Journal - Blog Posts
october 30, 2024
years. years have been taken off of my life today. the fear invoked in me shall linger for the rest of my days.
october 29, 2024
pure bliss is a high i never want to be sober of. i feel on top of the earth my feet have always been glued to. this must be that freedom the wanderers speak of.
october 28, 2024
i want to scream. i shall only halt when the windows rupture from their sills and the floor begins to shake. only then will i be able to go about my day.
october 27, 2024
i wish this momentary calm could find the courage to last for the entirety of my life. but the war in my brain scares it away.
october 26, 2024
if there is one thing on this earth i can depend upon. it is my uncle, who loves me more than i love my own flesh and bones.
october 25, 2024
the only wish of mine before i walk alongside death, is for the ink from my pen to sink into a single soul and take root.
october 24, 2024
i feel so loved for a mere second, then it is ripped away by fake niceties. i only wish that the prophecy could be rewritten so that a single soul is obsessed with mine.
october 23, 2024
death’s hand fits so perfectly in my palm. no wonder my mind is attacking me.
october 22, 2024
i never knew the concept of forgiveness would be so hard to grasp. but now i know that i can hold a grudge like a child. and in that melodrama i am proud.
october 21, 2024
though i am surrounded by hundreds of people each day, i feel so completely isolated from the outside world. someone bigger must’ve put me in a jar in failing effort to save me.
october 20, 2024
i feel this bone aching sadness. it lingers in my muscles and flows through my blood. if i knew bleeding would stop it, i would volunteer to bleed out.
october 19, 2024
to have gone through all of this, and to be as soft as i am, is truly a tragic delicacy. but still people perceive me as naive. i suppose they are no longer supportive of kindness.
one of my vienna travel journal entries
🌠 Different questions to think about (quarantine's edition) 💫
You can try answering 2-3 questions per day, for example when you may feel bored, sad or negative :)
🌻🦋
1. How are you feeling right now in 3 words?
2. What was the most interesting thing you did yesterday?
3. Do you have a pet? If not, what pet would you like to adopt?
4. If you were a kind of music (pop, rock etc.), what would you be?
5. If you could levitate, how high would you want to be?
6. What is something on you that you find annoying and that you would try to work on?
7. Milk and honey or chocolate and syrup?
8. What superpower would you like to have? (You can choose any power)
9. What advice would you give to your younger self and what advice would your younger self give to you?
10. What is your favourite scent and flavour?
11. What color you would never paint your house? Why?
12. What is your favourite book? Why? If you're not into books, take a book from your space, open a random page and read the first sentence that you see. What are your thoughts on what you just read?
13. Why do we tend to say that dogs are loyal and cats are more independent? Does this mean that cats can't be good pets?
14. Have you ever tried a weird food? What did it taste like?
15. What is the craziest thing that you can imagine right now?
16. Can you associate black color to something happy (that happened to you)?
17. What is a problem that COVID-19 will bring to you and the world? How can you/we get through it?
18. Do you have a crush on someone? Or maybe, you are in love? What is one thing you like on that person? (It can be anything)
19. What is your favourite zodiac sign based on your experience? Why?
20. What is one good thing that COVID-19 will bring to you and the world? What are your thoughts on this?
21. If a fish and a bird met, what would one say to the other?
22. What was the last dream you had?
23. What is the best advice someone gave you lately?
24. What are 4 things you feel grateful for? Why?
25. What do you like to do when nobody's watching?
26. If things were different and you had enough courage and money, what would you like to do to be happier?
27. What is one thing on you that you're proud of? Can you think of another one?
28. If you were a butterfly, would you be one of the orange ones, the blue ones, or the little white ones?
29. Are you feeling anxious right now? Can you think of the reason why? Can you draw it, write it or record singing/talking about it? Can you make the anxious thought look like a funny one?
30. In how many years will you turn 30 years old? What are your emotions about it? What are the things you'd like to do before 30? If you're 30 or above, did you experience any spiritual change during that time?
31. Do you eat meat? Why? Have you ever searched about how meat consumption and environment are connected? How do you feel about the environment in general? If you could have a conversation with planet Earth, what would you talk about? Do you have a favorite continent?
32. Is there any way to know everything? Why do so many people want to have knowledge about anything?
33. Do you prefer knowing a little something from many subjects, or to know almost everything about one subject?
34. Caramels, biscuits or soft candies?
35. Who is your favorite celebrity? Why?
36. If you could be anywhere in the world right now where would it be? Describe that place. What feelings does it give to you?
37. Mountains, sea, or plain?
38. What is one thing that you and your mom/dad/sibling/family member/friend have in common?
39. In your fantasy, how can you connect a boat and a candle? A rose and rain? Dust and light? Stress and happiness? Cereal and a laugh? Sweat and pleasure? Waves and winter?
40. What is your sexual orientation? What is something you like on the female body? What is something you like on the masculine body? What is something in a body that you consider as gender-neutral?
41. Are there really genders in colors and body language?
42. Do you like the taste of lemon?
43. What color(s) is freedom? How would you draw it? Does it have a sound, a sensation, a taste or a smell?
45. Who are the first people that come in your mind when you hear of the words: love, lust, intimacy? What is your relationship with them?
46. What is your favorite holiday? Why?
47. When you're moody, what songs do you listen to? Open a window or go to your balcony/yard if you have one. What can you hear? Now record with your phone. What sounds does it catch that you didn't? Why did that happen?
48. How do clouds taste in the daylight and how in a rainy day?
49. What is one random but interesting thing you learned today?
50. What is your spirit animal? Your totem? Your spirit guide? Animals that visit you in your dreams? Your familiar? Your patronus?
51. Do you have grandparents? How are they? If you don't, do you remember where you come from? Who were you as a little child?
52. What is the importance of money to you?
53. What is your favorite season? What season were you born in?
54. Have you ever experienced feeling "void"? How can you describe the void? Is there any way this void can make you feel fulfillment?
55. We are all different, but what is it that sets you apart?
56. You're in the middle of a cross rode. Left, there is a dark forest. Right, there is a scary, foggy hill. Why are you there? Where do you go? Which way are you about to select? Why?
57. Wood or ground? Space or time? Wind or thunder? Above or below? Kiss or hug? Forever or sometimes? Walking at the beach on sunset, or looking at the stars on a rooftop? Dress or skirt? Touch or look? Warm or cold? Swim or run?
58. What is the greatest power in this world? In this universe? Why do you believe that?
59. If your life was a movie, which actress/actor would play you? Who would be your lover? What is the story?
60. Do you ever talk to the sun, the moon and the stars? What do you talk about? How do they answer your questions? Do you feel more connected to one of them? Why? Is there any planet you like more? Or any earthly phenomenon that attracts you?
61. Photograph or video? Poetry or singing? Dream or dance? Laugh or smile? Tiger or lion? Lyrics or music? Talk or listen? Cuddling for hours or deep conversations? Paris or Rome? Glitter or shine?
62. Are you religious? If yes, how do you feel when you think about your religion? If not, what are some other things/beings you believe in? (They don't have to be divine)
63. What is your clothes style? Do you follow fashion? What is fashion to you?
64. What are some pros and cons of media such as instagram, facebook, tumblr, twitter, etc.?
65. What is your favorite flower? From whom would you desire to receive one right now?
66. Do you believe in luck? Do you consider yourself as lucky? If not, why? If you don't believe in luck, do you think that optimism can bring "luck"?
67. What can you smell right now? (It can be many things)
68. What is one thing that you used to believe as a child, that now you don't?
69. Why would someone hang colored glass bottles from a tree?
70. Do you ever think of how things would be different just because of the slightest change in a past event? Do you ever wander what would've happen if you'd choose a different option?
71. What do you think of the number 8?
72. How many people do you have in your heart this period of your life? How many are there since forever?
73. Do you believe in past lives? Who would you be in your past life? Is there anything you're intuition is telling you?
74. Do you follow your instincts? If yes, how strong are they? What happens when you don't?
75. Could you describe your life (until this very moment) in 5 songs?
76. Forgiveness. Now, can you write down 6 random words that popped up in your head? Do they have anything in common? Do you forgive easily?
77. What is one thing that people will never fully understand about you?
78. Do you have secrets? Why? Do you want to write one down?
79. Can you imagine an aesthetic picture of a place like a room or scenery? What do you see? How do you feel?
80. What are you jealous about? What are some things you have/are that people would want to have/be too?
81. What is one kind thing you said or did today?
82. Are you an extrovert, an introvert or an ambivert? Do you have more energy when you're alone or when you're with others?
83. What is your favorite food? Do you believe in magic? Is there any way that cooking and magic are connected?
84. Do you like mythologies? What is one myth you find interesting?
85. Are you sleepy? Are you a morning or a night person?
86. What is your greatest career dream? (It doesn't have to be logical or realistic)
87. TV or radio? Classical music or opera? Train or ferryboat? Movies or series? Logic or emotion? Sharp or slick? Wide or deep? Heal or be healed? Hope or trust? Know or think? When or how? Who or why? Sweet or salt?
88. Are you easily cold? How does snow taste like? Can you imagine a place were everything is made out of food and sweets?
89. What is one thing you'd like to start doing more?
90. Are there good and bad lies? Are we just what we say or what we do or what we are scared of? What if we are what we love?
91. If you were a deity from any mythology, what deity would you be?
92. Do you know tarot? Is there any card that you feel more drawn to? Do you have a favorite spread or a favorite deck?
93. What is art to you?
94. What is love you? (Any type of love)
95. If you were a fairy or a nymph, in which element would you have power on? (Remember, this is all free of gender, anyone can answer)
96. What are your thoughts on genders, feminism and equality? What common ground is there between older and modern generations of people?
97. Have you ever tried writing a song? The music, or the lyrics, or both? What was it about?
98. Can you write down 10 positive and 10 negative things about you? Can you accept and embrace them all? Are there any negatives that are dysfunctional for you? Can you work on them? If not, why?
99. Imagine you are in front of a waterfall. Can you describe the place? The waterfall is trying to tell you something. What is it?
100. To start or to end? Circle or triangle? Launch or dinner? Romantic or edgy? Transformation or rebirth? European dragon or Asian dragon? Tokyo or London? Ancient Greece or ancient Rome? Grapes or cherries? Tears of happiness or a great laugh? Picnic in the forest or a car ride in the countryside?
To be continued... 💐🍒
Of all the insults you've thrown
"Soft" has hurt the most.
To hear that the years of love and laughter
That carved the lines in my cheeks
Were a weakness
Wounds me as much as the slaps you endured
At the hands of people far less soft than I.
In a moment my pain will pass, I know
And pity will set in
At how sad it is that you were raised
To see compassion as a flaw.
-
Day 3/14
I miss the person I was when I wrote poetry. I looked at the world like a love letter addressed to me from something greater, and lately I need that kind of hope in my life.
I will write one poem a day for two weeks in hopes to build a habit and rediscover my spark!
I used to be a poet once
But now I've lost my spark
The words that once came freely
Are lost now in the dark.
I try not to get discouraged
At this subtle, painful change
But I've become a different person now
Though I yearn to be the same.
The bloodiest hands
Are those of time.
As it passes
And the seasons change,
All things age
And die.
I didn't know I loved
An idiot
Until he said
He loved me too
You said that I looked different
And I told you I was free
Because now, after all this time
I’m focusing on me
4:51 am
I reached into the empty space
Beside me
And felt nothing but the cold
Pale sheets
Which once brought us together
But now
Only find pleasure in tearing us
Apart
Never in my life before
Have i felt this unfulfilling ache
Which rises with the rosy sun
But never seems to set
At twilight
An amber tinted room
Grey with clouds of smoke
That make my head spin
Like a vinyl record
Spiraling down
Until all i know
Are your violet eyes
And our desperate howls
Beneath the crimson moon
It's 2:31 AM, my dear
And i am still awake
Thinking of our reckless words
On another restless night
Seeing you in every place
In the shadows of my room;
Your face
Smiling at me
Chasing away sleep
Like a childish game,
Of wolves and sheep.
And in that moment
I finally understood
What it meant to feel
Breathless
When will my heart
Be as full of love
As my mind is full
Of worries?
You defy all meaning
All logic
All truth
You are like a blizzard
In the desert
Or an earthquake
In the sky
Impossible,
Yet happening
Right before my eyes
Thoughts on Beauty #7
The stars hold infinity. Each one is unique and bright, each one is thousands of miles apart and yet still together in one sky- that is why they are beautiful. Is the same not true for humans? We are each different and still connected, and each one of us holds a light inside of ourselves that can change the world. Are we not beautiful in the same way that stars are? Do we not hold infinity in the same way that they do?
Thoughts on Love #18
You make me strong. Not because you are my other half, but in fact because you were not. You broke my heart- you broke me- so I had no choice but to grow stronger. I had to make sure that nobody would ever hurt me again the way you did. You were my weakness, and now without you I am the best version of myself.
So yes, you make me strong. But it is only through your weakness that I had ever achieved it.