beast. and lili had no interest of taming it. it was fine to watch on a boring saturday morning, but comedy and variety had never been her strong suit.

so how she had landed a spot in the workshop is beyond her — but she enjoys it, learning new tricks of the trade had never been boring to her. they are all things she can recall from shows she’s seen in the past but had never once thought to reiterate or replicate, because she knows, despite all this fro and fray, she will not become the variety star they’re looking for, not when her worst fear was looking stupid in front of thousands — no, millions on national television.

(dreams of millions laughing at her for voice cracking was a close second but such things should not be thought into the universe, lili thinks)

it’s uneasy, stepping out of her oh-so-comfortable comfort zone. but at least astrid is nice and her voice is soothing to listen to and her tips are fun and inviting; so lili keeps them in mind, writing them in her notebook with her cute and pink gel pen thinking that a fun color only suited such a fun activity. sealing them in her mind for a rainy day — if that rainy day ever came. 

໒꒱ . LGC’S CHARITY CONCERT # 2024  、

in hindsight, if lili knew where she would be assigned to perform — maybe she would have chosen songs that were better suited for the environment. singing about loneliness in front of five year olds in a language they were less than acquainted with was not what lili had pictured when she had submitted her song lists to the coaches all those weeks ago.

if they had been given the heads up, maybe she would have thrown in a few more dance songs rather than singing about a love yearned or a love missed. lili had definitely missed her target audience by a long shot. a part of her wishes she had traded with someone else from day 1 — now, it was too late to wish, much too late to regret.

and without much thought of much else — it wasn’t like she had much choice to do anything other than what she had prepared — she lays her regrets in the back of her head. her confidence shot, her song choices shoddy at best, she was at odds with herself by the time it came for her last time at the mic.

as she’s begun her final song — had watched as the kids’ eyes rolled to the back of their heads at her last song — she could already imagine the chorus of internal groans at how another slow song was ready to leave her lips.

and yet, she carries herself as she’s always done; her confidence had always been something as strong as a mountain’s will; nothing could truly shake her, even if her crowd was less than thrilled at her song choices, she sings as if they’re all dying for an encore ( instead of the other way around ) — the heartache in her voice probably going over their heads — but she learns, as the last of the song departs her; the mist in the eyes of the center’s employees is hard to miss her gaze. and with that, lili is satisfied.

at least, lili could say she touched someone’s heart this holiday season.

•  ໒꒱ . CHUSEOK # 2024 、

lili wakes in a bed not her own on september seventeen.

the middle of the week, from below, seoul had become a ghost town; veteraned city dwellers crawling back to their hometowns for the three-day holiday. from where she woke, lili lays in bed, still stuffed in her pajamas and the lush terry-cloth robe afforded by the hotel.

it takes her a moment to react, still trying to figure out how and why she was anywhere but her bed in the dormitory or her bed in her apartment in cheongdam then she remembers and kind of wishes she doesn’t. pulling the covers over her head when she hears the notable knock on the door, the sign of the room service she had requested the night before when she had been left on her own by the end of the day.

ramming her feet into the pair of slippers at the end of the bed, she makes to the door — still not ready to start the day but it was now or never.

and well, lili was never one to dwell on spilled milk, anyways.

( even if the traces of such a thing were still found having run dry on her cheeks )

having promised her september sixteen for her time, lili still could not believe it. it was unheard of, yes, and lili, quite frankly, hadn’t expected her grandmother to be so proactive in scheduling for her time and yet, lili could not help but be excited. 

expected to spend the day, arriving to seoul that very afternoon, they had booked a quiet lunch at a hotel in myeongdong. it had been months since she last saw her grandmother, was it last year that she had seen her last? it had been that long.

with a laundry list of grievances, lili puts it behind her, puts her best ( read: newest ) dress on and rides to myeongdong with a smile that could not be contained. even the driver, who’s known lili since she had arrived in seoul, finds it questionable but doesn’t press her for it, lest it loses its shine from the most minor intrusion.

arriving on time — consideredlate in her grandmother’s book — she rides to the top floor, all the nerves and anguish bundled in her tiny fist as she clutches her fendi to her chest and steps, head held high, towards the hostess.

the expected, “your party has already arrived, follow me.” makes lili’s insides twist but her smile doesn’t fall; keeping in time with the woman as she follows behind to a pair of doors centered at the back of the restaurant, it’s patrons littered to a select few due to the nature of the holiday.

when the other makes a move to open the doors, lili stops her, thanking her for her guidance only for lili to take a hand to the knob herself. she needed the moment to be alone, she needed the breath that she had been holding in ever since she had stepped off the lift.

with a brief one, two — inhale, exhale — she pulls the door away from its hinges, stepping into the room.

and her guise falls.

her expectations have run dry and to no one’s surprise, her smile finally loses its luster.

“so, where is she?” she asks, taking her seat across from one of her grandmother’s lesser-of-importance assistants. one who probably knew korean and wouldn’t have minded the mini-vacation, the one that she had been granted after she took care of the errand her grandmother had sent her on.

the errand?

breaking the news to her beloved granddaughter.

“beijing. they’re awarding her for her work in the eco-development of ….” that’s when lili tunes her out, feeling the grip on her fist loosen as her eyes lose sight of the person in front of her and all she wants to do — all she really can do is wait there until the woman finishes whatever she was ordered to do.

“the chairwoman paid for your stay at the hotel, if you’d like to eat we can also order a meal.”

that’s when lili stands, fingers now digging into the beads of her bag. “no, let’s go to the room, i’ve suddenly lost my appetite.”

she watched the assistant round the table and knew the other was counting her blessings; out of all the things lili could do, she was lucky to have found a day lili was too tired to try.

making someone’s life hell could be saved for another day, lili was too busy trying to pick up the pieces of her pride.

they ride down to a different level and lili follows her down the winding hallway to a suite on the far side of the floor. 

a hand waves the key card to its function and the click of the door has it open before lili can slip from her daze.

“would you like me to —”

“actually,” she cuts in, then, hand on the door to stop the other from entering. “i’d like to be alone. please wish my grandmother a happy 中秋节 for me.”

she had the sense to know that, at least, her grandmother would check in whether the assistant had completed her job before she would ever pick up the phone to actually call lili about it — not when the fuse and all the dramatics that come with it had been lit.

leaving lili with the room key, the door closes and the first thing lili does is toss her bag to the bed, noticing the packed suitcase by the balcony door and she can’t help but laugh. the woman really had planned it all despite saying she would make time for her.

and rather than own up to her mistake of ever promising anything, she found a way around it, with a non-apology of money — the stuffed pack had barely fit in her bag — and a paid stay at a luxury hotel hotel. 

lili knew she shouldn’t have held her expectations — 

fuck, but she had already let them run away with her before she could help it, she thinks, sinking herself into the comfort of a warm duvet and the low-lit chandelier. feeling the depths of the silence render her emotional. 

had the quiet ever felt so lonely as it did today? 

she tells herself she’ll allow herself the tears. she’s granted it this one time and after that, she’ll never think of it again for the rest of the year.

what lili doesn’t consider is the way the tears come and never stop.

໒꒱ . LGC FAMILY CONCERT # 2024  、

she needed this.

what better time of the year to get her mind off of the fact that she was practically an orphan around the holidays. and yes, that was exactly what legacy’s family concert turned out to be: the perfect distraction. 

there is no time for hell raising, no complaints to be said this time — they’ve all been done before and surprisingly, lili had no will to fight them this time around. it’s an oddity, sure, the girl who was so used to having poison for a tongue and fire in her eyes, willingly compliant and obedient to an event she, otherwise, wouldn’t have bat her eyes to. but she was there, day in and day out, practicing like she didn’t already know all the words, repeating each routine and step as if it hadn’t already been engrained into her muscle memory. 

it begs the question:

was something wrong?

it’s a tale she’d never tell. in fact, when questioned by some of her peers, all she does is laugh and reply back:

“what? is it so surprising that i might actually enjoy doing the family concert?”  

because yes — it was surprising.

and perhaps enjoy was too strong of a word.

it was a nice relieve to the mundane and her constant woe is me that came with the autumn holidays. it was just nice to think about something else, really.

when the day comes, lili finds herself lost in the bustle — the craziness of family concert that she doesn’t really have the time to think about how her grandmother had sent her away with a pamphlet of money and her well-wishes typed into a text message read by an assistant who cared enough to take the two hour flight from beijing. 

and with all things considered, as she’s mouthing to so hot, laughing against the crowd’s roars, arms linked with jiah, lili can only think — thank god, i get to do this all over again tomorrow.

•  ໒꒱ . TRAINEE MISSION # 18 _ LILI : OFF DUTY 、

something to know about lili was that she was not an early riser.

as someone who loved her beauty sleep — she, more often than not, could be caught snoozing her alarm; it was a sore reminder for the days when she used to room with jiah, and could only rely on the other to wake her up before she left for the day. but without her, relying on herself and her phone’s alarm had made mornings a little harder. 

this particular morning was by far the hardest — waking up early was a bad, waking up even earlier to set up the camera for the most perfect ‘i just woke up like this’ shot was the worst.

blinking the sleep away, a brush of her fist against her eyes as she looks to the camera that she had pointed at her face — a unobscured close up — that lili only smiles to, breathing a rather groggy, “morning.” before laughing and turning away from the camera — pulling the covers up to her nose as she blinks at the time noted in red from across the room on the alarm clock. 6:35, ugh — so early. 

she shuts off the video then, checking the footage first, in the off chance that she’d have to redo that embarrassing display over again — thankfully she does not — and once it’s done with, lili wishes she could just lay back, continue on to dreamland but alas, now that she was up — she was up. 

wandering into the kitchen, lili picks up a banana and a protein shake from the fridge — the initial grimace she usually makes when she takes a gulp of her shake is wiped clean as she remains as passive as possible while going about her morning. 

today’s agenda includes lgc family concert practice — a continuation of some nostalgia stages and others — and her japanese lesson; things she lists off to the camera while finishing off her banana, “and then i get to go home and do my skincare.” she laughs, quietly noting that doing her skincare and makeup may be her favorite parts of her personal time. 

for someone who wasn’t well-versed with documenting every second of her day for someone other than herself to see, lili was quick to fall into ease in front of a camera. propping it against her tumbler; she sits back for her japanese lesson; taking out her usual suspects for the review: her my melody plush pencil case and it’s paired notebook as well as the recording device she usually brought with her to record the teacher’s dictations ( it helps her to repeat the phrases she learned that day when she hears it again spoken by a professional  ); all placed side by side as she waits for the teacher to come in.

it’s kind of funny how diligent lili is in her lesson considering just a couple months ago she had dreaded learning the language all because she had been under the impression that she had been placed in the workshop as a mistake — yet, here she is, almost five months into learning a new language.

maybe it was something she had a knack at — and at this point, after feeling somewhat comfortable in not one, not two, not even three but four languages — lili couldn’t help but feel proud of herself.

she wouldn’t call herself fluent — never, not yet at least — but as she scribbles on her notebook to show to the camera, at the end, she can’t help but feel that she was getting there.

❮  わたしの ほうが かわいいでしょ？  ❯

i'm cute, aren't i?

giggling, she shows what she’s written to the camera, winking as she points at herself before setting the notebook down.

while the day hadn’t been long, lili was more than happy to be home, already slipping on her my melody headband ( not meant for washing faces but don’t tell lili that because she’ll still wear it regardless ) and reaching for her oil cleanser to remove the bits of her mascara, tone up cream and sunscreen. 

her night routine wasn’t some agonizing 10 step system but it definitely did take a while and would keep lili in the bathroom for longer than she should be; it’s why after she washes her face, with a quick pat, she’s returning to her bedroom to do the rest of her skincare; making sure to dry each layer she places on her skin — whether its her toner, serum or emulsions — they each take their time to dry before she places the next. 

she’s left with just her face mask when she’s met with the camera once again — hand waving as she blows a cute kiss it’s way before saying goodnight. 

“愿你走进甜甜梦乡 ~”

may you enter sweet dreamland. 

໒꒱ . WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITY # 002 _ IDOL JAPANESE: THE EVALUATION 、 aka “LILI, CAN YOU TEACH ME JAPANESE?” I SAID 「はい、はい」

the unfortunate thing about all this is that when pushed, lili pushes harder.

and lili wouldn’t call what they did pushing, per say. unless you could call dangling lili over a cliff with nothing but herself and ichika as a safety net below her pushing — then so be it, they pushed her.

because lili did not like to be pushed around.

despite the practices for that nostalgia show the girls were all participating in, she had this on top of it — and lili was no stranger to overachieving and doing too much in order to appear as pristine and as put together as possible. even if it meant, forgoing necessary ailments such as sleep and food, lili was going to prove them why they shouldn’t push lili to do things.

in the grand scheme of things, the evaluation comes in a blur — her prepared speech, ran through and corrected by ichika with alarming quickness is something lili can only warrant from her own neck-breaking determination to get things done right. even if she had gone into this workshop not knowing a lick of the language — she could at least call herself somewhat knowledgable — if not, able to say more than yes. 

she goes through the motions, remembering the sounds of the vowels — trying to not trip over them as she slows her words, carefully, because the more she quickened her pace, the more she stumbled over them. taking a breath, and with another smile, she begins — in a banter with her partner, thank god at least they knew what they were doing, while lili felt like she was still dangling from that tell-tale cliff, searching for a savior. 

the breath helps, it eases the nerves tickling the back of her neck. her smile used like a shield in the midst of a battle against herself and the evils who had put her in such an uncomfortable position. never had lili felt this unprepared — even if she had spent every waking moment of the past three months preparing for just this — she still felt uneasy. 

was this is? 

her fall from grace?

( finally tumbling her from  her overly egotistic, completely arrogant pedestal that no one but she had put herself upon? ugh, the ground would probably hurt from a fall like this, wouldn’t it? )

these are things she keeps in her back pocket for later — for when she’s to complain about her downfalls and her supposed weaknesses to jang insung — a laundry list, really, of her woes and why she still doesn’t quite understand why she was placed for such a workshop. 

sure, she learned japanese — but at the end of the day, lili only did so because she had felt undermined, so really …

who was the winner in all this?

lili wouldn’t think it was she — begrudgingly, least said and never something she’d say out loud, it had put another notch on her otherwise ridiculously overachieving and accomplished belt — at least, she wouldn’t admit to it as so.

໒꒱ . DATE LOTTERY # 2024 _ THE DECISION 、

it’s almost sickening the way the nerves crawl upon her skin — because what did lili have to be nervous for? it wasn’t like this was some end of it all will she or won’t she a la the bachelorette; it was whether or not she’d like to — as they say — ‘continue the adventure with their current partner’. and if she said no, she could always call minkyu the next day and it'll be fine — right?

( it would all be fine? )

and as nauseating as it did sound — because whoever came up with seriously needed to be re-enrolled in romance 101 — lili couldn’t find it in her heart to deny it.

even if it went against all her principles — and maybe lili liked to think she was a better person than someone who’d reject one of her closest friends and then be fine with spending the day with them as if nothing had happened — she knew deep down that: she wasn’t a better person.

and she was just the type of person to do such a thing.

but when the cameras rolled and she’s asked the dreaded question, lili is answering before she can even tell herself that her mask was slipping.

“i’m glad it was minkyu — if anything, relieved?” she tastes the word on her tongue — as if testing it, the korean phrase a hard sell for a foreign linguist. lili nods, once she’s reassured that that is what she means. “that my date was with him. i don’t normally share much of my personal life — my childhood with many people — but since i’ve met minkyu before, being able to show him something that’s so dear to me was really nice. i think it made us closer.”

and she really did — think — that it had made them closer, rather in the superficial sense that lili usually built her relationships — in particular with minkyu, bolstering him around town with her black card through meals and little gifts — the fact that this had neither to do with any of the above made it different, made it feel different and lili still couldn’t quite describe that feeling other than … nice. it was — it is nice.

“and i think that’s why,” she pauses, licking her lips as a finger catches a stray hair before pushing it behind her ear — building the suspense through a charming grin and a small, gentle hum before she nods. “i’d like to go on another adventure with him, wherever that may take us.” 

because even if lili pretended that she was fine with burning bridges and acting fine, another part of her — the needier part that had spoken in harsh tongues and pleaded her not to — had already shown too much of her real self in the form of a happy childhood memory for all the world to now see. and she couldn’t deny that because of this, lili — whether professionally or personally — didn’t want the world to see her burn a bridge that she had now, despite her initial refrains, cemented in stone. 

໒꒱ . WORKSHOP OPPORTUNITY # 002 _ IDOL JAPANESE: PRACTICE 、 aka “LILI, CAN YOU TEACH ME JAPANESE?” I SAID 「はい、はい」

it would be an understatement to say that lili take’s ichika’s words to heart. in fact, after talking to ichika, lili was probably more determined to the learn the fuck out of this language than she had initially wanted to.

it is no secret that she was confused by the assignment. like — hello?

xu lili … speaking japanese? 

girl had sat through the entire briefing thinking that she was sitting on an incredibly long practical joke — and yet, 

the punchline never came.

after the inevitable had sunk in, lili had gone to work. sulking over useless woes would never get her anywhere and lili knew better than anyone that no one was going to go boo hoo, poor little lili.

anchored to her desk, she sits upright and focused. what once was clear-cut legible writing has been reduced to chicken scratch over ever word and phrase she had squeezed out of ichika before she had to leave for her next schedule. the rest is what she picked up from random japanese learning videos she had searched up on youtube.

even though such a evaluation wasn’t going to be televised — hence the mock — the last thing lili was was a half-asser. she’d give them something to laugh about for challenging her like this — they would rue the day they thought they could catch her slipping.

if they wanted her to speak japanese, she was going to speak the best damn japanese she could muster in the three months they gave her to learn this language. 

໒꒱ . TRAINEE MISSION # 17 _ NOSTALGIA REVIEW、

it is to no one surprise that lili’s least favorite week was week 5 and no we will not elaborate because lili’s headache throughout rehearsals should be enough of an explanation.

she was rather pouty and mouthy ( to any ear that listened ) about the song choices but when it came time to actually performing, like the hypocrite she is, she smiled and sang like she hadn’t just bad-mouthed each song the week prior to performing it.

funnily enough, lili’s favorite week was probably week 6 because she enjoyed ’tt’ the most. not only was it the most vocally challenging of the songs they had to perform during this stint, she found herself having fun performing it as well — understanding just why people liked it, in the end. 

she probably got a little too into character during the performance with her pouts.

one thing lili knows how to do is be charming and she thinks ( SHE THINKS ) her charm was shown the best during week 6’s performance.

from rehearsals to their subsequent performance, lili finds herself craving the stage more than she usually does. maybe it has something to do with the fact that they were building up for something — maybe it was the fact that with each week came a new performance and that only sparked a new sense of fulfillment in her; whatever it was, by the end of the program, lili finds herself a little sad that it had ended so soon despite her many ( many ) complaints.

she, surely, complained a bit too much to chaekyung and is still sore that chaekyung did not bring her to the nurse when she said her headache was life or death.

while lili prizes herself as an all-rounder performer, she’s realizing that being an all-rounder also means being able to cover for her peers when they fall short and not only does lili fail in that regard, she loses sight when she puts rapping and similiar low-toned range performances on the back-burner. another that she finds herself shirking is the way she portrays herself in her performances as a performer, being away from the stage had set in her a precedent of comfortability that she needs to ease off of — she needs to want it again, to not be okay with being comfortable, she needs to succeed in its light rather than just be on stage. she wants to shine. 

໒꒱ . TRAINEE MISSION # 17 _ NOSTALGIA PERFORMANCE ( DOLPHIN ) 、

despite her initial toil and complaint, lili finds a refreshing relief once she finally steps foot onto the stage. the heated lights overhead that dim before the start of the performance. the quiet murmur of staff and performers as they quickly take their places. the silent cue to begin — it all pricked at her nerves and delighted her in ways that make the past few weeks of grumbling kind of worth it?

( i know — shocking )

the songs aren’t necessarily hard. 

in fact, other than the slight hitches in octave, lili finds them fitting into her range with ease. she had never thought she’d grow accustomed to singing such cutesy songs about love but — here, she is. grinning and bearing it, as she can, all while prancing around as if the cutesy, pretty love that she sang about was all that mattered in the world. 

its fitting though — such cute songs for the turn of seasons. and with that thought, lili realizes, she could hardly care less about what they wanted her to sing. even if it was a song about some mid dude being a dolphin, no less. 

( lili’s interpretation, mind you )

she just missed being on the stage, in front of people, having them fawn over her in ways that only the lights and the roar of a crowd could do. the lights are blistering as the song starts up and the peppy beat drills through the sound system.

the dance isn’t hard — a flourish of hand movements here — side stepping into formation, there. rocket science be damned — it as like clockwork, hitting each beat with it’s composed movement that lili wishes that they had changed it, made it their own but she supposes this is what it meant for them to be doing these stages:

to be appeasing to its nostalgic factor. 

when songs only required pretty girls to sing cutesy songs with average choreography that aided in its virality. it’s in no way for lili to meddle — she thinks — as she moves from the side to the center once it’s her turn, the words rolling off the tongue with a dazzling smile to boot. 

because if it got her on stage, what did it really matter?

( at least for now )

໒꒱ . MODELING GIG # 003 _ AURORA REVIEW 、

one would think that lili’s first thought of being selected for a model for a brand would be of course it would be me — but you could not be anymore wrong.

she is surprised, so much so that she doesn’t believe it at first. 

being selected as a brand model is an honor — not a right — truly a privilege bestowed upon her by some higher power — was it jisoo? or had it been pure luck? — that lili had no hand in. and this is what stumps her — the go-getter in her is baffled that such a prestige just lands in her hands. 

( because lili knows —

seen it,

lived it,

had the deepest of traumas to prove it,

nothing is really that easy )

putting her feelings into words had never been easy. even now, she has yet to exclusively apologize to jisoo for things she knows she’s done, and if she were being honest, she probably will never really give him the apology he deserves. so, asking to put her feelings on the matter into words as so under the guise of reviewing the video of the brand’s overall concept as done through the eyes of its creator, lili may be a little less obliged to speak.

but — since it is lili — she has things to say, even if she doesn’t truly wish for them to be said.

“i like it.” she says at first, as if testing out how the compliment tastes on the tongue. it’s not bad — maybe because it’s not ingenuine. “it has an understated elegance that you would usually feel with an older standing brand.” a remark that flatters the brand for understanding its roots and not straying from it. 

“han jisoo-씨 has quite the eye.” would she have utter it to his face? would he hear these words from others? would lili have preferred it if he did? “i’m glad i was given the chance to be a part of this, i don’t know what other brand i could identify more with. i might even buy something for my grandmother.” another keepsake her grandmother would say she cherishes only to be thrown to the back of her wardrobe with the rest of lili’s unnecessary gifts to the matriarch. 

“or maybe i’ll buy one for myself.” a testament to a triumph she'd like to remember for later.

໒꒱ . BLACK BANQUET # REFLECTION 、

when asked to reflect — inquiries under the pretense of theory and hypothesis — lili feels this is legacy’s own way of leashing them. a toxic reminder that the wrong attitude could land you on the wrong side of the public masses all wrapped up in a situational ‘what if’ of an interview. 

so, lili sprinkles a little truth in each answer — but not too much, even if her own thoughts on the matter were of little concern. 

“it doesn’t really matter to me — i was just in the background, but it is kind of annoying that they’ll have to reshoot a bunch of stuff though. i’m sure the production staff must be exhausted, and i feel sorry for them. it’s a pricy mess, too.”  

truthfully, if lili had been a little more committed to the project, she probably would be frustrated. but since she wasn’t —

“what type of scandal?” she teases, before shrugging her shoulders — her face flattening to its default blankness as she thinks about it. “i'd probably do the opposite of what han sohee did.” she fanned the flames of her own  demise, really. 

didn’t she know the general public loved a tragedy — tearing down a blinded-by-love starlet was probably their afternoon snack in between their boring 9-to-5 and 5-to-9. 

“it would have blown over if she had just put the phone down,” and unilaterally kept her head down. ugh, the thought of it makes lili want to scoff. if it had been a man — he would have been praised for his blatant display of genuine love. but since it was a woman — lili tries not to frown. “people forget in time, or when another piece as equally — or better yet — more interesting drops.”  

from a realistic standpoint, lili thinks it’ll only be a matter of time before she’s accused of having an attitude problem — standing at the pinnacle of a misogynistic society does that to a person, especially if said person was a woman. she wouldn’t be surprised if she was prosecuted for even less than what han sohee had embroiled herself into. 

where they differed was that lili would never sacrifice career and face over a man — not when such a man did nothing to shield her from the backlash. god, reading the headlines the weeks before nearly had her gagging. such a waste, she thinks.

it’s easy enough to say it’ll never happen to her — but no one really knows the future, and lili was a time bomb ready to explode at the most minor inconvenience. “there’s really no avoiding a scandal — people try to make the most smallest of things into something newsworthy, it’s just the truth. getting in front of such a situation would probably be the smartest.” hiding things that should be kept hidden could only work so well — and for the filthy rich — but lili liked to think realistically, and while she liked to think she didn’t have anything to hide, there were some things she knew — about herself, her life, through experience — that could quickly turn from her sweetest advantage to the professional-fatal knife in her back. “that or being a nice person but no one is a perfect saint.”

most especially, lili.

໒꒱ . XU LILI _ 1V1 CONSULATION 、WORKSHOP # 002

lili prided herself on her one on one evaluations with her coaches. something about receiving critiques empowered her, in a way. if they flat-out told her she sucked, it evoked an irrational sense of determination in her. if they flattered her, it validated her. in the end, it was a win-win situation that worked in her favor. 

“ WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE YOUR STRENGTHS RIGHT NOW? ”

her strengths have always been her most steadfast of skills — they were what made it easy for lili to transition from some no name agency to the likes of legacy in a matter of weeks. her defaults came easy, rolling off the tongue in a crescendo of confidence that she wonders why seo youngjae had bothered wasting his breath. “singing, dancing, modeling — it’s a triple threat combination that i feel like i’ve perfected.” and to this day, lili believes is her clandestine repetotoire for her future and yet — "do you not agree?" she asks, at point blank, because if seo youngjae didn't, then obviously lili was not working hard enough. ( and that irked her )

“ WHAT ARE THREE SKILLS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO WORK ON IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS? ”

she ponders this, and realizes the slight deflation in her response. it’s no surprise to anyone that her confidence had taken hit after hit in recent months. being looked over and not even considered for certain projects had been low blows that lili had tried her best to not get to her — since nobody asked, lili assumed she had done a good job in not showing it. but now, as the cards are laid down on the table and lili is asked to foresee what she could possibly do more — she feels affronted, almost affixed to her thoughts. “i feel like i’ve fallen short on my performance” — lili only says because coach jang insung had told her something along the same lines in passing the other day and if insung noticed, there was no way it wasn’t going to be brought up today. and lili knew better than to hide from the inevitable. “so, i’d probably work on my performance.” there was also that small stint as an extra for that film project, not much came of it but lili did like her time there even if she didn’t have lines, and if her face was covered — it was something. “maybe try working on my acting, actually being on a set had struck something in me, i guess. i couldn’t really stop thinking about it.” it was her way of saying she liked it without being so upfront about it. “i was also thinking of trying my hand at hosting but if i don’t like it … i could just keep working on my singing, i still have yet to really perfect my whistle tone.” 

“ IF GIVEN A CHANCE, WHAT TYPES OF GIGS WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN PARTICIPATING? ”

“with my current understanding, i feel i would be better suited to modeling and acting opportunities. i am interested in hosting but i don’t think i’m quite well-suited to them yet. otherwise, for modeling and acting, i feel like while i lack experience, i have learned enough about the field and have shown my interest enough that i would be easier for me to adapt to them.” a long-winded answer that, in hindsight, sounds almost rehearsed. and for that, lili’s fingers sneak into the side of her trousers for a slight pinch. it was an answer — eloquent, smooth, almost convincing in nature — that almost mimicked something her grandmother would have ate up and lili … at this point in her consultation, wanted to be honest — apparently, some habits were just too hard to forgo. 

“ DURING YOUR TIME HERE IN LEGACY, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE LESSONS THAT YOU’VE LEARNED ABOUT YOURSELF? ”

while not something she learned while at legacy, she finds it’s something that is becoming more and more of a hindrance to her growth and it’s — “i’m impatient. i feel like i’m ready for whatever it is you’ve yet to guarantee me.” but no matter how impatient she is, she finds herself drowning in this impatience. “and it makes me make more mistakes than i’m used to. i feel like i need to learn better ways to calm myself and/or learn how to be patient.” the latter is easier said than done, so lili prays for the former more than anything. and while lili does not beg, her words seem to beg to differ. 

"we'll talk more in april."

lili leaves feeling like she’s said something she shouldn’t have. a fault of saying too much to ears that only nitpicked to their heart’s desire. a disadvantage, lili thinks, as she walks away from her meeting with youngjae with an almost bitter taste in her mouth. suddenly, lili did not care for how fast time felt. she did not look forward to april. 

໒꒱ .  TRAINEE MISSION # 16 、INTERVIEW .

lili had never been the spill your guts, vulnerable in front of the camera kind of person.

but she likens this scenario as a part to play. a role she must succeed to in order to get to where she must. and where that place is is where people liked that vulnerable in front of the camera, spill your silly guts kind of crap. 

so, lili does what she can — musters up the silly little guts that would get her somewhat of a good standing and puts on that darling, pretty smile her grandma loves.

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT FOR TODAY ?

“my favorite? it has to be —” she racks her brain for something memorable that happened today: she had almost fell in chicken shit — it literally was everywhere, it was probably all up in the grooves of her boots — the smell was permanently stuck in her nose no matter what jaekyung had tried, she was tired — lili did not want to revisit such a memory. and yet, here she re-tells the tale like it was some funny comedic sketch that had brought her to her tears in joy and jest. a darling smile brought to her lips even if the only thing she wished to say was that she was thankful that the day was finally over. “getting to see all the cute chickens, we even got to see some eggs hatch in the incubator, it was really cool. i’ve never seen that before.”

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE CHALLENGE GIVEN TO YOUR TEAM ?

“hard.” probably the most truthful thing she’ll utter this weekend — and it was only friday. despite grinning and bearing it for what she could, today had really done a number for her. “bearing through the chicken coop was … an experience, i was honestly kind of scared — i thought the chickens would attack us. can you imagine getting chased by a chicken?” she shudders at the horror of the thought, for effect.

WHO DID YOU FEEL YOU GOT CLOSER TO ?

she pauses, thinking about it for a good second. even if most of the day she had stuck herself, like glue, to jiah, lili couldn’t deny that there had been quite a number of trainees she had inadvertently gotten closer to. not that she could help it, in between biting her tongue at the complaints that wished spill from her tongue, she knew the others could tell she was having a hard time and, in the end, was thankful for those who helped to make her dire experience even just a sniff better. “i’d say jaekyung? she even offered her towel to me when she saw that i was struggling.” sure, lili was being a tad bit dramatic but the stench was truly nauseating, the viewers would be glad they’d didn’t see lili hurl.

WHAT WAS ONE LESSON YOU’VE LEARNED FROM THIS EXPERIENCE ?

nothing. lili learned absolutely nothing — she wished to say, but knows that isn’t what they came here for. that that wasn’t what the viewers wanted to hear. so instead, lili works the courage of what a menial, less troublesome, more humble person would think: she knew no one of this manner so she was struggling but she makes do — “that it’s good for all of us to take a moment to slow down and feel the wind in our hair.” something like that, right?

“all the aunties here were super cute, too, maybe their fashion sense here is another lesson to remember.”