Life Lessons - Blog Posts
The life and the dream in Chicago.
Death will find me dead.
Fear is long gone.
Better leave me undescribed,
stare at me,
and like a flower,
pluck what you want
and leave me to bloom for others.
Isn’t this what the world has become?
My prayers, oh God,
seem to be answered
by the devil.
When I prayed to make my momma proud,
she was taken instead.
And when I asked for the voices
inside me to quiet,
they raged,
trying to burn this
little brain of mine,
ordering me to do
things,
things that could drive me insane.
God,
should I pray in an opposite manner now?
Together, I am isolated. Alone, I bloom.
People will never look like flowers.
Death is all I want to test now. I have had a glimpse at everything possible. Death, can you find me please?
After all, writing isn’t the whole damn world. Fuck this writer’s block.
I’ll walk around, watch Béla Tarr or Andrei. I’ll call Joyce she never runs out of words.
Or I’ll sleep it off, because I refuse to let a blank page make me consider the unthinkable.
We live between
bad choices
and worse ones,
and we choose the bad,
hoping that at least
we shall survive.
Mere survival is what
alot of us sometimes
sleeplessly
struggle for.
There’s nothing to be pressured about.
The chance of dying without ever tasting what you crave is real, and alive, breathing down your neck.
And no amount of pressure will ever change that.
The kids want to be writers and painters, but by 22, as they pass car dealerships, watch movies with perfect, slim women, and step over men picking up scrap metal just to buy a cup of coffee, things change.
All they want now is to survive, to sit in cars with models from the movies they watched last night .
They choose that kind of win and it's understandable.
The fate of love keeps my wait warm, knowing that I will find you, love you, and show this world that deep within me, there was always love waiting to break free.
The whole world isn’t mine, true, but my world, my world is mine.
This life, a gift from the Almighty GOD. But I wonder SOMETIMES if He had let us see first, see what’s here, what lingers in hearts, what other souls are capable of, would any of us have accepted this beloved gift of existence?
Personally, I don't think I would but I thank him now that am here, now that I know that with him this all chaos is bearable.
But it’s been hard to let them know that all I need now is not Lethargy, or Trazodone, or Sertraline.
I need a heart that can beat when mine is trembling, a face that can smile when mine is sad-locked, and a person who can accept that I am in a dangerous mood.
War has come. Where is my artillery? We have failed, drastically, to reach a truce with life. So now, let the war begin. I am not afraid.
The Woman You Wanted Me to Be.
When I think back now,
I see how you abused me,
without pulling my hair,
without slamming my head against walls,
without forcing yourself on me.
But you broke me all the same.
You compared me to other women,
made me wear your favorite color
red when I hated it most
and
ordered me to paint my lips
for every walk i had
beside you.
Now that I remember,
I never lived freely with you.
It was exhausting,
it was toxic Fred.
We shall overcome, the brutality of life
I waited for a "go, do it," but all that came was "boy, don't do it."
I waited for a "yeah, that's my boy," but all I heard was "shit, what you're doing is shit."
I kept waiting for their acceptance, until hope faded like the day into the darkness of the night.
And so, I accepted myself, invited myself, and cheered myself.
To say it right, the cake was baked by me, and eaten by me. Full stop.
I have to realize that
anything I do now
amounts to something greater-
a good sleep,
an understanding that I am human
after all,
a walk through quiet forests.
All these things
are of great help to me,
even when they earn me none
of the dimes
that are often needed
to pull myself out of this abyss.
Love and sadness, Hope and breakage, God and endurance, Politics and suffering. Science and destruction, Education and slavery, Race and division, Life— life, and life.
There are no miracles
without
the sadness of life.
For in sorrow, turmoil, and hopelessness,
God reveals Himself
most to those who trust in Him. Be strong in God.
On Valentine's Eve.
You shouldn't forget
darling
the crucial reality
that you are,loving people.
There needs alter,
there priorities,
there formulas,
their determinations.
Like weather
they, at times
dont come as forecasted
and that lamentably
bears on there love
to you
and impacts there
anticipations too.
The mothers
only pray
to get
Lawyers
Doctors
Presidents
and
Engineers
then
the world
stares on,
finding it hard
to give us all our daily havocs,
for the rest
of our lives.
Some are whores
and
gigolos
so you
marry them at
your own
risk
that when you
find them
extramarital
you know that
this was it,
the destiny thing.
They wanted me to become a man who fights for his respect. But I became a man who respects himself. And that’s how I became awkward— and I loved
that
kind of awkwardness.
Maybe all that we want is already taken— no matter how much we cry, yearn, lament, we never seem to get what we seek.
They wanted me to become a man who fights for his respect. But I became a man who respects himself. And that’s how I became awkward— and I loved
that
kind of awkwardness.
Maybe all that we want is already taken— no matter how much we cry, yearn, lament, we never seem to get what we seek.
To just do it,
even when the thoughts
form a barricade.
I will not survive. I will live.