Latest Posts by popculturepolarbear - Page 5

Lisa Eldridge is Your New Best Friend -

Youtube is a treasure trove of all sorts of beauty tutorials. I have learned more ways to style my hair and wear lipstick in the past two years of watching Youtube videos than I had in the previous 22 years of reading Vogue, Glamour, Allure, and InStyle combined.

Far and away the leader of the pack of makeup tutorial channels is Lisa Eldridge. She is a professional makeup artist with over 25 years of experience making up all your favorite celebrities from Kate Moss to Kate Winslet. If her credentials weren't enough, she's also just absolutely lovely and glamorous herself. Lisa has a way of making even the most intricate, detailed looks achievable with a little a practice and patience.

She is pure delight and practically a genius. I linked to this video on PMS Face remedies because I found it so exemplifies everything I love about her: sense of humor, skin care emphasis, relatability, and of course, gorgeous makeup.

So make friends with Lisa Eldridge! Watch all the videos that interest you and get started on new and exciting makeup to enhance or even change up your old look!

"The Mindy Project" - A Season 1 Primer

The second season of The Mindy Project premiers tonight, and it’s one of the shows I’m most excited to see back on my TV screen. Maybe you are not like me and did not watch every episode of this show last year when it first aired, and then watched them all a second time (others a third…oops) right when the season ended in May. And maybe you are not like me and would NOT need to obsessively watch every episode of the first season before starting in on season two this evening. I am self-aware enough to know that I am insane and obsessive about my TV and accommodating enough to help you get ready for this very exciting premier.

It’s a primer! A pre-premier primer. It’s a list of the six best episodes of the season that give you a taste of what the show’s all about and catch you up on the plot just enough to get what’s going on in the premier tonight.

1.       “In the Club” – This is the third episode of the season, and the first one where I really saw the potential of the show. You should never judge any show, but particularly comedies, by their pilot episode and TMP’s kind of struggled for me. In the Club is a much better intro to the characters and the dynamic of the group at Schulman & Associates.

2.       “Thanksgiving” – Anna Camp, playing Mindy’s best friend Gwen, is featured heavily and very well here. This episode also guest stars the delightful Ed Helms! The Mindy Project has the greatest revolving door of guest stars maybe ever in a network sitcom. The highlight vignette for me is the storyline at Betsy’s home with Dr. Reed. Great, emotional story telling with the humor strung through in all the right places.

3.       “Josh and Mindy’s Christmas Party” – Ike Barinholtz’ as Morgan Tookers is far and away the funniest guy on the show. He gets me with real, out-loud laughs every time. I’m also a sucker for Christmas episodes, and TPM’s is a great one with plenty of love and also drama. Most importantly there’s a lot of that building sexual tension between Danny Castellano (Chris Messina) and Mindy.

4.       “My Cool Christian Boyfriend” – It was important to include this episode for certain plot aspects. We meet Mindy’s hunk du jour in Anders Holm as Casey, a “cool Christian” minister. The office takes a field trip to a women’s prison, and you can just imagine the hell that breaks loose. Now that we’ve all seen Orange is the New Black, we see prison differently, but it still holds up.

5.       “Santa Fe” – Do you want to see Clay Matthews giving a run down on Downton Abbey? Do you want to see Dr. Reed (Ed Weeks) and Morgan (Ike Barinholtz) becoming bros for life in a sweat lodge? Do you want to lose your mind in excitement over the least possible amount of physical contact between two characters? You do! The answer is: YOU DO.

6.       “Take Me With You” – The Season One finale sets up all the plot you’ll need to understand what exactly is happening when the show premiers tonight. You get the exciting image of Anders Holm reading David Sedaris in a tent. You get building sexual tension between Danny and Mindy. You get a scene where someone runs to express emotions realized! It’s a lot and a great crescendo to end the season.

Obviously I recommend watching the whole season once you’ve got yourself up to speed tonight. All of The Mindy Project is available to you on multiple streaming formats: Hulu, HuluPlus, FoxNOW app (and other less legal services I’m sure).  Please join in my obsessive love for the Mindy Project at 9:30 EST/ 8:30 CT Tuesdays on Fox.

Henley Monday -

Did you really think I wasn't going to go in search of pictures of this guy? Did you really think with the blizzard of social media that happens every Sunday night and Monday morning that I wasn't going to do my damndest to find a picture of Aaron Paul looking smoldering hot in a henley?

OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH. Of course I found a picture of Jesse Pinkman with that crazy intense but oh so attractive look in his eye that says, "get over here, girl" and NOT "bitch" because this is dreamboat Aaron Paul we're talking about not his character, come on now.

Oh hellooo and happy last day of your work week to you! These last hours of the day are the hardest to get through. The hours where freedom is so close on the horizon you could almost reach out and touch it, but you need some extra motivation to fully grasp onto to it.

You need an 80s Pop Rock musical intervention! I have compiled a playlist of over 60 songs that are the best the 80s has to offer in terms of peppy, energetic, go-get-em songs. Please enjoy now or any time in the future you may need a boost.

PS - Can we talk for three seconds about the outrageous contouring makeup on Hall & Oates here? I should be so lucky to have cheekbones like that.

Throwback Thursday -

TBT to that one time that Benedict Cumberbatch wore a SHERLOCK HEMLOCK T-SHIRT somewhere in public. Sometimes I worry when we idolize certain celebrities that they take themselves so seriously they don't have any sense of humor about it. This picture is empirical proof that this is not the case with Bramblewood Crumplepants. What a good old sport.

What We Can Learn from Ewan McGregor's Instagram

It has very recently come to my attention that the great Ewan McGregor has an Instagram account that he uses with regularity. And it is a thing of beauty. Are you thinking, "Oh, I don't know. I like his movies, but do I really want to see his big celebrity life in photos?" The answer is YES YOU DO. Why? Because these are the things we have to learn from him.

Ewan loves motorcycles.

Ewan especially loves his vintage 1929 motorcycle.

Ewan loves his dog Sid Smith.

Ewan loves his "bonnie" Scotland home.

Like, a lot.

Sometimes he loves Scotland and his dog at the same time.

Ewan wore a kilt to receive his OBE.

Ewan has an intricate half-sleeve tattoo that was done by Kat Von D.

Ewan really, really, really loves Sid Smith and misses him whenever they are twain. Going so far as to dedicate pictures to him. 

EWAN IS INCREDIBLY HANDSOME, BUT THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER.

And for even more great Ewan pics just follow him on Instagram already!

The Many Gifts of Paul F. Tompkins -

It is an indisputable fact that Paul F. Tompkins is a giver. He is a dapper gentlemen, a character actor at a genius level, everyone's favorite podcast guest and podcast-er. He is a giver who won't stop giving us delightful comedy treats.

His Youtube interview series "Speakeasy" is just one of the latest delights put forth by Mr. Tompkins. Each week he gets a superstar of the acting and/or comedy world (Aziz Ansari, Damien Lewis, Judy Greer, and Tony Hale to name a few). The interviews are a great peak behind great entertainers that break them down into real people and then blow you away with their hard work and artistry.

This week's episode with Mark-Paul Gosselaar is on the shorter side at 13 minutes, but you won't even notice it. Nor will you notice the time passing as you go down the rabbit hole with the next interview that you just can't miss. Enjoy! Happy passing the time like lightening! Bless and keep you PFT!

Henley Monday - 

Welcome to fall! The wind's turning chilly, and we're all wearing sweaters full time! JUST KIDDING IT'S A MILLION DEGREES EVERYWHERE AND WE'LL NEVER BE A COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE AGAIN.

But Fall is coming as it must. It has to. It's the law. Science. Michael Fassbender is going to help me get by until that point though in this cotton knit henley under a suede jacket. He is so weathered and rugged he looks like one of those Dust Bowl photos only beautiful in a less depressing way.

A Form Letter to Your Noisy Upstairs Neighbors

With the weekend upon us, you may run into the some issues in your apartment building. If you have problems similar to mine, feel free to use this form letter to post on your neighbors' door. It should sufficiently clear up any issues you have with them and definitely not start a passive aggressive note war.

Dear Neighbors at [Your Address Here],

Last evening at approximately 2 o'clock ante meridiem, I was awakened from my slumber by a thunderous stampede.

It seems the herd of adorable yet boisterous pygmy elephants you are are (illegally) keeping in your apartment had broken loose of their restraints, causing a stampede during which they overturned a number of boulders large and small. They continued their merriment and parading for over an hour while I fruitlessly attempted to return to my dreams.

At one point, I even heard them communicating, which was quite confounding since, to my knowledge, elephants don't have the lingual skills necessary to say, "Oh my GOD!" several times. Perhaps, however, I was in a hallucinatory and near dreamlike state due to my exhaustion.

If you would kindly secure your herd of (did I mention illegal in the state of [your state here]?) elephants, I would not only be much obliged but also eternally grateful. My roommates, I'm sure, would also benefit from a more well rested, sunnier version of myself.

Likewise, please be sure to advise me if ever my Speakeasy has robbed you or your miniature proboscidae of sleep or peace of mind. I generally attempt to keep the bawdy, jazz-fueled ribaldry to a minimum, as I am ever aware that you rest just 15 feet above and, alack and alas, our ceilings are not yet soundproof.

Until that glorious, soundless day, I bid you adieu! Stay well and give my warmest regards to the herd.

           Sincerely,

                   [Your name here] the neighbor downstairs

PS - Wherever do you find and store sufficient food stuffs to feed such ravenous creatures?

PPS - hugs n kisses

Throwback Thursday - 

TBT to that one time Carey Grant was reading a script in costume with a teensy-tinsey puppy in his pocket accomplishing the once impossible task of becoming MORE attractive and statistically perfect.

There are few things in this life that I love as much as the Muppets, Sesame Street being one of them because of the inclusion of Muppets and because of my childhood and also because have you guys read that Malcolm Gladwell piece on the importance of Sesame Street in literacy and scholastic apptitude? It's INCREDIBLE.

There are also few things in life that I love as much as Tom Hiddleston, and this short little video right here is about as much love for non-immediate family members that my heart can handle without bursting into sparkles and rainbows.

Some major points:

OF COURSE he's in perfectly tailored business casual wear to be on Seasame Street

Cookie Monster makes me honestly laugh with his comedic hijinks

Tom treating Cookie Monster like an adult really heightens the stakes in a good way

I'm taking "Delayed Gratification" to mean that "if me wait, me will eventually get Tom Hiddleston"

He's so charming, I die. I just die.

I can barely handle this, which concerns me for Tom's appearance in the forthcoming Muppet film.

Henley Monday -

Happy first day back at work after a long weekend! It was a beautiful weekend up here in Chicago, and I hope everyone out there enjoyed the last official bits of summer fully. I know I did.

But maybe you enjoyed a little too fully and now the hours until you can go home and put on sweats and watch So You Think You Can Dance are dragging by? Enter Hugh Jackman looking fooooiiiiiine in this here crisp, white henley. Jackman doesn't get better than this.He is a tender, hyper-masculine PRINCE among mortals.

Keep it up with the TWO-SIDES Hugh; we love you for it.

Henley Monday -

Oh boy. I think it's safe to say that after the VMAs last night, we are all a little hungover and struggling through this Monday more than most. Regardless of whether or not you, like me, maybe had one too many strawberry margaritas while desperately trying to process that circus of an event, the brain is not firing at 100% today.

Enter recent feature Henry Cavill in a short sleeved henley reclined on some rocks on a beach looking otherworldly attractive, looking "no but really, how does one human get to be so perfect that it hurts my eyes to stare but I can't tear them away?" good. Relax. Take a deep breath. Drink some water. Stare into the depths of Henry.

Henley Monday -

Welcome to your week, folks. It's going to be a good one. You're going to be successful. You will have fun. You will come home every night and eat a delicious dinner. All the TV shows you love are going to be great this week. You will feel amazing and ready to start your day every time the alarm goes off. You will achieve all your goals and kick ass doing so.

I think. I mean, I don't really know. You are the master of your destiny, as they say. What I do know is that soultry look Josh Hutcherson is giving here could give me the confidence to go through my week exactly like that. It just says, calmly, confidently, "You got this."

I GOT THIS.

Looking forward to your Bachelorette recap, that Drinking Game was fabulous and I'm so excited about Juan Pablo! Just wanted to thank you for being a highlight of this years Bachelorette :) Also promise you'll be covering the Bachelor from January, pretty please???

This is the best. How impossibly sweet of you. I want to hug you.

I would not miss covering Juan Pablo's season of the Bachelor for anything in the whole wide mundo. I feel like being a Spanish major has led me straight to this moment, this special, special time we are all about to share with Juan Pablo. God really did bless this broken road that led me straight to a fluency in Spanish and a Venezuelan Bachelor.PS - Have you checked out Juan Pablo's Twitter? It is bizarre and delightful and hilarious and chuck full of sexy pics. Also apparently he and Zak W. are real life BFFs. The Bachelor - it brings people together.

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 2 Recap

Oh wow. This is it. It's really here you guys. The time has finally come where we will know, once and for all, what will happen to Desiree in her turbulent quest for love. It’s been rough. Remember that guy with the secret girlfriend? Remember how much gay Michael hated douche Ben? Remember James being a lion with a thorn stuck in his paw that he wouldn’t let one tiny mouse help remove? REMEMBER BROOKS WALKING OUT ON DESIREE AT THE 11TH HOUR WITH HER HEART IN TATTERS? Yeah. Seas have been stormy. But here we are. In Antigua. Let the drama unfooooold!

Crap. I forgot about the live studio audience aspect of the grand finale. Chris Harrison welcomes us with open arms and throws us right into a video package of Desiree crying about Brooks. “He broke my heart…and now, I don’t know where to start,” she sniffles, “It sucks.”

What better time to have a one-on-one chat with Papa Chrarrison than the very moment your entire world is crumbling around you? They sit on some lovely whicker chairs to talk it all out. He invites her to sit and says, “How you doing today?”

“I’m ok,” she replies with a thin lipped smiled and continues to nod, maybe to convince herself it’s true.

“No. You’re not. I’m sorry,” Chrarrison reaches out as the tears begin to fall. The amount of tears this season could rival Ashley’s.

“I’m ok when people don’t ask,” admits Desiree. UGH. HAVEN’T WE ALL BEEN THERE? “I just want to go home to be honest.” Desiree continues crying and Chris offers up little comforting comments here and there. Eventually Desiree decides that she does want to continue on in “the process” with Drew and Chris to see if the “all important chemistry” and “undeniable spark” is really there with either of them. The fun thing is that they HAVE to go through a rose ceremony to get there, and they don’t know that Brooks is gone!

Chrarrison lines up the two remaining dudes on a dock and gives the floor to Desiree to explain the situation. She just barely gets through telling them that Brooks decided to go home on his own before she starts getting choked up. “I have taken every relationship separately…so I’m not going to let yesterday break my spirit,” Des resolves.

She stayed so strong though all of it, but really loses her stuff when she tells them she just wants them to let her know if they don’t want to accept the rose or continue in their relationship. This poor girl. You can totally see Chris wanting to run to her and comfort the pain away. Oh noble dorky Chris.

Drew’s name is called first, then Chris. They both accept.

“When you love someone as much as I do love Desiree, it’s hard to watch her cry,” Chris sternly tells the camera.

“I’m never gonna leave Desiree. It’s just never gonna happen,” Drew also very sternly tells us. Well, we’ll just see about that, Drew. Chris? Yeah I guess you’re fine for now. We’ll just see, gentleman.

Before we can get back to the drama we talk to some of the live studio audience – KILL TIME – and get some non-expert opinions. The consensus from these random strangers is that Brooks comes back. Pishaw. We have quite a few Team Chris people. The cheers for Drew are much quieter, lovely as he is.  BUT WUH-OH. WHAT HO. WHAT. HO. INDEED.  DID CHRARRS JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?

He says, “But what about this? If CHRIS finds out about how she felt about Brooks, you know…or Drew for that matter…uh you know, is there any chance that she could you know that this could still work?” Drew was an afterthought. Chris was the first name he emphasized then he got flustered after the slip up. Interesting.

We get yet another gratuitous shot of Desiree dressing herself over her bikini. There have been quite a few up close panning shots of her body that make me uncomfortable with the exploitative undertones. Drew’s date is up first and she is hopeful that she can “find sparks.”

They are riding horses down to the beach. Des introduces Drew to his horse Judy. What a great horse name: Judy. The conversation is strained and awkward on their horsey jaunt. It is that early that Desiree realizes that what she’s looking for just isn’t there with Drew. Des realizes she must now do to Drew what Brooks did unto her.

After a toast to being “madly in love” (oh dear, sweet Drew), Des just says “So. I really need to talk to you.” Which is exactly how 85% of breakups in the history of modern dating and relationships have begun, so Drew must just about pee his little Bermuda shorts at the sound of those words.

As she cries and struggles through finding the words to say, he squints deeply at her. I finally realize who Drew looks like.  He looks like Captain America. Seriously if Chris Evans wasn’t already the quintessential Steve Rodgers, I’d be gunning for this guy to take over because even his HAIR is superhero perfect.

Des lets him down gently, and Drew is the consummate gentleman though it all. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he repeats as Des blubbers about how bad she feels. “You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me. It’s not something you control; it just happens…I would want you to be in love with me as much as I’m in love with you. So this hurts but…it’s ok”. What a capital G gentleman and all around good guy. Godspeed Drew! Best wishes to you and your continuing journey to find love!

Hopefully with a break from the breakups, Chris has his date today. Desiree has a lot riding on it. As soon as Chris arrives though, their dorky chemistry is in full bloom. Chris says “Welcome!” when he first sees her, like you do when you’re being an idiot distracted by loving a person. And then Desiree tells him they’ll be going on a catamaran all day as Chris’ face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Yes! Another boat just for you!” Des tells him. “Ok this is awesome!” Chris squeaks. Chris loves boats you guys. It’s that kind of dorky personality trait that could pull him through.

Chris is so freaking precious. He is just a precious little gemstone in a world of stupid pebbles. He tells her how much he will always love and support her and be a shoulder to cry on. They do indeed have a very strong connection. Desiree admits that her feelings may have been clouded because of Brooks.

The music begins to swell and the camera shots become sweeping as the catamaran streaks across the Caribbean Sea. The two lovers both feel comfortable and happy with each other. Desiree might begin to see the love and joy Chris could bring her whole life long.

It’s evening now, and the two are meeting at Chris’ plush ass suite for dinner and drinks. Chris gives world’s longest and most rambling toast thanking Desiree for everything and expressing how much he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They laugh and giggle. Desiree eats it all up and also shares how much she cherishes their time together.

Despite being apprehensive to introduce any of the guys to her family, Desiree decides that Chris shall meet her whole family. He is thrilled. She is thrilled that he so wants to meet her family.

Chris got her a gift. It is ANOTHER leather-bound journal. For those keeping score at home, that is two leather bound journals she’s been gifted with this season. He dedicates it to her and writes a little epigraph and also transcribes all of the poems into the first few pages. Barf. Blergh. Ack. Ew. But it’s still so sweet and thoughtful but MOSTLY barf.

“I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them and that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved because I don’t know what it feels like…so it feels good but it’s hard,” Desiree blubbers out. “How could I have not loved him so much from the beginning?”

And there, my friends, there I think is where it’s all decided. She toasts to him being the greatest man she’s ever known. Yeah. Chris. You’re the only guy left. I think you’ve got this hooked, lined, and sinker (whatever that means. Does anyone know?).

Back in the studio audience, we have some Bachelor fan favorites assembled to sound off their opinions. Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey are there as well as Catherine and Sean. How awkward! Sean is boring and diplomatic. Catherine is adorable and wise. Jackie is sad that Brooks left her but wants her to be happy ultimately. Lesley is smart and astute and to the point that Des is falling love with Chris fast and hard. Lindsey is an idiot. She thinks Brooks might still come back. Stupid, stupid Lindsey.

Ok, back to the task at hand. Chris brings a lovely bunch of rhododendrons to meet Desiree’s family which does include her very intense, felonious brother. Nate is certainly intense, but I think he suffers from a little bit of bad editing and also just a harsh demeanor. He asks the same questions that almost every family has asked the final contestants before. Did you ever doubt the process? Are you a jealous guy? How confident are you in the relationship? All normal questions that Chris passes with absolute flying colors. He is charming and at ease and gracious and lovely.

Desiree’s dad is adorable. Not Sean’s dad levels of charm, but his smile is pretty great. Chris and he have a nice chat which ends in Chris asking for Desiree’s hand in marriage. Dad gives a resounding yes.

The day concludes with Desiree and Nate sitting down to talk all of this stuff out. In the end, Nate approves of Chris but doesn’t want Des to settle. So that’s that. Will Desiree accept a proposal from Chris? Or will she end up alone?

It’s that time of the season, y’all! Time for everyone’s favorite human lizard Neil Lane to appear in a tropical locale with his set of diamond wares. Chris meets with him to select the ring that will be the symbol of his love and commitment that won’t be broken. He is really taking delight in the process of choosing a ring. Man this is a genuinely good guy. You precious goon, Chris! You have melted my steely, cold heart! He selects a very pretty, if not a bit gaudy, ring.

Desiree is wearing a gauzy, peach gown with a big crystal embellishment on the side. It’s gorgeous. Chris is wearing a crisp, black suit with a crisp white pocket square. They both look smart. Now let’s not break America’s heart and just be in love forever you two! Please!

Chris is a bundle of nerves, equal parts electric excitement and terror. He gets to talk first. Of course when I say “talk” I mean whisper. A stage whisper. He lists all the tiny moments where he fell in love with her. “You make me want to be a better person…I don’t want to make decisions for me anymore. I want to make decisions with you for us. I want to be that rock. I want to be the person that doesn’t break for you.” And I’m crying and just as he goes to bend down to the one knee she stops him. “Don’t say it? Oh god. Ok.” He stammers. We may have just witnessed him actually crapping his pants.

He steels himself for the rejection while Des prepares him for the truth. She tells him that he’s the only one there and the only one who met her family. Then launches into a beautiful speech about how the one thing she always needed was right in front of her the whole time. Chris is so happy when he realizes that she’s in love with him and isn’t rejecting him.

So then he says, “It’s not just a yes or a no. It’s a do you want to grow old together? Do you want to start a family together?” I’m crying but then LAUGHING because as he asks the big question, Des answers “YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” which is PERFECT AND DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REA LIFE! I GUESS THIS DOESN’T REALLY COUNT AS REAL LIFE BUT SHE SAID THAT UNPROMPTED AND IN EARNEST, SO.

They hold each other kissing and crying and then “Love and Affection” plays again to montage all the lovely moments they’ve had. I’m crying because apparently I’m a person who cries at this stuff now. It’s fine. Way to go for you Matt White getting this song on three times this season (EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS YOU’VE REPLACED PETER CETERA). Ok. Wow. They are happy in love. Crazy in love. They are engaged and during After the Final Rose it’s revealed that Desiree is moving to Seattle this very weekend. They are getting their own place together. They are adorable and I wish them all of the very, very best.

And for all of you dear readers, I wish you the very, very best as well. I am so grateful for you reading my thoughts and emotions every week and truly appreciate every positive comment I’ve gotten. You guys rule. And I  DEARLY HOPE that you will join me in January when JUAN PABLO WILL BE THE BACHELOR! AHHHHHH! JUAN FREAKING PABLO! SEE YOU THEN, GUYS! Of course you can keep up with me over on Twitter @chasspod and check back with the Polar Bear for other fun stuff. KISSES.

The Bachelorette Drinking Game

It is the day we have been waiting for for months. It's here; the second half of the Bachelorette two part finale!!! Desiree has a lot on her plate tonight after the shattering of her heart last week when Brooks pulled out early. We have sweet weirdo and terrible bard Chris and handsome yet somewhat bland but equally sweet Drew. Will she chose one or neither or both or just fling herself into the waters or Antigua???

As per the tradition started at the finale of Sean's season of the Bachelor, I present to you my carefully curated rules to Desiree's Bachelorette Drinking Game. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can’t wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you’re underage, eat an m&m):

The word “journey" is used

The word “connection" is used

Someone refers to “the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says “picture the rest of my life", “spend the rest of my life", “could envision the rest of my life" or any other “rest of my life" phrases

Desiree does a voice over while she walks around somewhere

Desiree does a voice over while she stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Desiree dabs her under-eyes with her fingertips as she cries

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as “paradise", “fairytale", or “something out of a dream"

One of the guys balls up his fists in frustration

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Desiree

-If Brooks shocks us all out of our skins and RETURNS

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!

Henley Monday -

I'm pressed for time today folks, so let me cut to the chase: this is a picture of Jensen Ackles looking really nice and really thoughtful in a grey henley and holding a beer. What is troubling you buddy? I don't know and I don't care because it makes you look good! But obvs I hope it all gets sorted out. KISSES!

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 1 Recap

This is it you guys. This is part one of the EPIC two part finale for our girl Desiree as the Bachelorette. Will she find love? Will she be left alone? What the heck happens to make everyone cry? Why does Des just want to go home?! Will the guys be dorks in Antigua? Answers to all this (and more!) in the coming HOURS of TV. I've got my orange vodka lemonade at the ready, so here. we. go.

The tropical paradise of Antigua will play host to the remaining three guys this week. The producers kick off with the requisite relationship recap for all three guys. There is nothing exceptional to note except that Desiree is very open about how her feelings for Brooks are above and beyond what she feels for the other two men. “He almost doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me for me to know. It’s unspoken,” Desiree confides, and this makes me worry, worry, worry.

Drew has his date first, so let’s get that out of the way. Everyone keeps saying it “an-TEE-gah”, and I’m pretty sure it’s “an-TEE-gwa” so that will irritate me all episode. (hey guys I looked it up afterwards and they’re both correct but ending in –gah is technically more correct. The more you know!) They explore the island together and do adorable things. Desiree can’t help but enjoy how handsome Drew is in the face and the body. The emotional connection doesn’t seem to be the strongest but surely the physical side of things is strong. Heyo pulling off on the side of the road for kissy kissy!

There’s a festival with local people and music and arts and crafts. The couple has a lot of fun doing the limbo, so they could have a lot of fun doing absolutely anything, probably. The limbo is the living worst. From a hilltop at sunset they have a tropical fruit picnic and talk about how nice it was to meet his family. “I would get on a knee today and ask her to marry me,” says Drew. I’m sure you are Drew, but you are the underdog in this race for sure.

Now it’s night time and it’s raining on the beach and the two lovers cannot stop kissing despite the precipitation. Des is wearing some breezy patterned palazzo pants. Dinner on the beach gets rained out which leads them straight to the fantasy suite. Drew is so cute. He is adorable and handsome all at the same time. He is thrilled to death about waking up in the morning next to Desiree. There are also some terrifying nature night sounds happening around them that sound like a whistling hellscape. Are they bugs? Are they birds? Frogs? Demons? What?

When Desiree talks about how important being assertive and being a good communicator is to her, Drew tells her that he would be ready to get down on one knee tomorrow, any time. He loves her and is determined about it. They kiss sitting across from each other on the bed until Drew tells them it’s time to go.

Cut to Brooks in Boise, Idaho deeply contemplating what the implications of an overnight date with Desiree could mean. Brooks says that he does feel like he could love her, but is not in a stage where he can really say it. That’s why he’s in Boise: to get some guidance from his family on the week ahead.

“The idea of me proposing to her at the end of this makes me really uncomfortable,” Brooks tells his mom and sister among other misgivings about his feelings for Des. Mom and sis give some good advice about what he should feel and know about this woman before taking the big step of proposal. Brooks is still so conflicted though because he feels that Desiree is such an incredible woman but still doesn’t know what to do. I wish that Brooks didn’t have the pressure of a MANDATORY proposal weighing him down and could take the relationship more slowly like a normal human person.

“A hard conversation now, is a lot better than a horrible one later,” he states. While being so conflicted, he decides to follow through and see Desiree on the date to see where the feelings go. The reservations and worry is written plain across his sweet face. His mom and sister support whatever decision he makes, even if it’s the hard one (guys. I think it’s gonna be the hard one). And he’s off to Antigua!

Obviously saving all the drama for last, Chris has his date next. He’s such a sweet lil peach. Desiree is wearing yet another pair of breezy palazzo pants. That’s too many pairs of palazzo pants, Des. And this awful crocheted vest over bikini top that’s happening? Who did this to you? Why do they hate you? Please stop the hatred and palazzo pants.

OH MY GOSH YAY YOU GUYS THERE’S A HELICOPTER RIDE! SOMETHING WE’VE BEEN SORELY LACKING THIS SEASON! Chris is more excited than he’s EVER been to be in a chopper with his lady Des. This guy has extreme amounts of childlike wonder, and I ain’t mad about it.

The chopper takes them to a private beach on Barbuda to have a picnic. Then they make out on the beach as the waves splash around them. Des likes Chris a lot and feels very strongly for him on a few levels. “Chris would make a perfect husband,” she says. She doesn’t say a perfect husband for her yet, but it could work out. I just like them a lot as a couple, and if Brooks is going to bow out like it appears he might, I would want her to go with Chris. Much as I love looking at Drew, I see more of a multidimensional person in Chris. Same goes for their two relationships. Though, no one wants to feel like second banana to Brooks so what’s going to happen here?

UH. COOL TANGERINE LINEN SHIRT CHRIS. He looks like a papaya. The terrifying whistle demons are back in the ambience. I’m ill at ease, but these two don’t seem fazed. With future talk, Chris says that he would want Desiree to move to Seattle with him and his career. “I could do what I love to do, anywhere” concludes Desiree after saying that she does really like California. It’s a good talk with possibly real implications. He’s “jacked” about it. It’s nice that Chris says what he would really want and not just the usual “I’D MOVE MOUNTAINS TO BE WITH YOU. TEMPE, ARIZONA SOUNDS VERY NICE.”

These two are total dorks together. Desiree pulls out the fantasy suite card, and Chris nobly jumps at the opportunity “to spend more time with her” and “watch the stars”. HA. HA. IS THAT WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT NOW, BRAH?

They have been in the fantasy suite for one hot second before Chris busts out yet another poem.

It’s excited to see how far this journey has taken us

From places I never knew existed to places I’ve longed to see

All experiences you and I have shared together

And now here we are one week after you met my family

One week from the possibility of forever

And I’m not nervous. I’m excited.

It’s hard to deny the connection that we’ve made:

The chemistry, real compatibility, permanent friendship

Piecing together this journey with new memories

Open to what is to come for us in the future

And excited to spend our lives together forever.

“Oooh I love it!” she coos.  Do you love it Des? I bet you do. I shouldn’t question the fact that you love that saccharine swill. But fine. I suppose I’ll let you have that. At least this one doesn't rhyme. They have the rest of the night together under the stars. How sweet.

The moment of truth has arrived, however. Brooks’ “date” is up right now. As Desiree voices over how excited she is for her date with Brooks, Chrarrison arrives at his suite to have a chat. After doing the same hemming and hawing he did with his family Chrarrison lays it down: do you love her or are you done?

After a long, long silence Brooks says, “If I don’t feel it at this point, I’m not going to feel it with more time.” Oh no. This is just terrible. Chrarrison talks to him more about whether he’s just not ready to commit to marriage or if he’s just not in love with Des which is a nice touch of reality like ‘hey maybe this show is ridiculous and in real life it’d be different?”. But it turns out he’s just not in love with Des. Brooks starts to get emotional and teary talking about how much he knows this will hurt Des. Uh yeah. She loves you bro and has been saying so for weeks so “hurt” is a word I would use.

“Clearly, I know you don’t want to hurt her, but as a man it’s the conversation you need to have,” is how Chrarrison cuts him to the chase. He’s still stewing and floundering, but Chrarrs knows you just have to rip that band aid.

Desiree! Girl! I feel so bad for you, yo. You got dumped by not one but two guys on the show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the dumping. And the second guy was one you were in love with! But when it comes down to it, you can’t make them love you. So here. Please enjoy three different versions of one of the great songs of our time.

“I can’t make you love me” by the Queen Bonnie Raitt, this soulful cover by Tank (Shout Out to all my fellow Call Chelsea Peretti fans), and a haunting one by Bon Iver. You need these. Let them soothe you like I know they soothe me (I Can't help but suggest you, reader, select one to soundtrack the remainder of this post.)

“It’s just gonna be stress free, no worries,” Des says of the date planned for today. Ugh. Oh GIRL. THE DRAMATIC IRONY IS HURTING MY SOUL.

Well Brooks is gonna have to get this over with right away because he’s the worst ever at putting on a brave face. He starts crying immediately upon seeing her. And you can almost hear the needle scratch in her heart. She knows something is very wrong.

“Talk. To me.” She demands while he just babbles on about nothing and keeps sighing. Command the respect you deserve! The tears are already forming in her eyes as she realizes what’s happening. A woman always knows. We just always know.

“I feel like you’re a much better person than I am…and I love that about you, I really do.” He just keeps talking and isn’t laying the cards on the table. I want to scream at him to just SPIT IT OUT. Now they’re both crying.

“How do you really feel?” she asks.

“Um. You know I really want to be madly in love with you, you know?” is all he says. Ugh. You suck at this bro. Take a lesson in breakups. Don’t talk to Sean though. He was a complete disaster too.

She cries. He cries. They cry while hugging. As they keep talking she just literally curls into a ball and cries “why?” and it’s very raw and I don’t like watching it. She doesn’t even want him to touch her. I HATE this. “I don’t even know what to say. I love you. I do,” she sobs which makes him so sad and mad because he didn’t know and they are both messes. I feel less bad for him though!

Silence. Tears. “For once in my life I felt hopeful. I’ve never felt completely loved by any one, and this sucks. It sucks. It sucks that I loved you. I love you regardless. I do. I can say it. I don’t care that you just broke my heart. I love you,” Desiree says. This is a strong woman. Say what you will about her not being the most “dynamic” Bachelorette ever but this is a strong ass woman. After forbidding him to continue talking she just cries into his chest for a while.

“I’m just surprised at the love that she has for me. Just surprised.” REALLY BUDDY? THAT SEEMS SLIGHTLY ACCURATE. His eyes are puffy and red and he is a snotty, teary mess talking to camera.

Lizard. Bird. Two people crying as they break up. Powerful storytelling here, ABC.

“So now what are you gonna do?” Brooks asks as they walk away from the dock of doom and misery. “Like I was worried you’d feel conflicted.”

“Conflicted? You wanna know why I was conflicted? Because I wanted to give my heart to you! I didn’t want to share it!” uaskdjflaksjdlfkjworaosfalskjdfj ajaskljasdofu THAT IS RAW. But maybe she was holding back with the other guys and with Brooks out of the picture she’ll really be able to fall for one of them? I don’t know! This mop haired Mormon is ruining it for everybody!

“Sorry. I’ll shut up. I’m not helping here,” he whispers. Yes. Now would be a good time to STOP. TALKING.

“No. Not at all,” she croaks out, “I guess you have to go.” As they hug goodbye they isolate the sound so all we can hear is their two heart beats and that is SAD POETRY. TAKE NOTE, CHRIS. THAT IS FOR REAL SAD POETRY.

He tries to hug her good-bye and she doesn’t hug back. Then she does. And he doesn’t. Then he turns to leave and she hauls ass out of the little palm grove. No thanks producers, not right now. Byeeee. Let’s let her drown in her tears for a second. Brooks weeps a little too. Little chokey sobs. At least he feels the full weight of what he’s doing. Now they are both weeping separately, and it’s very, very sad. As much as we poke fun at this dog and pony show, I take no pleasure in watching two people full on weep on camera.

“That was way worse than I thought it was gonna be,” he sobs out. Good. At least doing that hurt like a bitch because she’s feeling a thousand times worse so at least you feel some of the pain you caused. Is he to blame for just not being in love with someone? No. But he’s still the dumper. And it is almost impossible to feel worse for the dumper than for the dumpee in a case of unrequited love.

“I just feel so bad that I have two amazing guys who love me, and I can’t love them as much as I know I have to give. And that’s not what they deserve. Honestly for me, it’s over,” she weeps to us.

  And that’s all she wrote. Weeping is how we conclude this week’s half of the finale. Next week we’ll see the epic conclusion and a possible “After the Final Rose” episode. Now, I’ll gently remind you all that in the previews we have her infamously saying “I always knew I was deserving of love, but I never knew I could feel so loved” and more recently they showed her and Chris playing with a stingray. So at least we can rest easy knowing that the show isn’t completely over yet. But still, I cannot wait.

I know it’s going to be hard to survive, but until then, check me out on twitter @chasspod, and I’ll post a special Desiree specific set of the Bachelorette Finale Drinking Game rules for you all to follow along with at home. Peace, love, and happy journeys until then!

Henley Monday - Did you miss me last week? I missed you too, boo boos but sometimes vacation calls. Today though, I am not poolside and soaking up the sun's rays but rather ankle deep in house cleaning and also in a constant state of fear from the two house centipedes I've seen slithering around today. It's not ideal.

Good thing I have Theo James' steely gaze here to carry me through. James plays Four in the upcoming film version of the YA hit Divergent, or you might recognize him as the dubious and deceased cause of very much woe Mr. Pamuk from Downton Abbey. He is an incredible pleasure to behold in this henley. Also in this one:

Can you even? Because I cannot. Cheers to his burgeoning film ubiquity for I should very much like to look upon his face and form for many years to come. Cheers Theo.

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap "The Men Tell All"

Oh, God. I’m going to start by postulating that I am far too sober to endure this. The Men Tell All is typically a little less exciting, less titillating and a little drier and more self-righteous, BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY: Juan Pablo will be back. Hope does indeed spring eternal, as they say. And we did have quite our fair share of drama this season, so full of hope I am.

Ok chiquitos, let’s dive in.

Chris Harrison jogs out onto his dais of hosting to give us a lil preview of the fun to come. But first we shall show a video package of Chris and Des crashing some Bachelorette viewing parties. Lots of people drinking wine and screaming is all that happens. Holla to that real cute dog in one house!

Oh hold up! They cut right to my nougat core when Ashley and JP trot out to assist in party crashing! I do love them! Then the Mesnick’s come and whatever. And TRISTAAA! The Orignial Bachelorette and one of the very only success stories the show has ever had.

To desperately fill the two hour time slot, we sit down with Ashley, Emily, and Ali of Bachelorette fame to discuss “Bad Boys” (?????). This season certainly had more jerkwads than usual: Brian, Ben, and James were all dirt bags. I do like those girls though; they basically just tell Des to speak her mind and put any guy trying to pull shenanigans in his place.

At minute 20 of this carnival, we finally introduce all the guys present and accounted for. James gets booed. Ben gets booed. Juan Pablo is greeting by uproarious cheers AS IS HIS RIGHT. Zak W. looks like he got a brand new varnish and is now the shade of your dad’s favorite pair of loafers.

You guys I cannot handle my shit with Juan Pablo. I cannot. I know that all you other ladies feel the same because they talk to him WAY MORE than they did on the show because they had no idea what a good thing they had going. Juan Pablo, mi amor, yo puedo darte todo el amor y pasión que necesitas en la vida y a tu hija querida, seré mamá. Por favor, elige yo por su media naranja. BESOS (shout out to my bilingual homies who don’t need no Google translate).

In the package that recaps the show up to this point Kasey says, re: Desiree, “She’s a very wholesome, very pure girl which makes her all the more attractive.” I will not even get started on how horrible and backwards this fucking sentence is but it makes me mad enough to drop the first ever f-bomb in these recaps. THIS AIN’T YO MAMA’S RECAP WHERE THE FEMALE DOUBLE STANDARD OF PURITY VS. SHAMEFUL SLUT IS CONCERNED.

Kasey says “wholesome and pure” a couple more times. I violently vomit. Kasey might be more of a villain to me than Ben in terms of being annoying and backwards thinking and so self-righteous oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Diving right into the Brian with a secret girlfriend situation Chris says, “We invited Brian to be here to own up to what he had done. He chose not to. So we’re gonna chose to talk about him.” Oh Chris, so droll. Everyone agrees he was an asshole with questionable motives. The end.

I’m pulling my hair like a crazed, sycophantic girl experiencing Beatlemania as Juan Pablo talks about how weird it is that Ben saw it as a competition because he just knew that in the end it was Desiree who was calling all the shots about who she wanted to be with. He could win the Lone Ranger competition, but that doesn’t mean he wins her heart. JuanPablomania.

Ben’s time in the hot seat is up. Ugh. This bowl of oatmeal again. They show a lot of footage of him in the Tank Top of Doom: The Tank Top’s Revenge. I had forgotten what a psychopath he came off as in the limo as he left the show.

Mikey shares a nice sentiment that you should be the same man around your friends as you are around your girlfriend when Ben says one is always a different guy around a girl. Juan Pablo thinks he’s crazy; Brandon the guy who said “I love you” way too soon thinks he’s a politician; Dan Oatmeal has a big opinion because he says that Ben’s son’s mother approached Dan in Vegas. Lots of accusations being slung around the room about Ben possibly cheating on a girlfriend with his son’s mom. How’s that for complicated?

Then Chris decides to bring the other two dads into the conversation. Zak immediately brings up Juan Pablo and you guys, dare I speak it ere it come true, but they seem to be painting a pretty rosy picture of JP and they MIGHT just be setting him up to be the next Bachelor. MAYBE.

Regardless, Zak says you can tell how much JP loves his daughter because he thought of almost nothing else, in a loving way. Ben as a father on the other hand…everyone on Twitter and the Internet in general was right that the moment a guy toted his kid out on the first night, he painted himself as a royal asshole. T-Swift knows what I’m sayin.

James is up in the hot seat now. He repulses me in every way. Even if his personality was sparkling and not made of slime, I would still be repulsed by his beef-neck, juice head, beady little eyes and pointy nose. After trying and failing to justify the things that he said about being the next bachelor and what would happen when they aren’t on the show, he just comes off worse and worse. The reaction faces of the women in the audience are perfect “Hell no!”, “I’m sorry, what?” and “You are totally whack bro” faces.

Now we bring Mikey in to level about that infamous conversation that happened in Germany. How surprised are you that Kasey butts in and things escalate quickly? Not surprised at all? You are very smart. It’s the same fight that’s happened over and over. I honestly dislike Kasey more than Mikey at this point.

And you James? No. Just no. You better watch yourself around the mean streets of Chicago because so help me if I see you I will internally scream and then fumble for my phone to snag a shaky pic of you and send it to all my friends and focus so much negative energy your way. So, YEAH. Look out.

IT’S TIME FOR NON-STOP JUAN PABLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I get that long awaited moving shot of Juan Pablo in a swimsuit and then they show him dancing and all this long lost footage of him talking to his daughter and talking about his daughter and talking about having more kids. I just. You guys. Juan Pablo is my everything.

The questions Chrarrison asks JP are inconsequential because the answer always comes around to his daughter Camila. It’s all about her. I like that he’s a very devoted dad, but I have to wonder if there’s anything more to him. Is he just living off his professional soccer player money? What does he do during the week when he’s not with Camila? Would he ever consider marrying me? How often does he go back to Venezuela to see his family? What are his likes? His dislikes? How can I use those to my advantage to win his heart? These are the questions I’m asking myself while ogling his majestic face.

Sadly our time with Juan Pablo has come to an end and now we must talk to our antique leather football helmet Zak. He actually had more of a connection with Des than I gave him credit for, despite being a self-described buffoon. He clearly felt a lot for her because he bought her a promise ring, told her he loved her, then was very sad when he got dumped.

Zak has a surprisingly good sense of humor about himself. He admits that he is a bold guy who comes on “a little strong”. He admits that he’s very enthusiastic and that he’s sad about how hard it is to meet people. Oh, Zak, just when I think I could make fun of you forever you go and make me feel sad for you.

Surprise poetry corner! Remember that journal he gave Desiree in the beginning? Well he wrote a poem in invisible ink in the last few pages and we shall read it for you now.

Love is it

The only reason to open your home to a stranger

The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom

No risk is too great

No apprehension justifiable

All hope is rooted in it

Because love is our only hope for happiness

And I am happy to say – this is love

Now, it may not be Byron. It may not be Keats. But that is far and away more of a real poem than that watery thin gruel of “poetry” that Chris spoon feeds Desiree every week. Zak admits he is still in love with Des. Hoo buoy.

And just like that Desiree arrives in a gold spangley dress Tina Turner would surely envy. They recap what I’ve already recapped about the drama from Jonathan the fantasy suite guy, to Brian the adulterer, to Ben the butthead. Desiree asserts that she felt Ben was insincere and can feel him trying to put forth a persona that people will like. She also confronts James for being manipulative and combative.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Zak W wrote her a song and there is a guitar sitting next to him. Oh and he’s picking it up! Desiree actually gasps, “oh, no!” as he approaches her on the dais to perform his broken heart song. Oh let me die. Let me die before I have to see and hear this. Oh NO. Zak NOOOO.

Zak has a lovely country singing voice. Sincerely. It’s not my kind of song and he has a heavy twang, but this is a song he could sell to any current country artist. There are women actually crying in the audience. Stop crying. Desiree gives him a hug to say thank you.

Then Chrarrison announces with the most excitement he can muster, “Everybody’s favorite part of this show: bloopers.” I laugh out loud for real at some of the goings on. Click here to view it and enjoy the more candid moments of the show

The preview for the “Bachelorette shocking two part finale” is up next. Weird things are afoot. Extenuating circumstances methinks are the cause of all the strife happening and not one guy necessarily being an ass. Chrarrison knows that he has said the words “the most emotionally wrought finale ever” but this time he means it. There are tears happening all over the place. What is going on?! What will happen?!

I can’t wait. Thanks for checking in and I’ll see you all next Wednesday for the recap of the first part of the finale. Until then, check me out at @chasspod. Journey on, journeyers!

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

It's hometowns, y'all! In what always promises to be, and frequently delivers, a very full episode of shenanigans, drama and love. Des is also defying all laws of logic and reason and bringing back her brother to talk about the guys.

Before we get to that circus, let's start with a real freak show: Zak and his family in Dallas, Texas. Des seems to be as shocked as we are about Zak making it far enough to meet his family. He warns us that if we think he's crazy (we do), his family is really crazy (oh God). Zak and Des have the first part of their day in a pretty park. He really won't let the sketching/art thing go, so he's once again toting a sketch book to show he’s artsy and likes things she likes?

Not caring about other people’s dreams has been the butt of everyone’s jokes lately, but Zak is blissfully unaware as he tells Des a really long, weird, and involved dream he had about her the night before. You can see the confusion written on her pretty little face. Then Zak leaves her by a gazebo and returns in…a sno-cone truck? That is a part of his life? Am I missing something? Is the fluid for which he is a drilling engineer high fructose corn syrup? It’s the “family sno-cone business”, so I guess that’s a thing.

The sno-cone truck whisks them away to an elementary school where they are schilling out sno-cones to screaming children. The mob pounds their sticky little hands on the truck and hug Zak as he runs out in a giant penguin suit. The two basically treat this as a test for how the other would be as a parent because neither is running away screaming from the throngs of children. I hate this. Come on, bro. This joi de vivre can only go so far and ONE SKETCHBOOK does not a serious person make.

“This is where I get my lunacy from, and I just hope they don’t scare Desiree off,” Zak confides to camera. As soon as they walk in the house, the family explodes to say hello. His family is completely flabbergasted as Zak tells them about his limo entrance. They also have a kind of forced joy that is exhausting. If you told me any of them had sincerely been circus performers at one point in life, I would believe you.

Desiree has the talks with the family and one by one wins them over. Mom Maryann is convinced they’re meant to be. Sister is guarded though because she doesn’t want him to get hurt. Oh sister, prepare yourself for the worst. Zak and his mom talk about how long he’s been waiting for a worthwhile love, and the whole time I’m just cringing because I am 99% sure, sparing any real fights or showdowns, that Zak is not getting a rose tonight.

Oh good now the real horror show is beginning because Zak and his brother and sister will now sing the song Zak wrote in Atlantic City only now “the words have been changed to reflect how my family feels about you.” Three part harmony, two parts the sister is treating this like an audition, one part his brother actually seems pretty chill and has a great voice. Oh my god let me die: “Oh Desiree, now we can see/ Your place among our family!”

The time has officially come for Zak to finally tell Desiree that he is in love with her. He takes out a box that he’s been carrying around since he bought it in Atlantic City, warns her not to freak out, and shows her this cheap little chachki ring. It symbolizes his love and commitment for her. She maintains a calm face as they kiss.

Oh poor Zak. Poor, poor Zak. He tells us, “Needless to say, five years down the road, Des and I will still be together and we’ll look back on today as the perfect day.” Oh no, oh sweetie. He says more and more stuff of that ilk and I’m more and more sad for his impending broken heart.

Now we’re headed to Scottsdale, Arizona to meet Drew’s family. The first thing Drew and Des do is hug and kiss a bunch which again is a kiss of death for Zak since he and Des barely kissed. Let’s leave Zak out of this though. Drew is too cute.

We’ll be meeting Drew’s dad Mal, his mom Linda and his step-dad Bob, brother Mal, sister Angela, sister Meghan and her husband and their two kids. That’s…a lot. Drew also tells Desiree that this is the first time his Dad is going to his mom’s house. Yikes.

We also have to go pick up his sister Melissa, the one with a dependent mental handicap. She lives in a house with two other girls in a similar situation and a few full-time care takers. That is amazing. I really appreciate that up until this point, we hadn’t heard much about Melissa from Drew. He wasn’t exploiting her as a way to get screen time/close to Des. I mean she’s here now, but that seems like more a genuine “I want you to meet everyone in my family and she’s an important part of that” thing. The smile on Drew’s face as he greets his sister and looks at her is blinding. Ugh. So adorable.

Eleven. Eleven is the total number of people at this family gathering. I guess they are all important, but still, talk about overwhelming. They put over four bottles of wine on the table though, so I like this family already.

Drew’s mom is protective of her baby of the family, but the way Drew talks about her to his mom convinces her (and me SHEESH). Then Drew’s Dad tells Desiree that angels are real because Melissa is a real life angel and THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. He is so cute. His mom is teary eyed at his conviction when he says “I could get down on one knee for her.” His dad is very sincere, a little intense, but sweet. He gives Drew his blessing by saying, “If you want to marry this girl, I’ll throw you a party.”

This was the picture of what a great hometown date should be. “I want to join Drew’s family right now. I want to stay,” says Desiree. Now Drew just has to tell her that he loves her after telling his whole family. He doesn’t but any ribbons or bows on it, he just says it, says, “I love you. I just do.” AHGGGHALKDFJALSJDFOAWERAWOEDFALSJDLKFAJSDFJ NOW IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE I FEEL THINGS

Ok. Composure regained, let us journey onward to McMinnville, Oregon for Chris’s hometown. I just love that Chris is from Oregon. He’s pretty freaking cute all excited to introduce his family.

Apparently Chris played professional baseball? I thought maybe it was just a college thing. And now I can’t remember for the life of me what it says as his occupation in his little bio thing that flashes across the screen. Huh. Anyways, they’re going to play a little baseball at the park where he first played little league. ADORABLE.

I mean, again, making me feel feelings. The date they have just playing baseball in a park is the best date on the season this far – no helicopters, no private concert, no hot tugs, just two people being cute, having fun.

Desiree brought some drawings of their relationship instead of poetry corner. The drawings are less diarrhea-inducing embarrassing, so it’s nice. She is actually pretty nervous to meet his family because she wants them to like her so much. Chris reassures her that she has nothing to worry about.

His house is very rustic, almost a log cabin, very Oregon and woodsy. Chris has a younger sister, an older sister and an older brother. Dad is very quiet and weird; he’s a chiropractor in Oregon, so you can imagine. Dad decides to realign Desiree’s spine, and she’s very uncomfortable with all the shop-talk and not talking about Chris. Also all the touching. Lots of touching.

So now Chris has come downstairs to his father’s office to talk about Des while getting his head realigned via his nostrils. There’s some balloon-like, phallic shaped thing his dad is sticking up his nose while they both calmly discuss how much Chris is in love with Desiree. AMAZING STUFF. This bizarre turn makes me like Chris way more that his family is nuts.

His mother is so soft spoken and just lovely. She’s very protective and worried about her son’s happiness. Apparently none of Chris’ family liked his last girlfriend, and now he’s worried about them liking Des. The producers are playing creepy spiritual “new-age” music over the conversation with Des and his mom.

Chris was nervous about how long his mom and her talked, but no worries guys, she gives him her blessing. They both like how independent, strong, and confident she is. Mom tears up giving a toast. I love this family, and I really love their house. I can’t stop imagining it in the fall. I would like to be part of that family, Des should too.

The final stop on our tour is Salt Lake City, Utah for the hometown date with surprise Mormon Brooks! Desiree is head over heels for Brooks and very open about it. Brooks, however, is less sure and is trying to figure it out here with his family. He tells her though that he’s having a hard time with the “process” of not seeing her for long periods of time and her dating other guys.

She has a whole list of things that she loves about their relationship thus far. It’s sappy but sweet and he adds some moments of his own. It was good for him to hear those things and for him to hear that she feels so strongly about him. As the date goes on, he becomes more and more comfortable and happier and happier with her. They go canoeing in a lake and it’s very romantic until he tries to kiss her and tips the canoe a little bit. “We took on water!” Brooks yells to the producers in the other canoe. Oh, Brooks, so droll.

Brooks has a huge Mormon family that jumps up and gives her a group hug when Desiree walks in. There are so many of them that they made nametags for siblings and significant others. Des knows how important it is to reassure Brooks here with his family so he can feel comfortable letting his feelings bloom.

A couple key family members pull Brooks aside as Des talks with his mom about their love and feelings. His gorgeous sister gives some very sound advice. This whole family is just beautiful. Like, the cardigan he’s wearing is this gorgeous knit, textured shawl collared thing, and I’m obsessed with it. He’s putting a lot of stake in the approval of his mom. But don’t worry, Mom approves in a diplomatic sort of way.

“Tonight was a big night. I feel closer to seeing Desiree and I in the union of marriage than ever before,” beams Brooks. I’m worried though because Brooks is the only guy who hasn’t said “I love you” to Desiree yet, and he’s the only guy that she has said that she’s in love with. Oh, it is much ado!

The only thing left in this episode is to deal with Desiree’s nightmare of an ex-con brother Nate. Desiree is using this meeting as an opportunity to gauge how her brother might react if she allows him to meet the final two guys. We find out right away that they haven’t seen each other since her hometown date, and that she didn’t speak to him for a few months after. She glares at him and he just laughs. It is a tense sibling relationship.

He’s so combative about everything Desiree says to him. She tells Nate about each guy and why she likes him. He patiently listens and tells her he’d love to meet them. She basically says “no way” to him meeting these guys. If the previews have anything to say about it, this won’t be the last we see of him tonight.

Rather than a fireside chat at the mansion, we sit down with Chrarrison at the Beverly Hilton to discuss love and the families. Desiree talks about how she can feel the love from Brooks even though he hasn’t said the words to her. She talks about how Chris had a bit of a rough hometown date. She talks about how hard it’s going to be to say good-bye to someone because she knows that no one sees a good-bye coming.

As she voices over her decision making process, we see each man enter the hotel in his snazzy best. And just as Des says that there’s nothing standing in her way to finding happiness with one man for the rest of her life, we see little Nate peeking out from behind a corner. That it though. Nothing else. What a let down.

The rose ceremony is on the rooftop of the hotel in a lovely setting with the traditional Bachelorette blue and purple lighting. Desiree cries as she tells the guys how hard it will be to say good-bye after meeting everyone’s lovely family.

Surprise, surprise Brooks is the first name called. Then it’s my dawg Chris. Leaving Drew and Zak. I think we can all make an educated guess as to whose name she’ll call. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd it’s Drew. Duh.

I still feel bad for Zak though. It’s always hard to leave right after introducing someone to your family. His crazy eyes are at their craziest. Desiree cries as she wishes him the very best in the world, and he is the quietest he’s ever been. She gives back that heinous promise ring. Oh this is grim. You’re ok, boo boo. Everyone’s got love coming their way; yours just isn’t Desiree. He goes so far as to throw the ring out of the limo.

That’s all she wrote, folks. Next week is the Men Tell All special where there would normally just be the final three dates. There was a good share of drama this season, so I’m looking forward to it. I have to wonder though, with the previews they’ve shown us, is there an underlying reason to bumping up the date of the Men Tell All? Could something be awry? Time will tell. Until next Wednesday, catch up with me @chasspod. See you then, journeyers.

Henley Monday -

Dylan O'brien is blowing up. With a starring role on MTV's Teen Wolf and the lead role Thomas in the upcoming film Maze Runner, he's set to become a household name and regular heartthrob. This still of him in a henley and mucked up workboots is from the aforementioned dystopian film.

They had me at dystopia and the costume designer reeled me in at henley.

"Turn the World Around" - Muppets and Acceptance in a Weird World

It goes without saying that it's been a weird couple of days in the news, in the world. People are feeling angry and people are feeling sad and people are feeling helpless. And in my desire to ease a little bit of the hurt and confusion, I wanted to share something uplifting. This song quickly came to mind.

From the 1979 episode of the Muppet Show hosted by Harry Belafonte, it's called "Turn the World Around". The song is simple, and its message isn't as much about equality as it is about understanding. An understanding of universality that is the key to stopping any hostility felt and acted on towards a perceived "other", and an understanding of universality that reminds us that we are never alone in this life because we are connected at the deepest, most basic level. Things it would do us all well to remember right about now. It was Jim Henson's favorite musical number the Muppet Show ever did.

But that's enough from me, I'll let Harry do the rest.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

We're joining our Lady Desiree on the exotic isle of Madeira, the largest island in an archipelago belonging to Portugal and off the coast of Morroco. And they say you can't learn from watching this show!

Tensions are high even after last week’s relieving loss of James, as hometowns are close on the horizon. But in the meantime, everyone is amped up about being in Madeira given that not one of them has ever heard of it before.

The way Desiree says “potential” is really irritating. She hyper-pronounces the first syllable so it’s “PO-ten-tchall” rather than “puh-TEN-shall”. It’s really important that she sees a POtential future with any guy she keeps around.

OH MY GOSH! DESIREE HAS COMPLIED WITH THE PRODUCERS’ WISH TO BRING BACK FORMER CONTESTANTS FOR ADVICE AND FULFILLED MY DREAMS. I love when they do this. It is always a welcome breath of fresh air.

We see Catherine, Lesley, and Jackie (huh? I mean ok?) lounging about by the pool. First everyone awkwardly makes fart faces as Catherine tells them how she and their collective ex-boyfriend are doing in their relationship.

Lesley brings her assertive opinions that we love her for. Everyone gives general advice about finding someone sincere and fun, but then it gets great because Catherine has binoculars. They all share the binoculars to ogle the remaining guys. The guys are basically prancing around and preening in the pool for this exact moment.

Catherine then asks a series of questions like best eyes, best smile, most athletic, and then biggest dick. Desiree looks scandalized but Catherine just giggles away. Guys Catherine is the best; can she just stick around and bring some fun to this otherwise kind of boring season?

The girls disperse as we leave in a smart car for Brooks’ first one-on-one date since the first episode. Madeira is incredibly beautiful, and the date mostly consists of them driving around, seeing the sights, and being pretty cute. They have a picnic on top of a mountain inside of a cloud. Brooks is very sincere and so accessibly handsome. He doesn’t make me uncomfortable with his good looks, but is still a good looking guy.

The way the clouds are moving is all very romantic and otherworldly. Soaring music cuts in over a montage of them kissing and holding each other and telling the camera how much the journey means to them.

On the ramparts of an old part of the city, Des and Brooks have a candlelit dinner. He is wearing this giant, chunky striped cardigan. I love it. He’s got a good sense of style where he brings his own spin to things. Brooks tells Desiree all about his family and how important it is when a girl meets his family blah blah blah. He cries about his dad blah blah. His brothers and sisters are supportive blah.

But uh-oh. Brooks admits that his emotions might be a little farther behind where Desiree’s are. He’s unsure whether or not he’s serious enough about her to really introduce her to his family. But then fireworks start and he’s like “yeah I’d love to bring you home to them.” So, that’s interesting.

We need to make an additional rule for the Bachelor/ette Drinking Game about whenever there is a private fireworks show.

Chris is getting the other one-on-one date. I think we all know what that means: POETRY CORNER! Chris is super nervous about his date because he wants to tell her that he loves her. “I want to take her home very badly,” is a thing Chris says and also something a murderer would say.

This guy is such a goober. He fist pumps and says “drinking vino” and squeals like a lady when Des tells him they’re heading out to the open sea on a yacht. They sensually apply sun block as Chris tells us about their deep physical attraction.

In the middle of a meadow filled with wildflowers with cliffs to their backs and sea to the front, the couple shares a picnic. I feel like every conversation they have is the same, just in different beautiful settings. I mean obviously they like each other but it’s always “what do you imagine family to be?” and “being open and fun is really important to me” or some version of that.

Y’all. You all. Chris brought a bottle and some paper so that the two of them can WRITE A POEM TOGETHER AND PUT IT IN A BOTTLE AND THROW IT OUT TO SEA. They are writing “poetry” together. It is so much worse than I could have hoped for. After finishing it and remarking “not too bad” (I WOULD BEG TO DIFFER), they share a kiss and throw the bottle out to sea.

Random shot of a stray cat! Then dinner in a winery. Chris is geeking out to tell Des that he’s in love with her. I’m nervous for him but sad that it won’t come in the form of an ABAB rhyme-scheme poem. Chris and Des talk about how many kids they want and how family size is important. This obviously leads them to talk about what it will be like for Des to meet his family and how many of Desiree’s boyfriends her family has met. She says they only met her high school boyfriend and neglects to mention that one FATEFUL EVENING THEY ALL MET SEAN WHO YEAH WE SHOULD CLASSIFY AS A BOYFRIEND BECAUSE THE “L” WORD WAS USED. Interesting.

Chris is very awkward and sweating and twitchy he’s so nervous to tell her. My roommate accurately points out that at least his nerves show that his feelings for Des are real.

OH JUST KIDDING GUYS, HE DID WRITE A POEM. HE IS A TOUCHED LITTLE PSYCHO WHO BRINGS ME GREAT JOY:

INDIVIDUALLY DEFINED – is just the NAME of this poem. Oh man. OH man.

The strongest words with so much meaning

Hard to say without a stammer

But when expressed with true feeling

Sincere for no other word can mean so much more

LIKE - the time we have, atop the hotel 17 above

Feelings had changed and were, oh, so real

Meant to be is how I feel.

Our hearts are open

Words expressed by you

Feelings that I know are so true

I look forward to the unknown

Appreciate youre emotion you have shown

And I am also hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home

Expressed in writing and felt through touch

Enjoy this moment and embrace this rush

The strongest words with so much meaning

Not so hard to believe it’s true

Our hearts are open

And in every kiss I truly mean

That I love you.

Desiree, of course, eats it right up. She tears up and kisses his big dumb cute face. You can see how happy she is when she hears those three little words. Romance ensues as they walk arm in arm through a moonlight park and kiss and kiss. I can see these two going far.

“At this point, it’s not about ‘Am I going home this week or next week?’ it’s about when do we get to start the rest of our lives together? When do we get to start that?” Chris you melt my heart of stone every time! Stop it!!!!

Ugh. Michael has his one-on-one date. I would just rather not watch him do anything. At this point, not only is his sexual orientation dubious, but he’s just not at all my kind of guy. He’s a little aggressive and just dorky. He picks out a necklace that color coordinates with her outfit. HE’S GAY. AND NOT EVEN COMPATIBLE WITH DESIREE. What is going on? The date has them going around town and eating by a park and going on a concrete toboggan.

“When I kiss her I feel a flood of emotions,” he says. A flood of emotions about how you like boys and not girls, Michael? I don’t know. Michael wants to tell Desiree that he’s falling in love with her. I have to object. He is a just a little butthole who also had a rough childhood blah blah blah. He has diabetes blah blah. He has a deadbeat dad blah. The date is sort of fine. I do not see Michael going farther than this.

Ok the heart of the matter is here: the two-on-one starring Drew and Zak. No one is being sent home on the date today, but one guy will get a rose to rest easy the rest of the week. I’m pretty much in awe that Crazy Eyes is this far into the game.

“I’m totally in love with this woman, and I’ve known her for weeks,” says Zak. Is he saying that like he knows how completely psycho that sounds? Or is he saying that like it’s a normal, fine thing?

As the ultimate in romance, they will be doing intense go-kart racing. How exotic and unique to the island of Madeira. Des has the two boys race one another to win a special prize. Drew gives his entire interview about this with a giant helmet covering 90% of his face. Zak, once again, makes the analogy of go-kart racing to the journey of love. Way to go Zak. Two for two.

Zak wins. We don’t know what the prize is yet. In the mean time, the group settles into a ratchet little picnic on two dinky blankets in the grass of the track surrounded by crash tires. The rose is even displayed on a tiny go-kart tire! What the hell producers?! We really dropped the ball on this one, didn’t we?

Despite the lack of ambience, Desiree admits that she’s having a comfortable, fun time on this date. Zak’s prize is that he gets to have alone time with her first. He has acquired some cray-pas and filled a sketch book with pictures of their time together. The first is a drawing of some abs from the first night they met. It’s goofy and dumb, but I can’t help thinking it is a sweet gesture. In the end, Zak decides not to confess to Desiree that he’s falling in love with her.

 Next up is Drew’s time. He tells us that he has carefully curated his thoughts and emotions so he can properly express them to Desiree. He is such a sweet little type-A peach. Desiree almost cries as he tells her about his sister who has some kind of disability. He just says that she’s severely mentally handicapped and can’t properly express her emotions but can feel all the love and excitement for her family. You can tell that Des is heart set on meeting Drew’s family. That rose has his name on it.

Both guys really want the rose to feel confident that the emotions they feel for Des are reciprocated. After a speech thanking the men for their time and care, she gives the rose to Drew. I kneeeeeew it.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN the ominous beat thuds as the men pack and anxiously await their fate at the rose ceremony. Desiree’s dress is a stunning, draped blue number. It is like liquid on her and the color is amazing. She sits down for a lil fireside chat with Chrarrison.

Desiree, while talking about her relationships with the men, begins to cry. Particularly over Brooks because she didn’t know that she’d even have these kinds of emotions but is scared because he hasn’t said that he loves her. She wants to believe the best. When Chrarrison asks her point blank if “this” (the process) is over, she says it isn’t because she also is falling in love with Chris! While this isn’t shocking, it’s surprising that we get such a candid interview with her at this point in the process. Typically we don’t hear the “L” word from a Bachelor/ette until much later on.

After a speech from Chrarrison and a speech from Desiree that she’s falling in love, the rose ceremony gets down to business. Before she calls the names I can predict what happens: first up is Brooks, then Chris, leaving Michael and Zak. I predicted that correctly, you’ll have to trust me. The final rose goes to…Zak. I thought that would be the case, but I wasn’t as sure with him. Michael appears heartbroken and sad, and I am just so happy to see him go.

This rose ceremony is always one of the hardest to watch. Oftentimes the guys take it so personally that she didn’t want to go home and meet their families, but usually it’s not the family that’s the problem. Michael is very respectful in how he leaves her though. He’s “heartbroken” but wishes her nothing but the best and thinks the world of her. If he’s going to go holding onto the lie that he likes girls, at least he leaves like a respectful gentleman. The first thing he does though is call his mom.

Well kids, that wraps up this week in Madeira. Hometowns are next week and that always makes for an interesting night. I hope. We really need to pick things up here. Ok gang, follow me on twitter @chasspod in the interim, and check back next Wednesday for the recap!

Henley Monday -

It's hotter than blazes outside and the humidity in most parts of the country is about 110%. The air is a moist, thick soup that clings to the body like a koala bear to a tree. So the only appropriate recourse is to hide in air conditioning and look at pictures of guys in henleys as hot as sun soaked pavement.

Enter Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds fame. He plays a heroic, uber-masculine, courageous, smooth-talking FBI agent on the TV and I have a feeling he may have a few of those very same characteristics in real life as well.

Bless you Shemar, for many seasons of your procedural crime drama to come.

My Top Independence Day Movies (Independence Day not included)

Yes, you read that right. I am not including the seminal Will Smith action flick Independence Day in my list of most patriotic movies. Do I always enjoy a viewing of it? Sure, but it doesn't exactly need my endorsement. Let's take a look at some lesser known, equally good films that would perfectly accent your July 4th and why you should choose them over the Patriot or Top Gun or Die Hard (which is a Christmas movie anyway).

1)      Waiting for Guffman (1997) – A mockumentary style film from Christopher Guest and Co. (This is Spinal Tap; Best in Show; A Mighty Wind). It follows a group of small-town-American characters as they prepare for the fictional Blaine, Missouri’s sesquicentennial celebration, the centerpiece of which is a musical covering the town’s history called “Red, White, & Blaine.” It is a hilarious portrait of the American spirit captured in all the bizarre, oddities of the classic Small Town. You’ll find yourself quoting your favorite moments for years to come.

2)      Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999) –Another mockumentary that chronicles small-town American life, this time in Mt. Rose. Minnesota. We follow the various contestants in the Mt. Rose Miss American Teen Princess beauty pageant, and the contestants range from the dopey cheerleader (Amy Adams in her film debut) to the theater geek (Brittany Murphy at her absolute best) to sweet underdog protagonist who practices her tap dancing while working in the morgue (Kirsten Dunst). This movie moves seamlessly from the sublime to the ridiculous, satirizing not only beauty pageants but the politics of the Midwest small-town. Another one with quotable moments every other minute.

3)      Wet Hot American Summer (2001) – Everyone in this movie is someone who has made you laugh till your stomach hurts in something (or everything) else they have done in their careers. Pulling heavily from members of the sketch comedy group The State, it has everyone from David Hyde Pierce to Amy Poehler to Molly Shannon to Paul Rudd to Ken Marino to an infantile Bradley Cooper (AND MANY, MANY MORE!). Directed by David Wain (Role Models; Wanderlust), we see the goings on of the last day at Camp Firewood and mainly the romantic endeavors of the counselors and camp directors. It is weird and offbeat and joyous and dark and a beautiful picture of the kind of summer we all wish we could have again (kind of – give or take a few things like refrigerator humping). Oh yeah, did I mention beloved Detective Stabler, Christopher Meloni, humps a refrigerator?

  4)      Captain America : the First Avenger (2011) – BECAUSE – DUH. It would not be a proper list of All-American movies if I neglected to include All-American superhero Captain America portrayed by All-American beef cake Chris Evans. It takes place during World War II the most nostalgically “good-guys” period of American history, there is a song entitled “The Star Spangled Man with a Plan” and Steve Rodgers is…hoo…he is, uhh…the kind of man with the kind of courage, heart, head of hair, and muscles I think we all wish we could be (myself included). It’s got a good little story and a good bit of action and just a little splash of romance to make a great 4th of July flick. And also, look, yeah, if maybe you double featured this with Marvel's the Avengers I’m not going to do anything to stop you that sounds great.

The Bachelorette - Episode 6 Recap

Welcome to what looks to be the most tumultuous episode of the Bachelorette yet. This season, more than any other, we have questionable guys with questionable motives, and some, even, with questionable sexual orientation. Spain looks to hold many a beautiful vista and many a tearful dude, so let's behold la locura.

I’m going to be honest with you guys and say that I’m most excited that they have brought Juan Pablo to Spain where his true beauty and adorableness will show through. I’m also excited for how much everyone is going to cry. As soon as the guys set foot in Barcelona (so jealous oh my GOSH) the Good Guys Club is already gunning to bring down King James.

First win for the GGC is that Drew, who one might call their captain, gets the first one-on-one date. Drew is very, very good looking, but I don’t much about him. I hope he uses his time to be a good dude and not just policing James.

They get to just explore one of the most beautiful and culturally significant cities in the world. *Sigh* How wonderful. It’s raining and they get hot chocolate and kiss at an open air café and, of course, eat tapas. Drew tells Desiree all about his dad who is a recovering alcoholic and how much he means to him. Some of the things he shares are things he’s never told anyone before. He’s such a little cutie all vulnerable like this. Desiree eats it right up and is swooning over his ability to be so open.

The Barcelona day has turned into a romantic noche. They have dinner in a candlelit courtyard. In his little interview Drew keeps saying that his “thoughts and emotions are running crazy”. He looks a little pink in the face, perhaps too much vino, Drew? Anyway, he’s got something up his sleeve.

He steals Des away from the courtyard so the two of them can make out in a dark, cobblestone corridor. It is pretty caliente, my friends. Way to go, Drew. Coming alive!

He has a mega-watt smile and it beams through the darkness as he gets the date rose. But he decides to ruin the moment by telling Desiree all about the James situation he bore witness to. She is pissed off. You can see the fire ignite behind her eyes, but she is very grateful to Drew for telling her.

The next day, we see the Good Guys Club have a pre-workout meeting about what Drew told Desiree. They are much pleased that she now knows the truth before the group date that James will also be on.

The group date is going to Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo. So not only is Crazy Eyes Zak getting a one-on-one date, but Juan Pablo is not getting a one-on-one date in Spain. Fine. He’s a little wary too because he is missing being with his daughter to be here. Oh no. Oh please Juan Pablo. Have faith. “Paciencia y fé” as they say.

OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. THEY ARE PLAYING SOCCER AT THE RCD FÚTBOL CLUB SO JUAN PABLO SHOULD BE IN TOP FORM. He is like a panther out there, soaking in the sun, juggling the ball, scoring goals, stealing my corazón. All the guys know just how much this day is going to be about JP, and Brooks is adorably goofy about it. Brooks knows what’s up.

After practicing, they set up for a scrimmage of the Boys against Desiree and a professional woman’s soccer team. The dudes are incredibly, disgustingly sexist about it. Kasey says he was looking up with his game face, but stopped worrying once he saw girls. Brooks calls them girl scouts. But Juan Pablo, ever the gentleman, says “They could be really good players. But if they think they’re winning, that’s not gonna happen.” That’s more the spirit of competition and less the MISOGYNIST GARBAGE THE OTHER GUYS SPEWED.

The guys score the first two goals, and then it’s goal after goal after goal for the girls’ team. James is the worst goalie of all time. The women win 10 to 2. The girls have fun and celebrate, but the guys are busy being furious at James for just existing and also not even making an effort at goal tending.

Kasey is spearheading the GGC at the group date cocktail party. The party is at Des’ quarters for their stay in Spain. It’s this gorgeous old stone house with a courtyard and everything.

She takes Chris up to her bedroom, and they are precious together. You can see how much they actually like each other. Oh my god DES WROTE A POEM FOR CHRIS. THIS IS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING:

From the first night, one knee on the ground

Charming and handsome

Instant attraction was found

At the dodgeball game

It was apparent; no shame

On top of that roof, overlooking that view

That was the moment I knew sparks grew

Dancing in the street the moments of bliss

Solidified my feelings for Chris

As the clock ticks, timing never late

For the connections to form each and every day

And the rose to one day grant us our fate

I look forward to the unknown and appreciate the emotion you have shown

I am hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home.

  So, I guess it’s not as bad as Chris’s, but it’s kind of like comparing rotten apples to rotten oranges. They are obviously super into each other though, so if this is how they show it, then I’ll have to make peace with that.

Downstairs the Good Guys Club decides to confront James man-to-man about what Kasey and Drew overheard. The rest of the GGC is assembled to bear witness. James looks stunned after Kasey finishes his speech. Then a dramatic cut to commercial!

We’re back. We first cut to Desiree and Brooks being snuggly together. I get the two of them together. They are both kind of weird and just sweet people. But Brooks is worried about missing the gauntlet being thrown down to James.

Kasey is still heading up the GGC, but of course Michael, the harbinger of justice, has latched onto the attack. James is immediately defensive and part of what he says actually inclines me to believe him. Just a little bit.

Chris tries really hard to corral Michael and James from a full on blowout. Ok. Here is what I believe. James just went along with what Mikey said about intimate settings on his boat. He is not guilty there. But he is so deeply on the defensive about not saying that he wanted to be the next Bachelor, that he definitely feels that way. James flies off the handle on all of the GGC, including Chris who is just an innocent bystander at this point.

Kasey then takes it upon himself to tell Desiree about the whole situation again. This time he has the recent confrontation to bring to evidence, but nothing else new to bring. He also is such a dud. I’m sure he’s a good person, but man he is not even that great to look at for how bland he is.

After she’s given all the information, Desiree decides she needs to not give out the date rose and just have a chat with James. “The wall’s are closing in on James, and s**t’s about to hit the fan,” Desiree delivers.

They sit down to talk. Desiree sits down like a normal person on the chaise lounge and James reclines like a Roman senator. And in that one movement, James sums up he’s entire being. After Desiree tells James why she’s so upset with him, James starts the crocodile tears. He is on the defensive and lying and throwing Mikey right under the bus.

He’s talking too much and making too many excuses. I don’t even like James in the first place, so I’d just love to get rid of him for some more Juan Pablo time. James even goes so far as to say that Kasey and Drew made up those things because they’re jealous of the connection he and Des have. HA HA HA. Ok.

Now they are both crying. James waffles around a bit more. I don’t know you guys. I don’t know what she even has to be unsure of. This is so stupid. At the end of all this, she decides she needs to sleep on it. That is a fair assessment and good judgment on her part. But I’m sure the guys are going to be hellaciously furious.

Oh look at this, they are all sitting around talking about what a butthole James is and how he had this coming, but he’s on his way back to the hotel right now. They are not pleased to see him one bit. I don’t even know the truth at this point because James is crying a lot, but it could be tears of a guy who feels caught? I DON’T KNOW. I just don’t know anything at this point.

Zak is a good guy. He has crazy eyes and orange skin but he seems nice. He’s worried about how last night’s events could affect Desiree on the date today. Desiree has an “artistic afternoon” planned for their date to find their “inner Picasso”. Good heavens. The most famous artist out of Barcelona is Gaudi not Picasso, you idiots.

They have fun. They really laugh. They even have to sketch a nude model in their art class. Zak is a surprisingly great sport about the naked dude in the room though. Desiree even falls to the floor laughing at the self portraits they draw of each other.

Then Zak comes out in a robe! HOW RIBALD! He strikes some poses when he drops the robe to reveal his tightie-whities! Oh how they joke. This is the problem with Zak though. He actually is pretty fun and a sweet guy, but his tan is so, so gross. I just wish he would tone down some of the tanning and teeth bleaching and just be more “natural” as it were. I think I could picture him and Des more if he did.

For dinner the couple gets to dine in the deep of a cavas winery. It is old world and gorgeous.  Desiree seems to really be feeling Zak. And we all know from last week how she feels about his kissing ability. Zak shares his happy but boring childhood, but sweetens the pot by sharing how much he loves the spirit of adventure. Desiree really likes that.

After a spicy little kiss, Desiree gives him the rose. “At this point in my life, you kinda mean everything to me,” Zak tells her. I’m distracted by the fact that there are two untouched steaks on the table in front of them. Why wouldn’t you eat your steak?! They make out in a dark alley of the wine cellar.

Back in Hotel Hell, James decides to calmly confront Drew about what was overheard and what he told Des. James actually keeps his cool more than Drew in this fight. James kind of admits to saying he could become the Bachelor, but tries to justify it and say that it’s ok? I’m unclear on the logic, needless to say it’s flawed. In trying to get Drew to understand, James only alienates him more.

Michael’s favorite thing is hyperbole as he calls James “evil and sinister”. So maybe he’s not a good guy, but is he the devil’s handmaid? No. He’s not. Desiree comes a-calling to send King James on his merry way. Desiree knows that James needs to go home and doesn’t believe that she can trust him.

But as they sit on the steps of the hotel, with the guys overlooking from the balcony, Desiree becomes confused. She thinks he’s being sincere when he says dumb stuff like “I feel more alive than I did before.”

How is she this conflicted about THIS guy? I mean if it was Brooks or Chris? YEAH. Feel conflicted. But this jerk wad? Ugh. He is getting some little boob sweat patches on his lilac button up shirt. The way they leave things is that she will make her decision as she sees fit at the rose ceremony. Desiree needs time alone to figure this one out. Again.

The Good Guys Club ain’t havin’ it. Uh-uh, no way, Jose! They rehash all the same old stuff and fight a lot with James who gets too heated blah blah blah. I’m just ready for this to be over. I want to know his fate.

Michael sums it all up nicely by saying, “If James gets a rose tonight, I think the group is gonna collectively s*** themselves."

The rose ceremony this week is in a palace at the end of a pier in the blue twilight of the Mediterranean Sea. Without a cocktail party, the men merely assemble in suits to prepare themselves for the worst, hoping for the best. Three whole guys are leaving tonight! Deep, deep cuts.

First up is Chris, then Brooks, and we’re already at the final rose. I would love for Juan Pablo to stay, but I fear the worst for him. Oh Gosh. I don’t even care about James. OH MAN IT’S MICHAEL. SHE KEEPS MICHAEL. MAN. OF ALL THE GUYS LEFT. I mean yaaay James is gone, but like MICHAEL?!

This means Kasey is leaving which is no skin off my back. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO! My main hombre Juan Pablo is also leaving and I’m the most sad! The poor guy just wants to have more kids and find a good mom for his daughter Camila which also WHY DIDN’T WE GET TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THAT???

And James is going. Good bye and good riddance. You won’t be missed.

Moving on immediately from King James, next week’s episode in Madeira looks CRAZY!!! There are tears and heartbreak and is it possible that Drew is a complete and utter a-hole? I can’t wait to find out! You’ll just have to tune in with me next week, y’all. Until then, you know where to find me @chasspod and here on the Polar Bear for other fun tidbits of pop culture. Kisses!

BONUS PIC OF JUAN PABLO AND HIS DAUGHTER MY HEART MELTSSSS

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Hey kids. I can finally deliver to you last week’s Bachelorette recap. Moving is crazy and without internet in the house, things got overwhelming, so I put this on the back burner. But enough with excuses, let’s dive in!

We are just about halfway through Desiree's journey towards love, and hopefully things can only get really, really good from here. This week we finally go abroad-abroad to Munich, Germany. Let's see what kind of shit hits the proverbial fan, shall we?

The dudes are all properly stoked to be in Germany, and who can blame them? I would kill to go to Munich on somebody else’s dime.

I think Chris Harrison fulfills some subconscious fantasy I never knew I had when he greets the men on the main Platz by saying, “Guten Morgen!” This is Desiree’s first time in Europe, more importantly, from Chrarrison we find out that there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one cage match where two men go in and only one comes out! Bring it!

The dudes go nuts in their plush suite. Obviously within seconds one of the meatheads has popped his meaty head out the window to shout “Hello, Munich!” Kasey laboriously recites some poorly worded German to camera.

CHRIS IS GETTING THE ONE-ON-ONE! YAY FOR YOU, CHRIS! Please write poems about it. “In Munich, we can fall in love with each other,” the card says auf Deutsch. Chris just keeps getting better and better, y’all. So cute I can’t handle it. So cute I can forgive him for describing his excitement as being “really jacked”.

Within the first minute of the date, it becomes abundantly clear that Chris speaks zero German, but neither does Des! So they will be acting like the cutest little fluffy bunnies all over Munich with a German phrase book to help.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is once again expressing his doubts about his feelings. He’s  tells us Desiree is a great girl, but at the end of the day, his feelings for her aren’t progressing like the rest of the guys’. So, in order to save her any emotional duress, Bryden tells James he’s going to go home. Bryden leaves right then and there to interrupt Desiree on her date with Chris to tell her he’s leaving.

He’s going to be interrupting quite the party though. Des and Chris are wandering about, taking pictures with street performers, eating sausage Lady and the Tramp style, trying on dirndls and lederhosen. They are goofballs, and I love it.

In the hotel suite, James has assembled all the remaining men in their MATCHING AMERICAN APPAREL HOODIES to break the news about Bryden leaving. I’m serious. They are all wearing the same American Apparel hoodie, just in different colors. I mean what a perfect time and place to evoke the Von Trapps. They are all stunned at the news. Zak’s crazy eyes grew three sizes that day.

Bryden is wandering the streets asking people if they’ve seen television cameras filming. It’s a pretty good strategy but hilarious in execution. He finally comes upon them in a courtyard where the happy couple is dancing to polka music. The cameras dramatically cut to a shot of Bryden’s face then slash cut to a gargoyle and I laugh and laugh and laugh. A gargoyle is appropriate imagery for breaking up with someone on TV for sure.

Further proving himself to be a really good guy, Bryden calls out to Chris first. He approaches and says, “I’m really sorry to do this to you… But can I just take her for a couple of minutes and bring her right back?” and because Chris is an equally good guy, he’s all “Yeah! Sure!”

To the cameras, Chris reveals that he’s a little confused and concerned about the whole ordeal. It’s ok, boo, things are gonna work out in your favor.

Bryden says to Desiree the same things he told us before, and you can see the sadness fill her eyes. Like Michael G. points out, it’s not like she didn’t know he was having doubts, so hopefully she’s prepared herself. But even preparing yourself mentally never quite gets your heart really prepared to be rejected. Least of all on a show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the rejecting. Des and Bryden leave each other without even a hug good-bye.

Chris is the absolute cutest man who has ever been on this show. I mean it. Cute-wise, there is none cuter than Chris. He wants nothing more than to reassure Desiree that he is there for her 100% and to make her feel better after essentially being dumped mid-date.

Oh wow they are in a dream-date locale. It’s the real Hofbräuhaus, and they have giant steins of beer and just a tree of soft pretzels sitting on their table. If anything can soothe a hurting heart, surely it is an adorable man and warm, salted breads.

After changing into formalwear, Desiree and Chris have dinner in an actual palace. Chris continues to be the cutest, “I don’t have to worry about the other guys in the house! I don’t have to worry about what time I have to go to bed! I don’t have to worry about brushing my teeth! I don’t have to worry about anything!” His childlike excitement about this whole thing is almost contagious, almost.

Chris wrote her a poem on the plane and brought it for her today. It’s called “Thoughts so True” and this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

While I stand there waiting, watching you

Your dress so perfect, you look so cute

You reach for red, a chance you’ll take

But choice is right and your mind is made

While I stand there waiting, my thoughts run free

Thoughts of past relationships, old to me

Girls I used to think were true

All out of mind as I think of you

The plan her’s now, not up to me

Feelings eternal if you choose me

And that absolutely exquisite piece of garbage makes Desiree cry. No one’s ever written a poem for me, crappy or otherwise, so I can’t say how I’d react. And Chris deserves to be mocked forever for that rhyming, sophomoric hilarity, but I still kind of love it. Chris! What are you DOING to me?!

Obviously he gets the date rose. Then there is ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT FROM A THIRD RATE MUSICIAN. This time they’ve flown Matt White to Germany. I enjoy his song, and the couple continues being fluffy lil’ bunnies dancing along to it.

Safe from the two-on-one and headed on the group date are Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew, and Mikey. Which means Michael and Ben are on the two-on-one.

“I need to now go and murder Ben,” is what Michael, A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, says re: his two-on-one date situation. He also makes a couple other lawyer analogies about convicting Ben of being an asshole, but I’m distracted by his poofy hair. They keep cutting to shots of him sans-hair product and it is nothing but pure puff that would make John Green a raging squid of jealousy.

“Will you climb the highest mountain for me?” inquires the date card. Trust, the Sound of Music references the producers are making are not lost on me. The dudes will be goofing around with Desiree at the peak of the highest mountain in Germany. If you thought Juan Pablo looked sexual in cowboy gear, he looks a bajillion times hotter in a snow parka with Ray Bans on. Good. Lord.

And then they try and have Juan Pablo talk about the yodeler and he can’t say yodeler and it’s so precious. Can I just have the Juan Pablo show please? All Juan Pablo, all the time.

Then they all go sledding in state of the art lil sleds. Drew, ever the voice of truth states ,“Des is a badass.” And she is. She’s having as much fun wiping out on her sled as she is sledding. Yeah, girl!

Zak makes the obligatory analogy of the date to the Bachelor process! Someone had to do it, might as well be Crazy Eyes.

They have a snowball fight with the guys being too aggressive with Des like boys on a playground. And to warm up, everybody heads into a snow-hotel. It’s like a hobbit house made of snow in the side of the mountain, and I want to go to there. It is awesome in a primordial, mythical way.

Desiree makes out with Brooks in a side room. Mikey really wants the date rose though. I don’t understand why Mikey is still there. He’s convinced he and Des have chemistry, but I’m not so sure. Compared to the other guys she’s having a “connection” with, I don’t get it with meat-head Mikey.

They build some mini-snowmen which Des eats right up. But cue the devious music, Zak W. comes creeping out with a glass of wine to spy. He then begins to yodel to interrupt their time. He is a complete loon.

YALL. Zak tells us that last time he was in Germany was ten years ago and he made a huge life decision. And now he’s here to make a decision about who he’s going to spend the rest of his life with (which is a bit of putting the cart before ten other horses). HE THEN TELLS DESIREE THAT HE INITIALLY WAS IN SCHOOL TO BECOME A PRIEST. A PRIEST. “WILL YOU ACCEPT THESE ABS” GUY WANTED TO BE A PRIEST. I cannot reconcile these images.

He realized in Germany that priesthood was not the path for him, and he’s hopeful that Germany will lead him to love forever with Desiree. Oof. This guy’s clock is just ticking. There is no way he’s got staying power here. I mean, have y’all seen Drew?

This group date is where the true feelings towards James start to come out. Drew feels that he’s just playing the game. Brooks thinks he acts like two different people. Juan Pablo gives him suspicious eyes whenever he talks. Time will reveal his true colors. But for now, Brooks gets the date rose for being a sweet, sweet clown. James is pissed about it.

The producers found a random street dog to shoot! Ben is preparing for his tension-filled two-on-one by remembering to be a “good Christian man” in response to anything Michael lobs his way.

Michael has convinced himself that Desiree has selected him specifically to expose Ben for the lying, cheat he really is. I don’t think that’s so much the case, Michael. I think the people who’ve watched you blatantly hate him for weeks selected you for this date.

Michael is seriously talking about how he feels that being a lawyer has prepared him for this moment. He uses words like “cross examining” and “impeaching”. Take it easy, Mike. Vicious dude bashing never won fair lady.

Desiree is perfectly aware of how awkward this date will be. She’s using the awkwardness as a litmus test to see who can handle the pressure better. They are in a beautiful lakeside town called Tegernsee. It’s picturesque. They share some coco from a thermos on a park bench (ROMANCE).

As most of you know, I’m doing all this nonsense in public because my internet is down, and I want you to know that I’m watching this date happen from between parted fingers. I look insane, but this date is that awful. Michael is on the war path from the start. And Ben is just boring. It’s not so much that I dislike him; it’s more that he is a NOTHING person. He’s got a son, and he’s from Texas. There is NOTHING more to Ben than the thick layer of slime covering these two facts.

To break the palpable tension, Desiree wants in on the fun she missed out on last season in Lake Louise. The three of them are going to do a Polar Bear Plunge. The dudes are not super jazzed about the prospect. Michael is wearing the belt from his blue fluffy robe as a headband to show he is “quirky” and “fun”.

BUT JK LOLZ THEY AREN’T DOING A PLUNGE! They are going in a “hot tug” which is a little dingy that’s rigged to be a mobile, boat-hot-tub. Kind of cool but the last thing in the world I want to do on a two-on-one is be trapped in a MOBILE HOT TUB BOAT ON A LAKE IN GERMANY.

It is as horrible as you’d imagine. They are involved in a mid-lake pissing contest talking to Des. Then Michael just straight up asks Ben what happened to the mother of his child. Ben is diplomatic I guess, but still slimy.

I will say though that Michael is just interrogating him and basically trolling Ben with statements about his parenting. Desiree is rightfully super duper uncomfortable.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE HOTEL SUITE – the boys are separated into two factions. On one side we have Chicago boys Mikey and James, on the other we have sweet boys Drew, Kasey, Brooks, and Chris (Zak and Juan Pablo are missing in action).

Drew and Kasey essentially hold court in one room of the suite to discuss the dirty, ulterior motives James has for being there, all of which they overheard while pretending to be asleep in a van. At the same time James and Mikey are gooning it up doing things like massaging each other’s faces. No really.

Drew alleges that James suggested they “bring girls out on his boat and have intimate settings out on the water” INTIMATE SETTINGS! Drew says “intimate settings” like the words were made of fire.

James also allegedly said, “I can introduce you to tall, good-looking women that have a lot of money.” And, “I already run Chicago, once everyone knows us we can run the town.” Um, pretty bold statement from an advertising exec when you consider the kind of shit that actually goes down in this city. The kind of people who run this town are NOT the kind of men who go on the Bachelorette. Please.

Drew and Kasey want to present Desiree with this info at the cocktail party tomorrow. They are the Good Guys Club. I’m sure Juan Pablo is on their side.

Back on the two-on-one, the group has dinner in a cozy cabin. Michael decides it’s time to fully interrogate Ben. He calls into question his fathering skills and his faith. Michael is so much on the offensive that it’s very uncomfortable for Des. You can see her try to keep things light, but Michael doesn’t let it go.

Ben gets so infuriated that he excuses himself from the table. He keeps bringing up how hard it is for him to be “a good Christian man”. Ugh shut up Ben.

Desiree scolds Michael for being so intense and persistent, and only then do we see it dawn on Michael that maybe he was a little too much. Des goes outside to check on sulky Benny boy. They are both being such idiots that at this point she doesn’t know if she’ll give out the rose at all. Yes! Please! Be rid of them both!

Once alone in a wine dungeon Michael calmly and sanely tells Desiree some of the more damning evidence against Ben. She also talked with Ben down there but he was boring and said the same stuff about being a dad.

The moment of truth arrives. Desiree picks up the rose and decides to give it to the man she could “see a potential future with” and that man is…MICHAEL! WOW. Wow. This might be one of the first times a Bachelor/ette gets rid of the one that everyone else hates. I’m so proud of her.

Showing himself to be exactly the kind of “good Christian man” he is on the inside Ben storms out saying things like “To hell with him for what he said to me,” and, “F*** this. That was a f***ing poor decision.” COOL, GUY. SO COOL. As soon as he gets in the limo he starts peacocking to try and prove that he isn’t hurt by this. He ends up just coming off as a psycho.

He says stuff like “Be careful who you pick as the next Bachelor. You guys really missed out on Single Dad from Texas….HI, HOLLYWOOD!” and finally, “How long do I have to wait before I can be seen in public with someone because I DON’T WANT TO WAIT HAAHAHAHAHAHA” Really. He leaves us with maniacal laughter.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony this week is taking place inside a stunningly beautiful palace. It’s insane. It looks like it’s the Beauty and the Beast castle. We are also getting a good fireside chat with the one and only Chrarrison!

Instead of getting to matters of the heart, we talk matters of the mouth. Chrarrison is asking her all about kissing the guys. She says, all very diplomatically, that she would like to kiss Brooks because their relationship is the most developed. Then says that on a purely phsycial level the Zak is a good kisser which GROSS. GROSS. Ugh. I mean I guess we all have preferences but ZAK IS SO GROSS.

As the guys arrive, Good Guys Club are nervous about breaking the news to Des about  James. But lo! Desiree tells Chris that her decision is already made, and that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Bum! BUM! BUUUUMMMMMM!

It looks like Drew is about to spontaneously combust after Des tells them the news, and James just blurts out, “you look beautiful.” Yeah. What the hell James? Not the time. But Drew, baby, it’ll be ok. Des’ heart will eventually lead her to the right place.

First name out is Zak, then Kasey, then Juan Pablo (THANK GOD), then Drew. So at this point all the Good Guys Club is saved, leaving only James and Mikey. And she calls out…James. Drew looks like he just pooped his pants.

Mikey is a sad goon. Mikey is not the guy for Des, but he’s pretty composed giving his final interview. He will treat some lady like an absolute queen and she will have a palace furnished by his plumbing contracting riches, but for now it’s the end of the road for him.

I cannot wait to watch next week’s episode when we travel to Spain! I will not lie and say I’m most excited that they are bringing JUAN PABLO TO A SPANSIH SPEAKING COUNTRY OLÉ! See you guys for the man-tears festival of pain and lies. Besos.

Until tomorrow, find me at @chasspod and recaps, from now on, go up every Wednesday.

Henley Monday - 

Coming at you hot and fresh at the 11th hour CT we've got your weekly dose of henley hunk. If it's possible for there to be a henley I didn't like, this one would be in contention: short sleeve - good, extra long placard - good, white - great, but the ribbing? BAD. Ribbing is very very bad and yet somehow I still love old Bumbleding Candlehat in it. Same goes for the goatee.

Here lies our empirical evidence that Benedict Cumberbatch can do no wrong.