Tw Depressing Thoughts - Blog Posts

“Do what you can, but nothing will take your pain away when you realize you're not truly loved by anyone.”

hearing your parents talk about future plans, knowing you probably won’t be here anymore

I hate when Im always there for my friends but they are never there for me.

I am grieving the living more than I am grieving the dead

I cry over people who don't even think about me anymore

And it hurts knowing they will never want me back

Crying and wondering why my mom picks my toxic dad over me. ):

Might see a psychiatrist today. The day someone finally tells me what's wrong with me. I should be happy...a diagnosis is validation that it's not all in my head.

But how can I be perfect if there's something wrong with me): if there's an imperfection. A flawi can't reverse.

My dad wanted me aborted. Sometimes I'm sad he failed at that.

TW: GORE, SELF HARM

Don't worry, I'm doing better now!

someday

happiness isn't something i get often and more than likely I'm sad or empty feel on the inside sometimes i feel like make i just don't deserve happiness. then i see my cat doing random shit and i remember that one day, someday, i'll feel happy too

I need to connect with someone again, I swear I can be a good friend, I'm just too shy irl. I feel soo alone without someone how truly understands me

I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying

There are times that I hate that I don't drink or do drugs. When I'm feeling down I can't drink away my sorrows or get stoned enough to not worry about it, so all I can do is smoke a cigarette and hope the feeling that I'd be better off dead goes away before it burns out.

I call this piece "Wasted Potential"

🙂‍↔️🔫

It’s staying up at night

Listening to the ticking of the clock,

the sounds from outside.

It's being distracted for just a short time

by the light of the streetlight

shining through the carelessly closed shutters

It’s hoping not having to face the next day

It’s numbing fear

Waking up the next morning,

starting the day with newfound motivation

It’s creeping up throughout the day

Doing the dishes,

writing an essay,

drinking coffee

And suddenly it’s there

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

Sad but true.

Unmotivated..

Why do I feel so uninspired. So unmotivated with what life has given me. Or to be frank, has thrown at me from the deep edges of hell for me to jump over. There is of course wonderful days to thank over. I always pray for more. Having shreds of happiness to cling onto in my most heartbreaking moments. Only to be starved, having only sleep for sustinance, having my bed shared by anxiety, depressive and the leeching feeling of uselessness by me taking no action. Instead, scared of the unraveled consequences. How stupid is that to say out loud, but it happens.

Just being always having my hands filled felt so accomplishing but so painful to think about, afraid of that deadline. It keeps you occupied and having some sort of safe space but its a facade, A facade that gives you new worries, new responsibilities than the ones you hear on a daily basis. In conclusion, That "safe space" manifested in your subconcious a labrynth with multiple doors leading to multiple problems to walk through rather than dealing it all through that single door. Your'e just not able to come to grips to say that that hallway to another room is not a salvation. That door is just taking you deeper into the labrynth until its difficult to get out.

To have people tell you to take a break is good to hear. Makes you think they care, and they do. There are definitely people you can love and trust through this time, but you feel so used to the routine you cant stop. You can stop the cycle, but it requires sacrifices and the mental torment of change. Change is a pain that's beneficial, a daily prescription I personally need to take continuously and so do many others. With change, my inspiration and my motivation will recover. And we can do better in life by seeing the positives more clearly, And to not overlook the bad, but be able to understand and keep that negative at a healthy dose so it doesn't spiral within us again.

(Hello! It's been a long time since I posted here. Based on this post, been feeling so down for a long time and back and forth trying to pull myself up. I thought to start again I could write about those feelings because I know a lot of people who feel a little similar. And thank you so much to the people who liked my other works that means a lot to me because I always feel a bit scared to share my thoughts on the internet of all places but now I feel more inspired and want to see people who maybe liek my perspective or want to say there own thoughts on subjects with me. I find it interesting. I hope you have a great day, and if you're stuck in a cycle like me. It's ok, take your time to get out but of course, acknowledge the longer you take the more impact it'll happen on you.)

I've been feeling a bit depressed for a while and it inspired me to draw this picture

Alright. That is just a stupid thing Sooo. You just can not to read it.

Uhhhhh. I hate my self .why can i do something right . my study is turning to worse .some my teacher start to hate me . and i can not study well or sleep well . dame

All just i do is try to sleep and feel bad and lesson to stupid music and that make the things worse .

Uhhhhh (╥_╥)

This will be deleted so soon

Automaton Heart

My hands move with no purpouse

My soul walks the earth, animated by a machine in my mind

I cried myself to sleep

I no longer sleep

No decision-making stops me from trying to find happiness

My conscience has left my body

My gears turn as my body withers away

The oil blood runs through my veins

No heavenly being watches me and no hell bound creature stalks me

I am forever alone

I am forever a husk

I’m so glad we only live once, cus I cannot do this shit again.

Sometime in my past I swore that if I ever saw another post from anyone who tried to cover up their obvious show off of a trip I’d end myself but now that I got to experience the evil and gut wrenching feeling of traveling abroad I have to admit it feels nice to post a picture from a place that’s not close to home. I feel disgusted by this feeling somehow , is this really what everyone is bragging about . I’m doomed

Streets say that Milan is the most hated city in Italy but to my surprise I found it delightful and to be completely honest , the pinnacle of bragging- twice officially Sænger

I was recently in Europe…and by that I mean I went to Europe last December. And I wish I could say that in a better and less confusing sense but now I feel different, like if it didn’t matter at all . I know it’s supposed to feel like it was the greatest trip of my life but I just didn’t allow myself to feel so. I know I’m wrong but at least I met new places I guess. I don’t think I’m returning anytime soon

Feels nice to post again. I’ve officially moved on from social media (this place doesn’t feel like it anymore) and getting a low profile life now - officially Sænger

I am the sleep that never comes

I long to break my own hands

And eat thorns