Own Poem - Blog Posts

I stand in front of the windows

outside of a warm brown house

looking in.

There is a fire burning bright.

I can almost feel the warmth.

All the people inside smile,

smile as if their happy.

They look at each other

Comfortably.

Their eyes shine bright

in peace and bliss.

I stand in front of the windows

outside of a warm brown house

looking in.

I'll find my own voice

Find myself again

I'll pick up the pieces

Pick up the remains

I'll decide when to leave

Decide to carry on

I'll learn how to speak up

When it's getting tough

I'll stay true to myself

And learn how to love...

                                       ...Myself

Are u excited to see me?

Do u miss me when I'm gone?

How often do u think about me?

What do u think if u do?

What is it that u see in me?

...And I wonder.

...And I wonder.

I'll keep my garden clean

And decide who is welcome

Watch out for my flowers

And take care of the beds

Affirmation of the truth within

A sudden feeling of silence

A vast empty space

And countless flashing lights

Promises are broken

And the heart 

shatters 

Words get twisted

And the bones

burst

Withered Flowers on your grave

Maybe it's time for me

to go on and let you go.

Maybe I'm just to blind,

maybe I don't want to know.

In the depths of my heart,

the crypt of my soul,

I try to keep you alive

but you're dead like a zombie.

You're smothering me with ignorance

a mix of deadly silence, broken promises

and lies.

Abandoned and rejected like I don't matter to you

as the words you speak oppose the things you do.

And it hurts like a burning knife in my heart.

Sometimes

I collapse

Every part

Inside of me

Breaks down

And I lose

Every sense

Of Time

And belonging

The only

Feeling left

Of an impending

Doom.

I always fuck it up.

And I deserve to be miserable

For what I've done.

I wish I would have been

A good partner

But I think I'm not.

Please don't leave me.

I need you.

But if you do

I'd understand

As you deserve better.

Please take care.

I wish you the best.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

But I hate myself so much.

I hate myself.

But I love you so much.

I'm torn between trust and mistrust

And the thought of my betrayal of you

Fills me with guilt, shame and disgust.

I'm so sorry that I hurt you bad and

I wish I wouldn't have done that to you

So I tear my heart apart in deep regret.

It's ok to say no.

It's ok to let it go.

It's ok to doubt it

And ok to don't know.

It's ok to feel low.

It's ok if I don't.

It's ok to trust

And ok if I don't

It's ok that I show.

It's ok when I grow.

It's ok to feel hope

And ok if I don't.

Trying

I'm trying my best

To keep on going

Stay true and remember

To learn and adapt

To Be honest and open

Towards you and myself

And when I'm exhausted

I'm trying to rest

Lost somewhere in the nowhere

Surrounded by wide snowfields

Shrouded in the veil of the night

Voices in the distance

With uncomprehensible words

Taking a hurtful breath

To call them for help

And my aching voice

Dies down in the endless white

The burning coal

Inside my chest

Still keeps me warm

But I wonder for how long

The tears in my heart

They rise into my mind

Form clouds in my mouth

And rain down onto the void

Every word I say

Everything I do

Everything I see

Every taken move

Constantly reminds me

I am this misery's root

That moment back then

When I kid around

And her question

"Why are you like this?"

To this day, still

Makes me drown

And when I say

That you are saving me

I just try to tell

You what you do to me.

And when I say

That you are my place to be

I just try to tell

You that I feel loved by you.

I'm trying my best

To find the words to speak

So you can grasp

That you're the world to me.

Remnants of

my inaptitude.

Evidence of

my incapability.

The only constant

in these ruins

is my carcass,

covered in ashes

of what I

cared about.

Thank you for

Your embrace

the way you hold me

when darkness

got a hold of me.

Your warmth

that you share with me

when I feel

cold and lonely.

Your voice

that whispers in my ear:

"I'm here.

Everything's okay."

And when

You reconfirm to me:

"I'm yours

and I'm here to stay."

❤

12 Uhr Mittags und ich komme heim'.

Mitte Oktober und die Sonne scheint.

Sie lacht... Über mich. Ich verstehs.

19 Grad, mir ist trotzdem kalt, innerlich.

J. 🌌✨

Our voices sing in harmony.

Our hearts beat in unison.

Our bodies touch and melt.

We get lost together, as we

Collapse under our attraction

And give birth to a new star,

A glowing sphere of bliss.

Mein Herz ist erfroren

Bitte, bitte wärm es auf

Sitz' allein bei mir zuhaus'

Schaue zu den Sternen rauf

Ja, ich hab trust issues

Aber dir kann ich vertrauen

Irgendwo mit dir zu sein

Das ist alles was ich brauch'

Mein Herz ist so kalt

Und du taust es auf

Lauf' durch die Nacht

Und ich lauf' und ich lauf'

Frag die Sterne und sie sagen

Zu mir dir kann ich vertrauen

Denn wenn ich mit dir bin

Fühlt sich das an wie zuhaus'

Bin auf der Straße bei Nacht

die Autos ziehen vorbei

Vergesse wer ich bin

Und dann fühl' ich mich allein

Hab ein Zerren in der Brust

Als ob es mich zerreißt

Es tut weh, dieser Schmerz,

Aber keiner hört mich schreien

- Ausser dir

Hab' ein Problem damit zu streiten

Fange an zu schweigen

Fress es in mich rein bis

Der Sturm dann vorbei ist

Frier' wieder ein und

Falle tief doch du fängst mich

Bei dir kann ich sein

Bitte lass' mich nicht allein

- Ich hoff' du bleibst

Sorry...

Sorry for being a burden.

Sorry for being clingy.

Sorry for being such a mess.

Sorry for having no self control.

Sorry for being insensitive.

Sorry for being thougtless.

Sorry for being heartless.

Sorry for being unempathic.

Sorry for overestimating.

Sorry for not grasping cues.

Sorry for being emotional.

Sorry for overthinking.

Sorry for being distant.

Sorry for being manic.

Sorry for being depressed.

Sorry for being arrogant.

Sorry for hating myself.

Sorry for bothering you.

Sorry for dissapointing you.

Sorry for making excuses.

Sorry for being suicidal.

Sorry for telling you about it.

Sorry for staying.

Sorry for opening up.

Sorry for saying all that.

Sorry for apologizing.

...I'm sorry.

Tränen der Sehnsucht

Wie sehr wünschte ich mir

Du wärest jetzt hier

Und wärest du hier

Weinte ich wohl ebenso

Tränen des Glücks

🌙

You are the moon

Raising the tides of my heart

Soothing the oceans of my soul

You are the moon

Ist es das?

Bis zum letzten Tag versuchen die Verzweiflung, die Schmerzen, das Brennen und die Einsamkeit auszuhalten?

Sich die eigene Existenz irgendwie ertragbar zu machen?

Meist vorzutäuschen, dass es in Ordnung ist, obwohl es einen innerlich zerreißt, während das Ende einem sanft und verlockend ins Ohr flüstert?

Ist es das?

Auf die Rettung, den Menschen, der versteht, der die Liebe zu geben vermag, die man sich selbst schuldig bleibt, zu warten?

Entgegen jeder Ratio trotzdessen dessen Absichten zu hinterfragen, weil man so tief verletzt ist?

Vertrauen als Konzept zu begreifen, jedoch ein Herz in der Brust zu tragen, welches im Takt des Zweifels schlägt?

Ist es das?

Zu zerbrechen an der Schande, die man sich auflud? Im Bewusstsein weiterzugehen, den Menschen, denen man Unrecht tat, die unter der eigenen Mangelhaftigkeit litten, niemals Genugtuung oder echten Ausgleich bieten zu können?

Ist es das?

Lost in time and space

Living moment to moment

In search for a resting place

With no clue of where I'm goin'

If home is where your heart is

It must be a miserable place

A blood painted carnage

As it doesn't stop to ache

And I waited and I ran

Till I was tired and exhausted

Guess fatigue is my best friend

It leaves me numb and thoughtless

Droplets

Drip..

Drip....

Drip...

The sound of the water crashing onto the porcelain pierces my ears.

But it's not that kind of piercing, not the 'gotta stand up and fix this'-type.

And even if I would like to stand up to fix it, I couldn't. I'm frozen, falling into the abyss, in a timeless place without any meaning. Everything's so meaningless.

And I'm just like these droplets, falling.

Falling deeper..

deeper....

And deeper...

Chased by nightmares

While awake and in my sleep

Your words and embrace

Are the salvation that I seek

You've seen this hellscape

You've too had these dreams

If I would ask you

Would you get through with me?