Su!cidal - Blog Posts
no one gets it...and even if they did, the universe is keen on not making our paths cross. I wish to meet him, the him as crazy and angry and sad as me, he understands phone lines don't help with depression, he'll see people talk about SH and think he deserves it but he'll never do it since he's too scared, he bed rots all day, his bed has become his casket, his only sense of enjoyment is the media he consumes, he has soulless dead eyes and a nose comparable to gods, his eyes are auburn and hair dark curly but what is the point of being beautiful if people use that against you too? what is the point of being ugly if people use that against you too? he tries manifestation, witchcraft, subliminals, anything— to stop the voices in his head saying "this is all meaningless." because no one wants to hear that, no one wants to share pain, only joy. "who will share my pain with me?" he wonders. he is me. he is everything i am and everything I'm not. and I want to cling to his skin, not just mine. and I want to feel him inside me, not just my fingers. and I want to look into his eyes, not just from my mirror. Voglio vivere e morire con lui.....but he's just, not, there.
weed does not fucking cut it at all anymore and im out of klonopin that means it is time to shed my skin suit and fly into the sun someone pls distract me lol
I'm not happy
So my friend thinks I'm a bad person for stopping her from cutting. Honestly I just want to end it all right now, I may not get to see the look on her face but hey I'm being so selfish right now hehe.
I think I genuinely want to end it all. Nobody cares about me, not in a way that matters anyway. I constantly get discriminated against simply because I'm a foreigner, and they make it incredibly difficult to navigate all the legal stuff in my new country. And even if I do have everything in order, sometimes I still get denied simply because "fuck you, that's why".
I'm also struggling with severe mental illness and trauma, which at this point I only expect to be neglected even further. Not to mention dysphoria and being trans amplifying the above tenfold.
I just don't see the point. I want to withdraw from society. It doesn't deserve me.
People seriously underestimates how living with mental illness is also inherently traumatizing.
It's been almost 10 years for me now. I physically feel my memory suffering under mental illness. Other senses like vision get affected too.
You wouldn't expect someone to undergo 10 years of cancer treatment, only to still be sick, and tell them "please keep going, you've been so strong before, one day it'll be alright!". You just wouldn't do that, would you?
Then why is it not only normalized, but encouraged to act that way towards me?
laying in bed at night knowing she doesn't miss me as much as i miss her
she doesn't cry every night, begging for it to end
she doesn't lash out at everyone around her because she's so upset and angry with the world
she isn't in therapy because we're not friends anymore
She doesn't want me back and she never will
Inside my mind
(Arguement with me and me about my boyfriend and my mental state) Me: I love him… I’ll just wait till next month to hug him… Heart: he doesn’t love us… Brain: how about we start hugging Mr. Lust? He loves us more then (boyfriend)… Me: you two aren’t helping…. Heart and brain: dude you’re the unwanted one here. Heart: Brain shut up… you make us have severe depression… Brain: is that so?… why do you make her cry over (bf) every time he neglects us… hmm?… Depression: I think we should go back to bed…. Anxiety: but….. but…. we have…. school… to do… nononono please get up…. you’re making us look bad…. Family: grades need to be perfect. Me: fucking…. let me lay here…. AND DIE!!!!….
(I… have a problem… if you can tell….)