My Car Got Stolen Today And I Had This Conversation With A Cop

sorry for not talking to anyone i am completely one hundred percent disconnected from this reality

currently thinking abt ted or whatever his name is

it's called duckweed. one hit and you'll be lining up behind mom

people are always like "Oh a vampire wouldn't get horny while drinking someone's blood, that's like getting horny while eating a sandwich" and like man have you never had a really good fucking sandwich?

what im thinking about at any given moment

(conspicuous boner in tight shorts wont subside, attempting to shift blame) yo who put this penis in my pants 

So January was 17 weeks long. And February is 3 and a half horrifying days. Do I have that right?

last night i dreamt tumblr added like a billion buttons to the mobile app so instead of this

we got this

and everyone just rolled with it but sometimes the wide naruto got too wide and blocked off all the other buttons and people would just post "got naruto'd again :/" and the only way to reset him was to log out and log back in