Distant - Blog Posts
Being an older sibling, and seeing a younger sibling upset will never stop being painful.
It only adds to the pain when you aren't equally close to all of them, and the one with the most distance is the one in need of help.
We've never been overly close, and they seldom, if ever, come to me for help. Our parents were more gentle raising them, so they grew up healthier and more independent. That's a bit of a double edged sword, though. I could at least try to calm the others down and encourage them, but not this time. They probably don't want me to, and I wouldn't know how, even if they did.
It's strange how people who grew up in such close quarters, with the same parents have such drastically different connections with each other. The rest of us a close-knit clique, with a thin, frail connection to that island. It's not like any of us deliberately excluded each other growing up, and it's not like any of us saw it coming. It's no fault of our own, and it's upsetting, but that's the way things came out.
Sorry...
Sorry for being a burden.
Sorry for being clingy.
Sorry for being such a mess.
Sorry for having no self control.
Sorry for being insensitive.
Sorry for being thougtless.
Sorry for being heartless.
Sorry for being unempathic.
Sorry for overestimating.
Sorry for not grasping cues.
Sorry for being emotional.
Sorry for overthinking.
Sorry for being distant.
Sorry for being manic.
Sorry for being depressed.
Sorry for being arrogant.
Sorry for hating myself.
Sorry for bothering you.
Sorry for dissapointing you.
Sorry for making excuses.
Sorry for being suicidal.
Sorry for telling you about it.
Sorry for staying.
Sorry for opening up.
Sorry for saying all that.
Sorry for apologizing.
...I'm sorry.
it shouldn't be this hard... right?
I've never felt like this... fuck I miss him.
Were keeping distance because were both not ready.
my scars haven't even healed, and i don't think they're going to heal anytime soon.
Hes not ready to be open and trust me
My mind is a constant battle, and even when we were "together", I couldn't mentally handle it.
I'm really not ready, and neither is he, and it fucking sucks because I think he's the one.
ik its only been a short time, but I think I love him.
but it doesnt matter. he's gonna move on soon, but I never will.
Update, I found him
but everything comes with a price...
I found him but I cant have him. I'm to broken right now. I wanna be fixed and have the strength to say "I used to cut" and not "I still cut"
I wanna be with someone who understands my scars. Someone who wont try to change them, but understands why. I need someone whos equally or more fucked up than me.
I just feel like ill always be stuck. Stuck in the middle of a goodbye. Never feeling that pain, but never feeling that closure. Never feeling the certainty that somethings gone and is never coming back. I will always be frozen in this one time frame. Never wanting less, never having more. Im just stuck.
I think i might have cut too deep this time...
Damn, youre a good actor. I actually thought you loved me.
- i really just wish i never found out. That i can just be oblivious, but happy.
In Biology we were talking about euthanasia and our thoughts on it. Literally everyone in my class was saying they couldnt imagine wanting to die. That they didnt even have the guts to even hurt themselves in any way. I kept getting flashbacks to last night, and all the fresh scars on my arms and legs and it made me die a little bit more inside, knowing how truly alone i was.
What the fuck are you supposed to do when everyones moving on without you? When everyone in your life doesnt want you?
Fuck right and wrong. I'm doing whatever makes me happy. Im going to stop thinking about what anyone else thinks of me and my actions.
- I am who I am. Deal with it.
I feel like im being shaped and molded into what you want. You're chipping away pieces of me, and im letting you.
- it would feel nice to belong somewhere
This guy told me the other day, "i think im gonna be depressed today" as if you can choose it. He doesnt know the first thing about it, because if he did, he would know that it chooses you.
- i really wish it was a choice
I just wanna get away from it all, ya know?
This morning, I was so proud of myself. My scars had fully healed. Now, i can still feel the sting of my fresh wounds, and i cant help but wonder, "why does this make me feel so damn good?"
- i tried to stop, but it just made me worse
Im screaming on the inside, and you dont care.