Latest Posts by ultxian - Page 5
as much as wei wuxian lacks any sense of self preservation and just like the bare minimum level of self worth required to value himself and his own safety/comfort I don't think he actually like. hates himself. at least not in the traditional sense
I often see him characterized in fanon as constantly and very Bluntly being like "oh I'm a bad bad man who doesn't deserve any love or affection" even tho that... doesn't really match his character? like the man obviously has self worth problems and values his life and comfort below literally everybody elses, often to a harmful and deadly degree, and the way he treats and thinks of himself is clearly by no means healthy, but I certainly don't think it manifests in the way people like to depict it where wei wuxian actively has these desperately tragic self depreciating thoughts that literally Spell Out his lack of self worth to himself
he spends So much time and effort really driving home the whole "I'm just an arrogant shameless genius" act and being in complete denial of any negative emotions he has that it would be incredibly out of character for wei wuxian to sit around thinking "oh I'm so terrible and I don't deserve love or kindness because I'm such an awful awful man" much less to Say That Outloud To A Loved One
wei wuxian KNOWS that he's talented. he KNOWS that he's a prodigy and a genius and near unmatched in his skill and, even after his resurrection when he's a little less arrogant and a little more humble, he certainly is not afraid to say as much to other people or to show off. he doesn't doubt his abilities or his charm or his cleverness, it's not even that he doesn't value them, he simply doesn't put Worth to any of it. he doesn't see himself as undeserving of love and kindness and affection, just Less deserving. anything else in the world is more deserving, above him and his desires and his comfort and his safety. he doesn't hate himself, doesn't even dislike himself, he simply doesn't care for himself
even when he accepts harsh punishment too quick and without protest, it's not a form of blatant self hatred or self harm, it's a manifestation of his feelings of not being worth the effort of being spared. it probably even comes from a place of valuing himself "Too Much". because wei wuxian is very talented and very smart and he is the very best at everything he does, so if somebody he places any value or trust in decides to punish him, well, then he really must have done something terrible ("at least I could be killed by you - that would be worth it" and all that) he simply has no affection or tenderness to give himself. that is not synonymous with hatred or even with apathy
wei wuxians lack of self worth does not manifest in self depreciating thoughts or monologues about how nobody can or should love him, because for as much as wei wuxian talks, he is a man of action
wei wuxian does not hate himself, but he will provoke wen chao and accept a beating and a night in a cell with grace if it keeps others safe. everyone else at the wen indoctrination camp remaining unharmed is worth one night of his blood and tears
wei wuxian does not hate himself, but he is so very prepared to let madam yu cut off his hand, so very prepared learn to use a sword with his left, if it will spare yunmeng. everything he loves and wants to protect is worth more than a hand, no matter how unfair that punishment may be
wei wuxian does not hate himself, but he will give jiang cheng his core. because jiang chengs happiness is worth more than everything he has dedicated his life to, everything he has spent countless hours becoming the very best at. to see jiang cheng smile again, to see jiang yanli stop worrying and simply be able to rest again, that is worth far more to him than anything a golden core could offer
wei wuxian does not hate himself, but he will let the world believe he has been cast from his family to spare them. wei wuxian does not hate himself, but he will not tell wen qing he is injured, because his blood is not worth her worry
wei wuxian does not hate himself, but when the wen remnants die for him, when jiang yanli perishes by his hand, however indirect, well. those losses and those crimes are far too heavy and far too abhorrent for his life to be worth anything in the wake of them
and wei wuxian does not hate himself, but he will let the world believe for a second time that he is a liar and a villain and a monster if that will spare even just lan wangjis name. wei wuxians reputation is worth far less to him than lan wangjis
wei wuxian does not hate himself, of course wei wuxian does not hate himself. he loves himself, actually. it's just that wei wuxian does not love himself back, and he certainly loves everybody else far more
My relationship with content creation and hobbies, in general, got a lot better when I started learning to reframe it as a simple act of human creation, and not a metric of my own self worth.
We’re taught competition, and perfectionism, and shame. If I say “I cook” I must add “(but not well)”. If I say “I run” I must say “(but I am not good at it).” I say “I code (but I mostly know frontend).” I create and express and my first impulse is to guard against embarrassment. Lest I fall so short of marketable competence. Lest I subject myself to the mockery of being caught creating poorly. I wound myself first so others may not.
Even the advice that fights against this says “your only goal should be to be better than yourself yesterday.” But why must I be in competition with her? What happens, after the initial rapid climb in skill, when I plateau? What of injury, and atrophy, and depression, that flake these skills away? Must I return feeling compelled to over-achieve? To wallow in embarrassment until I can surpass my own previous record? To hate my work until the reception, the notes, the engagement outperform an ever rising bar? I do not want to be paralyzed by the mountains I built behind me. Why should I look behind myself when there’s a wide swath of untilled Earth that stretches far out of sight ahead of me? I want to enjoy my work, and my mediocrity, moving forward with all its ebbs and flows.
At my worst, I was nothing. I was not a writer. Because I had forgone writing for all the fear and stress and damage to my self-worth that it wrought. I was not a coder. Because I was only useful for the niches of my job, and didn’t have the heart to create something badly, on my own, for fun, lest it confirm my suspicions of mediocrity. I was not even a runner - despite the extreme and exhaustive amount of time I sunk into it - because I fell short of my previous self, and I could not hold a candle to the actually-skilled runners, and I was forced to speak of this hobby in all those guarded terms - “but i am not good” - because of how much that ate at me.
I was no cook, and no homemaker, and no creator, because when I did those things, (I did them poorly.)
And when all these came together, I wallowed in emptinesses. (I still do, sometimes. It’s hard and complicated). Because emptiness is what was left when I stripped myself of the things and the pursuits whose lack of value could be used to hurt me.
The change for me - the change, I think - came at the time I started to recognize that I do not deserve self-punishment for my mediocrities, for the failings of my current state of being. It was not a revelation all at once. It was a slow and progressive flirting with the idea, found almost by accident on self-help youtube channels of a very particular ilk. It came with the recognition that I had trapped myself, wiling away my time and my energy, in a state of constant apology, and shame, and self-correction for the mediocrities I dare not unleash onto the world. I boxed myself up with the promise “once I am good enough, I will be allowed to come back out”, and that was a lie. I would never have come back out. I was chasing punishing metrics of self-improvement that I did not need, and would never actually catch and maintain, and which would never love me back.
It took a long time to internalize this. It took a long time to get angry on my own behalf. It took a long time to act on it, and write again because fuck you. To run on my own terms, at my own pace, for my own enjoyment because fuck you. To create with my hands again because fuck you. To lean into the happiness of creation that I had not “earned”, because fuck you.
I like creating because it fills an emptiness that used to be there. It’s so simple, and so lovely, that humans are like this. That we want to build with our hands. That we want to assemble and construct. That we derive joy from stacking pieces together, and stringing words together, and assembling colors on a page, and moving, and singing, and baking, and knitting. Humans love to build little worlds around them.
So why must we so actively try to cut people off from it off from it? Why do we condition ourselves to fear its mediocrity? Why does this still our hands? Why do we suffocate it for ourselves, before others can? I don’t have an answer. I can only recognize the monster.
I want to make bad art today. I want to make bad art tomorrow. If I am a worse writer tomorrow, I want that to be fine. If I am never more than a mediocre runner, I want to be at complete peace with that. Because if not, then I might box away my hobbies again, and my loves, and my pursuits. I might go back to empty. I might go back to nothing.
I hate that emptiness I lived through. I hate that nothing. I want to make bad art for the rest of my life.
do you ever think,,, that when lan wangji is just totally done™ with whatever cultivation drama or dumb people that is happening that day,, he just goes to his huge colony of bunnies to detox. he decides "this is it I'm about to lose it" and just leaves the situation looking very serious™ and everyone thinks he's gone to do something important. Really he walks calmly to his bunny horde and lays down in the middle of them all. Letting the bunnies to pile over him until he's drowning in soft fur.
fake dating to lovers is nice but married for non-romantic reasons to lovers is next fucking level
fever — purple & orange moodboard
i love that whenever wei wuxian gets accused of a crime his default defense is “i didnt do it because if i did i would have a done a better job”
a while back i read a post along the lines of “if you feel like everyone hates you, it’s time to rest… if you feel like you hate everyone else, it’s time to eat” and honest to god i’ve never used any piece of advice more than i have that one
gay ppl be like yea these are my comfort characters *literal ray of sunshine*, *murderer*, *war criminal*, *six feet under*
i’d like lwj to be friends with more women but his options are fairly limited. i can’t imagine him being actually close with jyl because they’re too polite to each other. even when lwj is used to wwx being wwx i think he would see wwx tease jyl and be Shocked Scandalised, wei ying how could you torment your sister who has never done anything wrong in her life ever. good siblings-in-law but idk about close friends. there’s wen qing, and they have mutual respect and also of course gay lesbian solidarity, but also top requirement for lwj having a friend like this, surely, is that he can potentially get a second opinion on Feelings instead of just doing internal suffering. which you cannot discuss with the mildly terrifying best friend of the subject of said feelings. mianmian is a great option but really she can’t be expected to befriend every sect heir who is bad at expressing themselves socially, surely one is enough
thinking about wwx growing lotuses in the burial mounds, and jc rebuilding lotus pier, and jzx making a lotus garden for jyl. thinking about the homesick children of lotus pier building new lotus piers wherever they are because they can’t go home to the one they grew up in. but it’s never the same because they aren’t together
oh this made my day
i like to think that one day lwj was worried baby sizhui was missing being around wwx and wq, because lwj isn’t anything like them, so he specifically went and found the most talkative disrespectful judgemental baby lan and was like please be friends with my son
i think it would be good if lwj quit being chief cultivator and let nhs take over. not for political or character reasons i just think it would be funny if cultivation society was like “oh thank goodness we don’t have that righteous hanguang-jun in charge anymore, we can get away with anything now” with exactly zero idea what they’re in for
the literal boogey man shows up at your house one day and is like “aww mianmian u named ur kid after ur old nickname” and your lovely wife is like “bro shut up” wyd
I've never met someone who disliked me for the right reasons. Only I know why you should dislike me and you're wrong
Episode 3
This fool. This idiot. This absolute buffoon. He has no idea what’s about to hit him. Savour this peace while you can, Lan Wangji. 9/10
Jiang clan shenanigans (Shenanijiangs) and Wei Wuxian daring to speak in his presence drag the ambient peace down. Is it fair that someone can be So Attractive and also So Annoying? It is Not Fair. 7.5/10
Breaking the rules is against the rules. The eyebrow slant is growing Dangerous. 4/10
The consternation is Real. Wei Wuxian has been told that breaking the rules is forbidden but he continues to break the rules??? How could anyone feel peaceful in a situation like this? Lan Wangji’s brow threatens to furrow. 3/10
On the surface you may think you see a man who is Completely Peaceful. Do Not Let Him Fool You! That little step back tells you everything you need to know. 3/10
Lan Xichen is a Gift and a Balm in these troubled times. Peacefulness regained, restored. All is right with the world. 8.5/10
Betrayal. Lan Xichen is a Betrayer. Let us speak no more of this. Flee into the night. 2.5/10
Why "doing something relaxing” does not help your anxiety
A lot of the time when people give advice intended to relieve anxiety, they suggest doing “relaxing” things like drawing, painting, knitting, taking a bubble bath, coloring in one of those zen coloring books, or watching glitter settle to the bottom of a jar.
This advice is always well-intentioned, and I’m not here to diss people who either give it or who benefit from it. But it has never, ever done shit for me, and this is because it goes about resolving anxiety in the completely wrong way.
THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO when suffering from anxiety is to do a “relaxing” thing that just enables your mind to dwell and obsess more on the thing that’s bothering you. You need to ESCAPE from the dwelling and the obsession in order to experience relief.
You can drive to a quiet farm, drive to the beach, drive to a park, or anywhere else, but as someone who has tried it all many, many times, trust me–it’s a waste of gas. You will just end up still sad and stressed, only with sand on your butt. You can’t physically escape your sadness. Your sadness is inside of you. To escape, you need to give your brain something to play with for a while until you can approach the issue with a healthier frame of mind.
People who have anxiety do not need more time to contemplate, because we will use it to contemplate how much we suck.
In fact, you could say that’s what anxiety is–hyper-contemplating. When we let our minds run free, they run straight into the thorn bushes. Our minds are already running, and they need to be controlled. They need to be given something to do, or they’ll destroy everything, just like an overactive husky dog ripping up all the furniture.
Therefore, I present to you:
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO WHEN ANXIOUS
–Go on a walk
–Watch a sunset, watch fish in an aquarium, watch glitter, etc.
–Go anywhere where the main activity is sitting and watching
–Draw, color, do anything that occupies the hands and not the mind
–Do yoga, jog, go fishing, or anything that lets you mentally drift
–Do literally ANYTHING that gives you great amounts of mental space to obsess and dwell on things.
THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHEN ANXIOUS:
–Do a crossword puzzle, Sudoku, or any other mind teaser game. Crosswords are the best.
–Write something. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. Write the Top 10 Best Restaurants in My City. Rank celebrities according to Best Smile. Write some dumb Legolas fanfiction and rip it up when you’re done. It’s not for publication, it’s a relief exercise that only you will see.
–Read something, watch TV, or watch a movie–as long as it’s engrossing. Don’t watch anything which you can run as background noise (like, off the top of my head, Say Yes to The Dress.) As weird as it seems, American Horror Story actually helps me a lot, because it sucks me in.
–Masturbate. Yes, I’m serious. Your mind has to concentrate on the mini-movie it’s running. It can’t run Sexy Titillating Things and All The Things That are Bothering Me at the same time. (…I hope. If it can, then…ignore this one.)
–Do math problems—literally, google “algebra problems worksheet” and solve them. If you haven’t done math since 7th grade this will really help you. I don’t mean with math, I mean with the anxiety.
–Play a game or a sport with someone that requires great mental concentration. Working with 5 people to get a ball over a net is a challenge which will require your brain to turn off the Sadness Channel.
–Play a video game, as long as it’s not something like candy crush or Tetris that’s mindless.
THINGS YOU SHOULD DO DURING PANIC ATTACKS ESPECIALLY:
–List the capitals of all the U.S. states
–List the capitals of all the European countries
–List all the shapes you can see. Or all the colors.
–List all the blonde celebrities you can think of.
–Pull up a random block of text and count all the As in it, or Es or whatever.
Now obviously, I am not a doctor. I am just an anxious person who has tried almost everything to help myself. I’ve finally realized that the stuff people recommend never works because this is a disorder that thrives on free time and free mental space. When I do the stuff I listed above, I can breathe again. And I hope it helps someone here too.
(Now this shouldn’t have to be said but if the “do nots” work for you then by all means do them. They’ve just never worked for me.)
Do you have someone in your heart?
do you ever see something that hurts you kinda but it's such a ??? stupid thing to be upset over ??? so you're just there like hm .
In case no one told you growing up
Bras last longer if you let them air dry. Don’t put them in the dryer.
If you have a problem with frizzy hair, don’t dry your hair with a towel. It makes the frizzies worse. (I recently read an article that said to use a t-shirt? I brush mine out and let it air dry.)
Whites wash best in hot water. Everything else can be in cold - save on your electricity bill.
You can kill 99.9% of germs in a sponge by putting it in the dishwasher for a cycle or by microwaving it for 2 min (be sure to make the sponge damp before microwaving and to put a cup half full of water in with it and please DO NOT squeeze the sponge until it has cooled off)
Airing out your room/house and letting sunlight in every so often can decrease the number of household pests like silverfish and ants.
Black underwear is best during your period as stains are less likely to be visible.
To save money, put aside 10% of each paycheck into a savings account. It’ll add up.
Unless your hair has something on/in it (like grease or mud or something), using conditioner first can actually be the better choice. The conditioner holds in the good oils that help you hair look sleek and beautiful, which shampoo would otherwise wash away.
Speaking of shampoo - if you have long hair, washing just the bits that touch your scalp is generally enough. The rest of your hair gets cleaned with just the run off from your scalp.
If you put a tampon in and it’s uncomfortable/you can feel it, you didn’t do it quite right. A properly placed tampon is virtually unnoticeable by the wearer.
Apply deodorant/antiperspirant a couple hours in advance of when you need it. This gives the product the chance to block your sweat glands. Using deodorant just before going somewhere where you’ll sweat (this means walking outside for people in high humidity places) results in your sweat washing the deodorant off and starkly limiting its usefulness.
After running the dryer, use the dryer sheet from that load to brush out the lint catch - it gets everything off in a fraction of the time it’ll take you to get it clean with your bare hands. Paper towels also work well.
Wash your face everyday, or as often as possible. Forget which brand of cleanser is best. Just washing your face everyday will guarantee you clearer skin. And do you best not to pop pimples, as tempting as the urge may be.
Fold laundry asap after taking it from the dryer to avoid wrinkles. This may seem obvious for dress shirts and silly for things like t-shirts, but you’ll notice the difference even then once your shirts stop looking like unfolded paper balls.
this is from last year
♡ 6 COLORING PSDS FOR KPOP CONTENT CREATORS ♡
hi my friends! lately, i'm feeling our content creator community has been going through some challenges. for me, coming across a new resource can get me excited & inspired, so i wanted to offer a resource of my own to all of you - i can't do much as a still-fairly-new cc, but i am sharing 6 of my fully adjustable, made-from-scratch colorings (original is in the circle, with PSD on the outside for each example). i hope they may provide some inspiration to someone here.
credit is not necessary, & adjust these as much as you want! however, if you find these useful, i'd love if you would reblog so other ccs may also be able to find them. and i'd really love it if you would send or tag me in your creations so i can see !
download here // details on each PSD under the cut // feel free to reach out if you have any questions!
I LOVE YOU (bright-1) is a vibrance-boosting PSD for brightly lit scenes. it utilizes gradient maps to tone done magentas while maintaining warmth.
FEVER (gentle-1) is a warming PSD that utilizes levels & exposure layers to boost contrast, best for under-saturated scenes.
MIKROKOSMOS (natural-1) is a contrast-boosting, basic PSD. nothing too fancy here - use as a base or on its own for a slight boost!
CLOVER (warm-1) is a low-contrast, warm tone PSD best for bright & cool-toned scenes. adjust the gradient map or remove it for other types of lightings.
PUMA (glow-1) is a warming & enriching PSD for those washed out, cool-toned scenes. gradient maps & levels add depth & contrast.
CINEMA (gentle-1) is a no-frills PSD similar to MIKROKOSMOS, but with lower contrast to give more versatility and a natural glow to your scene.
♡ 6 COLORING PSDS FOR KPOP CONTENT CREATORS ♡
hi my friends! lately, i'm feeling our content creator community has been going through some challenges. for me, coming across a new resource can get me excited & inspired, so i wanted to offer a resource of my own to all of you - i can't do much as a still-fairly-new cc, but i am sharing 6 of my fully adjustable, made-from-scratch colorings (original is in the circle, with PSD on the outside for each example). i hope they may provide some inspiration to someone here.
credit is not necessary, & adjust these as much as you want! however, if you find these useful, i'd love if you would reblog so other ccs may also be able to find them. and i'd really love it if you would send or tag me in your creations so i can see !
download here // details on each PSD under the cut // feel free to reach out if you have any questions!
I LOVE YOU (bright-1) is a vibrance-boosting PSD for brightly lit scenes. it utilizes gradient maps to tone done magentas while maintaining warmth.
FEVER (gentle-1) is a warming PSD that utilizes levels & exposure layers to boost contrast, best for under-saturated scenes.
MIKROKOSMOS (natural-1) is a contrast-boosting, basic PSD. nothing too fancy here - use as a base or on its own for a slight boost!
CLOVER (warm-1) is a low-contrast, warm tone PSD best for bright & cool-toned scenes. adjust the gradient map or remove it for other types of lightings.
PUMA (glow-1) is a warming & enriching PSD for those washed out, cool-toned scenes. gradient maps & levels add depth & contrast.
CINEMA (gentle-1) is a no-frills PSD similar to MIKROKOSMOS, but with lower contrast to give more versatility and a natural glow to your scene.
I wish anxiety wasn’t called anxiety because it makes it sound like I’m just mildly concerned and worried about things
do you think if I keep this "im gonna overwork myself so i don't have to think about my problems" thing going for enough time ill eventually be able to stop feeling entirely ಠಿ_ಠ
I made another quiz that will (hopefully) call you out, link in reblog!
Jiang Cheng + smiling
“MY CHILD IS COMPLETELY FINE-”
Your child’s comfort character is Wei Wuxian.
my advice to the kids is that they should fight people on the playground while they can still get away with it without legal consequences