Sadjapes - Japes

I ripped out years of trauma and pain then acted out and left everyone and everything while having mental health crises I can't even remember happening and at the end I don't find myself suicidal anymore. Just dealing with repressed anger and deep loneliness and PTSD and also regret for putting my feelings on others or trying to be friends with old friends or find a way to restore lost relationships. It's left me feeling estranged and like nobody is out there that can understand my POV. I never thought I would be alone without friends or unable to live on my own. Or that my abandonment issues would lead me down this road completely. I never thought I would fuck up so badly without meaning to to the point where I just feel like I would cause people guilt by association. But I've always felt like a burden. It was how I was raised and treated and still am to this day. Every day I deal with feeling inadequate in every capacity. I wish there was some sort of reprieve and I had a friend left. But most of all I miss my reputation. Schizophrenia is an all encompassing illness and it really ruins things for you. Ontop of that I feel like I most likely have undiagnosed borderline or bipolar even though I don't relate to cluster b personality types from everything I've read. But then there's times I don't think or even feel anything at all.

If only I could go back in time and get a redo.

I'm alone but maybe one day I won't be. After suffering from schizophrenia for 5 years and multiple hospitalizations and ruining all my friendships I hope I can find something or somebody to talk to and relate to. I hope one day I can do something with my art. I am scared and have been canceled before. I have made so many mistakes in life and left places feeling less than. But I hope it will be okay one day and the pain will go away.

“Don’t allow someone to treat you poorly just because you love them.”

— Unknown

“You never look good trying to make someone else look bad.”

— Unknown

“If I have learned anything over this last year it’s that you have to live your own life too so that if something we hoped for doesn’t work out, you still have two legs to stand on, you still have your own path.”

— T.S. Krupa