Latest Posts by popculturepolarbear - Page 3

Henley Monday - 

It's still ungodly cold in much of the northern United States, and now more than ever we need men in henleys to warm us right up. Enter the fourth man named Chris to be presented as the weekly Henley Monday: Chris Pratt. 

This is him last week at the Parks & Recreation PaleyFest panel. He....has gone through quite the transformation for his upcoming role in Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy. It's pretty special. I mean, come on THAT FACE. That ADORABLE man. His character on Parks has always been one of my favorites and now that he looks like this, I might just be in full blown love.

Keep it up, Chris Pratt! We love you!

Let this song take you gently, yet powerfully into the day before you.

Please remember to be the following things:

bad

bold

wiser

hard

tough

stronger

cool

calm

stay together

And I know, all I know is, love will save the day.

Kick ass.

During The Women Tell All, Juan Pablo said "ees okay" to Andi several times because he knew she didn't like it. What a douche thing to do. He was so smug about it too!

Smug is the optimum word, for sure. He just had this chip on his shoulder that he couldn't shake off towards the end. I didn't start out hating this guy, but he didn't leave an inch of space for me to forgive him at any point along the way. Such a frustrating thing to watch. This interview with Chris Harrison after the finale is pretty interesting and seems to pinpoint some of the things I've been feeling about old JuanPa but couldn't put a finger on: http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=856726 …Leave it to Chris Harrison to bring me the peace of mind and understanding I need. Three cheers for Chrarrison!

The Bachelor - After the Final Rose Recap

Jumping straight into After the Final Rose because never before have we needed to have so many questions answered. I’m so confused about so many things, and I need Chrarrison to pull me through.

“Why was ‘I like you a lot’ enough for Nikki to accept the final rose?” Chris Harrison asks us. Why, indeed, Chris? Why, indeed?

No time is wasted bringing Clare on stage in a stunning black leather, a-line dress. Girl has style. I think it speaks to the depth of the lack of character of Juan Pablo that I went from being so annoyed with Clare to being so completely on her side.

Chris asks her about what happened that made her so sure of that proposal. She talks about the night in her hotel room where he had every opportunity to ACTUALLY be honest with her. “Tell me your fears because these are mine. Tell me your worries because these are mine. Tell me your doubts because I’ll be out of here,” she says. And she also explains how disappointing it was to hear Juan Pablo say something so offensive and rude to her in the helicopter. “I was definitely wearing those rose colored glasses,” she says about her temporary forgiveness.

“I should have left. My gut was right on. I should have left,” Clare admits. Chris Harrison is very respectful in his questioning. I think we get the answers we want to hear from Clare without feeling like Chris is peeling her open against her will. So respectful is he, in fact, that he asks if she wants to talk to and see Juan Pablo tonight. She says no. “Because never before had I been able to stand up to a man like that before…It was so liberating to stand there and say ‘this is how I feel and it’s not okay’” she explains. That was her closure. And that was enough. The audience applauds wildly.  Goodnight, Clare. I wish you good things in your life. I hope you can take this opportunity to relax and let love come to you when it’s ready. Who am I anymore? I don’t know, but I genuinely want that for her.

“Finally,” is the first thing Juan Pablo says as he comes out on stage. He sends a quick shout out to pray for Venezuela in their time of turmoil. Indeed. But let’s not stray from the point. “At the end of the day I had to make the decision that was right for me and it is what it is,” he explains about what happened. WHO TAUGHT HIM THOSE WORDS?! I’LL FIND YOU.

This guy is so full of hot air. He blathers on for a while about how hard it was for him and how he did the math that there were so many hours he spent on the show but only twenty hours were seen. And then Chris Harrison politely interrupts, as is custom for a host to do when the contestant is blathering. And Juan Pablo says, “Um can I talk?! Hoo! Can I talk?” and Chrarrison bowls right over him because NO. YOU CAN’T TALK YOU DOLLOP OF PRIMORDIAL OOZE. NO ONE DISRESPECTS MY CHRIS HARRISON. THAT MAN IS A SAINT AND A TREASURE. YOU SHUT UP.

When Chris asks him if he would have done anything differently regarding the helicopter comments, Juan Pablo demures that things were private and should be kept private and there are many things we didn’t hear. “Why should I have regret?” he asks. He genuinely doesn’t know to what Chris is referring. He doesn’t know that Clare was deeply offended by him saying “I don’t know you but I like f***ing you.” The rat bastard.

Juan Pablo goes away and we tromp Nikki out. She finally got her blond roots fixed and she is in a smoldering red dress. She is still in love. And she does not know if Juan Pablo is in love with her. “Um, not exactly,” is how she responds to the question “Has he told you that he loves you?”. I don’t know. Gah. Now we’re in the territory where it’s hard to tell what is truth and what is not. Do I feel like at this point he should know whether or not he loves her? Yes. If he does love her should he be telling her? Yes! Does he need to shout it from the mountain tops? Not necessarily, but he should TELL HER.

The couple finally reunites on TV and cuddle up on the couch. Juan Pablo is very excited that the trying four months in secret is over. When Chris Harrison asks what the big surprise he had promised to the producers in St. Lucia is, Juan Pablo plays dumb. He doesn’t know about any surprises. Nikki is his surprise but there are no other surprises.

So then Chris Harrison has to fill time. And he decides to pepper Juan Pablo with questions about how exactly he feels about Nikki. He wants him to say he loves her. But he won’t. And Nikki hasn’t said a word the whole time. She’s like a silent prisoner wife being obedient and silent, and it’s hard to watch. This is a smart, strong, independent woman, but she seems so complacent and deadened.

Juan Pablo goes on and on and on about how it’s personal and he’s not going to just say it to say it and he wants to be honest. He disrespects Chrarrison AGAIN by calling him out for interrupting him. Rude.

We get Sean Lowe’s opinion on the matter. He basically says that everyone is different, to each their own, but it is part of the process to lose a certain amount of privacy. And it is Sean’s nature to tell a woman the second he feels it to let her know he loves her! To tell her and hear it back!

“This is supposed to be the good part!...This is the time to shine and express your feelings!” Chris says.

Juan Pablo won’t play along. Nikki finally gets to chime in after being asked how she feels about it. She basically says that they are happy. They are treating it like a real relationship. That unlike other couples who come on After the Final Rose, they are actually a real couple who aren’t just saying they’re in love because they’re supposed to. On the one hand, yes. Maybe it’s good you’re taking it slower than others have in the past, but also I think if you’re with a guy who can’t say the words “I love you” to you, that’s not a great sign.

“Our plans changed drastically two weeks ago after the filming of the Women Tell All, but you know, it’s private. Now begins the private part of our lives,” Juan Pablo says of the future of their relationship. Ok, buddy. Yeah. “now” being after the full week of interviews you are contractually obligated to give to all the shows on ABC and the tabloids and magazines and everything? Ok great.

Nikki silently sits there and lets Juan Pablo talk for her. He kindly disagrees with Sean’s opinion that it’s not public, it’s private. And Sean shakes his head and laughs, “I hate to burst your bubble, buddy, but after this it doesn’t stay private.”

And his lovely wife Catherine chimes in saying how confusing this whole thing is, and “This show is about love and finding someone…don’t slap the hand that fed you.” Juan Pablo doesn’t know that expression, which I won’t fault him for. But I agree 100% with Catherine. He signed up for this. This is part of the deal.

Chris agrees too and explains that he understands wanting to keep some parts private, but why wouldn’t you want to celebrate the good part which is that Juan Pablo did find someone to be happy with and that he loves, yet refuses to say.

“Twelve years I’ve been doing this! This is a Bachelor first. Easily,” Chris Harrison shrugs to camera and then promises us the big reveal of the next Bachelorette.

Who, if we couldn’t have predicted beforehand, we now all know is Andi, our plucky ADA from Atlanta. This is perfect. I think Andi gets the show. She gets the process and is “open to the process”. I think Andi has just the right amount of chutzpa to have a sense of humor about things, but still ultimately be successful in this. I like Andi a lot, and I’m really looking forward to her upcoming season.

She comes on stage in an awesome silver sequined mini dress. She is breathless and nervous, but is stunning. “I just don’t wanna pop this dress!” she says. That is exactly the kind of spunk we need! Chris Harrison and she joke along to make sure she understands the process will be televised and that if she falls in love and might have to tell the world. She feels all in and is so ready for this. She is ready to fall in love and maybe get engaged.

Which might happen sooner rather than later! In two short months I’ll be back doing weekly recaps, as always on Wednesday. Please feel free to submit questions and comments, I always do my best to get back to you. It’s so much fun for me to get to know people from all over the world who love this show. It’s such a weird, great thing knowing so many people give a rat’s behind what I have to say about all the madness. It is appreciated and so delightful.

So until the Bachelorette is back on our TV screens, follow along here at the blog for all sorts of pop culture fun. Follow along with me over on Twitter @Chasspod. And as always, besos mis amores. Stay awesome. 

The Bachelor - The Final Rose Recap

It’s finally here everybody. Our long national nightmare is coming to an end. The Vile Beast of a man, Juan Pablo, is going to make his final decision and give out a final rose. Or will he? Or, will he give the rose and be rejected? I hope so. I hope Juan Pablo ends up cold and alone to fully ruminate on his horrible behavior and how it got him NOTHING. But let’s not put the cart before the horse.

Open to Chris Harrison standing on his victory dais in the middle of the studio audience filled with single ladies and matronly moms, as well as a few Bachelor Family all-stars. He promises us that Juan Pablo has a big surprise planned, and that we will get answers to many of the burning questions we’ve had all season like IS JUAN PABLO THE WORST DUDE, OR THE WORST DUDE?

The first third of the episode is dedicated to the ladies meeting and being interviewed by Juan Pablo’s family. The whole clan of Galavis’ are there: mom, dad, brother Rodrigo, sister Anita (from Venezuela!), with his niece, and cousin Rodolfo and his clear braces. Clare has the first family day, and is, of course, all smiles and excitement.

“Today, I’m gonna keep an eye on Clare to see how she interacts, and I’m gonna see how she is with my family,” Juan Pablo explains. Sounds cool and possessive. Clare comes in and everyone is just lovely, and Camila is being freaking adorable. Clare cannot handle how wonderful it is to see Juan Pablo with his daughter. She says it makes him even sexier to see him being a good dad.

When asked about kids and family, Clare is giving all the appropriate answers that she wants a big family. She’s charming and bubbly. Her time talking to his mother is sweet. She seems lovely. But she does warn Clare, “He sometimes is very rude…his honesty but he says the things very rude.” They bond over the fact that he has made both of them cry! DELIGHTFUL AND ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!

Rodolfo and his clear braces are very intense in their questioning. He right away asks if she is in love and she says she’s “definitely falling in love with him.” Then he says that when things get rough, Juan Pablo likes to walk away, but can Clare have the strength to hold on?  She says that the one thing she is sure of is how much she loves. And I like that answer, but I don’t like the question. Maybe Juan Pablo should work on fighting to keep a relationship instead of walking away when things get rough?

His dad is an absolute DOLL. He is so warm and welcoming to Clare. He calls her a mature, secure, wonderful woman and that he loves her already. Clare says he’s a gentleman and can see where Juan Pablo gets it. I say, how can his dad be such a kind, warm gentleman and Juan Pablo such a narcissistic dick hole?

Back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison promises this to be “the most controversial finale in Bachelor history…I never use that word”. Chris Harrison is becoming sentient. When he asks the audience if they think it’s going to be Clare there is a slow smattering of applause, but for Nikki there is a dull roar.

But here comes Nikki’s family “date”! Cousin Rodolfo is very excited to meet her, but why aren’t we talking more to hot brother Rodrigo? Hot brother Rodrigo has more of the tall, dark, and handsome Latin look. More Rodrigo, por favor!

Nikki sits down with his dad. She has all the right answers about wanting a family, but then Dad warns her, “You know, he’s not an easy guy. It’s always what he wants…he thinks he knows the truth of everything. Everything!” And THAT is accurate. What has frustrated me so much about Juan Pablo is that he has never once admitted fault in any sense, for anything. He has never apologized or acknowledged that maybe he messed up, only placed blame because to him that’s the truth. It’s infuriating for someone to never be vulnerable enough to admit to fault.

With his mother, Nikki and she discuss what a weekend might look like with JP and Camila. She says he’s a very simple, normal guy, and asks if that’s really what Nikki wants. “Juan Pablo is not easy, but she’s very strong. If he asks her, I think she’s going to say yes,” his mom tells us.

Rodolfo and his braces are taking this way too seriously. You are just cousin Rodolfo! ¡Relájate! He once again brings up that when things get rough Juan Pablo tends to walk away. Red flags! So many red flags all over the place! His whole family has told both women how challenging Juan Pablo can be! HIS OWN FAMILY IS THROWING HIM UNDER THE BUS.

But Nikki feels more confident than ever that Juan Pablo is the guy for her and that he will be down on one knee in just a few days. She’s so excited for it. Dummy.

Before we get to the final dates for each woman, we have a chat with the live studio audience for their thoughts. Normally I hate this blatant running out the clock, but in this case, I want to hear how everyone is feeling about JP. Not great it turns out. The first woman stands up and just says, “This is going south real fast. This is gonna end bad. The family warned both of the gals against him, and they were like ‘it’s ok’ but it’s not ok!” And Chrarrison GIGGLES. He straight up GIGGLES “ees not okay!”

Then we talk to a dude to get his perspective; he’s Team Nikki. His wife thinks it’s hard to get a read on Juan Pablo. The third woman also feels it’s strange that his family warned the women about him being difficult. So now we get to the Bach Fam! I love them. Arie is there! But we go straight to Kelly because she’s the smartest and best. She repeats the same thing about the red flags being everywhere and both women ignoring them.

Catherine, wife of Sean, sheds light onto the tendency of women to ignore any warnings or red flags for the sake of wanting a relationship to work out so badly. It’s true. That woman is so wise.

In keeping with order, Clare has her last full day date with Juan Pablo first. The producers have decided to bless us with the helicopter ride we have been so greatly missing. They are both over the moon excited to be together and spend quality time. The helicopter takes off and the music soars! It’s beautiful! It’s extremely romantic to Clare!

Disaster strikes quickly though. And disaster is no exaggeration.

“So as the helicopter’s landing, we have a rare moment together no cameras, no microphones, just us and the pilot. And Juan Pablo leans over and whispers something to me. What I thought was going to be kind, sweet nothings was not what came out of his mouth. And I’m just shocked,” Clare explains. She then goes on, “He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear. That he really doesn’t know me, and some sexual thing I don’t even want to repeat. It was insulting. It was offensive, and it just made me feel awful.”

All this is voiced over as JP practically drags Clare up a small hill to overlook the sea. She is so turned off. And now she’s angry and confused. “If he can’t tell me that he knows me well, or that there’s something more than a physical connection, then I’m outta here,” is the ultimatum Clare gives. And it’s a fair one. If a guy I had genuine feelings for said “I don’t know you very well, but I sure love f***ing you,” I would punch him once in the teeth, twice in the balls, walk away and never look back.

So tonight, as they meet for the final time, Clare is going to confront him. He arrives and she tells him to come on in. But he waits at the front door to pout like a child and ask for a “besito”. No, Juan. No besitos for you. The live audience claps as she continues to deny the requests for a besito.

So the confrontation begins. She says that he could have said anything in the world to her at that moment, but he chose to do something else. “What did I say? Remind me,” he says because Juan Pablo has the memory of a goldfish and can’t even keep track of the horrible vulgarities he’s put upon the women in his life. Clare goes on that she is worried he said that she doesn’t really know him, and that he doesn’t really know her. “Oh so that’s why you didn’t give me a besito?” he condescendingly asks. I’ll kill him.

Basically, when she is telling him that she wants much more out of life than a physical relationship, he tells her that her feelings aren’t valid because he was being what? Honest! He could sit there and lie to her, but in that moment “boom” he was honest. “What I know of you, I like. But there’s probably parts of you that I don’t know that I don’t like. I don’t know”. The reaction faces in the studio audience are mostly raised eyebrows and stank-glare. Clare threatens to leave again because she has much more to offer a relationship than something physical. Amen, Clare! Stand up for yourself!

“To me the no kissing is the best rule you have ever given me, but you’re the one who broke the rule in South Korea so don’t blame it on me,” he “jokes”. She defends herself and he’s like “I’m just kidding” AND I WANT TO CASTRATE HIM. DON’T YOU DARE SLUT SHAME HER MORE. DON’T YOU BLAME HER FOR ANYTHING YOU HUMAN GARBAGE SACK.

Then something weird happens. He tells her that he’s thinking about his daughter and weighing this decision heavily and blah, blah, blah. So she tells him that those are the kinds of things she wants to hear. What things? Empty platitudes? He explains that she’s so special to him because she met his family…just like Nikki. He talks about the future and having babies with her and moving to Sacramento. And he wins her back over. They snuggle up like deranged kittens. Clare now cries because she feels sure of what he told her. Juan Pablo plays that song by Josh Krajick that they heard on their first date. They kiss a lot. Fool.

The studio audience does not approve. The Bach Fam is disapproving especially. We talk to Sharleen who said it was hard to watch a woman ignore her intuition and be won over by someone being “quite patronizing, frankly”. Sean Lowe agrees “it was painful to watch” and was disappointed that Juan Pablo was talking in circles around her rather than shooting her straight.

Nikki is spending her final date on a catamaran with Juan Pablo to snuggle and sun bathe and swim. They talk about a lot of nothing. When Nikki tells him that sometimes he seems a little guarded, he says no. NO, of course you aren’t, you’re perfect and everyone else is wrong and stupid and you are the most amazing man ever to walk on Earth. EAT GLASS, JUAN PABLO.

At night they spend some time in Nikki’s suite as is custom. She just wants him to tell her that he loves her. She has said “I love you” to him and just wants to hear it back. Nikki expresses to him that she’s worried about things and is thinking a lot. He tells her, “It is what it is.” I would like to find the person who taught him the phrase “it is what it is” and inflict a deep punishment upon them. Bamboo shoots under the fingernails? Water boarding? They deserve pain.

Nikki presents Juan Pablo with a framed picture of them riding horses from the week before. She also presents him with a card saying she’s so grateful for the experience and that she loves him. In return he plants the slowest, weirdest, most fish-lipped kiss on her forehead. I want to die.

As JP leaves for the night and kisses her a few more times, Nikki already begins to cry. And she cries even harder after he leaves because she’s so scared about it all being over and not knowing how he truly feels.

The time is upon us! The final decision will shortly be made known! Juan Pablo is in a suit. The women are putting on beautiful dresses! BUT WHERE IS NEIL LANE?! MY FAVORITE LEATHER SHOE OF A MAN IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND! The women voice over how excited and ready they are, but I’m still sad about everybody’s favorite Alien Lizard King and Jeweler not being seen.

The women arrive by boat, not unlike D-day and the beaches of Normandy. But who will arrive first and face certain heartbreak? Why, it’s Clare. Oh no. It’s Clare. This poor woman. As much as she is not my favorite person, I don’t actively wish her unhappiness, especially after what she has put up with from this total scumbag.

She arrives at the final podium with Juan Pablo. There are pregnant pauses as they both say how nervous they are. Clare gives a big speech about how through all the doubts and questions, she believes in the something special they have together.

Then he tells her how they’ve had their ups and downs and that she’s there because he wants her to be there. And as he’s talking, you can see her realizing what is happening. “I wish the Earth sucked me in today because this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made,” he says. And then he says that he “has to say good-bye” and goes in for a hug.

And she puts up both her hands to stop that and push him away. Because YES. She tells him off for not telling her two nights ago when he had the chance that he had doubts or couldn’t see it.His facial expression is so combative and defensive like Clare is the bad guy here.

“I’ve saved this moment for the man of my dreams, and I thought that was you,” she spits to him, pointing a finger at his chest, “I thought I knew what kind of man you were. Sharleen didn’t have the feelings for you. It wasn’t there. Andi did the same thing. You had every opportunity to tell me like those other girls did.”

“Do you know how I feel?” he retorts, “Do you know when my decision was made?”

“It doesn’t matter to me. I lost respect for you,” fumes Clare. And she starts to walk away, but just off the platform, she turns and she points her finger at him and says, “After what you just put me through, I would never want my kids to have a father like you.” And she DROPS THE MIC, AND WALKS AWAY. YOU GET THE LAST WORD CLARE. HOW FUN WAS THAT? YOU RULE. SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU.

Juan Pablo says, “Ok,” to her, then, “Hoo! I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” What an absolute child.

She continues to be a strong-ass woman to camera that a real man wouldn’t have done what he did. “Don’t tell me you love f***ing me! Don’t tell me you can see yourself in Sacramento! Just don’t say anything. Don’t. Say. Anything,” she hiccups through tears to us. “Where’s the man that makes me feel like I’m worth it? That would fight for me?”

I mean at this point, does Nikki understand that she is losing by winning Juan Pablo? You couldn’t pay me millions of dollars to be with that man. I’m sure he’s a more multi-dimensional person than the show necessarily allows us to see, but at the end of the day, this man said “I love f***ing you” to a woman he claimed to respect. And then got upset with her for thinking that’s unacceptable. And then rejected her. And that’s the mark of a disgusting and filthy soul.

Oh hooray, here comes Nikki. I’m so excited for her. She does look stunning though. Her royal indigo dress is stunning and her butt looks terrific. Nikki is so positive that he’s going to be proposing, and can’t wait to tell her mom that she’s engaged.

After her speech to him about how much she admires him and loves him. Juan Pablo tells her that he loves so many things

about her, foremost is how honest she is, just like him. HA HA HA. “It’s like a perfect time whenever I’m with you, especially your hometown. It made me think of your dad,” he says. He goes on to explain that her dad told him to be 100% sure when he proposes that it’s forever, and he’s not 100% sure that he wants to propose. But he IS 100% that he doesn’t want to let her go. “I like you a lot, a lot. So Nikki, will you accept my final rose?” he asks.

And she says, “Absolutely!” CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THIS IS UN-F***ING-BELIEVABLE. “I LIKE YOU A LOT”????????????? THAT’S ALL IT TAKES? NO. NO. I’M SORRY. WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM FOR WEEKS AND THEY RESPOND WITH “I LIKE YOU A LOT” YOU CRY FOREVER AND DUMP THEM SOONER RATHER THAN LATER BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SCALES TIPPED SO UNEVENLY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

And then show ends. Just like that. And in the past, I’ve never recapped the “After the Final Rose” Sepcial. But guess what? I have to. THAT’S RIGHT. Immediately following this post will be the “After the Final Rose” recap because there is MUCH we need to continue to discuss. 

It’ll be in a separate post. See you there in a jiffy!

Well the reason I watched The Bachelorette last year was because they were advertising our first season of The Bachelor everywhere (I'm Australian) and I remembered seeing parts of Trista Rehn's season years ago. I really enjoyed the Australian Bachelor & I would recommend it but apart from that I haven't seen any other version. There is a second Australian season later this year but no Aussie Bachelorette yet :( I'm tempted to watch the Canadian Bachelor though!

Everyone, let's all get down on our knees and thank MyLatestDream for brining international versions of The Bachelor Franchise to our attentions.

That is so amazing. I think now that we have some downtime before Andi's season starts (yay Andi!), I'll try out Aussie and Canadian bachelor. I'm typically a bigger fan of the Bachelorette, so I hope Australia gets one soon! Thanks for the vital info, you're the best gal!

This research is going to be so fun too, for instance IS THERE IRISH BACHELOR?

Henley Tuesday - 

Sometimes the ship of my life takes me so far off course that I don't know which way is up or down, right or left. Such was the case yesterday when I found myself sitting in the Cook County Criminal Courthouse serving jury duty for almost 10 full hours. If anyone has ever told you that jury duty is terrible, THEY ARE RIGHT. LISTEN TO THEM. THERE IS NO "IT'S NOT THAT BAD" AT JURY DUTY. 

The moral of the story is that I was trapped in a courtroom gallery that didn't allow phones, so Henley Monday didn't happen as it was scheduled. Should I have planned ahead and queued up a post to automatically publish? Yes, yes I should have. Did I think I would be allowed to use my phone though? Yes. Yes I did.

SO HERE. HERE YOU RAVENOUS HYENAS, TAKE IN THE MAJESTIC BEAUTY OF DANIEL CRAIG IN NOT ONLY A HENLEY BUT ALSO A SHAWL COLLARED SWEATER AND SWILLING WHAT I'M SURE IS A LUXURIOUS SCOTCH WHISKEY.

We may need him now more than ever.

The Bachelor Drinking Game - Juan Pablo Edition

I wish I could’ve gotten this up sooner but unfortunately I was trapped at the Cook County Criminal Courthouse fulfilling my civic duty of jury duty and contemplating suicide. I’m still on my way home as I type BUT never fear. Here are the rules to your favorite drinking game - THE BACHELOR DRINKING GAME.

Juan Pablo says "ees ok"

Juan Pablo says something deeply stupid, beyond a translation issue

Clare talks about her Dead Dad

You can see Nikki's bird tattoo

Chris Harrison says "most dramatic finale ever"

Helicopter rides!

Juan Pablo is an inconsiderate, narcissistic ass

Voice over happens while Juan Pablo is shirtless on a balcony, or walking on a beach, hands in pockets

One of the women says "fairy tale I've always dreamed of"

Neil Lane the King of the Diamond Peddling Lizards appears!

Happy drinking! 

*I ALMOST FORGOT*

*Bonus* Full Shot - If Clare shows him the Dead Dad DVD

-If Juan Pablo ends up alone

And if Juan Pablo ends up alone AND sees the Dead Dad DVD? Well, then we have to drink until we can't feel the shame and sadness anymore.

I'm pretty sure Cassandra's lipstick was "Rebel" by MAC.

You win all the prizes! I guess I know where I'm headed first thing tomorrow.

The Bachelor - Episode 10 Recap

The Women Tell All

Juan  Pablo’s turbulent season of the Bachelor has moved along at quite the clip. Why, it feels like just yesterday we were eagerly anticipating Juan-uary, blissfully unaware of what a horrendous douche bag Juan Pablo would turn out to be. But here we are at the Women Tell All, one week away from a finale that I’m hoping ends in heartbreak for this guy. I often find this episode to be the most difficult to recap because it is either just a recap itself, or it is so dialogue heavy that it’s hard to pick and choose which quotes make it. And tonight is promised to be a brutally honest show-down between the women and Juan Pablo.

I can’t wait.

Chris Harrison opens by acknowledging that JP is a controversial and divisive Bachelor…and then we cut straight to tromping out Sean and Catherine to catch up about their wedding and their sex life. I care not! I love them, but I care not of their marital bliss!

UUUGGGGHHHH and then we cut to a fully bearded Chris Harrison interviewing another high profile celebrity couple: Miss Piggy and Kermit. It’s all part of their escalating publicity campaign for Muppets Most Wanted that comes out this month.

Ok finally we are at the women. They are all there and looking beautiful. We jump right into a video package of all them talking about how sexy and suave Juan Pablo is, and how he’s attractive because he plays soccer and dances.  I feel like it’s baiting them into explaining why they now think he’s a jerk. `Which they do gladly. It becomes a gigantic pile on of how and why he was maybe not the best guy to try to be in a relationship with.

Andi starts off the dog pile by saying that yes, Juan Pablo was very attractive, but after a while you need something more than a pretty face to sustain a relationship. Danielle, the one they tried to make us forget chimes in that all their conversations stayed very surface level. Lauren S., the awkward and shy music composer, also adds that he would always say “What do you want to know about me?” but never really asked about her, which other women vigorously nod their heads to agree with. “It gave me the impression that he was just not interested,” concludes Lauren S.

But then to switch debate team sides, Renee is there who felt genuine love for this man. She chalks it up to the fact that they were able to bond about their children and parenting which is very deep and not surface level. Ali interjects that Renee, however, did express frustration that their conversation couldn’t get past Ben and Camila. Cassandra, the other mother (who’s deep plumb lipstick I COVET), agrees that they so often didn’t talk about anything other than their kids.

“When you date someone, you connect with someone and you know about their past and you know about their childhood. You know about what pizza they like and what their favorite color is! I don’t think he was asking those types of questions,” Cassandra says, making a really awesome point. Kat says that any time she tried to steer the conversation that way it got weird or shut down.

Then Ali jumps in the dog pile saying, “He asked me where I saw myself in five years. And then the next conversation we had, he asked me where I saw myself in three years, and I was like well pretty close to that five year mark!”

And then we hit kind of the only stumbling block between the women that we get all episode truthfully. Lauren again expresses that she felt he was really hard to connect/relate to and it frustrated a lot of the women how he seemed so “checked out”. To which Kelly, Dog Lover and Dispeller of Discerning Wit, replies “Ok, so, Lauren in the house you were acting very different than you’re acting now. You were very into him. In TEARS in Korea.”

“I was emotional because I was deciding if I either want to move our relationship forward or leave,” retorts Lauren.

So Chris posits this to Kelly, “Is a lot of this just sour grapes that Juan Pablo didn’t pick them?”

“I think so, “ Kelly responds. I agree that is probably the case for some of them, but I do also think that the cold water shock of getting back to reality and not the Bachelor Fantasy World probably made them realize that guy was not the best.

Despite everything that happened between them at the end, Andi does come to his defense a bit. She defends that he was there “for the right reasons”, but that his end goal was different than theirs. He wanted to get a “girlfriend” that after everything was over he could figure things out with, but the women came there for a husband.

And here’s another weird thing about this season. There is usually a villain to rail against: one woman who was the source of all the drama, all the negativity in the house, who must be tromped out on stage to atone for her sins. But there isn’t a woman this time. It’s the Bachelor himself.  Chris Harrison, ever on my side, agrees that he has never been part of a Women Tell All quite like this one.

Next we’re going to pile on to Juan Pablo for having a set of cockamamie rules that he changed whenever he felt like it in regards to kissing. Kat feels like it was confusing. Kelly thinks he used Camila as an excuse for the chemistry not being there.

“He didn’t say ‘Camila’ whenever he was in the ocean,” she says. BOOM. Kelly! Please host your own show!

Renee comes in to defend him a bit with his choice not to kiss her out of consideration for her son Ben, but Kat feels like that may have been a cop-out too. Kat also goes on to add that while she loves the moms, him always referring to the as “my special ones” made her questions, “Well, what the hell am I?”

And while Chris helps clarify that it was because Juan Pablo is also a parent and wanted to make sure Renee and Cassandra felt understood, Kat (and I) think he should have just cut the word “special” from his vocabulary. Cassandra even agrees. She was a “special one” and even she was frustrated by the constant changing of the rules.

She goes on to explain that on their one-on-one date, there “was a lot of chemistry, a lot of kissing” and then he would go straight to Renee to tell her that he wanted to wait with her. So ultimately, she says, “It made me feel like he’s either not respecting Renee, or he’s not respecting me.”

And after that little ordeal we move right along to the Clare and the Ocean drama! Andi and Kat were both flabbergasted that they had no idea whatsoever that had happened because they were rooming with her. But the girls are more offended by the extended hot tub make out they had DURING the group date.  Kelly and Kat both say “that was way more disrespectful!” at the same time!

But back to the ocean, Chris Harrison says, “He had great regret and shame the next day, and he seemed to put that shame on Clare. Did he handle that situation correctly?” And NO is the resounding answer from all the women and the entire studio audience.

“I just don’t think he manned up like he should have in that situation. Honestly he’s just as to blame, if not more,” Sharleen pipes up. They all share that he was being a cowardly jackass who was slut-shaming Clare completely unfairly. Andi sticks up for Clare saying she knew what a great connection they had and took advantage of a situation. It’s completely on Juan Pablo for letting it explode and backfire the way it did. Alright, with that we end the guerilla warfare on Juan Pablo.

Sharleen gets up on the hot seat! Sharleen seemed a little divisive amongst you guys. Some felt like she was the breath-of-fresh-air, every-woman this show had been so sorely lacking, some of you felt like she was just awkward and strange and unpleasant. I think she was a bit of a combination of all those things. Chris Harrison feels like the relationship shared between she and Juan Pablo was such a hot-cold crazy thing, the likes of which he hasn’t really seen before.

“I think that honestly, I was honest the entire time,” she says when Chris asks her to talk about her experience. Cut to the video package that recaps their time together. We are forced to relive a lot of those hideous kisses.

She talks about how when they were together there was a great physical connection, but that so many of us have been in that place where the chemistry is there so you try and justify and fill in all the other holes and empty spaces. They laugh about the ever elusive “cerebral connection”.

Sharleen does come to Juan Pablo’s defense in that she found him to be “very curious” and would ask her questions about her life abroad and other cultures etc. But Chris chalks that up to her being Juan Pablo’s favorite from the get-go. Sharleen admits to having no idea how well favored she was, and the other women are like, “GIRL, PLEASE!”. They alllll knew how special she was. But ultimately, “it’s a two way street and that didn’t stop me from leaving” Sharleen concludes. She has few regrets and is glad she made the decision to leave. Huzzah, Sharleen you are a class act.

Now it’s Renee’s turn to drag her heart through the mud again. I have so much respect for this woman, so I’ll be interested to hear what she has to say about Juan Pablo. Renee is very level headed, very kind so she might be easier on him than the other women. Renee acknowledges that while she did feel love for him, they were so far behind everyone else. She was the last to kiss him, and they just moved slowly. But ultimately, Renee doesn’t regret coming on the show because she gained confidence that you can date as a single mom. And she also says she’s in a “situation now where I’m very happy”!!! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, RENEE! BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOURS! CLASS ACT FOR THE AGES!

Andi, come on down! It’s time for our hero Andi to take a turn in the hot seat. They dive right in about what happened in the Fantasy Suite that fateful night. Andi admits that at first when the cameras left, they did have a bit of a good time, but it quickly turned into Juan Pablo talking about his soccer, his traveling, the famous people he’s met. She also says he talked very negatively about the “whole process” and was so negative, and borderline ungrateful for the opportunity, that she felt sucked into it.

“I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” she laughs.

“Was that sarcastic?” Chris asks.

“Oh no, that is actually zero sarcasm. I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” responds Andi.

She then rehashes a lot of the things she was upset about when she left in St. Lucia. He was rude and talked explicitly about his date with Clare and no woman wants to hear that. Andi also does  a good job clarifying that he wasn’t “mean” to her, per say, but that the things he said and the way he said them were rude and disrespectful, unintentionally. Which to my mind is almost worst, to be a total jackass and not even realizing how hurtful you’re being. Wake up, buddy!

The best part though is when Andi admits to faking being asleep to get the date over with as soon as possible. She and old Chrarrison have a hearty laugh over that one. And they end by saying that Andi is not “in a situation” like Renee, but that she’s still looking for love. So they have set her up perfectly to be the next Bachelorette.

AND NOOOOW, ARE YOU READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBBLLEEEEEE??? JUAN PABLO IS HERE. He says right away that while he’s anxious and nervous to be there, he hopes he can be friends with many of these women after the final rose is done. Also he doesn’t regret anything he’s said or done!

“I’d rather be not appreciated for being honest than being appreciated for not being honest,” he says. He really would rather be rude and offensive speaking “the truth” than just say things a little differently and not be such a jag. Cool. Sounds right.

Lauren S. calls him out right away for using Camila as an excuse to not kiss her, rather than just saying the chemistry wasn’t there. His hackles go up and he says “no, no, no” and explains that he wasn’t there to kiss twenty-seven women, no no, he was there to get to know them and see if he felt something. So if he felt like he wanted to kiss them, he would’ve kissed them.  Which is cool because it is 100% up to the man to decide whether or not a kiss should happen because what do a woman’s feelings matter anyway HA HA HA?!?!?!

Juan Pablo also dives into a speech about how the part where Renee says how crushed Ben was after the last boyfriend and her broke up wasn’t televised. So he wan’t to spare Ben from that heartache and distress over why a man would kiss his mom and then leave forever. Baloney.

Which is where Cassandra, all of the sudden my hero this episode, says, “Honestly, if you cared about Ben’s feelings, you wouldn’t have gone on the hometown and met Ben only to send Renee home.”

To which Juan Pablo replies, “Why not?” because he’s the WORST.

“Before a hometown, you should have known if Renee might have been for you. And if you knew that Renee wasn’t for you, then you should have never met her son,” replies Cassandra.

“Why?” he says with the most condescending expression on his face. He says he introduces to Camila to whoever on the first date, as a “friend” or whatever. Which seems like the trope in the beginning of a 90s movie about children of divorce that are always being introduced to a parent’s “friend” all the while knowing that parent was dating cheap, no-good men/women. CAMILA GETS IT, JP. STOP DOING THAT.

Chantel calls him out for saying that keeping things fair line over and over and yet calling two women “special” and treating them differently. I think we’re getting a little caught up in the semantics of the phrase, rather than him not treating all the women as equals. He says that when he was on the Bachelorette it was different because Camila had her mom, but for these two, “they don’t”. Meaning the kids don’t have their moms, but don’t they have their dads? If they do, then this just reveals more of Juan Pablo’s unbending gender roles that a mom is the primary care-giver and dad’s can’t/shouldn’t do as much. Or the dads aren’t around and it is truly harder.

So Lauren H. the weeping Mineral Coordinator from night one chimes in with some sound reasoning and redeems herself a lot. She says that it is good to have those connections with the moms in the group, but to acknowledge and act compassionate towards the whole group because everyone is in a similar place. Way to go, Lauren H.! Coordinate those minerals!

Andi speaks up for Juan Pablo and it’s good because she expresses for him what he might not be able to. She says that he wan’t putting Renee and Cassandra above everyone else, but wanted to make sure they knew that he saw them differently.

“It’s not a game, this is like a relationship. And I think everyone here just wanted to be treated like they were in a unique and individual relationship with you,” Lucy tells Juan Pablo. This is great. All these women have really shown up tonight with their best, smart, strong sides showing. Girl Power, Lucy!

And then Kelly takes off the gloves and asks Juan Pablo point blank about what he meant in that infamous interview where he said gay people are “more pervert”. “Coming from a parent who is gay, I was hurt by that,” Kelly says. Juan Pablo looks right at her and says that he would love to really take the time after this to talk to her because that was taken out of context.

“Pervert? Was taken out of context?! Tell me that in Spanish,” she demands. Kelly is emotional here and that’s fair. Then Victoria joins in that he needs to stop using “English as a second language” as an excuse because she didn’t learn English until she was fifteen, and it’s making everyone look bad. I agree with that whole-heartedly!

But, I do feel like Juan Pablo is not a raging homophobe and that it’s possible he was misquote and misrepresented in that interview. He tries to defend himself but also gets a little too on the defensive that he’s not going to answer that right now. Whereas I think he could have used this time to really apologize and explain what happened. “I have no problem with them because I respect them. They were born that way!” he says. Sharleen also comes to his defense in saying that they talked about it in Seoul and feels like he is open minded and accepting. I believe Sharleen, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

And then we cut straight to bloopers! Chris Harrison says, “here’s your bloopers” like “here’s your gosh darn bloopers you ungrateful, dramatic loons!”

And that’s that. Thank God. Next week we are moving back to St. Lucia to see a very tearful final episode between two rival women on the show. Who will Juan Pablo chose? Clare? Nikki? No one?! What happens! I can’t wait! See you there my lovelies! Juan Pablo drinking game rules up on Monday for the premiere and recap up on Wednesday! Tell me all about your viewing parties and how you’re celebrating too! BESOS.

Sorry to inform you, but the picture you posted is not Michael Fassbender. It's a model, I don't know the name, but it's definitely not Michael Fassbender. Have a good day, though!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I think in my delirium I saw the guy and my brain was like "close enough!". I did the Google image search that Catfish taught me how to do. Turns out this guys name is Andrew Stetson and while incredibly attractive, Fassbender he ain't.

Many thanks to Ladyfayte for the correction!

Henley Monday - I honestly can't remember if I've already posted this shot of Michael Fassbender, such is my post-Oscars hangover. I started eating and drinking at 4:30 and didn't stop until the show ended at 11. It was a marathon. And so today I ask you: have I posted this picture of the Fassbender before? Out was it just a different few pictures of the Fassbender? And really, most importantly, does it matter? He looks great. So screw it. A Henley is a Henley whether or not you've seen it before.

Me, my 1890's hair, pearls, and Diet Coke are over on Twitter live tweeting the Oscars right now! What are you waiting for?! Join me!

Click here to join in the festivities!

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

We. Are. Back. Yes that’s right folks we are back for round two of this week’s double dose of the Bachelor. One day later, one day wiser, one day of hating Juan Pablo more. Tonight is the famous Fantasy Suite episode where sex is the issue around which all conversations tip-toe. If the previews haven’t mislead us, tonight’s episode should be chock full of juicy stuff, and I also I can see myself getting very caps-y. Strap in tight. Grab your wine. Let’s do this thing.

  This week we are in St. Lucia: a beautiful Caribbean oasis with tropical flora and crystal clear waters. Juan Pablo starts us off by saying, “OH St Lucia you are beauuuutiful.” Clare is up first for the full day plus overnight dates. Juan Pablo has already mentioned “no cameras” several times because he’s very excited for “no cameras”. They get into a dinghy and zip across the sea to a yacht. Clare is telling us, in a very exuberant manner, that she is honestly not sure if she will accept the overnight date if it’s offered to her. 

Really Clare? You’re nervous about spending the night again with a man when the last time you did it you were publically slut-shamed by both the show and the man you’re “so in love with”? Sounds about right. Even as they swim in perfect blue water, Clare tells us again how nervous she is. “The fantasy suite might not be for me,” she says. We’ll just see.

We move right along to the dinner date which will ultimately lead into the presentation of the fantasy suite card aka an invitation for SEX. LET’S ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SEX HAPPENS BETWEEN ADULTS, THE BACHELOR. Ahem, in any case, Clare actually looks beautiful. She’s wearing this flowing white maxi dress. Say what you will about her, and believe me I have, but she is always styled immaculately.

Over dinner they talk about how much Clare wants to meet Camila and be a big part of her life. While Juan Pablo says her name “ca-mee-la” Clare says “ca-mil-a” which makes me laugh every time because that is the name of Gonzo the Muppet’s chicken girlfriend. Camila. The Muppet Chicken.

The date card is presented! Clare demures by giving a big speech about how it matters what Camila sees and how she feels about it all. But Juan Pablo is like “haha it don’t matter. I just really wanna bone you.” And so Clare is like “As long as we’re on the same page.” So they go to the fantasy suite because OBVIOUSLY.

“Everything he’s said to trust him about, I trust him,” Clare tells us as they enter a beautiful and white suite. She is gearing herself up to tell him that she loves him. They sit on a white couch and sip champagne, and he grabs her ear. He grabs her ear and keeps petting it. Don’t touch my ears! Then he gently pokes and caresses her face, and I’m dry heaving. Finally he drags it out of her that Clare is “loving falling in love with you.”

“Come here. It’s ok,” he says. I hate this guy. Then they have sexy hot tub time. “He’s that man that I want to have babies with. That I want to get married to. And I’ve never felt that before,” shares Clare. So that’s where they are at. Have at it, you two. At this point you deserve each other.

But the date we’ve all been waiting for is happening right now. Andi is up. Juan Pablo is so excited and says that Andi is just one of those people that you talk to and have chemistry with. Foreshadow. They walk around a place called the Denner Seafood Fiesta. They learn to play the steel drums. They buy street food. They sit down at a picnic table and make friends with little local kids. They offer them food and the kids say no to food from strangers because they are smart. Juan Pablo further belittles them by buying them juice. Oh and then they all play a pickup soccer game. “It’s like a little romance mixed with some culture. What more could you ask for on a date?” Andi asks. I don’t know, Andi. A man on that date who can think?

Then they hop in a land buggy, drive through the jungle, and then take a short jungle hike to yet another waterfall! Waterfalls are their thing, y’all. They share a little picnic and seem to share some actual good conversation about what happened at the hometown. Then they have sexy waterfall times. 

Over dinner, Juan Pablo wants to take the time to address something Andi said during hometowns. She allegedly said that she “badly” wants to fall in love, and he’s concerned that she’s forcing it. And he doesn’t want that. She clarifies though that she just wants to make sure that she is in fact in real love with him before entering into the role of mother into Juan Pablo’s family. He accepts this answer, and for now everything still seems very lovey-dovey on both sides.

“This is my life, and I don’t want to make a mistake. And I don’t want to regret it later,” he tells her. And while those sentiments are certainly true, they don’t have the delicacy they maybe should. They talk more and more about just what the other person is thinking. He says she’s not sure if she could be a good mother yet. “I don’t know these things.  That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight so we can talk about those things,” he tells Andi. 

She accepts the fantasy suite card signed with love from Chris Harrison. What a load of boloney that farce of Chris Harrison hand-writing these cards is. We all know it’s some P.A.’s job, Bachelor!

“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy. We frickin’ talked and laughed for hours! HOURS!” Juan Pablo beams to camera. He even thinks Andi could possibly be the one.

Smash cut to Andi walking down a path in a black maxi dress. “Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” she says, “I thought that I was falling in love because I had genuine feelings for Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like.”

She tells us how she’d had concerns all along, but had pushed them aside because the times they spent together, they did have a good “connection. But then Andi launches into a laundry list of reasons why Juan Pablo was being a downright d-bag on her overnight. Anytime she tried to talk about something personal, he interrupted; he was name dropping; he talked about his overnight with Clare. “I’m not an idiot. I’m well aware of the situation, but I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask,” she says. “He doesn’t get it clearly. He has no filter. And him having no filter just comes across as him not caring.”

“It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” Wow. Andi you rule. I love that she is being 100% honest. There is no sugar coating on her words whatsoever in how much she is not into this guy. He is narcissitic and kind of dumb and she is done with him thinking he can get away with just being “cute” and having everyone fall in love with him. She questions why she was so blind and is sad that she feels like she wasted so much time with someone she knows will never be a good partner to her. Girl, I feel you. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I think I speak for all of womankind when I say we have all fallen for a guy only to realize very abruptly that they were terrible, awful, horrible, no-good very bad men.

And in that light, this is maybe the first time we’re getting to see one of the women have this realization in real-time. I’m sure that there have been more than a few finalists who, after leaving the show, realized that the man they thought they were falling in love with was actually a no-good butthead (JAKE PAVELKA. BEN FLAJNIK.). But let’s get back to the drama at hand.

We are skipping right along to the overnight date with Nikki. Juan Pablo feels like both dates so far have gone really well, so he’s looking forward to see how things go with Nikki. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL. YOU GUYS. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. I can’t. I cannot deal with it. Nikki is wearing a FLESH COLORED, FRINGE TEENY-TINY CROP TOP WITH TRIBAL PRINTED FLOWING LINEN PANTS. It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. Ever.

  They go horseback riding across the island. “There’s a difference between being a nice guy, and being a strong person. I’m a strong person so I need someone to match that,” Nikki tells us as they ride. The two have both separately mentioned that the other is a good kisser, so we know the sexual chemistry is there. They have a picnic on a beach and go swimming. She still hasn’t told him she loves him though and is banking on the dinner tonight to tell him. 

Dinner comes and goes with little fanfare, no “I love you”, and one fantasy suite card that Nikki whole-heartedly accepts. Juan Pablo says he will get some alone time with Nikki then whispers “finally” in the most lecherous, horn-dog way imaginable.

Once in the fantasy suite, they kiss a little and Nikki finally just says, “I love you, and I think you know that. But it’s taken a lot for me to say that.” Then Juan Pablo whispers some unintelligible nonsense to her while kissing her. Then they probably have sex.

Juan Pablo arrives at a swank-ass cabana with Chris Harrison to have a heart-to-heart chat. After clearing up some translation issues because Chrarrison is the man, they very vaguely talk about the women and what Juan Pablo is going to do. I had also completely forgotten that this is the week that the women leave personalized videos to help Juan Pablo with this huge decision. How will this fadge?

Nikki goes first, and it’s boring and fine. Then Clare goes, and are you the least surprised ever that she cries? And then it’s Andi’s turn. And she tells how she had real feelings grow, but then says that when she woke up in the fantasy suite, she needed to share some thoughts with him in person. Enter Andi stage left to have what is sure to be a rough conversation.

“Not once did he ever ask anything about me,” Andi says on her long, long walk up to the cabana. They finally meet, and she is immediately emotional. She repeats what she’s told us already that she had some genuinely good times, and genuine emotions for Juan Pablo. She flat out says that she realized she isn’t in love with him and that she isn’t ever going to be. He says that “it’s ok. That if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

“If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do. I had you here because I liked you since week two…if you don’t feel it, it’s ok,” he says. And she says when he says that “it’s ok” it makes her feel like he doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t care about her. So he tries to rearrange his words so he can explain himself in English better.

He then says that it’s harder for Andi because she only had to think about one guy while he was busy dealing with the emotions of “twenty-seven, then nineteen, then the next”. Which is cool and demeaning. And then he repeats that he’s “Liked her since week two” and adds “So am I gonna die? No. But am I sad? Yes. Because I like Andi. I’ve liked Andi since week two.”

I mean what the hell guys? What the hell?

“Everything is always ‘it’s ok’ and I will die if I hear ‘it’s ok’ one more time!” she exclaims in frustration over him not understand why she’s upset. And he gets pissy that a woman is having an emotion in front of him and is like “why you upset?”

When she asks how he feels the overnight date went, he tells her how great he thought it was and how much stuff they talked about. She’s exasperated at this point. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He keeps repeating that he was “being honest” when he mentioned that Clare already had an overnight, and that Andi was there “by default”. He takes great offense! GREAT OFFENSE! Because he does not have that word “default” so he CLARIFIES that he said “you BARELY made it here!”

Oh GOOD. THANK GOD. THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING THAT BETWEEN ANDI AND RENEE YOU JUST PICKED ONE FOR ALMOST NO REASON OTHER THAN MAYBE CUP SIZE. GOOD THING YOU DON’T KNOW THE WORD DEFAULT BECAUSE SAYING “YOU BARELY MADE IT” IS SO MUCH BETTER.

“There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole, to be honest,” is how Andi reacts. And I cheer. I clap at the tv. Andi you are winning for calling this guy out on his bullsh*t.

The producers are going balls to the wall with shots of random wildlife. So far we’ve had: iguanas, birds, bees, ants, praying mantis, lizards, frogs! So many things! Back in the big fight Andi asks, “Do you have any idea what religion I practice? What my political beliefs are?” And he can’t answer anything. He basically blames her for not bringing up that she wanted him to know those things earlier. And Andi continues.

Then in a moment of moronic defensiveness he goes, “What’s my religion?”

“Catholic,” Andi snaps back immediately. And he turns his head down, and the look of shame on his face is PRICELESS. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW PERFECT IT IS. SHUT IT DOWN, ANDI DORFMAN. SHUT. IT. DOWN.

He goes on to completely blame Andi for the way she’s feeling now. He puts it all on her that she should’ve brought up these things earlier, but she failed to do it.

The conversation starts to wind down, and Andi starts to shut herself down completely too. Juan Pablo makes one last vain effort to apologize for how annoying it is when he says “it’s ok” for everything. I think he does genuinely try to apologize but the word “ok” just keeps escaping his lips. Then he reaches over to touch her face but really just pinches her eyebrow. Andi draws back in revulsion and asks him to “please don’t touch me. 

She leaves.

In total Juan Pablo says “it’s ok” a total of 26 times during that exchange. That is one “it’s ok” for every year of her life.

“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit,” Juan Pablo says to camera. He then explains that if she had just left quietly he would have been totally crushed, but because of the fighting and the problems she talked about, he doesn’t care. I mean, he’s right. Women shouldn’t have difficult emotions or make their man think about himself in any light other than perfection. So I get it.

“I’m all for honesty, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive,” Andi tells us as she drives away, “He doesn’t get it. And he never will.” She’s ultimately disappointed because she wanted to find love with someone, not Juan Pablo no, no no, but with someone. You are twenty-six years old, Andi. You are a federal prosecutor. You are smoking hot. You are going to find someone amazing.

“I hope to God he’s different with Nikki and Clare, for everyone’s sake. Because if he’s not, what a wasted opportunity,” Andi says as the two women are lined up for the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo comes out and explains that Andi is not there because she didn’t have feelings for him, so she went home.

Both Nikki and Clare accept their roses after Juan Pablo gives a REALLY GREAT speech about how if there are any questions or doubts, they should come to him right away and he’ll be honest. I’m sure he will. And the group cheers to the end of the “amazing journey they’ve been on together”.

And that’s that! That is the end of a really, really great episode of the Bachelor. I think a lot of the things that we have felt and noticed the rest of the season finally came out from the mouth of one of the best women on the show. I love that this happened. Juan Pablo got called out on all his bad behavior, and guys, the Women Tell All looks so, so, so amazing. It looks like all the women are going to rip him a new butthole for being such a butthole.

UNTIL THEN, MY LOVES! I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod, I’ll be here on the blog answering your questions and posting other fun stuff, and I’ll be living in eager anticipation of next Wednesday when the recap goes up! LOVE YA!

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

"Caliente pero no caliente"

Oh my sweet, sweet friends. Do you know how much I treasure each and every one of you? It’s true. We are few, but we are proud hate-to-love, love-to-hate watchers of the Bachelor and this season, my, has it ever leaned more towards the hate side. I enjoyed chiding Sean Lowe for being a little dim, but if Sean was dim, Juan Pablo is one of those cave salamanders who evolved blind because they live in the complete absence of light. But we’ll delve into that later, for now, it is time for the historic, and often ill-fated, Hometown Dates.

Nikki is up first which bodes well for her. They never put a particularly bad/eventful hometown in the beginning. She hails from Kansas City, Missouri and if my friend Candice’s mother is to be believed, it is known as the “Fountain City” and has the most fountains in America! It’s a beautiful fall day, and they are dressed like models in a catalogue.

“Being in Kansas, it’s the Midwest. And I kind of like a little cowboy!” Nikki says of her plans for their day. Sure. You can like a little bit of a cowboy, but as hearty Midwestern stock myself, I don’t think “cowboy” is one of the main descriptors of our men. Sturdy? Sure. Beefy? Absolutely. Cowboy? Ehhh.

  To prove his worth as a vaquellero, she takes Juan Pablo to a famous Kansas City bbq joint. It’s the real deal with plastic trays and sauces in bottles. Juan Pablo has never had bbq before and doesn’t even really recognize a rib. Turns out he LOVES barbeque though and is obsessed with the sauce. Then his final test of cowboy strength is to ride a mechanical bull in full daylight at an empty bar! Nikki just watches him ride around on the mechanical bull for awhile, and then he falls off. And then they ride it together. It’s yucky. Be glad you aren’t seeing it. Oh, and Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo and wants to tell him but can’t. That’s going to play out nicely.

Nikki’s family lives in a palatial estate. The mom, dad, and two brothers are all there. Nikki and her mom run away to have a chat right away. They talk about how there is a physical and a mental (HA) attraction. Her mom is right on board with her saying she loves him, with her saying that she would get engaged to him, with her being so head over heels.

  Now Nikki’s dad talks to Juan Pablo and it’s basically just a job interview to be her husband. He’s a sweet man, and Juan Pablo says all the appropriate platitudes. Nikki and her dad talk and the brother’s don’t even enter the frame of the camera. Nikki is tormented about telling Juan Pablo she loves him. And then he leaves. Byeeee!

Hey, y’all! We’re in Atlanta for Andi’s hometown. Juan Pablo is really excited. How excited? “Andi is just mmm,” he says.

Andi takes Juan Pablo to the firing range to shoot some guns. It is “some southern initiation” for sure, Andi. I like that she’s just doing her own shooting and target practice while Juan Pablo struggles in vain to get a bullseye. He finally gets one and makes good on their agreement that he can’t meet her family until he shoots a bullseye. Onward to her family where things aren’t all peaches and cream!

We’re meeting Mom, Dad, sister Rachel, and a brother-in-law. Her dad looks like a bald cave troll in an orange shirt in the most horrific shade of orange. As they tell the story of their aventuras around the world, Dad has already started grilling just about the number of women left at various points. He is red-faced and furious and sure that these two are just “infatuated” with each and not truly in love. That is a fair point dad. It’s like saying “I believe she believes she’s in love, but she’s not.”

Mom and Juan Pablo talk about not really anything. Then Mom asks Juan Pablo to show her his dance moves so he’s calls out ANDI BECAUSE HE’S SIMPLE AND DIDN’T REALIZE THAT SHE WANTED TO DANCE WITH HIM. Then he gets it and dances with Mom. They have fun.

Her father named Hy, which is the name of southern terror, sits down to grill JP. It’s all making something out of nothing just for TV’s sake. Juan Pablo asks in the end if Hy would accept him and his daughter in his own family. Then we break to commercial, but guess what guys it’s more something out of nothing because Hy says, “I won’t answer you because the person that is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say there is no one else in the world for me.” Which is really discerning. It’s a way of saying “let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.” I like it. I know he’s tough, but he’s a good dad. Yay Hy.

When Andi talks with her sister tough, she plants seeds of doubt into an already doubting Andi. She brings to the surface a lot of the concerns and problems she’d been pushing down from the beginning. Andi just doesn’t know. Andi is unsure. She is still unsure when talking to Hy, and could see herself falling in love with him. So while Nikki is definitely in love, Andi is still seeing that she could maybe fall in love with him. She keeps repeating that she is “very, very close to being in love with him” which isn’t really a thing. It’s just the same as saying “I really, really like him! Maybe this could be something good!” Which is NOTHING. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE ALL SAY THAT? We all say it so often.

Now we must move along to Sarasota, Florida to see Renee’s hometown date! She’s so beautiful and is jumping out of her skin excited to see her son Ben for the first time in eight weeks. I love her. I just love Renee. She is too good for Juan Pablo. She is perfect.

They reunite with Ben and Renee is beaming. She and Juan Pablo watch his little league game, and Ben is adorable. What a cute kid. Too bad he gets to have some future emotional baggage meeting a Venezuelan lothario on TV. Juan Pablo says he’s so excited to have a son so he can play baseball, football, basketball with him. AND NEWSFLASH BUDDY: YOU CAN DO ALL THOSE THINGS WITH CAMILA TOO BECAUSE GENDER ROLES DON’T NEED TO BE SO FIMRLY DEFINED, YOU DINGLEBERRY.

Renee, Ben, and Juan Pablo come over to Renee’s parents’ Florida casual home to meet the parents and her brother. Everything goes very well with everyone. The family is so warm and accepting because they are Renee’s family, so of course they are a delight. She tells her mom that she is head over heels in love with Juan Pablo and her mom urges her to tell him. Her dad is so mellow and sweet. I just love these people. They are top of the line, good people.

Renee ends the night, but doesn’t end up telling JP she loves him. The competitor in me wants her to “win”, but I feel like this season “winning” is more who doesn’t end up with Juan Pablo. So I want Renee to be free of him and to find the best man in the whole entire world who can be a dad to Ben and a rock for her.

The producer’s know and love how much I know and love their tricks of cutting to random wildlife, and have started off each hometown thusly. We started with cows at Nikki’s, then geese for Andi, then pelicans for Renee, and for Clare? In Sacramento, California? For that darling woman we get a squirrel and a buzzing beehive. Never change, producers. Never change.

Clare is obviously at a 15 to start and we climb higher and higher from there. She does however make a good point that anyone can feel like they’re falling in love on the exotic trips they have been on so far, but it takes something special to feel that way in a simple park. And again, in the interest of being fair, Clare talks a lot about her father, but I get it this time. She’s home, and she misses him. I can’t hate a woman for missing her dad who’s passed away.

  I feel like if Clare had saved all this heavyweight emotional stuff for right now, I would have liked her more. She tells a story about how her dad told her that whenever she misses him to just go to water and throw a rock, and as far as she throws that rock, he’s never farther away from her than that. I’m choked up just retyping that! That is beautiful. But it’s Clare. And she’s pulled the Dead Dad card way too much before now. And she’s too much. And she’s insane. It’s making it hard. At this point though, she and JP deserve each other. They aren’t hateful scum (Courtney and Ben), but they are certainly quite the Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

But there is a reason we have saved Clare’s hometown date for last. A big, big reason. A HUGE reason. It’s her oldest sister guys. She’s a huge ogre, and she is the worst. Drama erupts as Clare, the youngest of six girls, brings home the first man since her dad died. One of her other sister’s Lisa though is very sweet, very calm and very approving of Clare’s love. Her mother Aurelia is just a beautiful, strong matriarch with perfectly coiffed white hair. Aurelia is bomb.

  Sister Madeline is also so kind and asks good questions, but not in a mean way. She affirms Clare and calls her heart “tender”. The rest of them are all so low-key and docile, how did Clare get to be so high strung and crazy? Just youngest sibling syndrome? Surely there must have been something else.

Aw snap. Now it’s time for Shrek (sister Laura) to get her claws into Clare. She tells Clare that “they” are not ready to give a blessing for her hand in marriage. Aurelia, who they keep calling “mama”, is sitting right there and can’t get a word in edgewise. Laura is being a condescending jerk; even Aurelia is like “I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m not going to let you manipulate mama,” Shrek says, and then she stands up and crosses her arms because Clare is “not respecting mama.” Mama is sitting right there. Then Laura stands up and walks to the edge of the garden just to “watch” Clare talk to Mama. Laura is a cranky old maid. Shut up and go home. I’m sticking up for CLARE, Laura! That’s how much of an asshole you’re being!

And now we are at the crux of the reason that Juan Pablo is actually just a stupid man. Aurelia and he chat for a hot second in Español. Aurelia is baller, but when she asks about the weather in Venezuela he says “caliente pero no caliente” which is “hot but not hot”. When asked about your home country that you miss so much, all you can come up with is CALIENTE PERO NO CALIENTE??? Come on, hombre. He just doesn’t even have thoughts. In English or Spanish, there are no thoughts in Juan Pablo’s hollow head. Aurelia knows you need to get out of town, despite giving you her blessing.

Let us sweep right along to the rose ceremony! Chris Harrison walks each woman down the green mile to wait out their nerves. Everyone is feeling nervous and tense because this is probably the highest stakes rose ceremony of them all. It would be hard not to take it personally getting dumped right after a guy meets your family.

Juan Pablo tromps out to give a boring speech giving thanks for everyone’s open hearts and open homes, blah blah blah, let’s get to the blood bath. Nikki is called first. Then Clare. And now we wait it out between Renee and Andi. It’s Andi.

Which means my girl Renee is going home. And she is so sad. And it’s hard to see Renee be so sad because she is a pillar of grace and dignity and kindness and strength. I can’t say enough good things about Renee. Juan Pablo understands the gravity of the situation because he starts crying as soon as he looks at her.

Even as they part ways, she is so gracious, and says she is grateful for the experience of opening herself up to love again. And he cries a lot. And tells her how much he respects her. And even though it’s not much, it’s something. It’s something to be respected. Renee you will flourish and find someone so much better than that old bag. I do even believe she has a good chance of becoming the next Bachelorette. She’s got a lot going for her in that department, but I almost don’t want that for her or her son. We’ll see.

So that is the end of hometowns! You guys, are you so excited that you get to come back TOMORROW for another recap?! I am excited. It means we get to spend more time in the alternate universe that is The Bachelor. They are promising us a very dramatic, very juicy Fantasy Suite episode. So pop over to find me on Twitter @Chasspod, hangout with me here on Tumblr for more recaps and other fun things, and don’t forget you can send me questions/comments with the ask button! I’m trying to start answering those more because I love interacting with you guys about all this hoo-ha. ¡Besos y hasta manaña, amores!

Henley Monday -

Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I had a great weekend. Did you have a great weekend? My weekend was so great that I'm currently dearly paying for my choices.

But late last night it came screaming to my attention that Mr. Chris Evans my No. 1 Hollywood Hunk of Choice was GRAND MARSHALL OF THE DAYTONA 500.

I'll let that sink in for a second.

Yeah. It happened. And there are lots of pictures of him in this henley that is practically painted on. His hair is perfectley coiffed and his beard is a perfect length, but I really had a moment were I thought, "you know, maybe he's bulked up too much."

And then I laughed forever. I'm still laughing now. Because who in the blessed world am I to comment on the exact state of Chris Evans' PRISTINE physical fitness? I am a human slug. I ate half a fried chicken sandwich in bed last night at 2 am! I am GARBAGE.It is I who lives upon the Death Star feasting on refuse and the occasional rebel who falls into my chambers! And I had the audacity to think maybe Chris Evans should consider my opinions on his physical appearance and fitness?

No. No my friends. He should keep doing his Captain America thing and being the Grand Marshall of any event! Grand Marshall of our hearts and ALL the parades!!!

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

"I wish I was a little dumber."

Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn – WELCOME TO MIAMI ¡BIENVENIDOS A MIAMI! In those, the immortal words of the bard Will Smith, I welcome you to this week’s Bachelor recap. Let’s turn on the heat.

Juan Pablo is jumping out of his skin excited to see Camila for the first time in weeks. His little “chiquiturri” runs into his arms and clings on like a koala bear. She is very cute. They swim a little and hang with the fam. Cousin Rodolfo has hilarious adult braces.

 But now it’s time for the girls to arrive. They are really excited to be in Juan Pablo’s home town because next week is their hometown date. The pressure is on. Everyone is feeling it, but the swanky suite with free bikinis is probably easing the pain. JuanPa arrives to hand deliver the date card to Sharleen. She is very uncomfortable but excited for the “Come Sea my City” date.

Sharleen is doubting things right out of the gate. She expresses that she does feel a connection with him on certain levels, but that they are sorely lacking the “cerebral connection that [she] so need[s]”. Which is a really diplomatic way of saying that Sharleen is REALLY SMART and Juan Pablo is a little stupid.

Before the date starts, the girls sit around on their veranda and talk about how strange it is that Sharleen and he have a relationship at all. They share that she normally goes for really intellectual almost nerdy guys, and I’m like yes. Yes Sharleen. This is why we’re friends.

But the date is a low key but luxurious day on a yacht. I would be ok with that date. They snuggle and make out a lot. Sharleen feels attracted to him and that the sexual chemistry is there, but her big old brain won’t shut up that this guy, in the long run, doesn’t get her. As the date moves onto a private island beach, she tells him about her job as an opera singer and how that would play into them potentially having a relationship. She’s again, super diplomatic, and doesn’t give a definite answer. Basically Sharleen is open to change. Which means she doesn’t want to get his hopes up if she might be going home early because Juan Pablo no es muy intelligente.

Juan Pablo is so into her though! He really wants to meet her parents! He was even telling cousin Rodolfo earlier that she might be the one! But he’s not good enough for her! They kiss SO gross! They are the worst kissers ever! She is honest with him about not feeling 100% sure about him meeting her family and he tells her that she makes him feel smarter and that he admires her honesty.

And I’m on board until she says, “I wish I was a little dumber…that’d be so much nicer.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT JOHN GREEN “THE VENN DIAGRAM OF BOYS WHO DON’T LIKE SMART GIRLS AND BOYS YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE IS A CIRCLE.” OH GOD. I’M CLUTCHING MY BRAIN. NO SHARLEEN. NO. NEVER DUMB YOURSELF DOWN FOR ANY MAN. BEING SMART IS NOT A HANDICAP IN FINDING LOVE.

Which is why she says, “The little voice in my head is telling me that it’s not right.” Follow that voice Sharleen. When she gets home to the hotel, she runs immediately to talk to Renee because of course. Renee is a therapist. Even after sage counsel from Renee, Sharleen is still completely torn over what to do.

Nikki gets the next one-on-one date much to Chelsie’s chagrin. Chelsie feels like Nikki is always so negative about things, case in point, when the date card indicates dancing Nikki immediately groans and says “I thought I paid my dancing dues in Korea!” On the one hand, yeah that’s negative; on the other hand, if you don’t like dancing, you don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows about having to go dancing.

They meet up at a flower shop to pick out flowers. They are picking out flowers to bring to Camila’s dance recital. That seems…like a big step. Emily Maynard tortured herself over not brining anyone into Ricki’s life. Nikki is not only meeting Camila but also his mom and dad and ALSO CAMILA’S MOM. This seems like the kind of meeting that shouldn’t be televised. Nikki is really nervous. As she should be.

Camila’s mom is a BABE. She is outrageously beautiful. The introductions are fine and kind. Camila is adorable as she sings her solo and does her dance. These kids are precious. But a little too precious. I feel pandered to with their adorableness.

Nikki is really good with Camila when they meet despite Camila’s shyness. Everyone in the family seems genuinely kind to Nikki despite how strange the circumstances are. Ok. I feel good about that you guys. I mean as good as one can feel about a child being put on TV as her dad tromps around the world making out with women left and right all in hopes of finding her a new mom.

The dinner portion of the date is at Marlin’s park which Juan Pablo calls his office. This is, in a sense, true. They play catch on the field and Nikki is in quite the high hemmed, low-cute dress to be tossing a baseball around. I think she brought the dress in expectation of going salsa dancing, so she’s probably a little uncomfortable laying on a picnic blanket in it.

“When it comes to Juan Pablo planning this date for me, he definitely hit a home run,” Nikki admits. The rest of the date goes well. Nothing much to say there.

Wow wow wow we are diving right into Sharleen gathering the women around to explain why she is leaving. They are all like “why are you fancy?” and confused. They really say that! “Why are you fancy?” Let’s all say that to each other sometimes. She doesn’t think it’s fair for her to take a spot of one of the other girls who is sure of the future with Juan Pablo. She’s pretty beat up about it. I feel for her. I do. She is a strong woman though, and will make it through.

She steels herself to knock on the door and then walks right in when he opens the door. As they sit on the couch you can tell that she’s fighting back tears.  She starts to whisper all this stuff and finally manages to get the real issue out “I just don’t that I can get to the place that I’m supposed to be at in three weeks time.” She continues to whisper about things she’s already told us about being unsure and taking another girl's spot etc, etc.

Juan Pablo says he understands. But does he?! Does he? Because he does that thing AGAIN where he demands that she look at him and then also demands that she not cry. “Hey don’t cry. Don’t cry because of me. Don’t cry because of me because that make me upset at you,” he says. OH really? How comforting. Thank you for instructing me on how to process my emotions and GUILT TRIPPING me into not crying. Let the woman cry, Juan Pablo GOD.

“Even though it’s not easy, you got to know yourself better,” he tells her. Now that is actually a good sentiment. “You didn’t waste my time at all…If you did not come here, I would not meet you, and I would not see how wonderful you are.” Ok we’re doing better here. He seems like an actually nice guy. “The only thing that pisses me off is that you didn’t sing enough for me,” he jokes. And they laugh. And then she leaves. It’s sad.

Juan Pablo cries to camera as he tells Sharleen how much he appreciates her being honest and courageous and a strong woman. It’s the first time all season I’ve actually really liked him.

But the Group Date and show must go on for Chelsie, Andi, Clare, and Renee. What sets the group date apart from the one-on-one is that on this date there will be a rose given out that guarantees a hometown date. Everyone’s hackles immediately go up. They want to take Juan Pablo to their hometowns!

The girls hop into a sea plane to have a day at a private beach. I think it’s the same private beach from Sharleen’s date. I mean a private beach is a private beach but no one wants sloppy private beach seconds, right?

Chelsie shares some alone time first. Her mom sent her off to the show with a stack of letters, so she shares some of them with JP. She is so bright and fun. You can tell he likes that about her, but is it enough? They seem to have the least advanced relationship out of all the other women.

Then Andi starts to cry immediately upon sitting down with Juan Pablo. He clicks his tongue at her before hugging her to make her feel better? Like she’s a dog during a thunderstorm? She’s just worried about him meeting her family.  He calms her down right quick with some kisses and platitudes. What a guy.

Clare is obviously at about a 13. On a beach. If you can’t keep your energy below a ten on a beach where can you be chill?! WHERE, CLARE?! She is putting a lot of pressure on herself, and so of course she cries when talking to Juan Pablo about her family. She brings up the Dead Dad DVD again. I’m so, so worried about her showing him that DVD and then him dumping her. I can just sense this all happening.

Then the rain sets in, and the big reveal of the date rose. It goes to Andi. I’m excited. Even though Andi has faded from my favorite, I like her for Juan Pablo right now. Clare is furious. She just doesn’t understand why she’s even there when he’s going on dates with all these other women. CLARE. YOU HAD A DATE LAST WEEK. ARE YOU SO QUICK TO FORGET? Clare makes me really caps-y. This episode makes me really caps-y.

Anyways, now Andi gets to go on a special one-on-one in South Beach with Juan Pablo. They are going to have a dance concert with Romeo Santos. They start dancing on stage in front of everyone. Andi is really bad at dancing. Also I’m worried about her right boob popping out of her dress the whole time.

But dun dun DUNNNN back from the group date, Clare is still having a hissy fit back at the suite. “I wanna hang out with Nikki like I wanna get stung by a jelly fish,” Clare says. She’s feeling feisty and is not hiding her disdain for Nikki one little bit. So Nikki calls her out. And the gloves come off. Chelsie and Renee are caught in the middle feeling suuuuper awkward. Nikki, wisely, walks away to pull herself out of a dramatic situation.

So Clare decides that this is the final straw and she shall finally confront Nikki for being a bitch! Nikki is taken aback. Let’s also start this whole portion of the recap by saying I’m Team Nikki. I think she seems pretty normal, and maybe I’m not around her like the other women are, but I don’t think she’s a “mean girl” or a “bitch” at all.

Clare is being super combative and Nikki is trying to actually talk things through. But Clare is out for blood and Nikki finally cuts it off by saying “Clare, I don’t like you. We’re never going to be friends, so you can just excuse yourself from my room”. Clare no likey. Clare begins to have an argument about semantics that this room is NOT Nikki’s room that it’s EVERYONE’S suite and because Nikki didn’t pay for it, it’s not her room. Which is so childish and stupid I can barely believe it’s happening. No, Nikki didn’t pay for the room CLARE, but she’s allowed to have personal space.

Clare finally excuses herself by saying “you’re a piece of work Nikki” and Clare responds with “and you’re f***ing crazy”. Nikki ends it by telling us that Clare, like a dog, “marked a piece of territory that might not be hers.” Which is kind of a mean girl thing to say, but I really don’t like Clare and even though Nikki is kind of “whatever” to me, I’m on her side with this. Clare needs a Xanax, like, yesterday.

Everyone besides Andi is incredibly nervous. Nikki is making things more awkward than they need to be by being stand offish. She could make things easier on herself I think. She and Clare sit in complete silence at one point. You could cut the tension with a butter knife. Then Andi joins. And Renee joins. And the silence continues. Renee is feeling the tension. Renee! Queen of conflict resolution and good feelings Renee is having issues.

But blessedly, Chris Harrison arrives to pull Juan Pablo away and get this rose ceremony show on the road.

Quick sidebar: Are Clare’s boobs fake? They seem huge but are always separate and never fully “cleaved” together? Does that mean they are fake or so real that she lets them be naturally weird?

Ok! First rose goes to: Nikki (duh, she knew it all along), then Clare (because drama), and now the last rose is between Renee and Chelsie. Please God, let it be Renee. Nothing against you as a person Chels, you’re really sweet, but Renee is the best. And it is! It is Renee! Thank goodness. Even though I’m starting to think Renee might be too good for Juan Pablo, she deserves to make it farther in this competition.

Chelsie tears up and Juan Pablo starts to cry. It’s very emotional. Hey JuanPa, what if I told you you aren’t allowed to cry right now?! How would that feel?! He pulls Chelsie away to give her a more formal goodbye. But Chelsie continues to be her positive, wonderful self by saying that he’s wonderful and how she wants them both to have the best match out there. She waits until the fateful limo to fully break down. And then Juan Pablo cries some more. Yes Juan Pablo. See how good it feels to cry? Let other people have that feeling.

Holy cow, though. Next week is two episodes two nights in a row. We have hometowns right on Monday at the regularly scheduled time, and then on Tuesday we have what promises to be an extremely dramatic fantasy suite episode! Yes! I can’t wait you guys, even though it means double recaps. I’ll see you on Wednesday! And follow me on Twitter @chasspod already; it’ll be fun for us. Besos!

Henley Monday - Shaun White, Shaun White, Shaun White, Shaun White, Shaun White, Shaun White, Shaun White, Shaun White - ADDICTION THY NAME IS SHAUN. Possibly the saddest thing about his fourth place finish in last week's Olympic half pipe is that we don't get the resulting press tour of joy. And he's so immaculately styled. And charming. I need that press tour. Let's post pictures of Shaun White in henleys forever. Boom. Also he should host SNL.

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

"That's what I remember from when I watched the movie! Houses under a hill!"

Welcome back to the World Tour of Love aka Juan Pablo’s Unexpected Journey aka The Bachelor. This week we are in New Zealand, and I am muy, muy excited. To be in the land of Hobbits and Radagast and Ents AND Flight of the Concords?! These women have no idea how lucky they are. Let’s get started.

First off, is New Zealand kidding with us? Is it KIDDING with how amazingly beautiful it is? Juan Pablo arrives at Lake Taupo by sea plane, and the girls are also overjoyed to be in the wonderland of Middle Earth. The suite is so chic and has an infinity pool overlooking a gorgeous river and I CAN’T HANDLE IT. I’VE GOT TO GO.

The first one-on-one date goes to Andi. Once again, one of the front-runners who was starting to get impatient waiting for her time to shine. She’s the last woman there to get a one-on-one. Andi is thrilled and the other girls are thrilled for her, except for Cassandra. Not that Cassandra hates Andi, but she’s starting to feel really homesick. She misses her son a lot. Obviously Renee, the mother superior of this group, is the one who talks it all out with Cassandra and she gets back on track.

Juan Pablo sounds like has a little bit of a sniffle when he tells how great today is going to be with Andi. They climb into a sporty speed boat and tear off down a river and it’s just like the Brandywine. But all of the sudden, it turns into a primordial rainforest with ferns and mosses and drizzling rain. And the boat driver in his precious kiwi accent is like “get out of the boat!” and they put on aqua shoes and go walking down a stony mossy path in the river. It’s freezing. It’s kind of terrifying. I feel like they’re going to get stuck and die.

Andi uses the trusting Juan Pablo through the rocks as a metaphor for a relationship and just letting go and trusting Juan Pablo! Oh but then they find the waterfalls of hot springs! That’s so cool. Let’s go you guys. Let’s quit our jobs and just move to New Zealand.

“It was definitely the most amazing date I’ve ever been on. It was cold. It was hot,” Andi says. Those are the two most important factors in any date: extreme temperature variations. But Andi still feels like they need to have a good evening portion of the date to really connect.

They are at Te Puora which is a geyser and while a picturesque setting to be sure, I don’t imagine it being too pleasant because from what I know of geysers, they smell. Really bad. Sulphur smells like rotting eggs. And geysers are all about the sulphur. But the two love birds don’t seem to mind. Also, why doesn’t my spell check recognize sulphur? It’s an element. A pretty common one. It knows uranium but not sulphur!? DUMB SPELL CHECK.

“Ooo, somebody’s exploding right now. Oh, the big one?” Juan Pablo turns around because the geyser is going off big time. It totally ruins dinner because of the sudden downpour, so they huddle away under a blanket. Now looking on the geysers from afar, they snuggle and have a heart to heart about what everyone talks about on the Bachelor: the future, wanting love, wanting to spend their lives with someone. She gets the rose because why not? They have chemistry, and I still like Andi.

Everyone is gunning for the second one-on-one date, but the group date card arrives first. “Let love roll!” Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra are on it. Which means Clare has the one-on-one date. That seems rude and dumb.

But back to the group date at hand, Rotorua is the site and it’s a sweeping landscape, very windy, very pretty. It’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday, y’all! She’s feeling very positive after her talk with Renee and is hopeful for a fairytale ending.

“This is my favorite place I’ve ever been. It reminds me, kind of, of Ohio, except we don’t have hills,” Chelsie tells JP. Which…where do I start Chelsie? That’s just NONSENSE. Regardless, after their little picnic they get to the crest of a hill and see the “oggo” run. It’s that thing you’ve probably seen before where people climb into giant, clear, inflatable balls and go rolling down hills. In this case they make them get into bathing suits and hop in a hot tub first, presumably to slick them down a bit so they don’t tear their flesh as they roll.

Everyone has so much fun and Nikki even manages to make-out with him in the “oggo”. It does look pretty cool even though when you climb out it looks a lot like a baby being ungracefully born.

Omg. Omg. Omg. OMG. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD THEY ARE HAVING DINNER AT HOBBITON! HOBBITON. THE REAL HOBBITON SET FROM LORD OF THE RINGS AND THE HOBBIT. IT’S SPECTACULAR. IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND I WOULD BE CRYING.

Sharleen is the only one with the appropriate reaction though: “This is so f***ing cool!”

I mean they are basically having dinner at BAG F**KING END.

Renee and JP have some special time first. They snuggle on a little hobbit bench in front of a little hobbit table and they have a little hobbit make-out sesh! Now he and Nikki have alone time on the same little hobbit bench. Nikki takes the opportunity to tell him how she feels, “I’m totally falling for you.” I don’t know, y’all. How weird would it be to have to check in weekly with a guy to say “here are exactly where my emotions for you are at”?

When he and Sharleen settle down, he immediately goes to kiss her and she once again does the weird neck face thing. The producers play some spunky, plucky music because Sharleen is awkward. “This process is a little inorganic for me,” Sharleen blurts out in a much longer word vomit of why she’s doubting what’s happening. And Juan Pablo continues to be the WORST DUDE because he just tells her to shut up and stop doubting herself. I mean on the one hand, yeah I’d want to be comforted but he always does it in this “stop being crazy, woman!” way.

Cassandra and the girls have fun celebrating her birthday, and she is gunning for the rose.  The girls keep calling the rose “the precious” and that rules. Whoever started that (I think Chelsie) gets all of my roses forever.

But then simple Cassandra is up for her time, “Oh that’s what I remember from when I watched the movie! The houses are like under a hill!” Yes Cassandra. That is the only important thing to pull away from Lord of the Rings: houses under hills. Despite not appreciating great film, she just is so excited that there could be a man who is a father figure for her son Trey. She pours her heart out to him about how much she respects him as a dad and she feels ready for love!

But Sharleen gets the date rose, and then JP pulls Cassandra aside for a moment. The other women assume it’s to tell her happy birthday. But no…it’s not. “You’re one of my special ones, you know that,” he starts. He hems and haws around the point but finally tells her that he’s going to send her home to her son because the feeling just isn’t there. She is incredibly gracious and says she’s disappointed. So he tells her NOT TO BE DISAPPOINTED. DUDE. LET PEOPLE FEEL THE FEELINGS THEY FEEL. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL FEELINGS.

He sends her home with a hug and some secret words. Poor thing. She’s so wee. And on her birthday??? Worst birthday ever. The producers overlay a truly depressing song to fit the mood in the New Zealand rain.

Oh but the bright side is that there’s a Hobbiton cat that’s lounging next to Chelsie when JP comes back in from the rain!

Now, now, now let’s get to the juicy stuff: Clare’s one-on-one date. Tensions ran pretty high in Vietnam after that little ocean fling, so I expect a high volume of drama today. Clare is expecting an apology for the way he behaved, but I’m not so sure she needs one. I don’t know.  He kicks right off by acknowledging the tension from the week before. He does apologize for being kind of harsh and making a mistake and misleading her. They make progress, but honestly I don’t give a hot shit about any of this. Clare is annoying and stupid and the ocean thing is a NON-ISSUE.

What is great though is the backdrop of their picnic. You know at the end of the Fellowship when the uruk-hai over take them and Aragorn realizes Frodo has to go it alone to Mordor and so Frodo pushes off his little boat into a river with a rocky shore? It’s like the river with the rocky shore and perfectly clear blue water.  But in this case there are no uruk-hai to carry Clare away and make her stop being on my TV. My kingdom for an uruk-hai.

Juan Pablo makes her promise not to cry because of him anymore. Again with the controlling of feelings? What is that? Is that thinly-veiled machismo? I don’t like it.

At dinner it’s more of the same conversation. I’m so bored. They change into sweats just to keep it so, so chill and cool and casual. JP is beyond horny for Clare. She gets the rose despite being incredibly annoying. But I’m starting to hate Juan Pablo too, so they’ll be perfect together.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony are taking place at an incredible sheep farm that I’ve decided is Rohan.  Our beloved host Chris Harrison finally gets to have a fireside chat with Juan Pablo! Chrarrison, please, please you rational man, help this fool of a Took.

The women are very quiet and tense at the cocktail party. There are three women with roses already, and Cassandra has already gone home, so that leaves three roses and four ladies. Everyone is freaking out.  Each of the women has good time to talk to Juan Pablo and make sure he knows where they are at emotionally. More than ever this season it feels like a harem/sultan situation.

Andi, Sharleen, and Clare all have roses and Juan is emotional before the rose ceremony officially begins. He calls Nikki first because she’s one of his top favorites; Renee is next because he likes her a lot too and darn it, so do we; and the final rose goes to…….Chelsie. Good. Very good. It was time for Kat to go home. Their relationship was not progressing despite how much she loved telling Juan Pablo about her alcoholic father. You’ll land on your feet Kat.

But after Kat leaves, Sharleen starts to have doubts about still being there. Well, I guess she’s had the doubts from the beginning but starts to really voice them here in Rohan. She feels “guilty in a way” because other girls might actually have a better relationship with him. As next week in Miami comes, she’s giving him one more week, one more chance and if she doesn’t feel it, she’ll go home.

What a cool ultimatum! That makes things interesting for sure!  I can’t wait. As you well know by now, recaps up on Wednesday, and I’m over on twitter @chasspod losing my mind about the Olympics until then. Love and many a wonderful, unexpected journey to you all!

Henley Monday - I don't know you guys, maybe it's the chili I made our maybe it's the Winter Olympics in full swing, but this Monday was not so bad. I think it's definitely the Olympics. They lift me up and inspire me and also there are so many beautiful v international make athletes. It's truly a gift in the middle of this more than harsh winter. In any case, here is Richard Armitage looking fine so fine. Be bad with your British self, Richard! MMM MHMM!

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

"Either I live or I die or I poop my pants"

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! HELLO!!! I may be two days late but I PROMISE not to be a dollar short. It’s been a bizarre week of my life, but I think things in Vietnam will prove to be even stranger. And we’ve also been promised some saucy pushing of the limits by some of the contestants to which I say: LET US SAUCE AWAY!

Juan Pablo is rightly stunned by the dynamic beauty of Vietnam. I think I know what you’re wondering though, “Will someone say ‘Good morning Vietnam’?”. YOU GUYS. YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT. SOMEONE DOES. IT’S CLARE. Let’s be real for one second though: I would kill to be staying in that suite, in that hotel, in Vietnam. Tengo celos, my friends.

Renee gets the first one-on-Juan. Thank God. It’s been a long time coming for Renee who has quickly become not only a front-runner but a fan-favorite.  She is full-cylinders, gunning for a kiss today.

“I can’t wait to make her enjoy the day and meet the world and see a different culture and eat some weird stuff,” Juan Pablo tells us about his excitement for the date with Renee today. I mean how magnificent is that run-on sentence?  Juan Pablo does get all serious for a second and say he really likes that Renee is also a single-parent and is the same age as him. At least the man has a tiny bit of sense.

Juan Pablo drives a pedi-cab over to a dress shop where they will have a tailor made dress fashioned for Renee out of beautiful silk. I mean wow. I want a tailor-made silk dress. Renee is so sweet and so kind. The two of them do have a very natural chemistry I have to say. They wander about the streets and eat fruits and buy their kids souvenirs and buy flowers. They are just very at ease together.  I don’t know, guys, maybe these two have a chance? I was worried she was going to be too platonic, but maybe not?

Night has fallen and the beautiful lights on the river are lit. Renee emerges in her custom dress of this rich purple and blue pattern. It’s beautiful.

“She looks good on those dress!” salivates Juan Pablo. Although not quite in the cartoon wolf way he salivates over say, a Kat or a Clare.

They talk about her ex-husband/baby-daddy at dinner. “I see her and I see myself,” admits Juan Pablo. I DON’T KNOW GUYS, HE SEEMS LIKE HE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES HER. I feel like he has a more physical connection with some of the other women, but I think JuanPa knows, deep in his corazon, that Renee is a person he could be with as another human person.

Totes obvi Renee gets the rose. And then an amazing thing happens. They walk down to the river and they get to make a wish on tiny paper lanterns that they set afloat. Renee wishes for a kiss because she is like a dog with a bone with getting her lips on his lips. But no dice, Renee. Juan Pablo wants to be respectful of your son, so with you he’s taking things slow.

After that little aperitif, we move onto the meat and potatoes of the episode: the big group date. “Can you go with the flow?” reads the date card. Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Ali, Danielle and Andi who is pissed about being on a group date once again, are all ready to explore. I really hope that it becomes a dissent into madness in the style of Hearts of Darkness. I would love to see Clare sitting on a bamboo throne professing her triumph over these mortal women a la Dennis Hopper. THE HORROR!

But enough of my fever jungle dreams! They are actually going boating in these adorable circular bamboo boats. Think of it as a semi-spherical canoe. They pair up ,and would you believe it? Clare elbows her way into being paired with Juan Pablo.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I love and cherish you. “Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, so when Juan Pablo says pair up, everyone has a friend…but Clare. For the first time in history having no friends works to your advantage.” IT’S LIKE SHE’S DOING MY JOB FOR ME!

Of course JP and Clare immediately get stuck and Juan Pablo steals a kiss. So, that seems inconsistent. I think his idea at this point is that he can kiss the women he’s already kissed as much as he wants, but no new women will be kissed. It’s a very exclusive club troubled by severely flawed logic. Your daughter won’t care how many women you kissed, but she will care WHICH women you kissed and how much and how many other women it was in front of.

And of course, all the women see him kiss Clare. The general consensus is that it is eight women are along for the ride of Clare and Juan Pablo’s one-on-one. Chelsie agrees by describing how romantic her morning with her friend Ali has been.

After shoring up, they wander onto a farm where they are each given a traditional straw hat (Yup, it’s that one you’re trying to make yourself not think of because you’re worried it’s racist – it’s that hat), and a knife and a basket. They are taken out into the fields where they are helping to pick the produce for their dinner.

Cassandra, bless her simple heart, looks hilarious in the hat and is telling us all about the farm and how everyone works together in one big community and that “I was telling the other girls that we should have this in America”. And I don’t know. It might be the hat, or her simple voice paired with a sweet smile, or the bizarre yet earnest intonation of her words, but I laugh about that, all alone on my couch, for a good thirty seconds.

Then Andi has a little temper tantrum on the commune and Juan Pablo sooths her WHILE WEARING THE HAT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT ALL THESE GENUINE MOMENTS ARE HAPPENING IN THESE HATS.

After the day’s work, they sit down to a huge, beautiful feast. I mean it is traditional Vietnamese food cooked fresh from the field! I want that! The consensus continues to be that Clare is the worst.

“Clare knows what she wants and she’s here to get it. And that’s Juan Pablo,” Kelly says. “And can we hate her for that?...Well I mean, we can.” KELLY YOU ARE AN AMAZING, SPECIAL FLOWER! DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE!

At the cocktail party, everyone has exotic looking cocktails with what I swear is an entire Granny Smith apple carved on top. Clare gets pulled away first with Juan Pablo which sets the girls’ hackles on high. Everyone is like, “Welp, seems about right.”

Oh hey, Danielle is still there. Just a reminder because they don’t let her talk.

Juan Pablo now brings Clare up to see his suite. Why? Why? Why? ¿Por qué? They have solo swim time and are getting pretty handsy and kissy-kissy. Clare is nothing but completely proud of herself in all her interviews. I hate Clare -The end, by Cassie Niespo.

How long are they gone? They must be gone forever, but we don’t see the girls’ reaction on their return because we immediately see Sharleen’s alone time with Juan. They sit on the beach and cuddle.  “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears,” says Sharleen, which is a cute/weird take on the “bagel on a plate full of onion rolls” line from Funny Girl.

Andi is still questioning what’s happening between her and JP. She talks about it again with him during her time. They cuddle on the beach and end up making out. She really wants the rose and frankly, I think she deserves it.

Clare gets the date rose though because Juan Pablo is at least consistent in his horn-dog, sexually clouded judgement.

As the girls get back from their date, Clare decides she doesn’t want the night to end AND that she wants to swim in a warm ocean! I think that’s what we’re calling sex now! Swimming in a warm ocean! So she sneaks off back to JP’s suite, and he’s like, “Yeah let’s do it” because penis.

Clare describes the ocean as “waves of hot, warm bath water” which sounds so, so romantic: hot, warm bath water. They get pretty hot and heavy in the water and probably do some stuff under the water we don’t get to see. More on that later…

…Because now it’s time for potential mean-girl Nikki to get her one-on-Juan date! Nikki is wearing an impossibly stupid sparkly headband across her forehead. Can you imagine how irritating that would be when you’re sweating profusely in the jungles of Vietnam?

They walk through a beautiful, jungle mountain path. It’s amazing. And then they get to the surprise. And the surprise is yet another Fear Factor challenge. They are repelling down a giant hole in the ground into complete blackness to explore a cave. It’s so deep and so dark that they can’t see the bottom. Nikki is freaking out AND RIGHTLY SO. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO TYPE THOSE WORDS RE: DATES ON THIS SHOW? WHY DO WE KEEP FRIGHTENING WOMEN INTO LOVE ALL FOR THE SAKE OF A STRAINED METAPHOR ABOUT LOVE AND TRUST AND RELATIONSHIPS???

“Either I live or I die or I poop my pants,” Nikki confesses. Yup. That about sums it up. I like her for that for about one minute until she makes another metaphor about falling and trust and love. SHOW DON’T TELL, NIKKI. Show don’t tell.

She has a genuinely difficult time going down the cave, so when they are stopped to catch their breath, Juan Pablo kisses her. And that, allegedly, gives her the strength to keep going. How splendid. His kisses are magical and medicinal.

Oh also I forgot to mention the cave is called “Hell”. How playful!

At night they have dinner in another tricked out cave. He touches her hair and her left ear a lot. They talk about how she is not a morning person and that it’s good to admit faults so you seem more realistic. Sure. True, true.

“Every day I’m helping people, but when I look back, I realize they are helping me too,” Nikki tells Juan Pablo in what I’m sure she thinks is an incredibly vulnerable and wise moment. I again laugh for an extended period of time.

She gets the rose.

The rose ceremony tonight is from another world of beauty. The women arrive by barge in their lovely dresses to a lantern lit oasis on the river. But things will not stay so Eden-esque forever. Three women are going home tonight, and you can see the tension in the room rise to threat level midnight© at the announcement.

As he sneaks each woman off one by one he gives us the run down on how and why he likes them. When it comes to Renee’s time, they talk about her son Ben and how he’s very mature for an 8 year old, and would “not be pissed” at Juan Pablo for kissing her. “So he wouldn’t be pissed at me” he says, and she says, “No! He wouldn’t be pissed at you!” And he KISSES HER. LIKE HE MEANS IT. It’s a good looking kiss, y’all. Renee is on cloud nine. She earned this. I just hope that he understands that their relationship is stronger for it and that kiss was way better because of delayed gratification (Tom Hiddleston and Cookie Monster know what I’m talking about).

And then, oh then, we move on to Clare and the Rising Regret of a Romp in the Raging Ocean. Juan Pablo confronts her and tries his best to express why he’s not feeling the best about their intimate time in the ocean the other night.

“I’m trying to be as fair as possible,” he keeps saying in an attempt to explain that he wants to give everyone equal time to build their relationships. Which, I guess, ok maybe.

“It’s not about fair. It’s about how you feel,” Clare fires back. But this is not the way to sooth JP.

She starts to cry and Juan Pablo tries to have her look at him and look him in the eyes so he tries to turn her head and then he cranes his neck to kind of peer through her hair as she cries.

“Don’t cry anymore, ok? Can you stop crying for me, please? Don’t be stupid. I’m telling you it’s ok. I don’t like it when you don’t look at me.”

ALL THAT AND MORE HITS FROM THE TOP SELLING RECORDING ARTIST: PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG HORRIBLE PARTNER IN LOVE AND LIFE!

Basically what it comes down to is that Juan Pablo would not want his daughter to see what happened between them in the ocean the other night. Again, fair. But also we really didn’t see that much so I feel like he regrets taking it to a place physically that we weren’t necessarily privy to. I don’t know, man! At least you didn’t skinny dip with the show’s greatest villain of all time BEN AND COURTNEY.

Clare feels awful because “all she wanted to do was swim in the ocean” and did not at all want to disrespect the relationship Juan Pablo has with his daughter. I also see her point. Do I like Clare very much? Not at all. Do I think Juan Pablo is slut-shaming her a little bit over virtually nothing? Yes. Not good on you, Juan Pablo. Bad form.

She runs off to a corner of the garden to cry more and he keeps insisting that she look at him. He wants her to delete the conversation from her memory.  “If he didn’t think it was right, he shouldn’t have done it,” she weeps to camera. I mean, yes but also honey you knew you were using your feminine wiles to beguile him. But also no slut shaming? But they just SWAM IN THE OCEAN. WE ARE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL HERE. Clare ends by saying an ominous “I don’t know where we go from here.”

But we must inevitably come to the rose ceremony where three women will be sent home. Renee, Clare, and Nikki all have roses from the dates, then he calls out, in order: Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and just to make her sweat buckets, he calls Andi last.

That means that Ali and Danielle are going home along with KELLY! THE DOG LOVER AND MY KINDRED SPIRIT! DEAR SWEET KELLY, YOU ALWAYS HAD SUCH AMAZING QUIPS AND SOUNDBYTES FOR US, AND YOUR “TIRED OF IT” EXPRESSION BROUGHT SUCH A LIGHT TO THE SHOW. DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE, AND I PRAY THAT THEY RESURRECT BACHELOR PAD SOLELY TO GET MORE OF YOUR RAZOR WIT ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN.

Juan Pablo and many of the women cry. It’s an emotional rose ceremony, to be sure. But everyone will have to raise their spirits because next week they are HIKING THE TRAIL TO MORDOR! THAT’S RIGHT! STRAIGHT TO MIDDLE EARTH ITSELF: NEW ZEALAND. LOTS OF CAPS!

So next week we will be posting at our regularly scheduled posting with all new sordid adventures. Are you ready for the number of LOTR/Hobbit jokes I’ll be making? Are you? If not, follow me over on @Chasspod to get acclimated, if you are, then still follow me @chasspod because lots of LOTR jokes happen there.

I keep refreshing your page hoping that your Bachelor recap will pop up! When can we expect it?

First thing tomorrow morning! My life has imploded a little this week, nothing major, but Bachelor had to take a back burner. Working on the the recap right now for all you wonderful humans who give me the strength to continue on this journey!

^^^ me this week

Henley Monday -

So it looks like my cries to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday went unheard. A girl can dream right? And as I sit here today with the remains of heartburn and general indigestion, more than ever I feel compelled to avail us with Henley Monday.

And today, a henley clad man for the ages, Kit Harrington aka Jon Snow on HBO's GAME OF THRONES. His stare is enough to melt a whole right through the Wall and blast a White Walker right to glittery dust. Keep your heads up everyone, Jon Snow does know SOMETHING: how to look sexy. Boom.

A Petition for the Super Bowl to be a National Holiday

            When, in the human course of events, it becomes necessary for one people to declare a National Holiday that connects them to one another, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should explain causes which impel them to take a full day off work.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, but in terms of physical prowess in a sport that serves our base need for tactile, inter-personal confrontation, certain men are to be lauded with confetti and spectacle.

We, the people of the United States of America, have been endowed by our Capitalist Creators with certain unalienable rights that among these are high definition television, multimillion dollar buzz-worthy commercial spots, and the pursuit of our favorite NFL teams to claim the Super Bowl Championship. And to secure these rights, leagues are established among men, deriving their powers from a kind of arbitrary committee of guys assembled by their collective net worth (I think).

That whenever any form of workplace HR department or office manager becomes destructive to the general well-being of their employees, it is the right of the people to petition to their local congressman/woman, for the Monday following Super Bowl Sunday to be declared a day of Rest and Recovery. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that office relationships long established should not expect Trevor in sales to be anything but a gassy, bloated, hung-over shell of a human being on said morning after. All experience has shown that Mariah in accounting will be a hot, unshowered mess and that her breath is an evil which is insufferable.

Such has been the patient sufferance of the American People; and such is now the necessity which constrains us to alter our former systems of Paid Holidays in a Calendar Year. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:

-On the Lord’s Day, once a year, this great nation of ours gathers in living rooms to celebrate the game of football and advertising excellence.

-We consume cheese in every form possible: shredded, hard, semi-soft, molten, spreadable, shaped into balls, or carved into cubes!

- By the bucketful we consume the wings of chickens breaded, deep-fried and bathed in fiery sauce of an unnaturally red color.

-Crockpots across the land bubble with meatballs, chilies, and cocktail weenies consumed by the dozens

-Beer from Milwaukee, beer from St. Louis, beer from independent micro-craft breweries is swilled with gusto at each yard gained, each down made.

We, therefore, the common people of the United States of America, in no particular congress, assembled solely by the internet, appealing to the Supreme Judges of our Nation for the rectitude of our intention, do, in the name, and by authority of the good sports fans of the land, solemnly publish and declare that this country is, and of right ought to be celebrating the Super Bowl as a National Holiday observed on the following Monday; that we are absolved from all duty to attend a full day’s work; and that all political opinions, religious beliefs, and regular season allegiances be put aside for 36 hours, that we, as one, may celebrate the God given gift that is the Super Bowl.

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of our First Amendment Rights, we mutually pledge to each other our friendships, our baked chip dips, our living rooms with big screen TVs, and our Sacred Honor.

Amen.

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

"I threw up in my mouth, but then I swallowed it back down!"

I'm so excited that the international tour has started so earl this season! Join Juan Pablo, the remaining ladies, and my slowly increasing inebriation this week in Seoul, South Korea.

Of course we open on the tender moments shared by Juan Pablo and Camila before they part ways for many moons. Camila is 4.5 and her object permanence in general is not good, so she does not exactly understand what's going on.

When Chris Harrison enters the mansion to tell the ladies they are going to Seoul, they scream and react like the girls on America’s Next Top Model. More than a few ANTM parallels this season.

“Korea?! I don’t even have a kimono!” Clare cries out to the gods, who of course do not hear her prayers because OBVIOUSLY kimonos are from Japan, and while it is geographically near Japan, South Korea has a completely different culture and traditional garb. GOD, CLARE. GET IT TOGETHER. (Sidebar: did a quick Google search and it turns out the Korean traditional garment is called a “hanbok”, is similar in certain ways to the kimono, but still different enough that Clare is an idiot and I win).

They play some pretty generic “Asia” music as JP walks around and talks about how excited he is to be and date somewhere new. The girls arrive and are actually pretty cute walking around smiling so huge to take in the sites. Now when I say their suite is plush, it is PLUSH. Why don’t they focus on how fun it is to be abroad in a plush-ass suite with new friends more?

Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki are on the first of two group dates this week. Nikki is extremely disappointed to be on a group date and not a one-on-one. She is not looking forward to it but at all.

The date is dancing to a popular K-Pop band called 2NE1 (pronounced “twenty-one”). They are Korean mega-stars that we of course have never heard of. The women are wearing athletic gear for this, for dancing is an athletic event. Juan Pablo is wearing a combination of harem pants + hammer pants. Somehow it works.

The queen bee of 2NE1 speaks absolutely perfect English and is really cool. Way cool. Cooler than I will ever be. I’m obsessed with her. Come back and teach me your ways. Everyone takes turns to show off their dance moves, some are better than others. Nikki just does mom-dancing to make up for how bad she is. It works. It’s charming.

Oh my God, Cool Girl is teaching them choreography. I’m so jealous. Kat is up on her high horse because she was a professional dancer and has been dancing forever. She actually says, “I’m the best”. Meanwhile sweet Cassandra is kicking ass because her most recent profession was also NBA Dancer. Kat’s on my last nerve.

Cool Girl and the rest of 2NE1 invite the women to their show that night to not only see the show but also to dance alongside them. That is legitimately pretty cool. Nikki is terrified because she’s not very good.

“I kinda wanna crap my pants. I hope we are performing for the South Korean School of the Blind” admits Nikki. Girl, I appreciate your realness as anyone would be muy nerviosa.

They get to have professional hair and makeup done and very cool, very K-Pop wardrobe that’s all neon and leopard print and sparkles. Nikki is still pissed that she sucks so bad at dancing and has to do this. Have at least a little fun in hair and makeup, Nik?

Now the night of the performance is upon us and, to be fair, it’s actually a mall show. But it is packed to the rafters. Cool Girl is obviously the Beyoncé/Harry Styles of the group because she takes the reins for the audience as well. Cool Girl calls the contestants up onto the stage to begin the routine, and I’m super embarrassed for these girls. It’s a bit of a hot mess: Kat is way too into herself, most of them don’t know the routine well enough, it’s a lot happening.

“If she would rather stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer for 2NE1, I think she should stay here,” Nikki sasses to camera. I love Nikki. Throw that shade girl. We are all thinking it.

After hearing the song a bunch all episode, I finally figure out how on Earth I know a K-pop song by the group 2NE1. It was part of the best routine all season on So You Think You Can Dance courtesy of Mark Kanemura, alien genius and choreographer extraordinaire. Click on this sentence to see the dance that will make you feel like an empowered high priestess from the future.

Back to the date! We are now at an absolutely stunning oasis of traditional Korean architecture where everybody settles in to have alone time with Juan. Kat pulls him aside first and tells JP that she’s not all just “fun and games”, and then shares that her father was an alcoholic his whole life and that he wasn’t a father at all. Thank God! Thank you for that VITAL piece of info which explains 100% of the reason you need constant love and attention and validation especially from men.

Nikki takes the time to shit on Kat a little bit to the other women there. Cassandra is like “no thanks” to drama and cattiness. Elise makes the grave, grave error of making sure that Juan Pablo’s eyes are open to the women still here who might not necessarily be good mothers. Never make the conversation about the other women being not good enough, Elise! That is a rookie move! That is a one-way ticket to the “crazy drama girl” zone and going home!

But in her one-on-one time, Nikki really shines with Juan Pablo. She seems to be very honest about things, and I can understand the difficult time she’s having. If I were around Kat, I would need to blow off steam about it too. But she also needs to be careful to not get the “mean girl” tag on her head.

Nikki gets the second date rose in a row and the other women are not happy. I really like Nikki and I think the other women need to take a step back and just focus on their individual “relationships” with this man.

Sharleen gets the sole (HA) one-on-one and the date card says “Are you my Seoul mate?” The Bachelor and I love word play. We get to watch a deeply unsexy shower with Juan Pablo and a zoom in on what I assume are supposed to be knockout abs. No need to objectify what isn’t even there.  What is interesting about this shower scene is that he reveals that Sharleen has been on his radar since day one and even says outright that she is his “favorite one”. He’s stoked for his date.

Sharleen is nervous but doesn’t know if Juan Pablo is “the one”. She is so stunning. Her eyebrows are just so strong and so, so beautiful on her beautiful face. The couple has fun wandering around a huge Korean market where they try on hanboks (HEY GUYS! THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT EARLIER!) and eat exotic foods. They move on to a traditional Korean tea house where Juan Pablo asks her all about her singing because he really wants to hear her sing. She’s demure and doesn’t want to. I get it. Opera singing is, by nature, super freaking loud. And whenever anyone tells you to do what you do on the spot it’s uncomfortable. I don’t walk up to you on the street and tell you “do my taxes!” so don’t command me to “tell a joke!” or “sing!” in this instance.

After they have changed into their eveningwear and are in the patio of a temple, Juan Pablo and Sharleen joke around and he kind of pushes her into singing. Finally he closes his eyes so she’s comfortable enough to sing. So she does. And she’s really amazing. And then they kiss because he’s super into her and she’s starting to open up a lot to him. Slowly but surely.

“My skepticism is fading rapidly,” is how Sharleen wraps up how her date with Juan Pablo went. That’s good! I love how she is being how a normal person would be in this. She is so open about not knowing whether or not Juan Pablo is the number one man in the world that she needs to be with forever. That’s normal! That’s how it SHOULD be! I’m Team Sharleen.

But queue the record scratch: Sharleen doesn’t want kids right now. She explains herself very well, and Juan Pablo is very understanding about it all. He really, really likes Sharleen though, so she gets the rose because she’s so different and has class and is so honest. They kiss, and of course we see her tongue. They stretch necks like giraffes across the table to kiss more. These two need to figure out how to kiss each other better.

Ok Group Date time! We have the remaining girls so that’s Renee, Lauren, Ali, Andi, Clare, and Kelly. They meet up with Juan Pablo in the middle of some street. Exploring Seoul with some crazy activities is the crux of the date, so I guess it’ll be vignettes of fun cultural things.

Up first is Karaoke in a private room. They jump around going crazy singing in Korean to random K-Pop songs. Then they do some snacking at a market. Then of course, OF COURSE, there’s a photo booth. Swan paddle boats get involved.

And then, oh then, they get those pedicures where the fish eat the dead skin off your feet. No. No, no. No, no, no, no. They are screaming like the rude Americans they are, and I am almost puking. The fish are all over their feet. I hate it. But this is where we all start to turn on Clare. She is very territorial and possessive of Juan Pablo. You can see the crazy predator look in her eyes when the other girls are talking or sitting next to him.

Back on the streets, Clare insists to Juan Pablo that she won’t eat anything crazy “like octopus”. So obviously the next stop on the “Krazy” train is to a street food vendor who sells octopus. Juan Pablo is in on the joke, and I admire him for forcing an American idiot try something new. Clare puts up the biggest fight, causing a scene amongst all these Koreans. The other women are not having her drama-mama attitude. She finally eats it in the most dramatic way you can imagine.

Ali makes a good point that octopus isn’t even that exotic. “You can get that at any Italian restaurant down the street in Chicago,” she points out. Ali is starting to grow on me. I hope she sticks around for a bit.

For night time, they go to the rooftop garden at the hotel they’re staying in. Kissing Juan Pablo is the topic du jour, and it’s fanning the flames of jealousy. As soon as he pulls Renee away first, the claws are out.

Renee is hoping this will be the perfect time to finally kiss Juan Pablo. I am too because if it doesn’t happen soon, she’s just going to be “the other mom” and a therapist rather than a romantic interest. They end up talking about kissing a lot, but he decides to “take a step back” so he can “set a good example for Camila”. Hmm…

Andi’s time is notable because he mentions how much he likes that she gets his sense of humor and can make him laugh too. Laughter is like, so important y’all. He calls her “bella” and she doesn’t know what that means. And that’s fine. But I still don’t understand how they didn’t tap a SINGLE Spanish major in this entire group. How?!

Lauren, the girl who rode up on the first night on a bike-piano and from whom we haven’t heard much else, is nervous about kissing him. She flat out asks Juan Pablo for a “beso” while they are dancing to no music, and he flat out says no because of Camila. She, of course, cries a little because it’s hard to get rejected to your face unlike the other women he hasn’t kissed because they weren’t so awkward about it, Lauren!

She’s crying in front of Juan Pablo now which is really, really awkward. Juan Pablo is across the board trying to hold back from kissing too any other women, and the other women have now seen the whole drama go down between Lauren and JP. Andi pulls her aside to cheer her up for a little pep talk and she feels better but still feels stupid.

Clare is still on the loose though, and now she’s got her alone time.

“Oh my god! I ate octopus!” she says first. And then, “You know what happened? I threw up in my mouth, but I swallowed it back down!” Romantic!

They talk more about not kissing each other but then Juan Pablo tells us that he is helpless against how sexy she is. I mean, fair, but Clare’s insane, so that’s coloring my view of her beauty. I mean, she is nuts.

In the end, after all that talking about kissing and not kissing, the rose goes to Andi whom he has kissed in the past but did not tonight. He really likes her, and so do I. This bodes well for Andi.

For the Rose Ceremony we are at an opulent Korean temple palace. It is honestly stunning. They lay the women out like a harem on red satin sofas and JP pulls Kelly aside first to talk. I have no idea about their relationship, but I relish Kelly’s candor and wry sense of humor. I need Kelly the “Dog Lover” to stay on this journey. But we don’t see Kelly’s conversation at all.

Clare’s conversation on the other hand we get to hear. She makes some great Miss America speeches about how stepping out of her comfort zone is worth it. And just as Clare starts talking about her dead dad again, Nikki approaches to talk to Juan Pablo despite having a rose. Clare. Is. Pissed. The other women are pissed. Nikki is sowing some bad blood.

Somehow the situation in the house comes up, and all of the sudden Nikki thinks that Clare was telling Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. Then Nikki is upset and then Clare comes to talk to Kelly and Nikki. It’s a lot of nonsense so I’ll boil it down:

Clare tells Nikki that seeing her one way around the women and another way around Juan Pablo is rubbing people the wrong way. Clare tells Nikki that that behavior doesn’t merit a rose so Nikki replies, “Well, you’re not handing out the roses.” So that’s that for now. Of course they will both stay around for a long time, so we need to remember this as the beginning of the feud.

At the end of the night there are roses to hand out. Sharleen, Nikki, and Andi are all safe already. Juan Pablo calls out the names in the following order: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle (I, TOO, FORGOT SHE WAS STILL HERE), Cassandra, Ali (who he always calls Alison), Clare, and the final rose goes to Kat. This means poor, awkward Lauren is going home as well as Elise. I told you, Elise. I warned you that bringing up anyone elses shit would get you here and I was right.

Next week they are off to a warmer clime in Vietnam! So now I must leave you until then. Of course you can, and should, find me over on Twitter @chasspod, and new recaps go up every Wednesday. ¡Un besote mis amores!

Im catching up on Juan's "journey" now and would just like to say that Elise is 27 and Chelsie is 24 and she's calling her a "baby". I also thought it was funny she was telling all this to CASSANDRA THE 21 YEAR OLD.

GIRL. I know it. The thing I frequently forget is that the ages of all the women aren't constantly being flashed across the bottom of a TV screen to the other contestants. So, Elise is just running her mouth to anyone who will listen to her not thinking for a hot second about how old anybody else may be, let alone that she might not be the "most mature" lady there.

Juan Pablo also very likely has little to no idea that Cassandra is but a wee tot herself, and I'm sure she was keeping her mouth shut tight when Elise was slamming Chelsie so hard for being young. Mother or not, 21 is YOUNG for a 32 year old guy. For any guy really. To marry. Don't get married at 21 kids. I've never once seen it end well. But I'm only 25, what the heck do I know? Practically nothing.

As for Elise: take a Xanax and relax and enjoy your all expenses paid trip around the world with your potential boyfriend and some new friends!

Not even joking tho Aaron Tveit can take off a hat he's been wearing while dancing and stuff and his hair just pops back into perfect shape like what the hell

These are facts. His hair is always like...

...I woke up like this. Flawless.

Henley Monday -

As much as Beyonce truly (really, truly) inspires me, I still need a little pick-me-up by way of a well dressed man. Enter Aaron Tveit in yet another beautiful plain black henley. I mean can his hair stop for like three seconds? Can it? I need it to take a break from being so perfect.

Beyonce Monday -

No explanation necessary. This is Beyonce's world and we are all just incredibly #blessed to be living in it. Bow down to the Queen Bey.

And remember this Monday, and all your other days: You have as any hours in each day as Beyonce.

Now go get it.

your bachelor recaps make my life. muchas graciassss!!!!

De nada mi amor!!! The fact that people read and enjoy them makes MY life, so we're even. We're just all in this big beautiful psychologically damaging journey to find love together.