Latest Posts by joonsdiiimple - Page 5

@my dysfunctional family💕

cAn ❣ yOu 💕 pLeAsE 💓 sToP 💞  aRGuiNg 💖 I´M 💘 StuDYinggGgG 💗

do you ever just wonder how far ahead you’d be in life if you didnt have a mental illness or if your family wasn’t dysfunctional or if that one tragic thing never happened and it just fucks you up??

Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

Signs that you’re living in abuse:

Behavioral patterns of living in abuse

Was I abused? Checklist

Not knowing you are a victim

Signs your family is abusive

Making excuses for your abusive parents

Experience of living in secrecy

What they taught you was abuse

Emotional experiences of living in abuse

Shame and guilt: how abused children feel

What makes parents abusers (actions)

Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault? Checklist

Am I being held hostage by abusers? Checklist

You are not allowed to mention the past

Why you still love abusive parents

Parental behaviour that isn’t normal

Shit parents aren’t supposed to say to you

Experience of “not belonging anywhere”

Red flags for abusive parents

Healthy vs Abusive Chores

Was my childhood abusive or just had some bad parts?

Rules always change (unpredictable environment is abusive)

Breakdown of abusive parent’s behaviour:

“This is my house” rule

Start living in the real life!

Why all the children aren’t abused equally in an abusive home

Common abuser hypocrisies

Do your parents want you to be happy or look happy?

Why do they try to convince you that you’re worthless

Why do they pretend you’re a burden? Controlling behaviour

Why your abusers are not good people

Abusive parents are keeping you in false hope they’ll change

Are your parents preventing you from succeeding?

Abusive parents pretending “it wasn’t that bad”

Double Bind (why every choice you make ends wrong)

Incorporating trauma in raising children

Abusers will not allow you to call them out on abuse

Signs your parents are narcissistic:

Stuff delusional narcissists say

Shit narcissistis parents say

Recognizing emotional immaturity of narcissistic parents

Examples of narcissistic behaviours

Being punished for growing up by narcissistic parents

What children of narcissists go thru

Signs you’ve been thru sexual abuse:

CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) Symptoms

Signs you might have endured CSA

Was I sexually abused by adults as a child? Checklist

Signs of abusive friendship/relationship:

How to tell if a friend is not a friend

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist

Manufacturing insecurities

Red flags for abusers

Have I been thru social abuse? Checklist

You can recognize abusers by how they make you feel

How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships

Recognizing abusive friendship

Signs you’re struggling with trauma

Trauma processing information

Experiences of traumatized children

Signs you’re recovering from long term abuse

Things abuse survivors think/say

Thoughts of victims of child abuse

Your brain on trauma

How long term childhood abuse develops into complex trauma (comic)

Ups and downs of trauma

some days ago i was playing poker with my family, and speaking french (because they know that helps me with practice).

Then my dad comes to play.

my dad and my little brother started arguing about something of the cards and-

LB: he does that all the time, doesn´t he?

Me: C´est la verite

LB: thE whAT¿?

Dad: *staring at me*

Me: ThE tRutH

Dad: *laughs*

i know it´s ridiculous, but y´all don´t know how insecure my dad makes me about the languages i speak, i still insult everybody in french while we play poker ´cause that´s what i do better 💖

My blog is for:

Coping with my mental stuff

Getting my disordered thoughts out of me and not letting them eat me up inside

Seeing other ppl with similar issues to not feel so alone, possibly making friends with them so they don’t feel so alone

Making me not feel so crappy

My blog isn’t for:

× For promoting mental disorders

× Promoting self harm

× Putting others down

× Telling others to do what I do

me right now.

victims of abuse be like, this person has now made me cry myself to sleep about 30 times, i have flashbacks of things they’ve done and said to me, they know how to hit me right in my worst insecurity and guilt so i feel horrible for days and months, their comments make me feel worthless and like i shouldn’t even be alive, and being around them makes me feel small and meaningless and sometimes suicidal but maybe that’s just me, maybe they’re not abusive? i have to give them benefit of the doubt, what if i’m not justified to kick them out of my life?

remember that feeling you had as a kid when bad things were happening and nobody seemed to care and you just kept thinking “Someone should be outraged about this!!! Someone should know and be completely horrified and stunned and then take me away from all this!” but it never seemed to happen and you waited and waited until you lost the faith that you were worth saving

me, while being abused: it's okay, I'm used to this already, and I'm tough, I can take it.

me, years later when the trauma symptoms hit: I WAS SO WRONG

Losing my M I N D

Hey, I hope y'all been doing okay.

It's been a while since I wrote something, like¿¿ 1-2 months¿¿ I don't know, but the last time I wrote was the day ¿43? Of quarantine, and now is day 91.

I'm going to start writing because i'm sleepy and I have class today.

School

Pls end my suffering.

I don't fucking know ANYTHING about my grades, I could have failed everything without knowing.

Some teachers are asking for exercises I couldn't send, but they don't say WHAT sPECIFIC EXERCISEEEEEE. THEY JUST NEED TO SAY THE NAME OF THE EXERCISE, HOW DIFFICULT IS THAT?

Science is the worst, the teacher just can't realize that we have another 6 classes, not just science?????

I had a breakdown on monday, because one of my answers in spanish was wrong, and later the science teacher said my work was incomplete because I didn't add A FUCKING PERSONAL COMMENT I DIDN'T REMEMBER, FUCK.

Like, when I say it, it doesn't sounds so bad when I say it, but look, I spent my whole day doing my homeworks, I can't take a "it's not good enough" as something because i'll start crying.

I can't feel enough.

Now that we're talking about school, do you remember the last time I said I wanted to change school and that I was anxious about it??

My mum got me an opportunity in a girl's school, and I was so happy about it. Until I had to tell my dad.

He said no.

Because it doesn't have sense to change school if at the end of the year i'm gonna get expelled as always. I got expelled in 5th grade, in 6th grade I had to repeat, and leave. I was so sad to focus on my studies, I lost on purpouse and when I tried to win it wasn't enough. And it looks like he's the only one who can't just forget about it.

He said that I was doing okay in this school, and that shows how an uninterested parent he is. 'Cause in the last months I had 8384648373 breakdowns, my grades went down and I got that fucking insufficient in attitudes, please get me out of here.

The Guinea pig situation.

The last month I got O B S S E S E D with the hamsters, and I wanted one, but the only option I had was to get a guinea pig, so I started to investigate about them. I'm in love with the Guinea pigs. My mum was okay with getting me some, I just had to take care of them.

And here is when my dad enters to do NOTHING 'CAUSE HE SAID NO😎👌

He said no because "Guinea pigs make holes"?????? And because "they have a lot of babies" I even explained to him that they were gonna be inside my bedroom, and that I was gonna get two girls.

But he said "my word is the one that matters and is NO".

So I don't have a Guinea pig.

I told my girlfriend and she said "it's okay, calm down, it doesn't matter, is something that you want, not something you need".

I felt so bad, if they knew how much time I spent investigating just because I wanted them.

I want something to take care of, I want to feel needed, I want to feel useful, and I thought maybe an animal can fill that, it sounds selfish, but I feel so bad, I really wanted them. but nobody cares, as always.

Well, that's all i have to say now, have a good night/day/afternoon.

Day 91: june 12

[Image Description: A black color block and pink color block in a vertical row with text that reads “protect queer jewish people / don’t allow antisemitism to exist in queer spaces”]

Admitting you were abused is hard for whole multitude of reasons, but one that hit me most was the fact that I had to admit to myself that abusers have managed to really, really hurt me. Really badly. That all their efforts to get to me, to make me doubt myself, to make me hate myself, were successful, no matter how much I fought, and pretended not to be hit by it all. I didn’t manage to defend myself. I didn’t beat them. I got hurt. I couldn’t get out of there. I couldn’t get away from them. I continued to get hurt. For a long long time. I was at their mercy. They could have done anything to me. They did anything to me. Nobody stopped them. Nobody fought for me. Despite all my efforts to keep myself sane, to keep myself okay, I am filled with wounds and trauma and damage too vast to even asses. They got what they wanted. And I lost big parts of myself to it. I’ve been lying to myself when I tried to be okay. I wasn’t okay. I needed help. I wasn’t unbeatable. I wasn’t quite that strong. Humans aren’t made to be that strong. Humans aren’t made to survive in environment where they’re tortured and abandoned completely. I wasn’t made to withstand that either. I got broken. I lived in an illusion that this was okay. It wasn’t. I was scared. I was alone. I thought it was my fault. I could have died. It’s a miracle I’m still around.

help my children and i escape a abuser!!

paypal: imposterwarp@gmail.com

’m sure a lotta yall saw my past posts, but once again, some context read this

once more, i rly hate to ask for donations during this time, but i desperately need it!

unfortunately i had to spend a LOT for basic need, but the donations did save me in a way. i’m eternally grateful to you all

moving rn is a bit rough but we all need it and naturally the expenses i’ll need will be rather

I WILL DO COMMISSIONS, (and if you want, you can donate to any of these links at least 5 bucks, show me proof. i would l prefer to keep these commissions simple but if you donate a big amount, well we can talk in my DMs

but also keep in mind im desperately needing money to keep my kids happy and me not be miserable

EVEN IF YOU CANT DONATE, PLEASE BOOST!

i know we’re living in troubled times ans i didnt’ wanna do this during the protests, but my poor damn near 10 yr old and i are going nuts and highly frustrate.

if not for me, do it for these little sweeties

I know this has nothing to do with food or Ed's but I have to say this. If you are able to spare any money at this time, please send it to the Floyd's family and the group's pushing for change. It is cruel and unjust to allow a murderer walk away freely after what everyone in Minnesota has done. No one deserves to have their death broadcasted in that way. Everyone deserves to have their humanity stay with them. What Derek Chauvin did was murder. George was already apprehend, he was innocent and was on the ground. There was absolutely no reason for Derek to put HIS KNEE ON GEORGE'S NECK. Nowhere in the the cops training does it say that is a valid way to stop someone. Also, the other officers who stood silently and watched deserve to be charge. They could've saved an innocent man's life and they did nothing. So spread George's name. Spread everyone name who's life was taken in vain by this corrupt system that oppresses so many. There is so much new information being found with every new hour that passes by. Please try to use the platforms you have regardless of numbers. Please bring attention to this terrible murder.

Another thing that must be addressed, stop spreading videos of his death. There is no reason for an individual to share that video, I know its to spread awareness but you sharing his death that way makes it no better than snuff. It adds nothing to the conversation other than a surface level pity. Black people aren't something to show off in social media as a way to get you brownies points. They are individuals from various communities who have meaningful lives and deserve better than what this nation has in place for them. Stop posting his death, use your words to bring attention to the issues say his name. Don't let him be forgotten like so many other people who have died at police hands.

Also, if you plan on attending any of the protests, please protect yourself. Please take care of yourself. Wear solid colors, preferably all black and loose clothing. Try to get a size bigger and a basic black belt if you can. Your shoes should be inconspicuous. No intricate details, not flashy, and please try to avoid showing them to anyone before or after the protest. People have been found out because of what they are wearing. Please cover your eyes with glasses or goggles, USE A FACE MASK, we are still in the midst of a pandemic. Using goggles and a mask will not just help slow the spread of the virus but will also protect you from tear gas and flying projectiles. Carry a backpack with a bottle of water, to to flush out your eyes or anyone else's who has been affected by the gas. If you are not willing to fight but want the protests but want to do something good, help others. Take pictures and video of everything happening around you. Turn off your data, they can use it to track your location after the protest and can find out who you were and get you arrested.

Here are a few organization to donate to or brands that are willing to match the donations. There are many more but these are the only ones I have personally seen.

gofundme.com

Official George Floyd Memorial Fund organized by Philonise Floyd

On May 25, 2020, my life shattered as I learned of the tragic passing of my dear b… Philonise Floyd needs your support for Official George F

Reclaim the Block

Reclaim the Block

Reclaim the Block began in 2018 and organizes Minneapolis community and city council members to move money from the police department into o

Minnesota Freedom Fund

Minnesota Freedom Fund

whoops, i've been told that "it is not abuse 'cause is for your own good", the harm my parents did to me for my own good turned me in a traumatized child, with fear. Nobody who was physically abused as a child turned out okay.

being spanked is abuse

being slapped is abuse

being physically harmed or hit in any way by a person in power over you is abuse

being intimidated and terrified into thinking that they’ll hit you is abuse

being forced into state where you flinch when their tone of voice changes is abuse

being sure that you’re dead when they lift their hand is heavy psychological abuse

being hit with your own hand is abuse (abuser forcing your hand to strike your body)

feeling like you have to keep a happy face and pretend that everything is okay is abuse

feeling like you haven’t been hit enough and like you deserve more is abuse

having a person with power want to cause physical harm to when you have no way to defend yourself is abuse

controlling your reactions is abuse

demanding a different reaction after physical harm is abuse

demanding no fear, no anger, no bitterness, no symptoms after being hit is abuse

forbidding expression of pain and fear and anger is abuse

subtly letting you know that you can’t tell anyone about what they did is abuse and silencing technique

shaming you for hitting you is abuse

demanding that it’s your fault if you get traumatized by physical harm is abuse

claiming that it’s you who is violent if you resist or try to escape or fight back is abuse

if any of this was done to you: you have been abused

if this was done to you and you don’t think it was harmful: you are wrong

if you dare to comment “i was hit and i turned out okay”: nobody who thinks any of this is alright to do to a child has turned out okay

And I oop-

Hi, i'm not so active here but I have notifications on to see my favorite blogs, and this morning I noticed that I wasn't getting notifications so I was like ¿¿

I opened the app and I had to log out and in again MY HEART- I WAS- idk, I thought my blog was terminated, oof.

Drink water or i'll go and make you drink water

Reasons not to hurt kids:

their happiness

their safety

their well being

their health

their childhood

their future

their emotional health

their mental health

because the world will hurt them too and they’re supposed to have someone in life they can trust

so they’re safe loving you

so they feel protected

because they don’t deserve pain

because it’s already so damn hard to exist on this decaying planet and they don’t need any extra stress in life

because they’re facing difficulties and need support not pain

because it makes you a horrible person to hurt a kid

because nobody benefits from it

because it teaches them that being hurt is normal, acceptable way to live

because it can push them to hurt themselves

because it will make them feel abandoned and worthless

because they feel your hatred so strongly it can break them

because they’re in a small body and it’s already frightening for them to know someone wants to hurt them

because it’s not your job to be a villain in a child’s life

because they might not recover

because there’s only so much a child can endure

because they might never stop hurting

because they will grow up and you don’t have the right to expect their forgiveness

because you’re taking away their ability to feel save and loved by you

because you might be taking away their ability to feel safe or loved by anyone

because you’re breaking their heart and they thought they could trust you

because no child deserved to be brought in this world only to be betrayed

because making a child go thru pain is a despicable and monstrous thing to do

because it doesn’t have any, ANY benefits to the child at all

because there’s a huge amount of children already traumatized and suicidal and struggling to keep themselves alive by the end of the day

because you do not have to hurt a child, ever

Reasons to hurt a child

There are no reasons. There are only excuses. Only incomprehensible garbage and lies that exist for the sole purpose of excusing your horrifying actions of hurting a kid. Because you felt like keeping a small human being in pain to satisfy your sick urges. No kid needs to be hurt to grow up right. No kids requires pain inflicted on them by people they trust and rely on in order to be raised safely. If you think there are actual reasons to hurt children it’s because you want to hurt them and will make up any kind of bullshit to excuse your abuse. No child has deserved this. Stay away from children if you can’t love them.

Some time ago my mum gave me pills for calming me down at school after the breakdown I had. And it was oof, my head was moving but my body wasn't responding, I felt like shit but I wasn't able to feel anything.

I was looking at my classmates dancing like:

I'm sorry, hope y'all having a good night

(Day 41: April 24)

Pls remember to stay safe, you're amazing, keep going💗

i'm alive *sadly*

I start school again, today. It's 2am AND I'M NOT SLEEPING.

The president had a conference yesterday and he removed our mid-term break, every teen in my country is like:

we're sad, i'm sad.

Minecraft and cartoon network kept me alive.

I'm avoiding social contact since I fucked up my self-steem AGAIN.

And I started wondering what will happen if my girlfriend notices me acting weird, she did last time and:(. I don't want to have a mental breakdown and tell her I have an eating disorder. I don't want tu destroy everything again. I want to be okay but I can't even keep myself okay.

(Day 31??? of quarantine: april 14)

I'm sad and angry i'm gonna eat 10 chips ahoy

me: *tell my mum i am full*

My ed:

My mum: *leaves the room*

Me: ooo emPANADAS *eats 3*

My brain: thank you

My ed:

Based on a true story

(4:36pm)

Uh, ok

Hi, my self-steem hasn't changed since i left tumblr, maybe is worse now.

Yesterday was a bad day for my sel-steem.

(Day 28??: april 11)

ED things

You know its bad when the first thing you notice about anyone is how thin their legs are and if they have noticeable collarbones or not. Then compare yourself to them all the time and fall down a deep pit of self-hate

why why wHY

Quarantine will be longer, we'll have to stay 'til May. That means MORE HOMESCHOOLING:( and that means dead.

I'll go play minecraft just to act like I didn't heard of staying another month in my home.

(2:56pm)

some update of what I did yesterday

it was a good day♡

i ate

and i spent 3 hours painting Cavetown's sleepyhead album cover in acrylics.

(That's the actual cover i'm not gonna show my paint 'cause i'm insecure😎👌)

•♡

My girlfriend was all the day doing homework so she wasn't answering all the time, it was perfect 'cause I didn't have to be anxious to reply early.

She said my paint was really cute:'). She's studying arts, so it feels really good.

The only thing that stills annoying me, it's that NOBODY in my house knows the netflix password. And my dad doesn't want to change the password IT DOESN'T HAVE FUCKING SENSE WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT WHEN THE LAST PASSWORD ISN'T WORKING AND YOU DON'T KNOW THE PASSWORD ¿?¿

I'm fat and angry af leT ME WATCH I'M NOT OKAY WITH THIS AGAIN AND OITNB OR I'LL CRY.

(Quarantine day 26, april 9)

It's currently 1:23am and i'm not so sleepy but i'll try to sleep. I did slept 6 hours yesterday.

What are y'all doing??

Pls check out Cavetown's new album:'(

The dumbass is back

Hi, I have a 4.4.4 android so in the middle of 2019 tumblr got an update and i couldn't use the app anymore.

I came back in the quarantine just to see chinese learning things¿¿ I don't know.

I got the app because in my searching of an old version of netflix (i can't use new netflix updates too) i thought that I could use tumblr in an old version too so i'm back for now.

School

I hate school shjshdjdh.

I'm in holy week vacation right now, so i'm not having homework to do. But it was difficult to not stress out with a lot of work to do.

It's like- in the time we were going to school we used to learn something in about 3 days in classes like Social studies, spanish (i'm not supposed to call it like that, but because it is our first language we call it "communication and language"¿¿), etc. And they were sending work to do for THE NEXT DAY. I barely remember what I saw the last week. I do remember math, english and science because two were sending explanations for the homework and science,,, just awful, really, really long if we have in mind that it was for the next day.

Before we got in quarantine, they gave us our grades, and I got 69 in science lol (i'm gonna talk about that in another blog) my grades were pretty meh, english was the higher note, and I got an "i" (for insufficient) in attitude, because I had a mental breakdown in front of the principal. She said it was a "trantum", I couldn't breath, for real, I was choking because I was hiperventilating AND SHE WAS JUST YELLING. My mum came to pick me up but I didn't left the school, and everybody thinks it was my fault.

I'm anxious 'cause if quarantine lasts to a longer time, I'll not be able to know what to do about getting in another school I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SCHOOL TO GO, i'm going to hang myself.

Sweetheart

I got a "girlfriend" and she's so sweet:(. We're not officially dating, but i've been waiting two years and she finally admitted that she likes me.

She's so sweet, she listens to me when i'm sad, and she wasn't angry when I was answering late her messages because of school. SHE EVEN ASKS ME TO TRY GO TO SLEEP, 'cause I can't sleep.

I love her so much, I can't even express it. But i'm so insecure, I don't want to make her feel insecure because of MY insecurities:(.

I can't sleep and that's why i'm in tumblr again.

It's currently 4:31am when i'm writing this, i can't sleep AGAIN. School fucked up my sleeping schedule (going to sleep at 9pm when I was going to school). This days i've been falling asleep between 1-3am. I don't know what happened this day but i'll be awake at least at 2pm.

Ah shit here we go again??

I spent 6 months eating like a pig and i'm thinking of purging AGAIN and I fucking hate it. I don't like it, but I feel so bad with my fucking fat body I don't know what to do i'm like-

And that's my update for now (day 25 of quarantine: april 8)

FUCK 10 FOR 5am I'M FUCKED

I'm-

What's the tea, sis

Everyone says I’m not fat but no one says I’m skinny, so what’s the tea?

I'm in mcdonald's and I'm surviving drinking grape-strawberry juice and Zero coke, here I go, 170 caloriesssssss and 0 at the same time

THANK YOU, CLASSMATE WHO KNOWS MY TUMBLR, LOVE OF MY LIFE WHO TOLD YOU TO LAUGH OF MY DISTURBING SITUATION *Translation* Me: Man, I'm scared:(, Many porn-dating spam tumblr follow me:(. Some tumblrs are of anas, but aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, I'm scared:( Classmate: *lAUGH ABOUT MY DISTURBING SITUATION* Me: DON'T LAUGH ABOUT MY MISFORTUNE SITUATIONS>:( Classmate: I'm sorry, I love you, but it maked me laugh I LOVE YOU BUT STOPPPP:(((((