You Will Live And You Will Say The Wrong Things And Make Mistakes And People Will Love You Anyways.

Healing is also realizing you're going to have trauma reactions even after you decided to be healthy. That even after saying: "I want to heal, and rest, and I'm going to try to get better," you still let yourself reject help, struggle with trauma reactions, and unhealthy habits. That it's okay, and it's a part of healing. As long as you try to get better.

It's not going to happen immediately. If anything, at first, it's going to get way worse, horrible, even. And then better, and then bad again, and then you'll start getting relapses. And that's okay.

Relapse is a part of healing. Feeling all the bad stuff is a part of healing. Allowing yourself to be traumatized is a part of healing.

-host

33

I am going to see my dad today. He is still on the ventilator and probably will be for the next few days.

I am not ready to lose a parent.

I have hope that the hospital he’s at now can fix this. But I am still scared and overwhelmed.

how avpd might impair your ability to process information/cues when in social situations

avpd can cause hyper-vigilance

this means you are constantly scanning for danger

because you are constantly scanning for danger, you might pick up on incidental actions of others and reinterpret them as rejection (for example thinking everyone who laughs in your earshot, must be laughing at you, when it isn't the case*)

because you are constantly scanning for danger, your processing systems in the brain become flooded and overwhelmed

this means there are no capacities left to actually process the impulses in depth -> everything ends up being labeled a threat

only option left -> withdraw to a safer space with less impulses

alternative, if you don't withdraw: you are then left with a flood of vague sensations that you are not safe

if you are constantly scanning for danger, you are expecting dangerous social cues. this leads to a chance for misidentifying things, overthinking, etc...

as your anxiety goes up you become overwhelmed -> the capacity to process information goes down: a stressed brain is bad at thinking

in this anxious state, everything gets labeled a threat in a scattered way

fleeing environment confirms what you already think about yourself: "you're an anti-social weirdo who can't socialize" -> more shame and embarrassment

this makes you search for even more proof next time you're in a social situation

this cycle is self-perpetuating

🌀VICIOUS CIRCLE! 🌀

coping mechanisms like trying to calm yourself down by thinking about what you're have for lunch later, etc... might even make things worse, because you are not there in the moment, might appear absent-minded, scattered, which can lead to actual rejection or negative reactions from those around you.

this then confirms what you already think: "people hate you, etc..."

i took these notes while listening to this podcast: Avoidant Personality Disorder - Sensitive, Vigilant and Socially Anxious. i really liked the breakdown of the cognitive processes, because they perfectly map onto my behaviour. the podcast is for therapists by therapists and unfortunately didn't offer much in terms of what someone who is suffering with avpd can do, to counteract this. it was more about advice for therapists. however, it was still a great insight and i recommend giving it a listen. especially the first 35 or so minutes that offer different explanations for what causes avpd and how it shows up in people.

*just an addition here: those of us who have been through bullying know that sometimes people are actually laughing at you. if you've been through it before it obviously makes this worse imo. but still, people laughing now, are not laughing at us. especially strangers. and even if they are, it's important to have skills to deal with it and not let it worsen our mood, make us anxious, etc...

being like this and living with someone who doesn't understand is so hard.

@tinybuddha

Just say the weird thing!!! you will attract a crazy girl who wants to be your best friend.