Tw Depressing Thoughts - Blog Posts
The Morose Pentameter
A lonely night, drowned in tears
But by sunrise, I am drained dry
My ailing heart cannot forget the years
I burned away with lies and pride
The blade could whisper across the flesh
But instead it shrieks into forsaken veins
I'm grown and gone, my comforts left
No longer crave I the relief, but the pain
I do not fear the void's siren song
Close to the edge, I wait to fall
One more time, one more step wrong
I'll meet the fate that awaits us all
We will meet with shadows and a lovers sigh
And comes the last of many days I wished to die
Gosh I thought I was alone feeling this way. So many years I've just accepted this idea that I need to mask and hide my own suffering at the expense of everything. And for what? I hate resenting others for being sick, but sometimes I can't help but resent them for their temporary pain or discomfort.
people assume that being physically disabled makes you more empathetic to the pain of others, but that’s not always the case.
for me, it feels unfair when others are in pain and don’t feel the need to hide that fact, because i have internalized the idea that i’m not allowed to talk about my own. it annoys me that, while most are typically understanding if a non disabled person doesn’t operate at their full capacity due to sickness or injury, disabled people are expected to function normally as if that isn’t our every day. as much as i want to feel solidarity towards a suffering person, it feels impossible not to be envious when their illness or ailment is temporary, but i will never, ever get a break from mine.
for obvious reasons i would never say any of directly to someone, because my pain doesn’t make theirs any less valid or real. still, i can’t help but feel that my disability has made me bitter and unkind, because i can’t help but compare my own experiences with theirs.
this is the reality of disability- it does not create perfect people. many of us are broken and struggle to connect with others because of our conditions, and that does not mean we are evil people
being iced tf out by people who ‘care’ and ‘love me’ and ‘understand me’ even though they don’t care to see that i’m literally at the lowest point of my life!!!
fake ass mfs made a whole separate gc to chat shit about me when i’m currently sitting in my bathroom wondering how many cvts i deserve today
i gave you one end of the string, now all you have to do is hold on and slowly let it unravel.
please, listen to the silent words and watch my eyes.
my life depends on you, love.
all these expectations. fuck you and fuck everyone else.
do what i want!!
no do what i want!!
nah bro what about what i fucking want. i can’t deal with this anymore. every outcome just ends up with me wanting to slice my wrists open, hang myself from the ceiling, jump from a bridge and EVEN THEN none of you would care.
“we didn’t even notice” man stfu i’m clearly losing my fucking mind and HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS.
lord just let this end, please. i’m begging with everything i have. please.
i’m such an unlovable piece of shit but god please just let me feel loved just one last time before the silence
will you notice my fat rolls if i split my wrists open and bleed out in the bathtub???
it’s fucking summer and here i am with my fat rolls hanging out in front of all these skinny people. i can’t stop staring. i wish that was me. someone just cut the fat off me i beg
i'm a disease. a lethal, deadly disease. everything i touch ends up ruined. i'm ruined and i'm ruining others. everyone would just be better off if i dropped dead.
“Feel it. The thing that you don’t want to feel. Feel it, be free and let it go.”
— (via officialaudreykitching)
I don’t think I’m doing so well guys :)
I’ll prob explain this to yall if you REALLY wanna know..
OH ALSO! Meet my sona my very depressed and suicidal sona!! heh….