So Do You Think There Was Like Maybe 3 Minutes Between Seeing Neil Irl For The First Time And Neil Opening

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Shhhhh the blorbos are sleepy

I think Andrew's desperation to live is a little overlooked in the fandom. It's not explicitly stated in the books, other than his SH scars, but I honestly think it is so important to understanding him and his motivations.

Did Andrew ever plan to live past graduation? Before Kevin came along and promised his life would have worth? Did he plan on disappearing when Aaron eventually walked away from him? Believing nobody would notice if he was gone?

He clung on purely for Aaron, to make sure Aaron had a bright future ahead and could go live without him. To make sure that Nicky could go back to Erik without worry.

Before Neil, Andrew didn't believe he had anything to live for. He made a very one sided deal with Kevin to find something, anything, to build his life around after graduation, believing his brother would leave him alone once again.

Because at the heart of it all, Andrew doesn't want to die. Not really.

Andrew has chronic depression and he is suicidal. He sits on the edges of roof tops to feel. He puts his life on the line again and again with little regard for his own safety. He makes promises that put him at a severe disadvantage.

His promises are what keeps him alive, what forces him to live. Dying would break his promise, and Andrew has suffered enough from broken promises.

He doesn't want to die. He wants to survive those who beat him down. He wants to move on. He wants to get better. He wants to live.

He just doesn't know how.

@exyandcigarettesmoke here’s some pictures of the books! let me know if you wanted to see anything else

ALL FOR THE GAME NEW BOOK SPOILERS BELOW

To Jean, the worst part about Evermore was his own physical limitations. Also, I gave him a duck tattoo for Elodie ♡

Of course Nicky will never clock Kevin as bisexual. Of course he never clocked andreil as queer. Of course he can't ever see the members of his own community.

As far as we know, Nicky's first time actually being in a big, queer community was the camp. I feel like people overlook this. He was raised catholic, and no matter how gay you turn and how much sinful sex you have, you're always going to be catholic. The hymns are embedded in your vocal cords. The wine flows through your veins. It's all he's ever known until it suddenly isn't.

I'm pretty sure that he grew up thinking that gay people were only this caricature, this nameless freak, like many of us did. Gay men always dress a certain way, they're annoying, loud, touchy, and lesbians are always disgusting and manly and smelly. This is what he was taught, and there's no indication that he ever grew *out* of this mindset.

Yes, I believe Nicky enjoys a lot of the things he does, but I also think he's portraying the part of who he thinks he *needs* to be. And everything outside of those boundaries is still new and unbelievable. He's still a child, and relatively new to being openly gay.

And he's so proud. He can't think of anyone being anything other than proud of what they are. Nicky sees things as very black and white (completely gay or straight as a rod, hatefucking or about to get married) and probably thinks that if you're not out and proud, you're working with internalized homophobia. He never wanted anything other than to be free, and he cannot even think about the fact that some people don't want that level of fanfare.

He expects anyone who's queer to immediately come and talk to him. He's trying so hard to be the safe, iconic gay that other people can look up to and latch onto. He thinks that the only thing stopping people from screaming their sexuality to the world is homophobia, therefore they would at least tell him.

He doesn't get that people (Andrew, Neil) might just want to keep things private, because, to him, privacy equals secrecy, secrecy equals shame, and, well, there's nothing to be ashamed of!

Or maybe I'm just rambling. Idk guys this is my hot take of the week or whatever

Every day. Every damn day I wake up and wonder how Wymack must have felt hearing Jean say, “Kevin never once doubted you’d take him in … I laughed at him. I’d never taken him for a dreamer.”

I wonder how he let that sink in, thought over and over again of his first interactions with the kid and rewriting his perceptions with the context that not only did Kevin know that was his dad, but that Kevin trusted him. Unquestionably, before Wymack even did anything, Kevin ran to him because he believed that Wymack was someone safe he could run to. I wonder if Wymack thought about “my father comes to all my games, that is enough” knowing that Kevin truly meant it, maybe always has.

I wonder how Wymack felt then, when later, much much later, that broken boy who laughed at his son for believing in a father he never met calls him out of the blue. When, before Wymack could even get a single word in, begs him, voice wet and desperate why did you take him in?

I wonder how Wymack felt after the phone call ends. Hearing Josten, arguably his most distrustful kid, telling him “I’ve got him coach” and then hanging up the phone, and wondering if Rhemmen has enough strength to watch Jean eventually get to a place similar to where Neil’s at now. To finally learn, slowly but surely, how to trust. I wonder if that made him appreciate Kevin’s trust all the more.

just… I wonder

he told betsy to go ahead with using any information from their sessions if it made jean feel even slightly comfortable. he asked someone he hadn't spoken to properly in years to make space for jean to heal. he held jean's hand. he held jean's face. he left the room without argument when jean asked him to. he knew jean liked some of the trojans. he grounded jean's mind when he was slipping. he locked himself in a room in distress when he thought jean was dead. he agreed to do an interview with jean knowing the comments they would have to face. he asked if jean would teach him french when riko wasn't looking. he wrote jean messages at the back of postcards. he got jean a little bear magnet, among many others. he made jean promise not to take his life. he told jean he didn't want to lose him.

Ill never forgive the aftg fandom for saying aftg is poorly written but loveable. it is so fucking well written. The characters are all interesting individually and as group dynamics. The plot is unexpected but always makes sense. Theres so many incredible 1 liners said. Theres humour. Theres heartfelt love. Theres angst. You can cry and you can laugh and you can get invested. Nora made characters with actual fucking personalities instead of just catalysts for neil's story. She did this so well she was able to take 2 minor characters and give them an entire sequel.

still to this day thinking about neil, who had to be forgettable to survive, and andrew, with a photographic memory