Tw - Blog Posts
my first cross stitch
There’s really not much to this post, I just wanted to share the finished piece of the cross stitch I started. This is gonna get turned into a quilt pillow for my aunts birthday in March, I really hope she likes it. She’s obsessed with the beach and if she could would spend every day there- as I kid I used to think she was a mermaid in disguise lol-
I ended up not doing the little knot details because I couldn’t get it and was becoming a little bit frustrated, but I plan to try again at this on a future project
Ana Story
about halfway through my first semester of college I had a friend of mine that I spoke to about my ed, he never judged me and while I knew that he was worried he never tried to force me into recovery- at least at that time- sometimes he forgot that there were some things that triggered me. The time that I talking about was when I started bingeing quite a bit due to stress, anyway to see the scene I had a lot of food on my plate and as I sit down he looks over to me and says” are you gonna eat all that? Can you really handle it? If not I’ll finish it for you” I think he saw the look on my face of pure guilt and regret, because as I tried to take another bite I stopped and pushed the plate away and said “nvm I not hungry anymore”. It wasn’t until later that I got a text from him saying that he didn’t realize that what he said caused me to stop eating and that some of the other people at our table told him that what he said probably made me feel like shit- which it did and I ended up going on a 4 day fast that ended with me fainting in class-
I haven’t spoken to him in a while, mostly because of winter break. He’s a good friend but really wants me to recover eventually, he’s got a bit of a hero complex- which I don’t really mind- he’s super easy to talk to and is a safe space for me. There’s been times when we both couldn’t sleep so we go on hour long walks around campus just talking, then we sit somewhere on campus talking more long into the night. There was this one time that we laid on the concrete infront of the chapel just staring at the night sky, it was so peaceful. id like to experience that at least one more time in my life, just to hear him call me is angel again
This is us laying on the floor in one of the dorm halls kitchen while our friends make cookies, it’s sometime around 1 am at this point. We’re all tired but there’s too much on our minds to sleep, it was strangely peaceful and calming even though we all had so much going on.
craft update
yesterday after going to the dentists, my nana wanted to go to the craft store to look around since there was a big sale and I had a coupon. So we walk around and I offhandly mentioned that I wanted to try doing cross stitch, so she goes all in and gets me a starter kit and some of the fabric for it. I even have some embroidery floss that’s back at home.
anyway I wanted to show everyone my new hobby lol
I’ve spent a little over 5 hours on this guys, why is it so addictive!
winter photos
I’m officially going back to my college dorm this Saturday so you know what that means, fasting without my family pressuring me to eat every chance they get!
ngl I really was glad that I could visit my family for a while school way getting to be too much for me during finals so this was a great time to reset.
crochet blog
I haven’t had too much time to crochet, but i figured I show what I’ve got done lately
It’s honestly not a lot just because I haven’t been feeling too well, but I plan on doing more in the morning
update found out that it wasn’t just breaking my fast that fucked up my stomach, but also the norovirus so that was a great experience.
I’m doing better now, however my sister accidentally caught it from me so now she’s sick. I took a little bit of a break from posting so that I could recover as all I could do was drink water, sleep, drink more water, vomit, drink even more water then sleep for 10 hours and sleep be exhausted when I get up.
I will say it was nice to sleep so much as I have reallllly bad insomnia and rarely get to sleep more than 2-3 hours. Most of the time I might be able to get 3 hours of sleep but it’s with periods of wakefulness. I feel like every 10 minutes of sleep I get I can’t sleep for 20-30 minutes, I’ve been off of melatonin for a while now just to give my body a break from it as in high school I was taking waay more then the recommended amount for someone of my height and weight.
Yall I broke my fast/ diet restriction and I regret it soo much. Not just because of my weight loss goals, but mainly because everything that I had( which wasn’t much) fucked with my stomach so badly
ok so, my second semester of college starts soon, and im already starting it off in a bad mental state. I got an email saying that im being placed on academic probation :/
im thinking about posting about how my days go a little bit more and what it's like trying to get off of that probation.
I feel bad for not being as active as I normally am, but I contracted the norovirus from a boy that I babysit and it's been hell.
i'm not complaining but I could do without the feeling like shit every second of my days.
guys I’m so nervous, I’m about to go and try to get my permit again!
crochet vlog
so I’ve been making my sister a crochet granny square blanket and it’s 2 ish days before Christmas. It’s sloooowly coming together but I’m hoping to finish it tomorrow
I’ll add another post about this if I end up finishing it, but it’s looking promising! Oh yea, my cat snickers has been keeping me company while I do this lol
I love going on late night drives with my roommate :3
It gives me a chance to think
forgot to post this yesterday lol
Breakfast: skipped
Lunch
Broccoli 20
Steak teriyaki 120
Rice 110
Dinner: skipped
Total 250
little update
I started a water fast for the week to drop a few pounds right, so i was only drinking water, taking my daily vitamins, and having a few strawberries. But that couldn't keep up with my body and what i was doing, so while i was at a carnival with my boyfriend and some of our friends, i ended up fainting at one point then getting insanely nauseous. Which honestly in the long run helped me get out of eating at the carnival because theres really no way of seeing how many calories are in carnival food, so win lose i guess. i feel bad because i worried my boyfriend over nothing, all he asked of me was that i took a little break for the rest if the day from my fast to eat some fruit and sip on a juice box. At the most i think that was about 25 extra calories and seeing as I've barely been hitting my calorie restriction (which is 500) and at the time i was only at 85, i think it was ok to take a break for the moment. Ill be back at it tomorrow though.
update
Yay my labs are done so tonight I got to use my new pack of blades:)
Tw sorry lol
man I would love to slit my wrists rn but I can’t since I have to get labs done in a few weeks and I know that they won’t be healed by then. I might just go it on my tights tho but that’s an awkward place to me yk
I thought that I was better
I genuinely thought that I was getting better, that I was moving on from my past. That I wasn’t the same 83 pound ball of depression and suicidal thoughts. But now I can realize that recovery isn’t a liner line, it’s a wave that has high highs and low lows. Some days it’s be a high, while others are a low. I may be depressed and doing things I shouldn’t do, but I’m not starving myself and I’m not cutting myself. And for me that’s a win. Yes I’m hurting in other ways, but I’m not bleeding and I’m not skin n bones anymore. I have scars that show I lived and I’m 105.8 pounds now. Technically I’m still in the bmi underweight category but not by much. I’m at a happy weight. And while yes sometimes I forget to eat, and others I say that I don’t deserve to. That’s all a part of my recovery, it might not be how others recover as each and every person handles things differently. All forms of moving forward- yes even the ups and downs- are a valid form of healing and progress. It shows that you are strong and kicking whatever it is that you are facing in the butt.
Sorry that this was so long, I’m on day three of not sleeping and needed to get this out. Good night or good morning, I hope you all have a lovely time. -3rat
why orange?
part one
part two
“carol have you seen….carol what the hell” I hear the dark haired witches voice come out from behind me and the blonde who are comfortably sat down on the balcony, cigarettes lit in our hands. “Hey no, no give me that” the lit cigarette is snatched out of my hand by Wanda as she scolds carol. Carol quickly moves to put her own cigarette out with a quick apology to the younger woman. Carol makes a run for it, while Wanda’s gaze is on me. I stay frozen in place for a few seconds, a bit flabbergasted that she actually just put my cigarette out and is now scolding me as if I am a child. “im 18 you know?” I say quietly, breaking the piercing silence shared between us both. A sigh comes from Wanda as she holds her hand out for me “the others wanted to know if you wanted to join us for a movie? It’ll just be us, Carol and Natasha, Pietro went out” she pleads with me, taking it that I will be spending time with them anyway I slowly nod, taking her hand as she pulls me up to my feet, her hands are cold but not the uncomfortable kind, the kind where you want to hold them forever as yours warms them up. That kind of cold. “we should go before natasha gaslights carol into watching Moonraker again” she says with a small chuckle giving me the impression of that movie being over played in this house.
me and Wanda walk into the small living room, a comfy sofa is pushed against the wall of the room, below it is a makeshift bed with blankets and pillows sprawled out across the floor. I smile getting memories of the times me and my closest friends would bunk out on my ex’s floor on nights out when we were too young to drink or get home to face the wrath of our parents. I smile a little and sit on the floor not giving the comfy sofa a second thought. Wanda smiles a little, noticing my willingness to always be sat on the floor. She sits next to me, throwing a blanket over us, I grab a pillow from behind me and pull it to my chest, bringing my knees up to my chest too. Just as I do this, Nat and Carol walk in laughing about something, Nat notices me first and smiles sadly. “you comfy there?” She says knowingly as I nod “you remind me of my sister, she does that too” she states as she gestures to my position, to this I smile a little.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Carol struggling to carry some DVDs, she sits on the sofa behind me before placing the DVDs between me and the witch. Nat sits behind Wanda and scans over the DVDs. Wanda quickly picks up a series, ‘skins’ i laugh recognising the tv show as the three other women look confused “you know this?” Natasha asks as I nod. The three women look at me blankly “what? Oh my god! You guys have never heard of skins?” I say looking at them all shocked. I shake my head as Wanda puts the disc in the tv.
after a few hours of watching the show, Wanda has her arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer, Carol is playing with my hair as Natasha has now plaited Wanda’s hair into braids, Carol tucks my hair behind my ear and Wanda looks over and tilts her head, she leans closer and caresses behind my right ear with her thumb “oh my god you have tattoos?” She says exited, I look at her confused. “yeah, it’s not that big of a deal” i state nonchalantly, the show now far forgotten.
Me and Wanda now sit facing carol and Nat, Carol shows off her army tattoos, one of them being a name. “Rambeau?” I ask gesturing to the one tattoo she left out “my uh friend, she died of cancer during the blip” she states “sorry” i mutter noticing how she put off talking about it “okay little rebel” Natasha grabs everyone’s attention “what’s that one on your arm, not the sleeve the small one?” She nods to my left wrist. An orange semicolon. I look up at her “the semicolon?” I say unsure if she meant that, she nods in conformation. “i..uhm so it means like I won’t end my life because a semicolon is a continuation and not a stop” i state with a bit of trouble as the three women stare at me intrigued. “why orange?” carol asks “it was my uncle’s favourite colour. But also because of a song” I nod while rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly “something in the orange tells me we’re not done?” Wanda asks. I look over surprised she understood the reference.
TW: sensitive topics
yk what’s the worst hitting a year since ur last suicide attempt and almost 3 months clean and having the worst relapse ever and having to pretend everything is alright because now ur the happy positive person and no one can know everything is bad again. So ur suffering in silence and someone will bring it up and suddenly ur in ur room after ur first attempt wondering what is actually wrong with you and why ur like that and why you can’t just be normal. And you know something is wrong with you but you’ve never been diagnosed with anything eating makes you nauseous ur panic attacks are getting worse you don’t believe you were made to fall in love or be loved and no one including yourself knows who you really are.
yay now is Homura -chan’s turn. This is based from @themonotonysyndrome au writing. homura is place in the scarabia dorm so kinda confusing during my search for the outfits inspirations,because at the same time i was trying to combine homura’s magical girl outfit silluotte into the designs. But anyway here is our time traveler as the “watcher” of Scarabia.
i finally get to mami’s design. based from @themonotonysyndrome au.I was really excited to get to her outfit,boy i went crazy for it not realising the struggle on her color swatches. i apologized if i did not make justice for the Golden princess of Pomefiore