To The Bone - Blog Posts

Still stuck at 53… at least my strength remains the same as when I started I guess FREE ME FROM THIS JAIIIIIL😫

DAY 27

I hope that I am but low self 3steem often makes you think the opposite

I know it’s normal to get bløated and a little bit bigger during your period which leads to a temporary w3!ght gain… BUT WDYM I FEEL LIKE A HIPPO HEYDWHEJDNKAN??🦛

And I have to step on a sc4le in 2 FCKING DAYS !!! Imagine.. just imagine.. if the cøll@rbønes I’m seeing RIGHT NOW are just an illusion due to my důmb, deficient, m3nt4lly ill emotional sponge that serves me as a brain??

I think I going crazy, this is irrational thinking but I can help freaking out aaaaaaah

ON TODAY FØØD EPISODE 🐰

Breakfast~ 1 ice Americano + 1 fruity protein bowl Lunch~ 1 spicy sausage + 2 ice Americano + 1 unflavoured kombucha Snack~ 1 ice Americano + 1 apple Dinner~ 1 soto ayam and tofu + Greek yogurt with kimchi and 1 egg + Greek yogurt with tofu and grape

Total:~ 1100-1200

Lots of protein there lmao

My biggest flex right now is that I have a meat bread in my bag and I’m strong enough not to 3@t it

Make me feel in control weirdly

My final goal is to still remain the sociable, always smiling friend 🌼 Faking 3@ting like I don’t fear it and laughing with the people I love None of them will notice and I’m so fine with that I don’t want to stop caring for them, they deserve the entire world I will not become the mean b!ch or the ghost of the friend group I didn’t r3l@pse because of them so they don’t have to suffer from the sh!t I put myself into I accepted the love they gave me and started trusting them without questioning their sincerity Having them entering my life is the best thing that ever happened to me They are the reason I didn’t r3l@pse sooner, always showering me with endless affection I really thought I was healed for good but I just can’t handle myself alone more than 1 MONTH APPARENTLY The funniest part is that they don’t even know that they were my biggest support I only need their presence and voice to feel better 💐 I’ll achieve this and step out being the best version of myself For me and for them🧚

Faking the spark that is fading ⭐️

My period make me say my deepest feelings lmao

Please stay safe everyone, at least try to not lose yourself to the point of losing and hurting the people you love.. they don’t deserve it <3

DAY 26

I have body dysmorphia so I don’t really trust the mirror but

My collarbøn3s are finally showing

I got a little gap between my th!ghs

My w3!ght 

When I bend over I can see my spine

And maybe other things but it’s hard for me to notice them

The anaesthetic part doesn’t work anymore.. I feel a bit to much for my own good and it is insufferable Maybe if I ⭐️ a little bit more I can numb my emotions and be completely detached again

MY COLLARBØN3S ARE SHOWING MORE AND MORE!!! AAAAAAAAH What a great day

ON TODAY FØØD EPISODE 🐊

Breakfast~ 1 ice Americano + 1 egg Lunch~ spicy cheesy sausage + 1 apple Snack~ 1 ice Americano Dinner~ homemade protein sandwiches (it looked prettier in my head lmao) + Greek yogurt and fruit (1/2 apple and some red grapes)

Total:~ 1200

I feel better than yesterday, I was able to r3str!ct myself a little bit more but finding the right balance with protein 🌼

DAY 26

Art.. that include painting, installation, performance and writing

Biology and science, especially micro and macro world🧑‍🔬

Sport, I’m currently in the gym but that’s only because I can’t afford swimming class and horse riding hahahahaaaa (give me money lmao)

Politics

Doing to much sudoku for my own good

Making fake scenarios in my head and talking to myself

ON TODAYS FØØD EPISODE 🌱

Breakfast~ 2 ice Americano + Greek yogurt with corn and 1 egg + soya milk Snack~ spicy cheesy sausage + Egg salad wraps Lunch~ scrambled eggs with mushrooms sauce on focaccia and 1 chicken sausage + 1 ice Americano Dinner~ 1 gado-gado with kerupuk

Total:~ 1500-1600

I can feel my h!ps bønes while standing..

I CAN FEEL MY H!PS BØNES WHILE STANDING 🧚🐞✨

My life is full of challenges Imputed by myself

The next one is to not have my p3r!ød next month HAHAHAAAAA

Wish me luck ✌️

TW: fck3d up 3d thoughs

Every single month, when the cramps hit, I dream about the early menopause I can create with 4n4 and I whisper “maybe next month I’ll be s!ck enough”

This is not very “mentally stable” of me

DAY 25

maybe my collarbones? I don’t really know I suffer from bødy dysmørph!@ hahaha

ON TODAYS FØØD EPISODE 🐣

Breakfast~ 3 coffee + chicken and veggies + 1 omelette + fruit platter + 3 little cakes + 3 little tempeh mendoan and 2 croquettes Snack~ nuts mix + 1 ice Americano + 1 coffee Dinner~ 1 nasi goreng

Total:~ 1900-2000

First day of my period and a 5h hike, yeah better not r3str!ct today If I count everything my body burned at least 800 more than usual which means more than 1/3 of my maintenance + I really don’t care as long as it can prevent me from getting sick lmao I feel really weak right now

To my dear digestive system, Could you do your work properly for once? 4 days.. it’s starting to get a bit long hahahaaaaaaa 😊

I usually don’t count the c@l that I burn but today is a special day because if I don’t do it the culpability will be even worse

I had a HUGE breakfast this morning because we went on hiking during the night (2am to 7am) for 5 entire hours and I felt really weak after

I burned more than 700 c@l during this hike and I’m currently using this number to calm myself down when I think about breakfast (I ate a lot of veggies, fruits and protein but still in an enormous quantity)

I’m not sure but I’m thinking about sk!pping at least one m3@l.. maybe both we’ll see

DAY 24

If a m3t@bday count as a ch3@t day then yes

I do it because I don’t want to go back to the mentality state that I was 5 years ago but it’s actually really hard for me to 3@t so much in 1 day

ON TODAYS FØØD EPISODE 👒

Breakfast~ 3 coffee + chicken and tempeh with lots of veggies + 1 omelette + fruit platter + 1/2 small lamingtons cake + little sweet steamed bread Lunch~ 1 ice Americano Snack~ 2 banana mas + 1 ice Americano + 1 coffee Dinner~ rice and chicken curry with sambal and veggies + corn ice cream

Total:~ 1500

Lots of coffee today lmao

They said fermented foods are good for you… Alcohol is fermented hahaha

TIPS—bødy dysmørph!@ edition

— TAKE YOUR M3@SUR3MENTS!!! Seriously you can’t trust your reflection and your w3!ght is not totally accurate Combining it with your m3@sur3ments can really help you to not stress to much because of the deformation in the mirror The numbers tells you the truth! No it’s not possible that you’re looking totally different from an hour or a minute ago, IT IS IN YOUR FCKING HEAD !

— MASSAGE YOUR FACE Idc if it’s gua sha or anything else but I know that for me it’s help to feel the shape of my face under my fingers + you’re taking care of your skin so it’s a win-win (remember to hydrate it before doing anything!!)

— TRY ON CLOTHES THAT YOU KNOW FITS YOU Pretty simple but works a lot when you’re panicking, your clothes won’t change s!ze overnight you can trust them At least more than your reflection

— AVOID THE MIRROR FOR A TIME You can go back to it whenever you want, just take a break from it and do something else like working or watching something it doesn’t matter JUST don’t trap yourself by staying before the object

Have a good day everyone 🧚

Lmao i just thought about summer, I’m working in a restaurant next to the beach during this time and the good point is that I’m gonna move every day like crazy and dancing/partying every night but the bad side of it is that I will only survive on pizza and alcohol hahahaaaaa

I’m mean it’s the vibe and I shouldn’t be scared because, even with my poor summer d!3t, I always somehow loose w3!ght during this period. If it worked before why would it be different this time? But I’m still afraid.. I’m starting in 1 month and a half

I’m thinking one pizza a day + couples of drinks (and probably some extra snacks added) should be my maintenance actually 😭 I won’t have the time to count my daily intake anyway

Idk if I’ll be able to journal during this time because it gets really busy during the season so if I disappear, it’s probably because I’m doing fine, just busy. Also I won’t be able to w3!ght myself during this time but I will try to continue m3@sur!ng myself to track my progress or maintenance (and reassuring myself too let’s be honest here lmao)

Bonus points: my boss shows 3d patterns but don’t really link them to it. She always making small remarks and constantly comparing herself to me so I don’t know how I’ll be able to handle it this year.. I mean the cheque is good soooo yeah MONEY HAHAHA

DAY 23

Idk anymore haha, I sure act like I am on a daily basis but overall I don’t think I’m happy, more like grateful about the events in my life and my surroundings, friends and family

I started this journey to numb my feelings.. well I think it’s working pretty well lmao

ON TODAYS FØØD EPISODE 🐛

Breakfast~ 1 ice Americano Lunch~ gado-gado with 2 krupuk + 4pcs of tofu goreng + 1 ice Americano Snack~ 2 ice Americano Dinner~ nasi goreng with 1 krepek

Total:~ 1300

First day of the trip and so far I’m doing pretty well :)

Sh!t I’m constipated

ANYWAY GOOD DAY EVERYONE 🎀

Kinda proving me that I’m not 3@ting enough for my bødy to let go of any c@l I give him hehe

DAY 22

The typical “Are sure you gonna 3@t more”

Aaaaaand one that I found terrible “ If I push you, you’ll roll ”……. This one hurts pretty bad The funny part is that I wasn’t even f@t, I wasn’t sk!nny either, just normal lmao

Little thing that can help (eventually?) First of all this is a daily reminder that one day that you consider bad will not mess everything up, don’t give up just for one day IT’S OKAY 💚💚

Tonight I indulged myself to have a snack, 3/4 of an apple and 15 vegetables crackers with a little bit of chickpeas left from my dinner.. right after I started to freak out, saying to myself that it was way too much and that I ruined everything I was genuinely scared and felling like a 🐖 I tried to take a step back after some time and decided to see how my bødy would react to this (NOT AT ALL) b!nge I just had. Like wtf girl 300 is not that bad when you only had no more and probably less than 1300 during the day CALM THE FCK DOWN And you know what? Turns out my bødy was just hungry haha :) I feel good, satisfied and not bloated at all So to anyone out there that is starting to feel really bad because you choose to 3@t something more than what you planned for the day it’s gonna be okay <33 + if you’re like me you probably over counting/estmating anyway haha It’s okay to have a little snack once in a while even if you already had a m3t@bday, maybe you were just hungry and this snack won’t make you bloated

except if you stressed it out to much or you let yourself have an B episode because of it… it will only make things worse

Hope it reassured the people who needed to hear it 🧚🐞

ON TODAYS FØØD EPISODE 🎒

Breakfast~ 1 ice Americano + 5 vegetables crackers with cucumber, granola/chickpeas, rare tempeh and Greek yogurt Snack~ 1 chicken sausage + 15 vegetables crackers Lunch~ scrambled eggs on toast with melon and salad + 1 ice Americano Dinner~ egg protein bowl + 5 vegetables crackers with fruits and Greek yogurt

Total:~ 1600 (max)

I walked out of this day controlling my guilt over the 15 crackers and the beginning of a potential binge so I feel proud of myself