Depression - Blog Posts

Me: I am so mentally ill...

My boyfriend next to me: I know, baby. It'll be okay.

Me, having only been halfway through my sentence and slowly grabbing a container of mini oreos: ...but this will cure me...

Water doesnt behave like it should

It sticks to itself

Somehow its wet

The river cries

I wipe away its tears

Rinse it out of my clothes

Why try not to get wet

When its always raining?

Just have a smoke with me

With whatevers ashes left

Love Wind

I'm so afraid. I can hardly stand. My legs shiver, like im gonna pee blood. But nothing comes out, not even anything. The meds are surpressing what they are supposed to, i am not doing okay but im doing fine.

Im free.

Free to the world and to the winds of love, I fucking hate wearing underwear when i wear a dress. I fucking hate adult clothes, id rather have a blanket or a robe. I'd rather you just not look at me at all if you dont like me. I want you to worship me, and in turn ill give you everything i have left. Id kiss you but my mouth is so dry, spironolactone. Im spirling, i want to be null, i want you to act like you cant live without me and take me without me having to ask.

Id tell you I love you but im tone deaf, I cant hear my own thoughts over the depression and sadness. Just fuck it out of me. Make me regret taking you in my mouth. Make me atone for my sins and I'll call you daddy, because your my only daddy problem.

Your brain is sick. The meds you are on are not fixing it completley, even if they are helping. Good words and affirmations cant fix it all either. Art and sharing cannot fix it all either. Love and intimacy and sex cant fix it all either. All these little pieces have been enough to at least keep going. You hope everyday that things will get better, and that hasnt gone away forever either.

I like to take a step back occassionally and review things as logically as I can and ground myself. I'd encourage others to do the same.

Thoughts on Serial Experiments Lain

The show exists for me in a very nostalgic place. It makes me think about what the meaning of Nostalgia is to begin with. When I looked up the definition on Merrium Webster it was something to the effect of melancoly and overly sentimental longing for the past. More bizzare the American Heritage Foundation said it may be fatal in one of their definitons. Apparently it used to be an actual diagnosis. It's interesting to me to distinguish what i think a word means, and then learn what it really means through its history. Lain longs for a home in her humanity, though it never really existed at all. What was once an illusive almost supernatural world full of meaning lost its meaning as she drove herself deeper and deeper into the wired. Her connection to home grew more and more painful as reality dissappeared and she still hung onto what reality used to mean. It's a lot like how we today become dissallusioned with life as we spend all day online, constantly connected to dozens of platforms and screens of different kinds. The technology might look more obviously bizzare and disturbing in Lain with the tubes and wires and buzzing but our own world I think provokes the same emotion if you ground yourself to reality. The problem is i think searching for something that was never real. I think for a moment Lain let those walls down with that final hug.

I wrote and published my book. This book is very important to me. I never thought I’d live this long to write and publish a book. That’s all.

This is one of the memes I’ve made about my first book.

Meihem Depression

Roadhog: Hey, Jamie. You ok?

Junkrat: Yeah I’m fine. I’m just feeling tired, super sleepy, very hungry and I think that life if pointless.

Mei: Ever since Dad76 scolded him about his bombs, his self-esteem has hit rock-bottom.

Mei: He’s always sad and sweaty. He’s usually happy and sweaty.

You wanna know what it's like?

Depression is like having a million Dementors following you everywhere, and no simple Patronus charm can get rid of them. They'll always be back.

Having a panic attack is like getting stung by a thousand Tracker Jackers, but no matter what you think, you won't die. You never do.

Having Social Anxiety is like being forced to go through your Fear Landscape, every day, for your entire life.

I can never explain what is happening in my mind

nobody talks about the fact that you can have all this crazy shit in your head, and want to open up and talk about your feelings but no matter what, you just can't make out the right words and properly put your thoughts and emotions into words

RADIO SILENCE

wandaxreader (relationship) yelenaxreader + natxreader (siblings)

reader uses they/them pronouns

Warnings - angst angst and a sprinkle of angst

another silly little one shot no one asked for. For this one I took inspiration from that one episode of b99 where Rosa is on duty at an active shooting. Pre warning I did write this at 4am, my body was running on nicotine and coffee so please forgive me if this is bad <3

🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫

Wanda’s pov - 9am - Avengers Tower

🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫

I stare at the clock as it slowly but surely moves, both arms moving but never seeming to meet each other, I look back to the time it displays, a tired yawn escapes my body. The meeting has only been going on for 20 minutes. Thing is I wouldn’t have been this tired if Y/N wasn’t put on early morning patrol duty. It’s normally the younger avengers who get forced to patrol the streets of NewYork on the mornings as all they have to do is stop a few robbers or help some old grandmother across the busy streets and even if there happened to be an avengers level threat they had their radio to call for backup. It was supposed to be Peter on duty today. But the little pesky bug boy decided he would much rather see to his aunt and her boyfriends anniversary plans than do what he is being payed for. The rest of the young avengers are at school, on Y/N’s request of course.

“Hey Sabrina you listening?” Tony interrupts my train of thought, I look up and see him and a few other staring at me “yeah sorry” I say with a gentle smile as they carry on their meeting.

Where was I? Oh yes my partner. My stupid adorable partner. They being the trouper that they are told Peter that they would happily take his shift on patrol, in which meaning them waking up at 4:30am, also meaning they woke me up as they being the clumsy person they are tripped over their own suit in their tired state, making suck a racket. Anyway that lead me to where we are now. Tired. Groggy and in a meeting. Thanks y/n.

After another half an hour of listening to absolutely everything. Sorry nothing of what Tony just rambled on about, Fury came rushing in with Maria. They looked broken. “Rogers, radio stat” Fury demanded as he pointed at the star spangled man. Steve being the perfect solider he is, he turned on and placed his radio on the desk for everyone to hear.

the small box crackles and squeals before a voice comes on “BREAKING NEWS!. I’m NewYork a shooting has occurred, all we know as yet is that the shooter is active and still on the scene. The shooting started at around 8am and is taking place at the american museum of natural history. The shooter is said to be armed with space tech. Anyone near the museum must evacuate and stay as far away as possible.” the radio then crackles and goes silent again. “and where is this museum?” Clint asks “upper west side” Bruce says without missing a beat. Looking around the room to see what the game plan is I see Nat’s face go sickeningly pale. “upper west side?” She asks, her voice cracking a little. I look at my future sister in law and it hits me. Yelena and Y/N. They both took their duty on upper west side an hour ago due to some reports of a commotion in some boring museum.

Fiddling with one of the radios, Clint manages to get connected to a police hotline, we can now hear if there is any updates on what shield agents are in the building. “Okay now agents of the shield facility I need anyone who is still standing to read their badge numbers” an officer says with a hint of boredom in his voice. Nat comes over to sit closer to me, everyone’s attention now glued to the tiny radio on the table. This meeting not being so boring anymore. “Agent104” some man says “agent233” another woman says, the list goes on for a few minutes until we hear a Russian accent, me and Nat lean forward in our chairs praying for either yelena or y/n or even just one of the twins. To everyone’s relief it was yelenas voice coming through “agents 443 and 444” she said. A big sigh is released as the twins are alive. But for how long? “We will be asking for hourly updates agents. If anyone is to come into contact with the shooter, do not touch the gun” the officer on the other end says with a hint of urgency.

Nat stands up first “we need to go help them” she pleas. “Negative, we stay here as ordered” Fury says as he leaves the room. Shaking her head Nat goes to the doorway and gets agitated “no Nick, both of my siblings are in there. You don’t tell me to follow orders” she snaps a little “Actually Romanoff, we need to stay here in case of an emergency, the avengers tower is open to the public who are in need of medical assistance.” Fury counteracts with his statement, he does have a point, however my partner and their sister are in that building. “we are to stay in this room and hope for the best. Understood?” He says his final warning before leaving the room.

Four long suffocating hours go by, none of us had left the meeting room. The radio went off every hour, agents would call their badge number into their radio, every hour there would be less and less calling their number. Meaning more and more casualties had occurred. Yelena and y/n hadn’t missed one calling yet. The team where getting bored by now, me and Nat pacing the room, everyone had enough. “That’s it. Both of you go to Y/N’s room and find something to keep yourself busy with. Now and stay there” Thor said, loudly and firmly, not taking no for an answer, me and Nat left the meeting room, making a quick entrance to Y/N’s room, their pink guitar laid on the bed from the previous night where they had sang to me, looking around nat sighed, she started to move stuff and clean.

An hour later there was a knock on the door, it opened as it was motion censored, Yelena stood in the doorway, swear covering her small face, Nat ran over to greet her younger sister, she engulfed her in a bone crushing hug. But where was the identical face that matched Yelena’s? “Lena oh my god never leave me again please” Nat says before looking back up, breaking the hug and going to move yelena aside to get to her other sibling, upon doing this she realised the worst. Y/n wasnt stood there with their arms open ready to be squeezed to death by their older sister. “Lena..where are they?” Nat asked urgently, praying that her sibling was just at med bay for another stupid reason as they always where. Yelena shrugged, her head lowered, eyes watery. “I-i don’t know Tasha, they told me to run ahead and that they would distract the bad guys and be right with me but when I got here they weren’t there” yelena sobbed, her words barely translatable. Nat guides us all to the bed, there was not one dry eye in the room as we all sobbed mourning the perfectly stupid person we all loved. To keep our minds off of whatever or wherever y/n had been, Nat told us to help her replace Y/N’s guitar strings as they hadn’t gotten around to doing it themselves.

An hour later, I give up “this is fucking useless Nat none of us know how to do this, we are just fucking it up the more we try.” I snap “the love of my life is out there in that stupid fucking museum and I don’t even know if they are dead or alive, I can’t feel them, I love them so much” I sob

“Jesus I mean I love you too but the crying..dramatic as fuck cara mia” I hear a voice behind me say, the voice is raspy and low. I look at Nat and yelena, they look shocked, I spin around and run to tackle the person. My person. “Oh my god Y/N”

please send me some requests over I beg of y’all, im dying here

Inbox ideas 🙏🏽

INCORRECT QUOTES

*Wednesday talking to her partner (reader) who suffers from suicidal thoughts/tendencies*

W : “question. would you die for me?”

Y/N : “yes”

W : “that’s too easy…would you…would you live for me? Hm?”

why orange?

part one

part two

“carol have you seen….carol what the hell” I hear the dark haired witches voice come out from behind me and the blonde who are comfortably sat down on the balcony, cigarettes lit in our hands. “Hey no, no give me that” the lit cigarette is snatched out of my hand by Wanda as she scolds carol. Carol quickly moves to put her own cigarette out with a quick apology to the younger woman. Carol makes a run for it, while Wanda’s gaze is on me. I stay frozen in place for a few seconds, a bit flabbergasted that she actually just put my cigarette out and is now scolding me as if I am a child. “im 18 you know?” I say quietly, breaking the piercing silence shared between us both. A sigh comes from Wanda as she holds her hand out for me “the others wanted to know if you wanted to join us for a movie? It’ll just be us, Carol and Natasha, Pietro went out” she pleads with me, taking it that I will be spending time with them anyway I slowly nod, taking her hand as she pulls me up to my feet, her hands are cold but not the uncomfortable kind, the kind where you want to hold them forever as yours warms them up. That kind of cold. “we should go before natasha gaslights carol into watching Moonraker again” she says with a small chuckle giving me the impression of that movie being over played in this house.

me and Wanda walk into the small living room, a comfy sofa is pushed against the wall of the room, below it is a makeshift bed with blankets and pillows sprawled out across the floor. I smile getting memories of the times me and my closest friends would bunk out on my ex’s floor on nights out when we were too young to drink or get home to face the wrath of our parents. I smile a little and sit on the floor not giving the comfy sofa a second thought. Wanda smiles a little, noticing my willingness to always be sat on the floor. She sits next to me, throwing a blanket over us, I grab a pillow from behind me and pull it to my chest, bringing my knees up to my chest too. Just as I do this, Nat and Carol walk in laughing about something, Nat notices me first and smiles sadly. “you comfy there?” She says knowingly as I nod “you remind me of my sister, she does that too” she states as she gestures to my position, to this I smile a little.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Carol struggling to carry some DVDs, she sits on the sofa behind me before placing the DVDs between me and the witch. Nat sits behind Wanda and scans over the DVDs. Wanda quickly picks up a series, ‘skins’ i laugh recognising the tv show as the three other women look confused “you know this?” Natasha asks as I nod. The three women look at me blankly “what? Oh my god! You guys have never heard of skins?” I say looking at them all shocked. I shake my head as Wanda puts the disc in the tv.

after a few hours of watching the show, Wanda has her arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer, Carol is playing with my hair as Natasha has now plaited Wanda’s hair into braids, Carol tucks my hair behind my ear and Wanda looks over and tilts her head, she leans closer and caresses behind my right ear with her thumb “oh my god you have tattoos?” She says exited, I look at her confused. “yeah, it’s not that big of a deal” i state nonchalantly, the show now far forgotten.

Me and Wanda now sit facing carol and Nat, Carol shows off her army tattoos, one of them being a name. “Rambeau?” I ask gesturing to the one tattoo she left out “my uh friend, she died of cancer during the blip” she states “sorry” i mutter noticing how she put off talking about it “okay little rebel” Natasha grabs everyone’s attention “what’s that one on your arm, not the sleeve the small one?” She nods to my left wrist. An orange semicolon. I look up at her “the semicolon?” I say unsure if she meant that, she nods in conformation. “i..uhm so it means like I won’t end my life because a semicolon is a continuation and not a stop” i state with a bit of trouble as the three women stare at me intrigued. “why orange?” carol asks “it was my uncle’s favourite colour. But also because of a song” I nod while rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly “something in the orange tells me we’re not done?” Wanda asks. I look over surprised she understood the reference.

COPING MECHANISMS

part two of ‘tears over beers'

you put too much effort into relationships and the girl you genuinely had feelings for broke your heart, even now after knowing about what she done, your friends still choose her over you.because of this you relapsed and lost yourself again.until one night three women find you in the woods about to take your life.

TRIGGER WARNING

self harm, suicide attempt, alcoholism, drug use, swearing, past relationship trauma, eating disorder, body dysphoria. (totally not writing just to vent..yes that's exactly what im doing)

Y/N’s pov <3

the next thing I know I am being gently rocked by an avenger.. a fucking avenger. I look up at her as the other two women stand up, brushing the mud off their clothing, and much to my dismay my headphones are took off of my ears and put around my neck, the music still blaring through.

The blonde one who I am assuming by the space cadet uniform is captain marvel states that she is going to make a phone call, the brunette haired girl, the red haired woman, the black widow nods at her colleague to do so as she looks down at me with pity. As Wanda Maximoff sits with her arms around me in a comforting manner as she holds a piece of cloth on my bloody arm.

“how did this happen, did someone attack you?” The former black widow questioned bluntly.

“Natasha stop.” Wanda says from behind me, her breath cold against my warm neck. the widows face stays the same blank stare as her gaze is glued to my arm.

the leaves from the autumn ground crunch as carol walks back over to us “Pietro said to take her back to the safe house” my eyes widen as I start to panic about being taken away for what I’ve done to myself, Wanda is a mind reader, by now she definitely knows I done this to myself. Natasha starts to grab all my stuff, throwing it into my backpack as Wanda helps me off the dusty floor.

“Can you do me a favour and hold this cloth to your arm, just until we get to the safe house so I can properly clean it?” Wanda asks with a sad smile “and while I clean it we can talk about it yes?” I silently nod, secretly knowing I will not be telling her anything.

“Cmon Wanda, stop wasting time” Natasha says as she grabs me by the shoulder and shoves me forward to walk. To this I try to run for it, at the same time, Wanda having already read my thoughts lifted one hand in the air and with red wisps of magic she whispers a meek “sorry detka” before putting me to sleep

-

my body shoots up from its sleeping state, I run my hands up and down my face in attempt to make sense of what happened. Upon removing my hands from my face I am faced with a new surrounding. A one I’ve never seen before. This makes me panic, I shoot out of the bed only to notice I’m not in my own clothing, I now sport a beige shirt and grey joggers bottoms. I walk out of the room to see a living room, the blonde and the redhead from earlier are playing some bored game on the table whilst a blonde haired man is sat on the sofa playing over watch on the Xbox, the first person to notice my presence is Wanda who walks over with a bottle of water, extending her arm out for me to take said water, I take it and thank her by nodding my head. “Where are we?” I say, voice groggy from whatever spell Wanda cast upon me, “come on, let’s go sit down and I’ll explain it to you love” Wanda states calmly as she guides me back to the room I woke up in. Upon sitting on the bed with Wanda I feel myself calm down. “oh shoot, wait here I forgot something” she says with a little bit of a sad smile as she runs out of the room, returning seconds later with a first aid box. She sits on the bed, throwing the box in between the both of us, she then opens it, grabbing the bandage “can I have your arm please” she says calmly. I slowly put my arm out for her to grab, she grabs a sterile wipe before gently patting the blood off my arm, whispering soft nothings into my ear as i whimper and whine about the pain, she eventually stops and water is now pouring from my eyes, she wipes the tears from my cheeks with her thumb “we’re nearly done now” she then grabs the bandage she got out before, she throws out the packaging and wraps my arm.

after being bandaged up and being allowed permission to go outside by carol, I sit on the balcony of the fancy safe house, I pull out a box of cigarettes, lighting them, taking a lot of draws from the tiny ‘cancer stick’ as my best friend would call it. I think back to days before. Me and my new friend group smoking in the smoking shelters of college, them comforting me silently as they continue to have their normal conversations while I tag along. Being broken out of my thoughts I feel a presence behind me “those will kill you” she says “so?” I blankly state back to her, not moving to look at her, she sits next to me. “I’m Carol” she states “I know the space cadet, yes?” I say with a hint of sarcasm in my voice, to this she laughs. Me and Carol sit on the balcony for a few hours, she seems cool but that doesn’t mean my walls will go down for her. Or anyone.

Hiiiiii guys, this is a part two,, suggested by @natashaswife4125 thankyou for asking for another part,, I hope this is good <3

- im not okay man -

Wanda x Female reader

Y/N’s POV the whole story

hey guys im writing this for all the people who aren’t doing good and feel a bit shitty atm.

Your close friend, Wanda has been living at Clint’s safe house for over a year, you two talk on the phone every once and a while but it’s not the same. One day you tell her your not doing so good mentally, she makes it her mission to try be there for you.

——————————————————

You’ve been an avenger for 4 years, however, it wasn’t as good as it was wrote out to be. All the hiding out and the memories of every person you kill. The ptsd really started to affect you after a while.

PTSD turned into anxiety which then turned to depression and much more. Even though your struggling, you cannot tell the other avengers that and the only person you could tell was hidden away somewhere and could only grant you a single phone call a day for their safety.

———

You lay upon your bed, staring at the grey ceiling of your small bedroom. You had nothing to do, no one to see. I mean it’s not like you would’ve actually made the effort to go see someone anyway.

It was nearing 1pm and you’ve not received your FaceTime from the overly happy witch today.

After what seems like an hour in your head you decide to shut your eyes and think about all the good things in life. But she had other plans. As soon as you closed your eyes your phone started buzzing. A sound you have grown so fond of over this year.

Your eyes shoot open and you click the little green phone button, answering.

“Hey y/n/n” she says in a optimistic voice. She is mesmerising as the call shows her walking next to the lake you’ve seen dozens of times during your calls with Wanda.

“Hey, you remembered” you say in a sarcastic voice. Of course she remembered, you guys call every day.

she chuckles “oh shut up, hey show me your face I miss your ugly mug” she says in a half serious tone, making you laugh a little while you lift your phone showing her your face, she frowns a little.

“what’s wrong?” She says while tilting her head “if Natasha is bothering you agai..”

“no Wanda it’s not Nat, i..I’m just not doing so good” I quickly interrupt her Natasha rant.

“Oh are you sick or is it the depression again?” She quips back in an understanding, gentle voice.

“uh yeah it’s the depression. I feel like it was a bad idea choosing to become an avenger and I just don’t think I can cope with this anymore. I’m just. Idk I’m not okay man” i say while placing my phone on my desk, pushing it against a half full cab of monster that has been there for a couple of days, I sit up to look at my phone.

“it’s okay, hopefully you can hang on long enough for me to come back and actually get to make Paprikash for you” she smirks while sitting down on the pier of the lake. “Hey I’ve got the go but call tomorrow?” She says quickly with a grin.

“sure, tell Nathaniel I said hi” I smile sadly as she ends the call, groaning I decide to try preoccupy myself for the rest of the day, around 4 in the morning I decide to call it a day and try sleep.

———-

I wake up to knocking on my door, I groan, rolling onto my side to tap my phone to life. I wait for my eyes to adjust to the brightness when it shows the screensaver of me and Wanda along with the time showing 11am.

Knock knock knock

The person knocks again, I let out another groan while standing up and opening the door.

“what can I do for yo..”

Warm arms wrap around my waist as whoever it is pulls my head into their chest, holding me close to them like I would fade away if their my let go.

I melt into the hug, realising how much I needed this comfort.

That’s when I realised the scent of the person, it’s her signature perfume. Thinking it’s some sick joke I pull back just to see it was real, Wanda stands in front of me, here in the compound. Not at some lake. Here. In my room.

“surprise” she says quietly as I fall back into her arms.

5 Stages of Good Omens

Season 2 Episode 6

Denial

“No. Good Omens season 2 ended at episode 5.”

Anger

“WHY?! They were perfect together! It doesn’t make sense!”

Bargaining

“If only they had gone off to Alpha Centauri together. They would’ve been together forever.”

Depression

“(ugly sobbing) They were too perfect for everything, for all the other angels and demons, for this world and cruel heaven and hell. They were so perfect for each other, but now they are no longer together! (ugly sobbing continues)”

Acceptance

Not available. 404 Not Found.

What happened after the part 4,2 events with Tim :D and sorry its very messy i made it in school.

i wish people understood how much it hurts to lose memories so quickly

nothing makes failure hurt more when it is genuinely all your fault.

could've sorted it. did i? no. am i allowed to whine about it? also no.

because i didn't do jack shit to stop it.

nobody talks about how hard it is to exist in social isolation.

i forgot that it's normal to have a friendship group.

i forgot that it's normal to be invited to things.

i forgot that it's normal to leave the house.

i hope that people with friends never take that for granted because some of us don't have that and it fucking sucks.

"just be yourself" small problem i don't know who that is

mental illness is supposed to be mental wtf is this aching pit in my chest

i know anxiety and menstruation are used to dismiss many people's health problems but my god it makes it so fucking invalidating to exist as someone whose problems are genuinely caused by those things

my mental health problems are caused by my menstrual cycle. they're disabling and disastrous.

my anxiety is disabling, i cannot leave the house.

my anxiety was the cause of my chronic fatigue.

anxiety and periods are real, valid causes of suffering. we need to stop dismissing that. just because your problems might be caused by other conditions doesn't make problems caused by "just anxiety" any less painful to deal with.

It's tough when you reach out to everybody for help and not a single soul cares to be there for you.

It's school time. My endorphins have swam off, my melatonin has become too mellow for its own good, and my dopamine is smoking dope in the corner.

- Me 2020

When will appear the day where I am finally ready to open my eyes? Stop hiding from days, months, years which I apologize with "Today is just one of the other kind"

Where I will stop dividing days into "this kind" and "good kind"

Where I won't fear falling asleep because of how terrifying it feels waking up and living without changes

Where driving home won't feel like an obstacle I can't overcome but end up panicking every Sunday all over it again

Where I am ready to open my eyes and perceive the colors of the world swallow them and start to see what I am missing by holding my eyes closed

I am tired

of the numb feeling

of tiredness

which drugs

my mind

until I feel

nothing

numbness became a second skin my brain seems quiet yet too loud in its silence and wherever I am there is nowhere to be my heart is trapped inside of my mind thoughts float  heavy through my veins exchange my blood with what is left to survive the night the day the losing in between

a name

There is a fragile beauty  in the way you are gone There is an absurd pleasure in the way you left There is a broken soul who used to find peace  with you And there is an empty voice which used to sing your name like a song to the stars

It is funny how things change How your name lies strangely on the tip of my tongue  How I absorb every single letter to find the hidden secret to why your name was so familiar once like a soulmate to mine but now fades away with your face and the peace it promised 

But I can’t stop I can’t stop repeating your name every night like a goodnight story  to scare the ghosts inside my chest and your spirit which stayed and still dances under the moonlight I still scream your name in my head until it feels like you again