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The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

Can you believe we’re only three weeks into Juan Pablo’s journey to love? I can’t. I also can’t believe the recent little homophobic comments he made and subsequently blamed on translation problems. I don’t know man, you can say “Holy moly macaroni” but you’ll chalk the other stuff up to confusion? No te creo, JP, no te creo. In any case, backwards mindsets aside, lets dive in, shall we?

After the tough time she had at the rose ceremony the night before, Cassandra gets the first one-on-Juan date, hand delivered to her by Chrarrison in world’s ugliest color-block shirt. She’s so surprised and elated while the rest of us are like “duh”. Do you think Juan Pablo knows she’s twenty-one or is his judgment clouded by his penis’ reaction to her?

Before the date we get to see Juan Pablo doing some extraordinarily mediocre parenting with Camila and his mom and dad in a park. Camila is being a little brat and does not want to eat chicken. Juan Pablo physically wrangles her into eating it. Then he sends her away and Cassandra arrives.

They hop into a brightly colored jeep that looks like one of the Jurassic Park cars only without a top. As they drive along the water in Long Beach, Cassandra tells us that she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18 years-old which checks out because she had a kid at 19 and is now 21. But it’s not like it’s some huge, revelatory moment like if she was 30 and hadn’t been on a date in twelve years. She’s a college junior! That is how old she is! Remember yourself as a college junior?!

“Cassandra just loves the water, so I definitely have to give her what she wants,” Juan tells us. Like, ew, man. Gross, dude. Harshing my jam, bro. Please don’t ever say “I have to give her what she wants” as it pertains to water sport or really ever. As Cassandra wildly speculates on what they’ll be doing (Paddleboarding? Canoeing? Yachting? Shut up?), JP pounds the gas and drives straight into the canal. It’s a duck-boat!

“I thought it was a car, but now I’m just thinking this is like from the movies right now,” explains Cassandra who has no idea of what constitutes a car vs. a boat vs. both. Then a saccharine pop song that sounds like it could be on the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack plays over them jetting around on the water, having a blast.

Meanwhile, back at the mansions, Renee is once again having an intimate chat with one of the other women. Elise is telling her about how her mom wrote a letter to submit Elise to the Bachelor but got so sick that she wasn’t able to send it in. She feels like it was destiny that she found the letter to submit herself for the Bachelor, and that her mom made it all happen.

Before realizing that she’s died though, Renee asks if Elise’s mom is ok now. Elise’s response: “No, she passed away babe.” SHE PASSED AWAY, BABE. She passed away, babe. What is wrong with me, or really the people on this show that they keep making me laugh with the way they explain how their parents have died? First Clare with “there was something wrong with his brain and that something was brain cancer” and now “she passed away, babe”????? Who’s next? Who else would like to tell me “My dog loved to run. He loved to run so much he ran into the street and a car RAN him over”??

Back to the date, the duck-boat-car does pull up to a big yacht where Cassandra and JP have a nice time relaxing and swimming and making out in the water a little. She, of course, says she’s going to just “jump in” with Juan Pablo over a clip of them jumping into the water. Classic.

This date has a third act taking place at Juan Pablo’s bachelor pad where they will cook dinner together and dance in the kitchen. Cassandra has now said “this is my first date in three years” or “first date since I was 18” about six times. I’m not exaggerating. YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT TO BE A BIG DEAL. UGGGH. WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS SHE SAID IT AGAIN!

They finish off the date eating chocolate bon-bons by an outdoor fire. Before he hands the rose out, I feel like he might not give it to her. The whole time everyone, even other girls, have been emphasizing to us that if he doesn’t feel there’s a future, he will send Cassandra home to her kid. But she gets the rose. Here are the things Juan Pablo likes about Cassandra: she’s beautiful, she’s funny, she dances. Cool list, bro.

Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki are going on a group date that says “Let’s kick it!” They are obviously playing soccer. Elise is really hoping she gets the one-on-one though, especially because she thinks of Chelsie as a child.

The date is of course, soccer themed, and they are playing some fútbol at the LA Galaxy stadium. Some of the girls, like Alli, are super excited to play alongside JuanPa, and some of the girls, like Kelly, are feeling a little unathletic and nonplussed. I’m with you, Kell.

They practice warm ups and training exercises, and I’m like, ugh, no thanks. I graduated high school solely to be done with gym class. After practice, the girls split into the fabled Red and Blue teams to battle each other. They come out looking intense but have written Juan Pablo’s nae all over their bodies. Ladies, you are all better than writing the same guys name on your bodies.

Even with a game going on, they are not doing the “losing team goes home, winner continues on the date” thing which is such a breath of fresh air. The game gets intense and poor Sharleen is getting hit over and over again in the face, stomach, face, arm, face again! Poor Sharleen. Even JP manages to knock her down.

After the game that it looks like most of the girls actually enjoy, they go change for the dinner portion. They stay at the stadium, so everyone is pulling him aside to different parts of the stadium. Nikki has a great chat, but she’s disappointed and worried that they don’t kiss.

Andi and Juan jump into the concession stand to hang out. They mostly kiss and don’t talk as much. Danielle shares that she was adopted, Lucy and he chat, Christy is there doing something I guess but they have not showed her one single time. I forgot she was there.

Then Sharleen and he set up a little blanket on the field in plain view of all the other lionesses. They both say that the time they share feels “organic”, and honestly I have to agree. She isn’t as Miss America as the other women when they talk, and he is so obviously smitten with her.

Then he moves in to kiss her.

Sharleen retracts her neck and extends her tongue into the kiss. Am I painting enough of the awkward picture? Even when she goes in for the second one, she sticks her tongue into his mouth first and then finishes off with her lips and other face parts. What is this? My roommate did an impression of it, and I have to say it looks a lot like my famous iguana impression that I do while eating lettuce. Sharleen kisses like an iguana eating lettuce. It’s gross.

Even after that very intimate and beautiful moment, Nikki gets the date rose because he likes himself a hot blond. Sharleen and Andi  are none too pleased.

Much to Elise’s shagrin, the one-on-Juan date goes to Chelsie. “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants,” she quips. Whatever Elise, relax.

Chelsie is excited for her one-on-Juan date today. Elise is incredibly jealous and thinks Chelsie is like a child and doesn’t deserve to be a single-mom yet. Ok, Elise, put the claws away. The date card said “Do you trust me?” which is a bad sign in terms of signing a safety waiver. But first they just car dance to some fun music and then go to a Venezuelan restaurant. Chelsie is adorable. She reminds me face-wise of a girl I know and I think that’s why I’m in instantly fond of her.

Oh God. Oh no. Oh god oh no. They walk out to the middle of a bridge over a river, and of course Fear Factor Bachelor continues with a tandem bungee jump. Chelsie is freaked out but is doing ok until they get to the platform edge where they need to dive from. And then she has a panic attack. Because it’s TERRIFYING TO JUMP FROM A BRIDGE. Even if you’re a thrill seeker, you can’t denying that jumping from a bridge goes against every instinct that has been bred in us since we first started walking upright. This poor girl. I bet she’s contractually obligated to do it too, just like Andi and that nude photo shoot last week.

Juan Pablo comforts her like he would comfort Camila. He keeps insisting that she looks at him and then he says, “Just do it for me.” And now I’m a screaming rage-ball again. Just like posing nude for an unnamed and rather dubious DOG foundation, I don’t feel like this poor girl needs to bungee jump for a bridge to prove her ability to love and be a good partner. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell is this show? Juan Pablo is insane. I’m almost at my wits end

He does say that whatever she wants to do is ok and if she doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to. I can hear how scared she is, and she sheds a few tears. I appreciate that she is very real in how scared she is to do this. And after saying “just do it for me” Juan Pablo does end up being actually helpful and less coercive.

I guess his calming platitudes work because they do it! They jump! And then they Spiderman kiss hanging upside down! Then both of them use it as a metaphor for love! It IS like jumping off a bridge together!!!!

Oh Chelsie. You are cute as a button and do seem to be quite young, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be sticking around for at least a few of the stops on the upcoming international tour. Oh, oh ok there is still the dinner portion of this date to get through in downtown Pasadena. Oh I thought the date was over. Oh ok. Got it.

Chelsie tells us she’s the black sheep of her family for being a teacher in a family of doctors. The only thing Juan Pablo knows how to talk about is being a single dad though? Chelsie keeps trying to make him talk about himself and he’s like SOY PAPÁ. And then she gets the rose for cuteness and bravery.

Second private concert of the season on only the second week of one-on-Juan dates! Who’s this guy? Some country singer? He’s super hot. He’s wearing a henley. It’s Billy Currington. That’s fine. Billy Currington can stay.

The next day, the day of the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Juan Pablo sneaks into the house to cook traditional Venezuelan “arepas” for everyone. It’s like a deluxe breakfast burrito. Just then, Kelly walks through the kitchen to walk Molly and runs away as quickly as she can to fix her face and put on a bra. One by one, the ladies come downstairs to join JP in the kitchen and just have a chill ass morning. It’s so chill.

It continues to be, like, super chill when JP eschews the cocktail party in favor of a pool party. It’s fun to see which girls hurry to put on makeup and fix their hair along with putting on their bathing suits. But as the previews have shown us, the chill good time vibes are about to go away as tensions rise and everyone turns a shade of jealous green.

Kat immediately puts on the Big Breasted Blonde show for JP and the other girls do not take so kindly to her.

“Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for like 20 minutes,” Kelly deadpans in response to them doing chicken fights in the pool.  Kelly has become the absolute number one source of comedic commentary on this show. Who knew? The “Dog Lover” as a professional is astute with an acerbic sense of humor.

Sharleen is really affected by Kat putting on such a show when the cameras are around. When she talks to Juan Pablo about how she’s having a hard time with it, she ends up crying. I feel like its genuine. But then of course he moves in to comfort her, and of course they end up sucking face.  But lo! The other girls can see! And everyone is getting hot and bothered like a pack of hungry lionesses.

Clare especially is having a hard time. Such a hard time in fact that she behaves as Camila would and runs away from everyone else to lock herself in the bathroom. Everyone is throwing the words “process” and “journey” around like hot cakes. Oh WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT! SOMEONE IS IN NEED AND RENEE IS ONCE AGAIN THERE!

She’s such a great person who comforts and helps everyone with a listening ear that I’m beginning to think she’s a therapist the producers brought in as a ringer to help all these women. Outside the bathroom, the other women acknowledge that Clare is a “ticking time bomb” of high strung emotion. They agree with me that Clare is always at a 15 and needs to be at a solid 9 for her own happiness.

Of course the next thing they show is Juan Pablo calming Clare down from her 17.5 temper tantrum of not being able to handle “the process”. JP seems to really like her still, so at this point Clare is Clare’s worst enemy.

Rose ceremony time. Cassandra, Nikki, and Chelsie all have roses from their previous date. Who’s in at the ceremony: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle.

Wow. With Danielle whom we’ve heard practically nothing from, Juan Pablo sends home Christy the hot mess who never quite got her foundation figured out, and more importantly Lucy! Lucy who kind of grew on me after last episode. I think in the end he probably just realized she wasn’t really ready to be a mother, but Lucy will land on her feet. I have no doubt. Her “best friend Kate Upton” will surely be able to help her get back out there and find love.

Next week begins the international traveling and they are once again taking a tour of Asia. I believe South Korea is up first, and we’ll see how everyone’s nerves do with jet lag and culture shock! Until next time, I’ll be over on twitter @Chasspod and back in your hearts and homes next Wednesday. ¡Besos!

Henley Monday -

Happy day everyone! I'll make this short and sweet. This is Robert Downey Jr mugging the shit out of the camera in a henley and a blazer and a freaking scarf because Robert Downey Jr is elegant and classy AF. GET ON HIS LEVEL!

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

"That's what life's about. Straddling people. And Things."

We'll get to that quote a little later, but it was just so beautiful and perfect that I needed it to be emboldened, front and center. I might need it air brushed onto a t-shirt. Let's all remember that lil dollop of wisdom as we continue on this entire "adventure" to find love.

They waste no time jumping to the first one-on-one date with Clare. You remember Clare. She faked a pregnancy to meet the man to whom she wants to show her Dead Dad DVD. Clare is over the moon excited for this date.

“I know it sounds crazy, but this could be my first date with my future husband!” she beams to camera. I need Clare to take it down about 6 notches. She’s at about a 15, and I need her at a solid 9.

Juan Pablo blindfolds her which according to the girls is CRAZY! WILD! SO UNPREDICTABLE! And he whisks her away in his car. They arrive at a spectacular winter wonderland with snow covered pines and twinkling lights. It’s pretty stunning. Clare is giggling and laughing and beaming and squealing. She’s now at about an 18. To see her so excited makes Juan Pablo feel “bedder manna meelion bucks” (better than a million bucks).

They sled! They skate! Clare drops the first “fairy tale” of the season! And Juan Pablo dutifully reminds us that this is also his first ever one-on-one date. All told, it’s a pretty good one. I approve. We’re hearing a lot of very emotional words from Clare, and I’m scared she’s gonna be the psycho who falls in love way too quickly.

“I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long time,” she says. Oh, boy. I’m worried about this. She is near tears 90% of the time. Even when describing the way he “slithers into the spa”. I can’t Clare. I need you at a 9, and you are at a 15 and above at all times.

And you’re even higher than a 15 when you are intimately massaging Juan Pablo while almost crying talking about your Dead Dad. “Unless you’re gonna come in and be like a wonderful positive thing in my life, I will wait forever for that right one.” Um, is that a threat, Clare?

Also all during that, Juan did not pick up on the fact that her dad has died so when he asks about the story of her necklace, she has to talk even more about her Dead Dad. You can see his gears turning so, so fast trying to understand and make her feel comfortable.

“If you had a father that treated you like a princess, you will want a man who treats you like a princess,” Juan Pablo explains. Then he gets the rose to bring to Clare, who is still in the hot tub. “I’m having a very, very much good time with you. It was pretty, pretty much increíble,” are the words he chooses to express himself. I feel it important to tell you that anything I ever transcribe from Juan Pablo is exact because the way he chooses his words is hilarious and amazing.

OH DID YOU THINK THE DATE WAS OVER? NOPE. PRIVATE CONCERT. THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR A PRIVATE CONCERT ON THE BACHELOR. THIS ONE IS COURTESY OF JOSH KRAJCIK WHO I GUESS WAS ON THE X FACTOR. THANKS, JOSH!

Once again we’re making a quick transition over to Kat for her one on one date with Juan Pablito. Kat was not very memorable from night one, so I’m interested to see what she’s like other than pretty and blond. She, too, is flipping her lid that she is really going on this date today.

Juan Pablo picks her up at the mansion in his sick ass Tesla (I hope it’s not the kind that spontaneously combusts). The next mode of transportation they take is a private jet! No thank you! That seems way too involved for a single date!

JP excuses himself for a second to get some “soo-price-ess” (surprises) that are clues for the date. While he’s gone, Kat day dreams out the window that perhaps they’re taking a TRANSCONTINENTAL FLIGHT ON A PRIVATE JET THE SIZE OF PICK UP TRUCK. No Kat, you’re not going to Miami. And no Kat, you’re not going to New York City where it’s “kind of private and just the two of you” because that’s also not a thing in addition to a 5+ hour flight.

After a costume change into crazy neon outfits complete with flashing LED lights, they land in Salt Lake City, Utah. As night falls they run down a path that’s lighting up with colors as they go, and the trees are blinking with neon umbrellas stuck in them and they finally reach a screaming crowd because this date is yours and my collective nightmare: a 5K Electric Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Kat and Juan Pablo are the official kick starters of the race, so off they go. I would die. I would literally fake my death in order to get out of going on a five kilometer jog as a first date with a guy. I guess some of you psychos genuinely enjoy jogging and physical fitness, but I swear to the Lord Who Made Me if anyone ever sprung recreational jogging on me I will kill myself or him Amen.

There is electronic music blasting and people are screaming as they run. There are regularly spaced dance breaks. And I guess if I weren’t the kind of indoor-kid troll that I am, I would enjoy that date. And Kat is yet another former NBA dancer in the house so they look like they have fun. And boy can you guys even imagine the number of times they use electricity as a metaphor for love?!?! So many you could fuel a small city with their power HA HA HA.

After the finish line, there is a massive, I’m thinking genuinely about 15,000 people grouped together for a huge dance party that Kat and Juan Pablo basically MC by dancing on stage with the DJ. After once again announcing, “I am having a good time!!!” Juan Pablo picks up the rose and gives it to Kat over the roars of the audience. Good for them. But did they get to know each other enough over the sensual dancing and music? We’ll have to wait and see.

Now for the group date we have Chelsea, Christie, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Everyone is the same mixed bag of excitement versus nervous. Lucy is worried about getting his attention without flashing her boobs. Really.

“The date card said ‘Say Cheese’. So, I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I don’t know. I’m good at either one,” Kelly blankly slurs into camera. That line is hilarious, so you get a pass for dead eyes and “dog lover” as your occupation for now, Kell.

They are, of course, doing a photo shoot, as per Bachelor tradition that the first group date be camera involved (Sean’s romance novel covers, Desiree’s “music” video, etc). A ghoul with an electric blue goatee emerges as the photo shoot’s creative director. I’m pretty sure he’s actually from the Capital. So Caesar Flickerman informs the girls that this will be for charity and they will have special partners. It’s dogs. The special partners are dogs. Everyone is rightly out of their minds with joy upon entering a room full of dogs just waiting to be loved and played with.

Then a nameless leader tells us about how Models for Mutts helps raise awareness of pet adoptions via sexy photo shoots with dogs? This is surely another citizen of the Capital. The other guy she’s with can stay though. He’s actually from a charity called Best Friends Animal Society that is working to get pets adopted while working to make every shelter a no-kill shelter. So he’s fine. Effie Trinket can leave.

This is all too America’s Next Top Model for me. All of the sudden, Caesar Flickerman starts maniacally laughing and saying “Oooh! Oooh!” as he hands Elise and Andi their wardrobe. Which is just a piece of foam core. Yes. It’s a piece of thick card board.

“A photo shoot is not my comfort zone. Being nude is not my comfort zone…I mean I send people to jail every day for a living!” Andi laments to camera. And she’s RIGHT. SHE’S A MOTHER F***ING FEDERAL PROSECUTOR WHO SENDS GANG MEMBERS TO JAIL EVERY DAY. IN ATLANTA. ATLANTA! SHE DOES NOT, FOR ANY TV SHOW, MAN, OR CHARITY, HAVE TO WEAR A PIECE OF CARDBOARD IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO.

Elise doesn’t have to either, but she quickly trades with Lucy who is more than comfortable wearing no clothes in front of many people. Oh, but I should mention that when Elise tries to talk to Caesar Flickerman about how she’s a first grade teacher and wants to be a good role model he replies, “It’s not about what you are wearing that makes a good role model. It’s about what you are doing for charity. Ok, sweetheart? Thank you so much!” and WALKS THE F*** AWAY. LIKE A CHAUVINISTIC ASS HOLE. If Lucy is comfortable being nude, that’s great. More power to her. But if Elise, in any way, feels that uncomfortable or that this is not a good thing, then fine. She should not have to do it.

The photo shoot starts. There are lifeguards and bikinis and Elise traded nudity for a fire hydrant which she still complains about. Kelly on the other hand is bald and painted like a mangy dog, so she does not have time for Elise. “Are you kidding me? Wear the f***ing fire hydrant and shut the f*** up. Seriously.” Kelly. Stop it. You’re being awesome.

Andi is still freaking out in the background though. Finally, Juan Pablo comes over to help smooth things out. He reassures her that he’s nervous too, but he’s going to be nude right alongside her. When he’s talking to her, it seems like a lot less pressuring and forcing her to do it, and she ends up deciding to do it because it’s for a good cause. “You wanted an ‘aventura’ and you’re definitely getting an ‘aventura’ with this!” she teases him. Andi’s the best, y’all.

Oh and at no point in the entire episode is any screen with additional information on either charity. Seems like a worthy cause to potentially compromise your morals for.

What group date would be complete without a beautiful cocktail party at a roof top pool?

Cassandra pulls Juan Pablo away first and is very nervous to tell him that she has a son. She is a 21 year-old former NBA dancer who has a two year-old son. Huh. Ok. That’s a lot to process. Juan is very taken with her though and called her “elegant and cute” at the photo shoot.

Obviously the talk about her having a kid goes well, and Juan Pablo is even more enamored of her than before. In other mom news, Renee is gunning for a kiss in her quiet time with Juan. It doesn’t happen, but Renee is great. I’m hopeful for her.

Meanwhile, back at the poolside as everyone has had a glass of wine to calm their nerves, Victoria has had several. She’s being a little wackadoo, so Nikki decides to pull her aside and level with her, girl to girl.

“You need to tone it down. I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” whispers Nikki.

“Why? I just got here! I’m not hammered,” slurrrrrs out Victoria.

Smash cut to Victoria rolling around in her interview chair spewing out such beautiful words of wisdom as “If Juan Pablo were mine, I would just straddle him all the time. Because that’s what life’s about: straddling people. And things.” And other hits like “Kelly told me she wants to put a bark collar on me because I’m too loud!” Victoria cray, y’all.

Nikki is up next for one-on-one time. Juan Pablo really likes Nikki and especially likes that she is a hot pediatric nurse. While they are talking though, we are never far from Hurricane Victoria.

“Today I gave Juan Pablo the hymen [SIC] maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that,” Victoria says while pushing her boobs together for the camera. At this point Lucy the Nudist has pointed out that you are acting crazy, and that means it’s time to lock it up.

Things then very quickly go downhill. Victoria runs to find Juan Pablo and sees him talking to Nikki. She then turns and runs away. “Uh-oh, she’s had a little bit a LOT to drink?” Juan Pablo posits. She then runs past all the girls, manages to grab a swim cover up, and flees to the bathroom handicap stall where she locks the door and starts sobbing.

Renee, mother of an 8 year-old boy, saint, and all-around great woman goes to try and comfort her. Renee is so patient and so kind with an unreasonable drunk person who is so drunk at this point, she’s less rational than Renee’s 8 year-old. So determined is Renee to help this girl that she crawls under the bathroom stall door. Victoria basically just wants to go home and keeps saying, “I’m done!”

Then she burst out of the ladies room! She runs straight to the elevator bank but is met head on by none other than Elan Gale. He stops her because she’s not clothed, or shoed, or in any state of mind whatsoever to be on the streets of LA. She just keeps saying, “I’m done! I’m going home!” and Elan Gale keeps saying, “I understand you’re done. You can go home. But I have to get you a plane ticket. I have to get you a taxi cab. I can’t just let you go. It’s for your own safety!”

Victoria is having NONEYA BULLSH*** ELAN GALE! SHE STORMS OFF BACK TO HER HANDICAP STALL OF SOLITUDE TO RIDE OUT THE STORM!

Lucy very sweetly comes to tell JP about the situation with Victoria. I’m starting to like Lucy against every single other instinct I have. When JuanPa tries to go talk to Victoria she just completely shuts him down and is having a temper tantrum. He, very wisely, just walks away.

The date rose ends up going to Kelly for being the best sport of the day having the butt ugliest costume for the photo shoot. Juan Pablo makes the girls promise that Victoria gets home safe so that he can talk to her tomorrow.

Next day: it’s a hotel room. Victoria has stayed there overnight. Juan Pablo arrives to talk things over. She still wears the cover up and swimsuit from the ill-fated night before. Basically she apologizes and tries to be cutesie saying “Welcome to Brazil!” And he’s like “haha no, crazy lady” He actually says, “I’m 32. With a daughter,” and peaces out on her. Good for you Juan Pablo. Ain’t no daddy got time for that.

Alright here’s the quick rose ceremony wrap up because this feels like the longest episode in history:

·         Amy L makes a fool of herself doing a fake news interview with Juan Pablo

·         Sharleen warms up a bit to JP and apologizes for being a weirdo and saying “sir” a lot when she got the first impression rose

·         Cassandra is freaking out because she misses her son and is 21 so can’t process emotions

·         Renee comforts her because Renee is the best

·         Then Juan Pablo comforts her because Juan Pablo really likes Cassandra so she’ll stay for now, but we’ll see how long she can hold up under the pressure of being away from her baby (which is totally fair)

·         Who’s in: Kat, Kelly, Clare (from their dates) Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and finally Christy whose foundation continues to be two shades darker then her body.

·         Who’s out: Victoria, obviously, Chantel whose fate was sealed when they kept cutting to her for her two cents during the episode, and Amy L our intrepid reporter.

·         What’s next: SO MUCH! So much more drama and romance. See you next week.

·         Twitter: @Chasspod

·         Kisses and hugs

Two Recomendations In One!

I often find myself clicking endlessly through Netflix trying to find something, anything to watch that matches my mood. I love a good documentary as much as the next socially conscious functioning member of society in her mid-twenties, but those can sometimes be so dark and downtrodden. When I’ve just come home from a particularly hard day at work, I don’t really have the peace of mind to watch FORGIVING DR. MENGELE which has been on my queue for two years. It’s in those times that I find myself craving a certain “je ne sais quoi” in viewing: nothing too heavy, but not so light that I lose interest.

Enter Linda Holmes. Who’s that now? That’s Linda Holmes, head writer and editor of NPR’s pop culture blog Monkey See. At least, that’s how she intros herself on the weekly pop culture round table podcast she hosts called POP CULTURE HAPPY HOUR. It’s a terrific cast of characters from NPR Music’s Stephen Thompson, theater and movie critic Trey Graham, and the ever ebullient Glen Weldon who writes about books and comic books for the NPR website. Each week they discuss a few carefully curated topics ranging from current affairs to things like “Pop Culture to which All Children Should Be Exposed”. My favorite part comes at the end of each 45-55 minute episode, however, when they discuss “What is Making You Happy This Week?”, a chance for each contributor to mention something in the zeitgeist that is making them happy in which the listener can also partake.

A few weeks ago Linda Holmes had sent out a few wayward tweets regarding a show called MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES that had come recommended to her. Shortly after, MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES came up as Linda’s choice for what was making her happy that week. Despite having VASTLY different opinions on the most recent HOBBIT film, Linda Holmes has never led me astray in a pop culture recommendation. So when I read the IMDb byline of the show, I knew I had to watch.

It reads: Our lady sleuth sashays through the back lanes and jazz clubs of late 1920's Melbourne, fighting injustice with her pearl-handled pistol and her dagger sharp wit.

What else could you possibly want or need in a TV show? All thirteen episodes of the first of two seasons are streaming on Netflix, so the task isn’t monumental. It’s a costume drama; so even with riveting stories and charisma absolutely bursting through the screen, it’s beautiful to look at. And for me, it is a thrilling look into history in a part of the world I honestly don’t know much about.

There’s romance; there’s murder; there’s fashion; there’s dancing; there’s a pair of communist cab drivers; there’s a lesbian, cross-dressing surgeon; there’s a ladies maid who overcomes her fear of the telephone; there’s intrigue! There’s everything, INCLUDING a dashing, devilishly handsome and masculine police inspector Detective Jack Robinson.

Miss Phryne Fisher is the embodiment of a Roaring Twenties, 20th century woman. I powered through the first six episodes in one day, and then loved it so much that I slowly and deliberately took a full week to watch the remaining seven episodes. I cannot recommend this show highly enough, especially to those of you between television “projects”. If you’ve just finished BREAKING BAD and are about to endeavor upon DEXTER, MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES might just be the perfect palate cleanser you’ve been looking for. Or, if you just need thirteen episodes of pure delight, there’s no way you can miss out on this fabulous show.

I would, of course, also be remiss in failing to mention that POP CULTURE HAPPY HOUR has provided pop culture enjoyment in dividends in the three years I've been listening to it. Really wonderful stuff.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone. I'm so hungover today I feel like I've been impregnated by a Dementor. I feel that close to a soulless, trance-like existence that is worse than death. Please accept this picture of repeat offender Chris Pine with his piercing blue eyes in a henley as payment for my soul back please.

I'll be over here in the dark with a cold compress and lots of tea.

I love you all.

Class dismissed.

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, WELL, WELL, WELL! As faithfully as the seasons change THE BACHELOR is back on TV screens across America, and for the fourth season, I am back to faithfully recap all the shenanigans and minimal romance for you. To those of you returning to me, welcome back! To first time readers, thanks for joining the noble ranks!

I can tell you in post that this premier episode had the highest ratings for The Bachelor in three years. That is thanks, in no small part, to the extensive publicity campaign ABC launched to promote Juan Pablo, going so far as to coin the buzzword “Juan-uary”. It is of course also due to the fact that Juan Pablo Galavis is sexy as all get out and a completely charming Latino-Americano.  But enough of the mechanics, let’s get started with Juan Pablo on his journey to love!

We kick right off with shots of Juan Pablo posing for photographs and jogging with his shirt off as he voices over how great his life is with his daughter, family, and job in Miami but the one thing he’s missing…is LOVE! JP has a beautiful four year old daughter named Camila whom he loves very much, but wants to find a mom for her and start makin’ babies.  “It’s all about destiny…you have to be in the same place at the same time and be of the same mind,” he says about finding love. Cheers to him improving his English.

And now for some sage advice on being El Bachelor, Juan Pablo invites none other than Sean Lowe over to his bachelor pad. After world’s cutest playtime with Camila, the dudes settle in to have some real talk about “the process”. Most notably, Juan Pablo is not too keen on calling it a “journey”, so he and Sean decide together to call it an “adventure”. Adventure is the new journey, y’all!

“What’s your kissing strategy?” Sean asks. Juan Pablo just makes an awkward little face and shrugs. Sean’s advice is to “feel it in the moment” which, sure, but more importantly he warns to not kiss someone in front of the other girls because he got in big trouble for that. Somehow I have a feeling this advice will not be followed to the letter?

We leave our two bro-dudes with a beautiful story of how Sean and Catherine have love that lasts in the real world because one time his dogs got sprayed by a skunk and at 2am, they scrubbed down the dogs in the backyard and all Sean could think was that Catherine is his forever person. OK. THAT’S. NICE. Their wedding is at the end of this month. Hooray Sean and Catherine!

Chris Harrison in his suit and tie is back out in front of that disease ridden, blue-lit mansion!!! I feel so safe here. Let’s stay awhile. Oh we have to meet some of the women first? Ok fine let’s get the crazy train off the rails.

Chelsie, a 24 year old science teacher from Columbus, Ohio, is up first. Chelsie says the main way her family would describe her is “very silly”, which is a great, great quality to highlight in yourself as an adult. Still, Chelsie is pretty cute and is trying to learn Spanish despite saying “ar-mor” instead of “amor” repeatedly.

Renee from Sarasota is paddle boarding into frame now! She’s 32 just like Juan Pablo and has an 8 year old son. She is calm, cool, and collected in her package. I like Renee. We are off to a good start.

Andi is a GANG PROSECUTOR IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA. She is INCREDIBLY beautiful and obviously, incredibly intelligent. I LIKE ANDI. NOBODY F*** WITH ANDI.

Next up we have Amy an incredibly terrifying joy monster who claims to be a message therapist. We see her heavily breathing while kneeling on the buttocks of what we can only hope is one of her clients. She could not be chewing the scenery more and ends the whole thing by falling over in orgasmic pleasure when she says the name “Juan Pablo”. She seems sane.

Nikki does actually seem sane and like a normal human. She’s a 26 year old pediatric nurse who is very pretty and well-spoken. She wants love that lasts forever, can you believe it? Still though, she’s sweet and pretty and a smart nurse.

Lauren H from Oklahoma is “25”, but really I think “35” might be a better guess. She is “incredibly blessed” in her life but her love life is no bueno. Lauren spins us the yarn of how a little over ONE YEAR ago, she MET a man and they got ENGAGED and SIX WEEKS LATER he CALLED HER AT WORK to break off the engagement. I can’t even fathom that timeline y’all. You cannot, cannot, cannot meet someone and get engaged to them and then be dumped by that person with enough time to heal to then go on the Bachelor to find love. Lauren H., you crazy.

Valerie is a 26 year old personal trainer from a farm town who says she’s incredibly competitive in addition to being very, very pretty. Her words, not mine. She also calls all the other girls as ugly as goats, but not to worry because ugly people need love too. She seems chill.

Now, at 25 Lacey is the proprietor of an elderly care facility especially those with special needs because that’s the example her family set for her by adopting eight other special needs kids. Are you kidding, Lacey? Are you kidding with the amount of goodness in your heart that you’re putting into the world? This show finds some crazies, but also some real Miss America contenders.

And finally we have Claire who is part Mexican, but is plagued by the death of her father still. “There was something wrong in his brain, and we found out he had brain cancer,” Claire nods to camera. Which…let’s just start by saying that is very sad and I am sorry for her loss but…this is a hilarious way to describe what brain cancer is. ANYHOW, he passed away, but not before making a DVD to Claire’s future husband that remains unwatched until she finds that right man. Ten bucks says that DVD comes out by week three.

Alright! Enough with the video packages! Let’s get those women out on a water soaked stone driveway in front of a mansion embarrassing themselves meeting Juan Pablo! Because of such popular demand, there will be 27 women starting off this season rather than the traditional 25. Cool, I guess?

Amy L., a local news reporter from Florida is out first.  She looks nice in a sparkly red dress. Next is Cassandra who is TWENTY ONE and a former NBA dancer. They share an awkward silence because HER BRAIN IS STILL FORMING BECAUSE SHE’S A CHILD. Christy from Chicago is wearing the white satin prom dress that all the girls in my high school wore to prom in 2006. JP says he is liking this first leemo. Now it’s Christine in a slamming green dress who brings a cute little bracelet for Camila. Ok, here comes Nikki that cute pediatric nurse who is wearing a tight, low cut, low back dress and she is working it. She does a cute bit with a stethoscope for Juan Pablo to hear how fast her heart is beating with excitement. I would say it goes well because when she walks away Juan Pablo bites his hand as if to say “AYAYAY! MUY CALIENTE!”

The next limo pulls up and Juan Pablo whimpers out “they’re screaming…”  Out comes Kat who does a little salsa step with him, and Juan remarks to an off screen producer that she smells really good. And Chantel one of our first women of color is up, who impresses our bachelor with a great pronunciation of his name after belittling him with how to pronounce Chantel. Victoria is Brazilian which is just unfair to the rest of us, but she’s wearing a sparkly yellow tarp for a dress so that levels out the playing field a little.

Oh Christ. We pan up from a pair of bare feet getting out of the limo as we meet Lucy. A 24 year old “Free Spirit” that Juan Pablo remarks is “so cute.” No. Not so cute, Juan Pablo. So horrible. So loathsome. She is wearing one of those stupid flower crowns. I hope she free spirits some water from a hose and gets hepatitis A or whichever one just gives you screaming diarrhea for a month.

I’m quickly assuaged by Danielle’s entrance. She is another woman of color wearing an incredible dress that makes her look like Athena Goddess of War. I will be calling her Athena. She’s a psychiatric nurse. Danielle can stay.

And then a thing happens that I’m not even sure I have the skills to describe to you. A girl struggles up the driveway on what I can only describe as a piano bicycle that she has clearly never ridden/played before. Juan Pablo runs to her aid! Then he runs back to wait for her when she assures him she’s “got it”! Then she pulls up on her piano bike and plays a song that’s a song with notes. She messes up because it’s a PIANO ON A BIKE. She’s a composer who says that she just wanted him to know that music is her passion “musica es mi vida”. KILL ME with all the terrible Spanish happening right out of the gate. She walks away and Juan runs after her into the mansion to learn that her name is Lauren.

Chelsie the cute science teacher gets out next and does a little bit about instead of “doing chemistry” they should make some chemistry of their own. She throws some test tubes in the bushes which is littering and not very environmentally friendly, miss science teacher.

Valerie that snippy personal trainer comes out wearing cowboy boots with her gown to show how down to earth she is. Why do women always do this? Wearing cowboy boots with a gown is ZERO indication of your chill level and very good indicator that everyone should hate you. Elise comes out and she’s a pretty blond but most important is that her hometown is Forty Fort, Pennsylvania. Ashley comes out with a gold star sticker for Juan Pablo because she’s a first grade teacher.

Then we hear some grunting and sighing as Claire struggles out of the limo wearing a lovely pink dress and A FAKE BABY BELLY. OH CLAIRE, YOU SEEMED SO ALMOST NORMAL AND NOW YOU’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND. “HAHAHA I’M PREGNANT JK,” IS, IN MY EXPERIENCE, NOT A GREAT PICKUP LINE. Juan Pablo is trying to be so diplomatic but his internal panic is written on his handsome face. When she asks if he wants to feel she then reveals, “It’s so not real! It’s a little lumpy for a baby, right?!”………………………………………………………………….no.

Back on track we meet Ally, a nanny from Chicago who kicks the soccer ball around. Amy J. the crazy masseur comes out in a gold lamé dress that completely squashes her boobs. But JP seems into it because he whispers “Nos vemos a dentro” as she leaves which means “We’ll see each other inside”.

Renee the single mom comes out next! She’s a star and makes a great first impression. Lauren H. the heartbroken crazy comes out next, and she is a “mineral coordinator” which I know is a real job but sounds super, super fake. How does on coordinate minerals?

Maggie has the thickest little southern accent ever and brings him a fishing hook to show that he’s a good catch. We have Kelly who is preceded by her dog Molly getting out of the limo. Kelly has listed her occupation as “dog lover” which his NOT. A. THING. Lacey the old folks home owner brings him a fake prescription from cupid’s pharmacy. Which Albert and Ethel at the home told her that was a good idea?

Alexis gets out of the limo speaking Spanish at a third grade level. Kylie is a redheaded interior designer in a heinous bubble gum pink pageant dress. Sharleen is stoic but beautiful and she’s an opera singer from Canada who lives in Germany. She makes quite the impression on Juan Pablo. “Sin-gers, I like sin-gers,” he says.

Last but CERTAINLY not least is my top horse in the running ANDI THE FEDERAL PROSECUTOR. She doesn’t do anything crazy but they have good chemistry on first meeting. Go, Andi.

After the quick explanation of the First Impression Rose, Juan Pablo is off to the races inside the house! He is a little overwhelmed by all the beautiful women. “It feels like you are a meat that they gonna eat you,” he says. But don’t worry, he knows what to do. He brings out a little music to have a dance party! And there’s a photo booth! How wacky! He’s just SO wacky and low-key! It’s like a wedding!

Juan Pablo is a people person and he starts right away taking women away to meet them and have one on one time. He is the epitome of charm and diplomacy with these women. While talking to Renee though, he does have a big red lipstick mark on one cheek. Oopsies.

Lucy is a psychopath who should be stopped by any means necessary. She climbs all over him right away and stares into his eyes as she says, “Do you get nervous when I get close to you? Don’t be nervous. Be sure.” Which is a thing that normal people and not psychopathic mass murderers say to people upon first meeting them. She points out that she’s not wearing shoes just like a “real hippie”. I’m pretty sure it’s also just like a “real hippie” to be wearing a $1000 gown on a reality dating show but I’m not a “real hippie” like Lucy. Even though Juan Pablo is clearly freaked out by her he’s still the essence of diplomacy by saying, “It’s a little crazy, but it’s the first night so a lot of crazy is going on.”

Smash cut to Amy J. the masseur frolicking Juan Pablo out to a massage table that’s been so graciously set up by the producers on the driveway. Bless them. She is slowly undressing him and talking about essential oils and even though she is creepy, creepy, creeping up and down his body with her hands, he is like “Ok. Yes. Thank you. No no. This is fine. I’m not uncomfortable” even though his eyes scream for mercy.

He continues schmoozing with all the ladies as they collectively lose their shit when Chris Harrison places the First Impression Rose on the table. Everybody wants their time with him, most of all Lauren H. She is already crying because she feels like she can’t get time with Juan Pablo, and she needs love more than anyone else in that room. Lauren H. just needs to take a deep breath and a sip of some brown liquor. She is breathlessly weeping to camera. The first grade teacher ends up pulling her away to calm her down like she would with one of her six year olds.

When Lauren H. finally gets her time with Juan you can tell she’s been crying. She leads the conversation with her broken engagement story, and he’s being so kind to her. That being said, he and I both know that Juan Pablo is not Lauren’s therapist and maybe Lauren should get a therapist.

Sharleen is being stiff and keeps calling Juan Pablo “sir” even though JP is super into her. He says, “We would say in Spanish she has “mundo”, she has “world”. She’s very elegant.” He walks away for a second, and she says, “He’s a good package, but you know, I guess I thought I would feel more of this insta-chemistry than I did.” And then he comes back with the first impression rose! OH GOD. Has anyone ever rejected the first impression rose? Will she? He calls her elegant again “I like the way you are.” And after a long, long pause she finally says, “Sure! Yes. Thank you, sir.” Because Sharleen is elegant and confused about her feelings. I think she should give him a chance because JUAN PABLO.

Other girls are sad and jealous, but the first impression rose is out, and it can’t be taken back. The only thing left is the first official rose ceremony.

He calls out: Claire, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S, Kelly (and Molly her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie. Then he calls out Kat’s name and Kylie smiles and comes sauntering forward as he hurriedly whispers “Kat! Kat!” and we can see a very special part of Kylie’s soul shrivel up and die before our very eyes. “Can you take both of us?” she jokes. But it’s too late. If it had been Kylie too, he would have just rolled with it. But now she’s going to throw up and die.

Back to the roses though: Victoria, Christy, Lucy (who TWIRLS away from him. DIE, LUCY.), Elise, and the final rose goes to Amy L.

That leaves Kylie, Amy J, Ashley, Alexis, Christine, Lacey, Maggie, Valerie, and Lauren H. all eliminated.

“People don’t always feel you the way you feel them,” Amy J cries to camera which I laugh about for approximately three hours because she’s a MASSEUR AND LITERALLY FELT TOO MUCH OF JUAN PABLO. And the other women are sad too.

But no matter! Next week the real fun begins with dates and drama and dresses! I’ll see you next Wednesday for the recap, and until then follow me over on twitter @Chasspod. (All photos care of abc.com; gif care of Yahoo Entertainment)

Henley Monday -

Greetings from deep within the Polar Vortex blanketing half of the continental United States! It might be a windchill of -42 degrees outside, but it is caliente aqui a dentro... Wait... help me, I can't stop speaking random palabras of Spanish. I blame you, JUAN PABLO!!!!!

Yes, that's right. The Bachelor is back as of tonight starring the center of what has been, to my memory, the most incredible and fervent publicity build up for a Bachelor ever. ABC knows they have an Ace here with our favorite former pro-soccer player and single dad Juan Pablo. I know I'll be tuning in tonight with a mug of mulled wine and about thirty blankets. Join me won't you?

And for new and old followers alike, this also means the return of recaps every Wednesday! See you then, y'all! BESOS Y ABRAZOS!

My BEST posts of 2013

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Henley Monday -

Well my friends, we are at another year almost over. With less than 36 hours left until we shift into a new era of hopes and dreams and pop  culture happenings, I thought it would be a nice time to reflect on all the good things this year has brought us.....

Starting with a few pics of our patron saint of henleys Mr. Ryan "The Gos" "Daddy Gos" Gosling. He is a beautiful specimen of man that will never see it's equal in our time. Probably. Just enjoy as you reflect on the many blessings you've had in 2013. And I'll see you in 2014 my babies.

Henley Monday -

What are you doing on Tumblr?! It's time to focus up and get that Christmas shopping done! You've got just a little over a week to go and time is running out for those free shipping offers to get delivered by Christmas. Not to be such the Christmas Angel of Commercialism, but really, I'm starting to panic for the one or two people left in my life for whom I have no gift, and worse yet, not even an idea for a gift.

Ok so maybe with all the holiday stress, you and I both deserve a little down time to gaze upon the majestic form of Matt Damon looking really, really trim and cut and upside-down-triangle-y. Those balloons just made him giggle in delight and now I'm beginning to calm down a little.

Henley Monday -

OHHHHH, hello! Helloooooooooo my friends. It's time again for your favorite installment of this here tumblr bloggy woggy, and it's a great lil installment I must say. It's Ed Westwick, or as most of us know him Chuck Bass. He looks very Chuck Bass-y and all tormented and tortured with his good and evil always at war.

Hold me in your arms and we will take the world on together, Chuck!

This One's for all my Pacific Northwest Homies

Friends in Spokane! Whither and how have you drifted so far from me? We've been together almost two years, and for those two years, I've been tracking your movements on Google Analytics. Spokane friends, you have gone from number one in site visits to number NINE.  Come back to me. Don't leave me now.

I don't know who you are or why, at one time, you exceeded site visits from even my home city of Chicago. I don't know if you all know each other and discuss these posts. I don't know why I've carved out a special spot in my heart for my small, yet rabid and anonymous Spokane Fan Clan.

I know that your city rhymes with "raisin bran" and actively correct people who pronounce it as if it rhymes with "cocaine". It does not! I know that without people, strangers especially, reading my blog i would wither into dust! I would DIE! I know that somehow...somewhere...I've lost you Spokane, and I would do almost anything to get you back.

Don't go breakin' my heart, Spokane. Don't go breakin' my, don't go breakin' my, don't go breakin' my heart.

Henley Monday -

Welcome back to your job after a very long holiday weekend! It's gong to be a long, hard week, friends, but I know you can make it through.

If you need a little boost on this, the most heinous of days, regard this candid shot of Gerard Butler. I would say I'm somewhere on the bottom of this guy's fan club list, but it's undeniable that this ensemble is attractive and life giving when all I want is a nap. Maybe snuggled in that leather jacket I DON'T KNOW. I'm tired...but the heart wants what the heart wants.

Henley Monday -

What day is it? What month am I in? Where in time do I exist? I DON'T KNOW.  I just don't know right now. I'm incredibly discombobulated and under extreme duress, so YEAH I totally forgot Henley Monday yesterday. But listen, listen, listen here is a really, truly wonderful image of some guy (WHO IS HE?) in a stunning ensemble of henley and suspenders and beard.

This random stranger is everything I'm clinging to right now. Hold me tight, bro! Hold me tight!

Henley Monday -

Look at that smile plastered on this smug S.O.B. It’s like he’s taunting us. Taunting us to gaze so longingly upon his perfectly formed, truly god-like physique and eyes bluer than the ices of Jotunheim. Dear, dear Chris Hemsworth, we are so blessed by your existence and perfect casting/performance as Thor, God of Thunder.

Henley Monday - 

I'm on a different computer today and do not have access to my huge stock file of henleys. And this image is the fruit that googling "celebrities henley" bore. AND SUCH RIPE, RICH FRUIT IT IS!

I'm sorry, do you NOT think Vinn Diesel is awesome? I'm sorry, do you NOT think that wearing aviators and holding a sword at the same time is the coolest thing he could possibly do? I'm sorry, do you think that adding a henley into the mix does not make the most perfect picture of a man of all time? 

If so then there is nothing more I can do for you except let you stew in your own fear that this exact Vinn Diesel will hunt you down for your treachery and foolishness.

Henley Monday -

With the sun going down earlier and earlier with the onset of winter and daylight savings time, now more than ever we can stand a little bad boy in a Henley therapy.

And Max Irons is just that and more. I mean hello James Dean 2013!

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow -

For what now seems like the entirety of my elementary, middle, and high school career, one teacher, each Halloween featured this short animated film "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow". Made by Disney in 1949 and narrated entirely by Bing Crosby, it is as much a part of Halloween to me as trick or treating and pervasive feeling of being "just a bit too cold" in whatever costume I wear.

If you haven't seen it since your childhood school days, you really owe it to yourself to watch and enjoy this version of the classic Washington Irving tale. Not only does it do it complete justice, pulling directly from the text, but it includes wonderful songs from a by-gone era of Disney sung by golden throated Bing Crosby. It also is entirely enjoyable and laugh-out-loud funny in its animated mastery of physical comedy.

Settle in after work, before the madness begins, and get in the spirit with Ichabod Crane. Happy Halloween!

EncycloPETE-ia Holmes - A Guide to His Oeuvre Available Online

Tonight at 12 EST/11 CT The Pete Holmes Show will premiere on TBS, and it is gonna change your life for the better. Pete has been building his empire quietly but steadily for several years now, and he's about to become a household name and your new favorite comedian. And anyone who has had a conversation with me that lasted more than two minutes in the past four months can vouch that I literally will not shut up about how much I love Pete Holmes. There's a good chance that I am the biggest Pete Holmes proselytizer who isn't Old Petey Pants himself.

Which brings us to this: The Encylopaedia of Pete Holmes’ work, which I have personally curated for you to get maximum delight from the Harbinger of Joy himself: Pete Holmes.

http://www.youtube.com/user/peteholmes?feature=watch

Pete’s  YouTube channel is now also his official channel for THE PETE HOLMES SHOW. It not only has the more recent sketches they’ve been doing for promos, but it’s also full of various stand up clips, appearances on Conan, and other odds and ends.  I would highly recommend watching his most recent interview on Conan and the full “Batman vs. Superman” sketch to get a good feel for his overall sense of humor and sensibility. Also on YouTube, I recommend this video HYPERLINK HERE in which his good buddy (and writer on TPHS) Chris Thayer interviews Pete after both having eaten whole habanero peppers.

http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/inside-the-pete-holmes-show-20131028

This Rolling Stone article is a good overview of how Pete plans to differentiate his late night show from all the others, and shows his overall bonhomie to fellow comedians and late-night hosts.

http://www.laughspin.com/2013/10/24/the-very-thorough-laughspin-interview-with-pete-holmes/

True to its title, this LaughSpin article is “very thorough” but it’s great that way. Pete’s podcast is always very thorough and this interviewer does a good job getting weird with Pete. It discusses a little more how Pete got to this place and his feelings about starting this huge new chapter.

http://instagram.com/peteholmes#

Pete’s Instagram is  filled with behind the scenes pics from the show as well as fun weird stuff he sees around that makes him laugh like a braying donkey with a megaphone.

https://twitter.com/peteholmes

You need to follow him on twitter not only to keep yourself completely up to date with all of his professional doings but also because he knows how to use the form effectively with his own voice and that is fun, friends. Especially whenever Chelsea Peretti (@chelseavperetti), one of Pete’s real life best friends, gets involved.

https://vine.co/v/hdjXjFL7OBh

Pete’s Vine might actually be my favorite little piece of the Holmes Oeuvre. It is perfectly suited to his sense of humor and personality. It’s so infectiously happy that recently on vacation, my sister and I spent hours going back through almost every one of Pete’s Vines. We then proceeded to drive our Mother to the very brink of insanity as we sang his little Vine songs in a real life loop. This “Banana Sings” Vine has actually gone viral and for good reason. It is perfection.

http://www.nerdist.com/podcast/you-made-it-weird/

You Made it Weird is Pete’s podcast that falls under the Nerdist group of podcasts. With each guest, Pete sits down to have an in depth interview, often times with both the guest and host sharing about their lives in a vulnerable, accessible, and gut bustingly hilarious way. There are episodes where you truly laugh and then cry and then cry while laughing. Pete’s friendly charisma sets up a real space of trust so that the guests feel comfortable sharing everything from the story of losing their virginity to almost getting killed in an abandoned haunted mansion. The latter actually happened on the Chris Gethard episode which has been one of my favorites.  It gets weird in a lot of ways, not least of which when Chris shares something personal about his career that could’ve derailed a different interview but manages to be a really poignant moment on YMIW.

“Impregnated with Wonder” and “Nice Try, the Devil”

Both of Pete Holmes’ hour-long albums are available on Spotify streaming for FREE right now. They are also available for video download for the low, low price of $5 on Comedy Central’s website. Both albums are terrific and great to listen to, but so much of comedy is in Pete’s facial expressions and physical humor, that if, at this point, you’re convinced that you love Pete Holmes, the video downloads are really worth it. Plus you then have them to force your friends to watch when they tell you they don’t really know who he is.

http://peteholmes.com/

And yes, of course Pete has a website that has all the things I just laid out for you in one helpful spot should you for any reason forget the link to this post. It’s not quite as fun without my sparkling curatorial commentary, but it really gets the job done with extra and updated info for tour dates and new guests on the show.

That wraps up the EncyloPETEia. I really hope you put it to good use, namely making yourself a happier person. I’m genuinely thankful that Pete Holmes is a comedian and that it is 2013 where I have 100% FREE access to so much of his comedy. My final hope is that you will join me tonight, and every weeknight hence, glued to your TV after Conan watching THE PETE HOLMES SHOW flourish and succeed and become a much beloved late night show. Pete is the late night host we deserve, not the one we think we need.

Henely Monday - 

Welcome to the really extended week long ramp-up to Halloween we're getting this year. I'm not complaining one bit because any excuse to watch scary movies and eat so much candy I physically hurt is a good one. And many of you indulged in some fun-having too much last weekend and you really need this, a double dosage of henley.

And I found both these pictures and could not wait to share both at the same time. Because I love Tom Hiddleston and I love that THOR 2 is coming out in less than two weeks and I love that he is wearing a different leather jacket over a different henley in both of these pictures and I love that he looks so sad and forlorn about how he KNOWS how perfect he is. He knows. For better or worse, this guy knows how perfect he is.

And I love it.

Henley Friday -

A very happy Friday is upon us as it is the week we shall all celebrate Hallowe'en and all it's spooky festivities. You might be wondering why this somewhat schlubby picture of Orlando Bloom walking his darling dog is today's feature. Well, attention all ye ambulance chasers - it was announced that he and his baby mama Miranda Kerr have separated. ALIGHT ANEW ALL YOUR PRE-TEEN DREAMS OF MARRYING LEGOLAS!

Henley Thursday -

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi, everyone. It's a really good day to be alive because the first official trailer for CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER was released today and it is a doozy.

CAP. BLACK WIDOW. FURY. THE FALCON. NEW UNIFORM. ACTION. ROBERT REDFORD. JOKES! and of course THE WINTER SOLDIER!!!!

No sign of Batroc the Leaper yet, but with so much goodness placed before me, I can be a little more patient for his reveal.

And of course, because it's all about henleys after all. I present to you Chris Evans looking.......................pretty good, preh-tay gooooood.

Henley Wednesday -

Good day everyone! You're halfway through the work week as of noon so congrats! You did it. As a reward, feast your eyes on this British, henley wearing gentleman of your dreams.

It's Mattew Lewis aka Neville Longbottom from the Harry Potter films and every single time I see a picture of him looking so handsome and debonaire I am shocked, SHOCKED that he is the same person as this:

In fact, I found the top insanely attractive shot him in this amazing BuzzFeed Article because it's important to site your sources.

Henley Monday - 

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?! She's BACK?!?! 

Yes, folks, it's true. SHE'S BACK. After a prolonged absence due to many and exotic travels I am BACK and OUT OF CONTROL with this Henley Monday because guess what I'm posting Henleys ALL WEEK. THAT'S RIGHT ALL WEEK. BECAUSE I WAS GONE. AND NOW I'M BACK. AND I DEEPLY LOVE AND CHERISH ALL OF YOU AND YOUR MENTAL HEALTH I AM GIVING UNTIL YOUR CUP RUNNETH OVER WITH HOTTIES IN HENLEYS. 

We start off this Monday with third-time featuree Aaron Tveit on his 30th BIRTHDAY! SO MANY CAPS BECAUSE OF SO MUCH EXCITEMENT! Happy Birthday, Aaron. Long may you and your perfect smile and elegant coiffure and angelic voice live.

Henley Monday - 

For the very first time, this week's Henley Monday has more than one person featured and the second is not wearing the shirt of honor. But it was only right to feature these two guys, only appropriate, the only respectable option.

We salute you Mr. Aaron Paul and Mr. Bryan Cranston for being stalwarts of incredible television these last few years. We'll certainly miss you as Messrs. White and Pinkman, yet we know we shall soon be seeing you in a great number of other roles due to the level of greatness on which you stand.

Good-bye for now, gents. Keep up the good work, and Aaron, keep up the choice of henley+cardigan combo.

Well, the world has done it again. Without my asking or searching, it has delivered a magnificently joyous piece of Sesame Street-ery right into my lap. It's the Roots + Jimmy Fallon + Your favorite Sesame Street Monsters and Giant Birds + pure delight.

Please note - Quest Love picking his red monster friends fur right at the beginning.

PS - I really swear this won't become a Sesame Street/Muppets exclusive blog but they have just been on top of their PR game of late!

Happy birthday, Jim Henson. You are missed.

Henley Monday -

Your brain probably needs a refreshing palate cleanser after the horrific catastrophe of an Emmys that happened last night. I don't know what went so terribly wrong, but wrong it went. There were upsets good (Tony Hale!) and upsets bad (Jeff Daniels??????) and all around weird moments (Carrie Underwood singing "Yesterday" by the Beatles in memoriam of the TELEVISION COVERAGE of the JFK assassination).

All this is to say that today more than ever we need to just look at the newly single Liam Hemsworth looking strong yet vulnerable in a crisp, white henley. Breathe serenity in....exhale Emmys post-traumatic stress out...

A Guide to Naming Your Dog

Thinking up great names for dogs occupies anywhere from 50-85% of my thoughts on any given day. I obsess over potential names almost as much as I obsess over the actual dog. It’s fascinating, and endlessly entertaining.

Tragically, having a dog just isn’t in the cards for me right now. For one, my apartment in Chicago is a no-pet zone. But even if it were legal to have a furry friend, I don’t exactly have the time or means to support another life. I can barely get myself walked and fed. I work nights and keep odd hours. I’m a comedian and restaurant maitre d’, which if you were under the impression that either of those jobs give me a great deal of disposable income, let me be the first to kindly laugh in your face.

But you know what’s a great, money-free way to spend time and enjoy life? The internet! Among tens of others, I spend a considerable amount of my time on petfinder.com pining over the sweet canines who need my rescue and love. There are photo galleries and profiles for each dog so you can fall in love and have your heart broken several times over the course of a few hours. Of course, many of those dogs have been given placeholder names, essentially just a label. These dogs  deserve more than just that, they need an identity, and thus, I put my energy into thinking up the best names for optimal dog nomenclature.

I bring to you the top contenders I’ve come up with heretofore. But just know that if you end up using one of my suggestions for your very own dog, I’m going to need a picture for my records at probably, like, a play date or two.

1) Gulliver - This Swift-inspired name would accompany a rough-and-tumble scruff-bucket companion. A dog is adventurous by nature, and you would destine him for greatness with the moniker of the greatest adventurer in the literary cannon. Other adventurous literary figures suitable for dog names include Huckleberry, Ahab, Jack Kerouac, and Aeneas.

2) John Krasinski – John Krasinski is obviously the best name for a charming and rambunctious, always smiling kind of animal. This name hinges on the personality of the dog. It has to have that effortless, Krasinski charm, or it’s just nonsense. I really love when dogs have first and last names, and I really, really love when dogs are named after minor celebrities/historical figures. To whit…

3) Any of the Bulls 90s starting lineup - You’ve got your Michael Jordan’s and Scottie Pippin’s, sure. But what about a tall red-haired dog named Luc Longley? Or a svelt brunette named Toni Kukoc? Oh, please, meet my rottweiler-mix Ron Harper. Sit, Steve Kerr! Good, Steve! But not Dennis Rodman. You do not want to set yourself up for failure by naming your dog Dennis Rodman.

4) Dr. Egon Spengler – “Why does that sound familiar?” you might be asking yourself. “Where is that name from?” you wonder. It’s from Ghost Busters. It’s the name of the esteemed scientist portrayed by the prolific Harold Ramis. The three part nature of this dog name makes it great. You could call him Doc or Egon for short, but when you need to scold him or really get his attention Dr. Egon Spengler will come out of your mouth melodiously.

5) Influential Figures from Your Line of Work – Are you an anthropologist? Then just IMAGINE the knowing laughs when you tell your colleagues your dog’s name is Leakey. Leakey the dog! Hysterical! Actors would have great success with an elegant French bulldog named Uta or Stanislavski. Fear not, businessmen, you too can have a work-inspired canine friend. How about Keynes? What a dignified dog.

This last one really is a choose your own adventure. And besides, what’s just a little creative work of your own when I’ve already given you so many helpful suggestions? You’re the one with a dog, after all, not me.

Throwback Thursday - It is my absolute great and supreme pleasure  to present to you my findings from the deep recesses of the Internet, the likes of which you never dreamed existed. My most prized artifact is THIS! BEHOLD WITH YOUR EYES A REAL PICTURE OF THE "MYSTERY DATE" BOARD GAME CARD FEATURING MR. CHRIS EVANS AS "TYLER". BEHOLD AND BE ENTRAPPED WITH WONDERMENT AND AWE THAT THIS EXISTS AND IS REAL AND IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD FOR YOU TO EXPERIENCE! OH, HAPPY THURSDAY!