Carenjadee - Untitled

scared.

im scared to catch these feelings, these cravings for someone always end the same. they rather end in pain or regret.

but the way you act, the way you talk, the way we talk, its different. its something ive never had. 

but i end up overthinking everything. i end up asking myself “is it worth it?” “should i fall for someone who i just met and probably doesn’t feel the same.” 

then i look at you and…

message for him--

hey, you’re never gonna see this but i just have to write this down or else it’s gonna kill me on the inside. so me and you have history, i loved you and you loved me at least that’s what we’d say. but i broke it off well because i just couldn’t handle the “school stress” and having the thought i could only see you once a week, i just couldn’t. so at that time of course i thought it was a good idea to end it with you and so you could move on and maybe actually get a girl that is there with you and you can actually see in person. then i texted you because im a coward and said some lame excuse and not actually tell you whats wrong which would’ve been a better idea but i didn’t i just broke it off. then i immediately “liked” someone which wasn’t worth it, then i guess i “moved on”. well that’s what i thought, i was wrong. all the the people i had “feelings” for were distractions. what i mean is that me having those “feelings” for them was a distraction to how i really feel. i feel like im going crazy, because every second im not busy thinking about whatever, im thinking about what you’re doing or what we could’ve been doing at that moment. so all those people i thought i had feelings for were a distraction of how im actually missing you. but yet again im dumb because you’ve moved on and you probably hate how im crawling back to you right now when you’ve moved on so im sorry that my actual feelings and thoughts just hit me now because most of the time i have no idea what im doing. yet again you’re never gonna see this.

XVIII

holding hands · 手牵手

someone requested i post these without the lyrics so here u go

exhausted

im tired of people assuming somethings about me, sure it may be a bit true but it isn’t the whole truth.

im tired of people telling me what to do or think, i dont need your opinion and please just let me do what i want to do and what i think is right. if you don’t agree that’s your own opinion and im not stopping you, i just don’t give a sht.

but what im most tired of is the people in i considered my ‘friends’, i ask for your help yet all that ends up happening is you judge the way i think or do things. so please if you can’t handle me then just please leave im totally okay with not having you as my ‘friend’

what if

what if i never did what i did? would it still be hard knowing that you deserved better, that if you were with someone else you’d be happier? maybe

but i cant go back. im stuck with the decision of letting you go and that i was too scared of being with you and disappointing you. yeah i know its dumb but what can i do now? its not like i can go back?

i have a question, do you ever think about me? yes i know this is dumb and the answer is probably no because i hurt you. but i just wanna know because i think about you. yeah i know you’re probably thinking why and maybe kinda pissed but i do and its all these little things that trigger it, like the stuff that trigger memories. happy ones. but really i just want to know if you ever just a little thought about me.

well yet again you’re never going to see this…

problem

I just add on to all your other problems. I make you down constantly. your life would be so much easier if I wasn't apart of it. you don’t deserve this, you deserve someone better. someone who doesn't add on to your problems. someone who makes you happier not down. you deserve someone who isn't me.

I’m sorry I'm like this but I can't help it. I constantly think of why. why me? why does he love me? and I can never understand why. I'm not good for you. you shouldn't have to deal with this constant pain and burden of having to deal with me. I'm sorry.