Latest Posts by popculturepolarbear - Page 6

The Bachelorette - Recap Delay

Everyone, everyone relax. Stop, it's ok. Listen to Chris Evans. Let him calm your storm that I'm going to be a day late posting this week's Bachelorette Recap. A LOT happened this week on the show, and a lot happened in the world. Wendy Davis' amazing filibuster, the SCOTUS ruling taking down DOMA and Prop8, and to  top it all off, I'm in the process of moving. Everything in my life is in boxes, including my wireless router, so I'm currently typing to you from inside a Starbucks.  The internet is on the slow side for streaming Hulu, so sadly I'll have to put up the recap tomorrow rather than today.

Please accept this picture of Chris Evans in a henley and thick-framed glasses as penance for my sins.

Henley Monday - 

Hi folks! Here at Henley Monday I thought I'd start to throw some new players into the game in order to give you even greater perspective as to how universally attractive the henley is.

As such, here is Marat Safin, currently a Russian politician, but more appropriately a former pro-tennis player. Can you imagine a human person being more adorable and sexy at the same time than Marat is being here? His little sweater henley and his whole-face smile and what I imagine are his sinewy forearms.

Good stuff. Spasibo for this Marat, spasib bolshoe.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Do you guys think that when humans look back on our civilization hundreds of years from  now they'll find dozens of recaps about a show that purported be all about true love but was really about exploitation and the lengths people will go to for fame and ultimately feel really ashamed of our indulgence? No? Me either. SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BACHELORETTE!

The world traveling kicks off this week with everyone heading to Atlantic City. Let me tell you, their feigned excitement over visiting such an exotic locale is through the roof! They try really hard to make Atlantic City not look like the dated, bizarre hell-hole that it is, but a roller coaster on a rainy boardwalk can only entice one’s desire to travel to Atlantic City so much.

 “MAN THIS PLACE IS AWESOME. IT’S BASICALLY LIKE LAS VEGAS ON THE OCEAN,” Kasey yells.

The first one-on-one date is going to Brad, the one with the kid and an addict ex-wife. This will be interesting because we haven’t seen much of him other than when he told her that sordid bit of his past.

As James and Mikey voice over how they think Brad is a nice guy but maybe too quiet for Des, the couple have a blast going on all the rides on the boardwalk. Brad does seem a little quiet, but maybe that’s what Desiree needs. I don’t know; I’m not her.

She and Brad get to tour a candy factory without hairnets or any other sanitary gear. After visiting the taffy room, Des whispers that she smells chocolate. “Where’s the chocolate?” she urgently whispers again. Well, they find it! It’s like a sterile and un-beautiful Willy Wonka! They just dive right in and grab chocolate covered pretzels off the conveyor belt. I’m concerned about the health standards at this factory.

High from their glassed-in prison, Bryden and Zak W. (and Ben but I hate him) spy on what they think are Desiree and Brad on the boardwalk.

“This is a disaster,” Zak sighs, exasperated, “Especially on a carousel! Things always happen on a carousel.” Do they, Zak W.? What kinds of things always happen on carousels? On the Bachelorette Emily and Arie made out once, and one time there was a haunted carousel in the feature length made-for-tv “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” movie, but those are the only two things I can think of that have happened on carousels.

Regardless, Zak W. is upset and becoming a little obsessively psycho about Brad on this date.

Wow. Check out the sick ass sandcastle of love they get to lounge in. It’s pretty impressive and probably super cold. They have a pleasant but vague exchange.

God I feel like the dates this season have six bajillion parts. They have their dinner at yet another location, this time a lighthouse. Desiree is unsure if at this point Brad’s good qualities are translating into a connection. I’m unsure at this point if Brad likes girls.

Between many awkward pauses filled by drinking wine, the conversation is strained. It’s uncomfortable to watch them be so uncomfortable. Even after climbing to the top of an historic lighthouse that should be a romantic lookout point, the two have nothing to say to each other. Ok, Des, please, cut the cord.

She does. Des cuts the cord. AT THE TOP OF THE LIGHTHOUSE. They are trapped up there together. Brad is getting dumped in a room from which his only escape is a tiny, tiny door in the floor. Poor guy. He is a sweet accountant who will make another woman very happy.

Group date time, y’all! Brooks, Bryden, Zak K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Mikey, Ben, Michael, and Chris will be trying become Desiree’s “Mr. Right.” Brooks describes Des as a unicorn. Drew is still super duper cute.

Everyone gathers in the gymnasium of Boardwalk Hall to meet with Chrarrison and the current Miss America, who hails from New Jersey. Boardwalk Hall is where the first Miss America pageant took place 90 years ago, so for the date these boys will be competing in their very own all male revue in a Mr. America pageant! I love this. I love when they are forced into frivolity and peacocking.

Guys. Guys. Guess what Michael G. says. You’re never going to guess. It’s better than anything I could make up that he says in reaction to this date. He says, “As a young kid, I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America, and now I have the opportunity to make those dreams a reality. And that’s all you could ask for out of life.” WOW! HE DEFINITELY LIKES GIRLS NOT BOYS!

World famous pageant coach (I’m not sure those words can technically be used together truthfully) Christopher Dean sashays onto the scene to also help the guys prepare for the pageant. This show is such a gift to me and my life.

The first task to take care of is choosing a talent for everyone, AND JUAN PABLO GOES STRAIGHT FOR THE BATON AND STARTS TWIRLING AND TOSSING IT. LIKE, JP IS REALLY GOOD AT BATON TWIRLING. ¡DIOS MIO!

More and more antics ensue. Drew accurately describes the proceedings as a “hodge-podge of tomfoolery.” Bless, Drew. Bless. Additional blessings unto Drew for deciding that he will recite Romeo’s famous monologue from “Romeo and Juliet.”

As a final twist, Mr. Dean reveals that there will also be a swimsuit competition. The guys have preassigned swimsuits; some are trunks, some are speedos. When asked how Juan Pablo feels about his speedo he replies, “I FEEL GREAT!” I can’t handle my amor for this total goon.

The audience is assembled, the stage is set, Chrarrison is in his best hosting suit, and it’s time to get this dog and pony show on the road. Miss America Valerie Hagan, Mayor Lorenzo Langford, and Desiree shall be the judges presiding over this most presitigous affair.

Kasey is first up in the interview portion. His question is “In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker?” Boring! So is his response! Most of the questions are weird like “would you be water or fire?” or “what animal would you be and why?” These are the kinds of questions my friends and I ask each other on road trips, fun, but not the kind of thing I care to know about Zak W.

Chris is starting to shine very brightly here. He stumbles through his response but is charming and adorable the whole time. He also would not part with his strappy pink high heels earlier while practicing.

Um, Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter? So. Yeah. Way to be upfront with me about that JP. Like, I’m going to forgive you but I need you to not disclose such important details to me during a mock beauty pageant.

Mikey tries to say that women just see men as bodies and can’t see that they are real people. Yeah, Mikey, I’d say WOMEN are definitely the worst perpetrators of the objectification of the opposite gender. You MEN really have to struggle with being seen as a piece of meat.

TALENT SHOW TIIIIIIIIIIME! Kasey comes out in red pants to tell a terrible story and do some equally terrible tap dancing.

Mikey, who recently berated women for objectifying him, does a strip tease. He takes off his clothes for his talent. His abs are his talent. ABS AREN’T A TALENT, MIKEY.

Brooks hurts my ears with a made up song on a ukulele that he cannot play.

Ben ribbon dances without a shirt; Drew reads that monologue from a script and I silently deduct points for not memorizing; darling Chris does some hula hoop tricks in the aforementioned pink high heels; Bryden regales us with another strip tease.

And then, a funny thing happens. Zak W. sings pretty well and plays guitar to a nice, simple song he wrote. Is he Bob Dylan? No. Was it sweet? Yes. Does he still have crazy eyes? YES.

Then we watch a handful of the guys prance around in swimsuits. Mikey does that creepy peck flex thing that male strippers do. I do not get to see Juan Pablo in a speedo. I am greatly upset by this. But Drew is surprisingly cut.

After much (minimal) deliberation, the results are in! Brooks is our second-runner up, followed by Zak W. And the winner of the whole crown is…Kasey? I guess. Seems pretty arbitrary. He gets a giant dopey crown, flowers, and a sash.

After the pomp of the pageant, Desiree plans a pool party for her posse! So much chill fun. Chris snags her away first to show her his more serious, not high heel wearing side.

Oh my gosh. He writes poetry. Don’t make fun of him guys. He went through some tough times with baseball, so he goes to coffee shops to write poetry. If he wasn’t so cute I would murder him for this confession, but he is precious. Des is super into it too, for she does the same thing!

HE READS ONE. HE READS ONE ABOUT THE DATE ON TOP OF THE HOTEL. IT ALL RHYMES. OH. MY. GOD. HIS POEMS ALL RHYME!!!!

Back at the other pool, Bryden hates Ben a whole awful lot. His hatred is so fierce that it makes me like Bryden more. Ben decides to have his one-on-one time with Desiree right in front of all the guys which sends them up the walls.

Des is completely taken by him though. She totally digs the fact that he wears a necklace with his son’s thumbprint. I mean, look, wear a necklace with your son’s thumbprint but don’t try and play it like you “tried to show it to her during your talent” when your talent was RIBBON DANCING.

Zak W. uses his time to play the rest of his song based on his experience on the Bachelorette. I want to hate it, but it’s actually not terrible. He just really wants a rose. He gets the rose!

Chris is bummed that he didn’t get it, but he’ll be fine. He’s too cute to send home yet. Bryden didn’t get any one-on-one time with Des, which is weird for him and me. That’s unusual.

Has anyone heard more than two words from Zak K? Who is that guy? He’s a beefy book publisher. That’s all I got.

James is excited for his date. His bags are packed, but his hair is gelled in hopes that he’ll earn a rose. They are going on a helicopter ride, but this isn’t your typical Bachlorette helicopter ride. They are going to tour some of the devastation of Hurricane Sandy along the Jersey Shore. That should be a fun and sexy time for them, yes?

The destruction is intense. It’s real people’s lives that have been affected here, so I can’t make light of that.

What I can make light of is that as they’re touring Seaside Heights from the ground, they walk past the actual “Jersey Shore” house. I would know that shack of doom anywhere, and that is the real deal.

The Red Cross guide takes James and Des to meet a real couple in the process of rebuilding. They’re in their sixties and true New Jerseyians. The woman is so excited to meet Desiree from the tv! They are just lovely, and their story really affects Des and James.

We find out that Manny and Jan had to spend their wedding anniversary in a Red Cross shelter right after the worst of the storm. With that in mind, Des and James “decide” (are coerced by producers) to give their fancy date to this sweet couple so they can properly celebrate their marriage.

Instead of dinner in a gaudy Atlantic City ballroom, Des and James grab some food at a dive bar. That food is probably terrific, and I would prefer that as a date anyways.

James tells Desiree that he cheated on a girlfriend he dated for five years during his freshmen year of college. I appreciate that he’s being honest; I would want to know that. But at the same time, that was almost ten years ago for this guy, and what person didn’t make beyond stupid, awful, dumb-dumb decisions their freshmen year of college? I’m not forgiving what he did, but I’m saying it probably doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad person now. Turns out Desiree agrees with me.

Back in Atlantic City, Manny and Jan are presented with their wedding photo album that was ruined in the flooding. They have a letter from a volunteer saying they helped to restore the photos in that album. They’re crying looking at it. I’m crying looking at them. It’s a very nice gesture! True love is real!

Here’s a link to the American Red Cross website. I give $20 a month, and I really don’t make much. But every time something like Hurricane Sandy, the Boston Marathon bombings, and any other disaster happens, I’m glad to know I can help people like Manny and Jan. Also it’s tax deductible if that’s a thing that means something to you.

And then there’s a private concert for James, Des, Manny, and Jan from Darius Rucker. If it was Hootie and the Blowfish I might get excited but it’s not so I’m not.  Oh yeah and James gets the rose.

Going into the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Bryden is feeling uncertain. He’s not sure his feelings for Desiree are where they should be, nor hers for him. He even tells the guys he’s not sure if he would accept a rose if he was offered one.

In order to stake his claim for a rose, Michael has designed a grand gesture. He writes out D-E-S-I-R-E-E and with each letter tells her a reason why he likes her. It’s an acrostic poem of love. Kill me. They share a lukewarm kiss.

Bryden has his talk with Desiree. She tries to reassure him and give him the confidence that she does want him there. Bryden is still doubtful and hasn’t made a decision. I respect him for being honest, though, that he isn’t necessarily head over heels for a girl he’s been on one real date with.

Tonight, there is only one guy who won’t be receiving a rose. But who knows what Bryden will do. What’s to become of this?! Here goes nothing. She calls out Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablito, Drew, Michael, Ben, Kasey, and then she calls out Bryden and he accepts. And the final rose goes to Mikey. Zak K. our stoic but beefy book publisher is going home.

He’s actually really eloquent and seems perfectly nice. What the hell, producers? Why didn’t you even show him more? Whatever, she’s got enough guys to deal with as they travel onward to Munich. It looks like some of the building tension will boil over in Deutschland, and I cannot wait. Auf wiedersehen, my friends!

Henley Monday -

I'm not wasting any of your time with funny business today. I'm jumping right in because the man of the hour, the Man of Steel himself Henry Cavill, deserves it.

I spent some time looking for a picture of him in a henley and could barely look at certain pictures of him for too long because it made me uncomfortable, such is the level of his attractiveness. He is a perfect human specimen.

How is it possible for him to be a real person who has perfect eyes, jaw, mouth, teeth, body, hair EVERYTHING. HE IS LIKE A COMPUTER GENERATED PERFECT MAN. BUT HE'S ORGANIC. I CAN'T. I CANNOT WRAP MY MIND AROUND IT.

GOD HE'S SO HOT. LOOK AT THE FURROWED BROW. AA;LWEJROA!!!

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap

When we last left our heroine, she was deep in the throes of love with over a dozen men. Well, let's be honest, Desiree's in the throes of love with just a few men and then vaguely aware of the presence of the rest. So let’s see where this week’s journey takes us.

The first of two group dates of the episode kicks right off with Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zak K., and Ben. “Love is a battlefield” is the ominous date card message. Their hackles are all riled up because Ben the Butthead will be on the date with them.

Brandon arrives wearing an orange sweatband around his head like a total goober. He’s gonna need it though because the group date is competitive dodgeball. Michael is very, very intimidated by the big burly men holding balls that they will lob at him with their bulging biceps. As if prescient, he says, “It’s only a matter of time until an ambulance shows up.”

Then Chrarrison arrives with the age old Bachelorette trick of separating the men into two teams. The team who wins the dodgeball match in the park will continue onto the second part of the date, and the others will go home. You're familiar.

Would it kill them to at least pick different team colors than red and blue for once in this show’s life? Please? How about magenta and turquoise? I could watch the magenta team pummel the turquoise team.

Ah, well, they get suited up in embarrassing short-shorts, tank tops, tube socks, and sweatbands to battle it out. They all desperately try to make sense of why this date is important to Des.

In a best of three tournament, the blue team wins first round. Red team wins the second round. But just as the whistle blows to start round three, Brooks goes down and stays down. Brooks’ finger is bleeding it’s so messed up, and the medic says, “Yeah…he’s gonna have to get that reset.”

But the game must go on! After a heated man-on-man finish, the Blue Team wins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The red team is beating themselves up for not taking it home for Brooks. But Desiree plays her cards right and decides to take everyone along to the after party.

At the cocktail party, they toast to Brooks the fallen hero who is seriously messed up in the ER. Desiree pulls Brad aside to talk and he opens up that he has a three-year-old son named Maddox. Now THAT is how you play your child card, BEN. You don’t WHORE HIM OUT FOR CUTENESS VALUE. Brad is very sweet and very vulnerable telling Desiree about a lot of sordid details in his past. Points for Brad. He’s also easy on the eyes, eh?

“I will always be honest with you,” we overhear Michael saying, “I am honest to a fault.” Except maybe with one very important detail about myself that could dramatically alter the trajectory of our relationship, but I’m gonna keep that shit bottled up.

Chris is a timid mortage broker trying to make his move. He pulls her up to the roof to sit alone and see the skyline. He’s adorable and seems like a caring, sincere guy.

Brooks has been released from the hospital looking like a drunken idiot. He’s obviously on pain meds and missed the chance to shower and change. He’s holding his broken finger hand up as he boldly traipses through the lobbey of a very nice hotel, intent on his mission for love.

They get some alone time and make out. He is gross and sweaty and hilariously frank due to the drugs, but she liked it, so whatever. 

Timid Chris gets the date rose though! Way to go, Chris you cutie.This means he gets a private concert from Kate Earle. Brandon continues acting like a true psycho and hunts them down to spy on Desiree and Chris dancing. When they kiss, you can almost see the fires of jealousy ignite from his body.

So we're watching Des write in a journal at home when a really weird thing happens. Chris Harrison and Desiree share a scripted phone call. Some guy has done something awful and horrible. Desiree takes off in her Bentley straight away to take care of the situation once and for all.

The perpetrator is Brian with the wonky eye. What he has perpetrated is yet to be seen, but I’m guessing it has to do with that woman we’ve seen in the previews.

She tries to gently ask him to come clean and be honest. Desiree very kindly gives him outs, and then he traps himself and digs a little hole talking about his “past” relationship. Brian says “past relationship” several times.

So Des replies, “Well are you sure that’s how she feels about it? Because she’s actually here.”

“Hi, I’m Stephanie. Brian’s girlfriend,” this new woman tries to handshake but Des is all SOLIDARITY, SIS and hugs it out.

“Aw, jeez,” is all Ryan can mutter.

The boys are going insane about all this drama. They are peering through every window like nosy sorority girls. “He’s in a lot of trouble,” is how Drew fills us in.

Stephanie is really awesome. I’m serious. I know there are rumors going around about her profession, but that doesn’t matter. She sticks up for herself and for Des and shames this absolute piece of garbage. She has a three-year-old son that Brian was a role model to and she only gets really emotional when she brings him up. Des literally has her back.

Chris is trying to regain control of the situation, but this train is off the rails. Brian continues to lie and lie and lie. The intervention music kicks in as Stephanie rails on and on about him. 

“I did throw rocks at you because you’re a jerk,” is a thing Stephanie says at one point. That’s the level of crazy we’re dealing with here. 

Finally he gets the boot. A giant man in a newsboy cap named Ollie escorts him to pack his things and leave the house. Desiree and Stephanie hug it out. And that’s that. Oh, except Brandon manages to cry about his daddy issues on camera pretty intensely. I’m uncomfortable. And worried about his (lack of) emotional stability.

Immediately following THAT escapade is Kasey’s one-on-one date! What a fun time that should be. They’re going dancing on the side of a building. They look like they have a fun time as they get a lesson, but quickly get tired out. Desiree is not feeling up to the date fun face after the morning she’s had. 

She’s looking forward to a relaxing evening on the roof of the same building they danced on. Out of nowhere, the Santa Ana’s come blowing through and wrecking the set. To lighten the mood they jump in the pool. Then the pool is cold. Then Kasey kisses her poorly with towels on their heads. It’s bad. It's one of the least coordinated Bachelorette dates I’ve ever seen.

So because she feels Kasey has been “such a great sport” through all the chaos, he gets the rose.

Group date number two will be Dan, James, Juan Pablo (MI HOMBRE JP), Bryden, and Zak W. They’re going into cowboy training! In fact, they'll be riding in a full stage coach to their bootcamp. That does not seem reasonable in Los Angeles.

Des is wearing a "beautiful gown from like the 1900s", per James, and then she does some stunt work throwing a villainous outlaw off the roof. Juan Pablo was very concerned.

Oh, cool, it's a plug for the "The Lone Ranger."  The stunt team from the movie will be teaching the guys some basic movie combat and gun work to compete for Des's heart.

Full disclosure, I think they all look super hot in their cowboy garb. It's a lot of henleys and suspenders and pants that are tight in the butt. They are having an absolute hoot! They get a little surprise when the cavalry rolls in. Juan Pablo is so excited at the sight of horses, he literally says, "Ay! ay! ay!". I love him.

James is first up to act out his little action sequence. He is obviously taking it extremely seriously. TOO BAD HIS CHARACTER'S NAME IS "HUSTLE PETE". HUSTLE PETE!

"I love being rescued," Des voice overs. I could spend several thousand words talking about that phrase and this whole date and how back-ass-wards it is, but let's just continue on and pretend she didn't even say that (I don't know if I ever truly can).

Bryden's butt looks good. His hair is typically terrible. Zak is a clown who shoots from his hips. Dan Oatmeal's pants split while mounting his horse. JP speaks Spanish and is really pretty good at the action and is so hot and muy spicy.

JUAN PABLO WINS! He calls his little chatchky badge beautiful. I love him very much. They get to watch a special screening of "The Lone Ranger" with "popcorns and stuff". He seems to have a boyish playfulness, and clearly I'm biased, but I think he's a great guy. He kisses with too much tongue, though, like our old friend Sean.

Later, the guys reconvene for the rest of the group date around a fire and a nice vegetable platter.

Oh my god! One of the guys or some sweet crew member convinced Bryden to side sweep his hair! He looks one BAJILLION times better! Someone here on tumblr accurately pointed out that his front bangs are reminiscent of Lloyd Christmas from "Dumb and Dumber".

Zak is so strange to me. I can't get a real read on him. He seems nice. He makes Desiree laugh. But he's orange and has crazy eyes. I'm skeptical.

I feel the same way about James: unsure. He just seems so slick and polished that I can't get a solid read on him. His dad is very sick at home, but James seems to be gung-ho about being there. Desiree reassures his presence by giving him the rose. They kiss.

The show this season has a problem turning the mic-packs off when Desiree is kissing someone. There is no noise more repulsive to human ears than other people sloppily kissing. This feels like a personal assault on my eardrums.

Wow, guys. Like, Des is so chill and off-the-cuff. She has decided to forgo the cocktail party and have a super fun pool party. They're just gonna kick back in swimsuits and see where the day takes them.

Ben immediately concocts an evil genius plan. He creepily stares out the front door, waiting for her arrival. As soon as her blue Bentley pulls up, he runs out IN RYAN'S TANK TOP OF DOOM PART 2: THE TANK TOP'S BLACK REVENGE. IF I DIDN'T HATE HIM BEFORE, MY JURY IS OFFICIALLY IN. VERDICT REACHED: PIECE OF DIRT.

Anyways, he takes her out for a spin in her car to create a "mini one-on-one" which is smart, but smarmy. He talks about being a father again. Desiree calls him humble. I'm really questioning her judge of character. The guys see her and Ben pull up and are pissed off.

As soon as she arrives, the party really gets kicked off with all the pool antics you can imagine would happen. So many antics! Dan brings her one of the pizza boxes from craft services and writes, "Will you be my girlfriend, or is this too cheesy?" on the box. The answer, Oatmeal, is yes. It is.

Mikey is really bent out of shape about Ben lying to all the guys about having alone time with Desiree. He is juiced up and pissed off. Ben defends himself by saying "my dating life is private" on a nationally televised show. So, he's cool. "It's called the Bachelorette for a reason. It's not called Let's Make Friends."

Brandon takes his time alone with Desiree to be very aggressive and tell her that he will never hurt and that he is FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. THEN THEY HAVE THEIR FIRST KISS. SO. THAT'S REAL. Oh, he is not stable. "She just consumes my mind. There's nothing else to think about except how perfect and meant to be we really are," which are words a sane and stable person would declare about a girl he met two weeks ago??????????

Now that everyone has changed out of cool, chill-vibe pool gear, the rose ceremony begins. Desiree calls Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Brooks, Drew, Zack K., Brad, Michael G, Mikey, and last is Ben.

Brandon is shell shocked. Dan is sad but like, he'll be fine. He handles the rejection with grace. But Brandon can't believe what's happened. He is not taking this well. After they say a short good-bye, Desiree pulls him aside to give him a well and proper explanation. Brandon repeats that he's in love with her, so he's going to regret that and also never be able to get over it.

"Once again, someone left me," he mutters, "Yeah way to go Brandon." I feel so bad for him. I know he's easy to make fun of, but he has some serious emotional issues that he should work through with a trained psychiatrist so he can lead a healthy, stable life without abandonment issues. "I can't even cry. There are no tears left"

Oh boy, I wish him well. But I'm excited for next week as the traveling begins in exotic Atlantic City! See you there, y'all.

Henley Monday - 

Welcome to the best part of the worst day of the week. I have to take a moment and come clean with all of you that I have Monday's off from work, so for me, this day is usually pretty stellar. What you all have as Lazy Sunday, I have as Lazy Monday. It works out nicely.

So today I was feeling lazy and googled 'actor henley' and up popped this little pic of Matt Lanter. He is an actor. The good people of IMDb tell me that he is best known for his turn as Liam Court on the CW's "90210". I really wouldn't know. What I do know is that he looks really good here. This henley has a nice marled texture to it, it looks heavier than an undergarment but still casual and rugged. I also know that his skin is in good hands if Kiehl's has anything to say about it.

Enjoy looking at him. I know I am.

The Bachelorette - Episode 2 Recap

Who's ready to get started with the first official group and one-on-one dates of the Season? The first of the episodes where men shall prove themselves as noble and true or vile and there for the wrong reasons.

We kick right off with the first of the one-on-one dates going to Brooks, who I must again insist reminds me SO much of this actor.

The boys hoot and holler at her turquoise Bentley as their jealousy is thoroughly piqued.

“It is crazy to think that this could be my first date with my future wife,” Brooks beams to camera. And I feel like that’s what any first date has the potential to be, so it’s not that crazy, Brooks.

But I guess it’s a good thing he has marriage on the brain because she takes him to a bridal boutique to go wedding dress shopping because that is a very normal and not at all terrifying horror first date for any guy.

He tries on a montage of ugly tuxes before they both land on a tux and dress combo that is very fetching. They look pretty cute together despite how deranged this whole set up is. Brooks has zero clue as to how to tie a bowtie, however.

“I really felt like we were newlyweds!” she tells us, “It’s not supposed to be serious; it’s supposed to be fun.” Yeah, ok.

The main portion of the date takes place on the Hollywood sign for its 90th anniversary. Brooks is pumped up about it. He feels like they are floating on clouds. And I have to admit, a picnic on the “L” of the Hollywood sign is an actually cool date and not just a tacky Bachelorette cool date. They make-out as the sun sets. On the second “L” of the Hollywood sign.

After they turn in their rental clothes, the two lovers get lost in a cutty part of Los Angeles in a Bentley convertible. Brooks is properly “sh*tting” himself. Methinks a plot is afoot!

UM. And then they stop on a bridge where a romantic table for two is set under some chandeliers, but it’s a SHAM. I feel CHEATED. And here’s why: this exact same date setup was used on the ill-fated Bachelor Pad. You can’t just reuse dates, Bachelor! Don’t think we don’t know!

Brooks and Des seem to really like each other. He’s growing on me. They talk about family and love and the divorce of Brooks’ parents. It’s very much a “Cats and the Cradle” story. He cries about his relationship with his father, and now I fully think he’s a great guy. And cute. And looks just like this actor Steve Howey.

What! There’s ANOTHER part to this date? It one Bachelorette cliché after another! It’s a private concert from Andy Grammer! So they do the obligatory awkward dancing to “Keep Your Head Up”. Desiree’s so effortlessly cute though, that she pulls it off. And then they have a very romantic slow dance to “I Choose You”. Des feels like the date was just as wonderful as Brooks does.

The men going on the group date are Dan, Juan Pablo, Zak K, Kasey, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, and Ben. “Who’s here for the right reasons?” reads the date card in a rare self-aware moment for the show.

They all put on their best formal tees in either black or bold jewel-tones to meet Des at the Malibu Rocks Winery. And I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I can’t believe this is real. They are going to be starring in their very own rap video. The men are so jazzed about it. They are just as jazzed that Soulja Boy is the rapper du jour.

Soulja Boy. I’ll let that sink in for a second.

Here are the pearls of wisdom Soulja-Boy imparts to the gentlemen, “You know, I always thought that love was a little bit like hip-hop. You know, you gotta go with the flow.” So, feel free to take that to the bank.

The song is called “For the Right Reasons” which is hilarious. The producer who thought that up deserves a Peabody.

Brandon completely misses the message and says, “You know, she’s not messing around. This isn’t a joke to her, and I’m going to pass whatever test she has.” Chill out, Brandon.

After a free-style rap-off, Soulja Boy selects a few standouts and resigns the rest of the guys to backup dancers.

I hate that they have to take it seriously because this is completely a joke that the producers made for themselves. And they deserve a little comedic relief after watching this bananas show happen to them for years.

The men quickly realize that the song takes turns lightly roasting (toasting?) a few infamous former contestants from the show like Kasey Kahl, Jason Mesnick, that wrestler with anger management issues, etc.

They all go through their respective scenes awkwardly and uncomfortably. I’m embarrassed for them. It is all very hard to watch. Brandon doesn’t even have the luxury of wearing pants.

After an excruciating day of shooting, they wrap and continue onto the cocktail portion of the date.

Zak W. is the first guy to snag Desiree for the coveted alone time. To prove himself a worthwhile guy with more than just acceptable abs, he presents her with an antique journal that’s never been written in. It’s lovely and kind of thoughtful. Huh. He’s turning me around on him. But he still has crazy eyes.

Shockingly, Ben the guy who brought his four-year-old son to meet Des on the first night is kind of a tool. He’s very aggressive and annoying and tucks his sweater into his jeans. He keeps bringing his son back up too. This is unacceptable. Ben asks permission to kiss her. Then he does. I boo. Brandon almost cries.

If we did a drinking game with just the phrase “here for the right reasons” we would all be blackout drunk right now.

Mikey decides to “clear the air” between him and Ben after he swooped in on his alone time with Des. I respect Mikey for being diplomatic about this, but I honestly feel like we’re seeing the beginnings of Tierra 2.0. They do clear the air though and compliment each other’s shoes!

Brandon is still taking everything way too seriously. He has already called Desiree an angel. So he takes his time to tell her all about his tragic life story. He already promises to take care of Des and be a great dad. He has already “fallen in like” with her.

Much to everyone’s chagrin, Ben receives the date rose.

Going on the second one-on-one of the week is Bryden our faithful canine! He is joining Des on a romantic road trip up the California coast.

He is 80% more attractive when the wind whips his stupid front combed hair to the side. They get snacks and play on a beach and laugh and drive and play in an orange grove. In the orange grove, they have a picnic where Bryden doesn’t know what brie is. He is a simple man.

They end up in Ojai for dinner. The dramatic music plays as they pull up to…a hotel resort. A beautiful resort to be sure, but not, like, the splendor of nature dramatic music worthy.

Bryden makes Desiree laugh a lot, and you can tell they are clicking well. He thought ahead enough to bring pictures of the wreck and subsequent injuries from a terrible car crash he survived.

He gets the date rose easily. To celebrate, the two get in a candlelit hot tub! He wants to kiss her real bad and talks awkwardly to fill the silence before doing it. She finally says, “Just kiss me already!” Which is pretty cute and rom-commy of her. I’m not sold on this guy though. He is so simple I wonder if they could really sustain a lifetime of conversations.

All the men at the cocktail party are feeling tense and anxious to get a rose and continue on. Michael G. is nervous to tell her a secret about himself. It’s that he’s diabetic (AND ALSO PROBABLY HE LIKES GUYS). He’s telling her what he feels is a deep, dark secret when BEN walks in.

He steals her away, and everyone’s pissed that he already has a rose and is taking so much time from Des. He is a smooth-talking son of a gun, and I do not trust Ben as far as I could throw him. He’s also maybe one of the least attractive guys there, quickly becoming another average looking guy named Ben that I don’t much care for.

The other guys hate him too. Michael G. confronted him for being a jerk, backed up by his fellow Jets. The rest of the guys continue to gossip about how much he stinks and what a butthead that guy Ben sure is.

Rose Ceremony Time! Everyone without a rose is peeing their little pants!

Here’s the order in which Des calls the men:

James the Guido from Chicago

Kasey Hash Tag

Dan Oatmeal Man

JUAN PABLO MI AMOR (man does she butcher the Spanish she speaks to him)

Brad Who is a Guy

Chris Also a Guy (who are these men?)

Brian the Financial Advisor with a Wonky Eye

Zak W. Crazy Eyed Nudist

Drew Cheekbones Cutie Pie

Mikey The Grown-up Named Mikey

Zak K. the Publisher

Michael G. Trapped in the Closet

And the final rose goes to Brandon. He’s relieved but I am upset! She’s letting go of Will (surprised?) and Nick (who cares?) BUT SHE’S LETTING ROBERT GO! HE’S SO HOT AND CUTE AT THE SAME TIME! HE LOOKS LIKE ERIC VON DETTEN! HE INVENTED THAT SIGN SPINNIGN THING! HE HAS A ONE-EYED DOG! A ONE-EYED DOG, PEOPLE! YOU HOLD ONTO THAT AND YOU DON’T LET THAT GO!

I will officially hold all future decisions she makes to an even higher level of scrutiny than usual. It looks like that’s going to be necessary considering how much she seems to like Ben.

Well that’s that. No more beautiful and cute Robert to look forward to. I guess we’ll just have to rely on each other to get through this one, eh? Hang out with me the rest of the week on twitter @Chasspod, and check in next Wednesday for the requisite dose of dates and drama.

Oh, and in case you hate yourself and want to behold this tragedy that befell music, here is the complete and final video cut for “All the Right Reasons”.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone! I hope you're pulling through as best you can today. I'll keep it short and get straight to the henley point: How adorable is Martin Freeman here? Can you even handle it? I barely can.

He is every bit a classic, charming off-beat and insanely talented Brit who brings great joy to me in all his roles. He brings great joy to me here as well in such soothing blue tones with a cheeky little grin. Thanks for the pick-me-up Martin!

The Bachelorette - Episode 1 Recap

Oh hello there! Welcome! Welcome back to the beautiful event in time and space that is The Bachelorette. I'm very happy to be here, and what's more, I'm happy to be back in your head commenting every move our Lady Desiree and her male suitors make.

Let's jump right in - very edgy starting in with a montage of the season to come and not Chris Harrison saying "Tonight! On the Bachelorette." There are sweeping landscapes and smiles and tears and mystery women and heated meat heads throwing down with their words and fists.

Back in real time, Des pulls up to a brand new Bachelorette pad in a modest Honda Civic. She and Chrarisson tour the new digs (complete with drafting table and bolts of fabric for our little designer!) as Desiree recaps her ill-fated journey to love with Sean Lowe on last season of the Bachelor.

She has already cried twice in this episode. Once when reminding us that she grew up in poverty but her parents love each other a whole lot. And again when remembering being dumped by Sean. She is going to be crying a lot this season methinks.

Then Chris hands her the key to her brand new turquoise Bentley convertible. She goes for a little joy ride to a stupid song that includes the line “I think I love her more than I can understand”. She ends the voice over saying, “I’m ready to put a ring on it.” So there’s that.

Now for a little poolside chat with Chrarrison. She says, again, that she wants real love and compares herself to Cinderella looking for her Prince Charming. And, look, I really liked Desiree last season and am excited about her turn, but I really hate when women constantly align themselves with Princesses from Fairy Tales because a) fantasy world b) helpless maidens aren’t cool they’re helpless c) you shouldn’t want and expect a perfect prince you should want and expect a great MAN.

That being said the dress she is wearing to meet the guys is amazing. It looks like warrior alien armor which is my favorite kind of formalwear aesthetic. And I am just as nervous and excited as she is to watch these men embarrass themselves!

Before the first impressions, we have a few lil video packages about some standout guys. The first guy Bryden is sort of fine and describes his best characteristics as “loyal, kind, sensitive”, so he’s basically just a Labrador.

Next up is William who is one of my Chicago homeboys, and BOY does he embarrass me! He is a banker with an almost empty bookshelf and does bikram yoga by himself. He also walks the streets of Chicago demanding high-fives from unwilling strangers. Oh and he’s also black and points this out about himself so don’t expect to see William for very long.

We pull out a big card next I think in Drew, a dude who “loves his life.” He has a story about the divorce his mom from his alcoholic dad and having to take care of his mentally handicapped sister. He is very good-looking.

Oh hey we’re back in Chicago! I can tell because they use the same stock footage from before. Nick R. is 26 and is a “clothier” which is SO DOUCHEY OH MY GOSH HAHAHAHA. But on a serious note, he is doing important work. Men, go see a tailor. It’s necessary.

WOW BIG TWIST! NICK R. IS ALSO A MAGICIAN! HE DOES SOME MAGIC FOR A VERY LIMITED CROWD AT COMEDY SPORTZ (A GREAT THEATER YOU SHOULD PATRONIZE). HE IS AWFUL, AND I LOVE HIM.

Down in the “hill country” of Texas we meet Zak W. a 31 year-old drilling fluid engineer (wtf?) with crazy eyes who doesn’t like wearing clothes very much.

Robert is 30 going on 21 and is the man who brought people spinning signs into your world. Apparently that’s a thing that was invented and coined and Robert is the guy who did that. He has a baby face but looks great wearing a wetsuit half-way down and HAS A DOG WITH ONE EYE. I see what you’re doing there with that one-eyed dog, and let me tell you Robert, it is working.

Mike R. has a British family and is a dental student. He is oatmeal of a man.

Brandon is an adrenaline junkie, yeah! He wakeboards! Speaking of wakeboarding his father left his mother in quite a wake when he left Brandon and his brother at age 5. His mother struggled with addiction, but don’t worry guys! His grandparents showed him an example of a loving relationship. Thank God otherwise he would never be fit to be someone’s life partner.

Ok everybody, strap in. The moment is here. We’re about watch 25 men be really awkward meeting a pretty girl for the first time.

First out of the gate is Drew, our good-looking front runner of the men from those intro packages. They have a cute little moment, and I think our girl is feeling him.

Brooks has long hair and reminds me of this actor. Brad is a boring accountant who brought a wishbone as homage to when Desiree brought wishing pennies for the fountain. Shut up, Brad.

Bryden comes out next and his occupation is listed as “Iraq War Veteran” which isn’t an occupation. Michael G. is a federal prosecutor and strikes me a little bit as the type of guy who might be more excited about spending time with the guys in the mansion than Lady Des.

We are living in a world, folks, where a guy named Kasey can introduce himself by saying, “I’m in social media, and I looked you up and saw all these great hash tags about you. So I’ve got some hash tags of my own.” He giggles his way through some truly stupid hash tags, and I almost end it all right here. Hash tag – Stop it, Kasey.

Will from Chicago demands a high-five from Desiree. And then…And then he says this, “So, because you have the presence of a goddess, I decided to give you the nickname of Athena. Because she’s the goddess of wisdom. And she has outside beauty. And you have that outside beauty.” AND WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON?! That makes no sense and is just WEIRD. He leaves her with the charge of coming up with a nickname for him too because forced nicknames are the best kind of nickname.

We meet a grown man named Mikey and Jonathan a soft-spoken yet sexually aggressive lawyer. Then our good friend Zak W. with the dubious job description and crazy eyes emerges shirtless and spray tanned like a pageant toddler. He spreads his arms and says, “Will you accept these abs?” Des, who has been the picture of grace thus far, just giggles in response.

James is a hair-slicked guido (also repping Chicago) who I actually kind of like on first impression. Larry is a bespectacled ER doctor who very awkwardly forces her to dance and then when he tries to dip her, her heel catches on her train. It’s very uncomfortable to watch.

Nick R. the tailor/magician does a trick to make a rose appear, Zak K. is a burly book publisher in a wee bowtie, and then some real magic happens. A guy clumsily clamors out of the limo and towards Desiree in a full suit of shining armor. His name is Diogo and he is every bit as awkward as you’d hope he would be. Even the guy refusing to wear a shirt thinks the suit of armor is a bit much.

Chris fake proposes but ends up tying his shoe. Mike R. shows up in his dentist coat, but I would like to remind you all that he is but a dental student and should not openly practice dentistry. Robert the sign spinning guy is totally nondescript in his intro but he’s growing on me. Oh, hola Juan Pablo former pro soccer player, cómo estás? He brought her a candy from Venezuela and Desiree cannot handle saying Juan Pablo. I don’t know how to make that easier for her.

Awwww, yeah! Brandon the Adrenaline Junkie/Painting Contractor comes slowly rolling in on a sweet hog! That motorcycle is the only memorable thing about his entrance. Brian is a douche in a (gorgeous) blue velvet sport coat. Micah is a moronic law student who comes out in a gimmicky ugly suit of his. Nick M. wrote a horrible poem and forgot to get his pants hemmed! See Nick R. about those pants! Dan is…a guy? I don’t know; he’s totally blah.

Oh and last but certainly not least is Ben an “entrepreneur” who decided that the best thing for him to do as a FATHER would be to prostitute his young son on national television to sway Desiree with his undeniable cuteness! REAL COOL MOVE, DAD. That trick may have worked on Desiree, but it’s not working so easy on me, guy!

Before the party gets started Chrarrison informs Des that she has the same opportunity that Sean had last go around as far as roses go. So all the roses available are out on the table, and she can give them whenever she wants.

Hash tag Kasey really feels how stiff the competition is. I have to agree. There are some champions among some true horrible goons. Des gives a toast and some advice to “just be yourself” which is the best advice we can ever get, really.

And before anything gets started, Nick R. pops up to get the attention of the crowd for some magic. Kill me now. Oh but wait it’s a hacky hoax to make Des disappear for a few seconds so he can talk to her first.

“Are you a magician full-time?” is the first thing she has to ask him because it’s important to know if you’re dating a MAGICIAN. My respect for him grows though when Brandon interrupts him and he insults him by calling him “pinstripes”. Haha, I know, right, Nick R.? What is this? 2002?!

Dude with the kid actually has a lot in common with Desiree, and they’re hitting it off. They talk about his kid and how they like camping and the outdoors. It seems natural. She gives him the first rose of the night.

Shirtless Zak W. with the crazy eyes is taking this as a serious reality check that maybe he needs to show Des that he’s serious about being there. The rest of the guys also collectively lose their *ish in jealousy and immediately step up the crazy.

Shirtless crazy eyes then does something I think we all predicted in the first five seconds of meeting him. He removes his pants and does a running jump into the pool. That’ll get her…? But it does, you guys, it does get her. She gives Zak W. a rose for jumping in the pool.

Bryden the Iraq War Vet who described himself with the qualities of a dog, talks about how he and his dog are best friends. He gets a rose.

Desiree and I are on the same page that Juan Pablo is one sexy Venezolano. He does tricks with a soccer ball like a trained seal. He’s so hot I really hope she keeps him just to see his face.

Drew is adorably nervous and gets a rose for all the things they have in common. The ER doctor who dipped her is freaking out and it’s still very uncomfortable because he apologizes to her. He’s less attractive than I thought and a little creepy with his intensity.

Jonathan the aggressive lawyer has once again made a “bold move” by getting really drunk and trying to set up a fantasy suite where he is “going to try to kiss Desiree on the mouth.” And I hate this guy. I knew this guy in college. This guy is a handsome dirtbag and all around garbage person.

“She didn’t want to go to the fantasy suite. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her,” he slurs. AND THEREIN LIES ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MESSED UP MISOGYNY THAT A PRETTY WOMAN IS OBLIGATED TO DO STUFF WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU DEEM HER WORTHY OF YOU.

He tries to take her into his weird makeshift fantasy suite one more time, and she puts her foot down. She sends him right home to the literal applause of the other men.

And now for the rose ceremony! Everyone is nervous because they all feel like they deserve to be there most. But let’s see who Des deems worthy of her heart and helicopter rides.

Those leaving us tonight include: Mike R. the pseudo-British dental student; Diogo the knight in shining armor; Larry the dipping doctor; Micah in the gimmicky suit; Nick R. the tailor/magician; and of course Jonathan the supreme a-hole.

Well there you have it. This journey to love is officially kicked off, and I am as excited as I always am for world travels and drama and hunky men acting like idiots. It looks spectacular and like there will be tears every week from not only Desiree but the guys too.

To those of you returning, you know where to find me. To those just joining the party, recaps go up every Wednesday and you can follow me on Twitter @Chasspod during the rest of the week. See you next week, journeyers!

Henley Monday on Tuesday - 

Oh, it's that thing where...when it's a holiday on Monday...and so no one's at work and they don't need a hottie in a henley to pull them through the drudgery of their workday...so we post on Tuesday.

Hi guys. I saw Star Trek Into Darkness yesterday and boy was it good, but perhaps more importantly Chris Pine's face and hair were GREAT. I mean just really, standing ovation, beautiful, amazing, incredible performance there.

So here's some more Chris Pine looking A+ with a little bed head messy hair and a crisp, white henley. Set phasers to STUN ME WITH YOUR ICY BLUE GAZE, AM I RIGHT?

Henley Monday -

Summer time has finally come and come to stay! The sun is shining and birds are chirping and trees are budding and the lilacs smell INCREDIBLE.

So here's Alexander Skarsgard on that lovely summer staple, the beach! He looks very rugged like a field photographer for National Geographics of yore. Thumbs up.

The return of summer also means another TV staple will return to our lives. True Blood starring the Skarsgard here will be back on June 16th with all it's insane and completely bazoo plotlines. Until then enjoy this trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGgt_jllHcA&feature=player_embedded

Henley Monday -

Welcome to Henley Monday where every Monday I post a picture of a guy looking really, really attractive while wearing a henley shirt, be it thermal, cotton, linen, short-sleeved, of the sweater variety or whatever the geniuses in menswear have thought up.

This week it's repeat offender Aaron Tveit in this promotion shot for his new USA show "Graceland" and who you might also recognize as dear Enjolras from Les Mis. The monochromatic blue tones are mesmerizing and the architecture of his hair is astonishing. I would very much like to cuddle up next to that henley-clad body on any a moon-lit ocean-view night.

Henley Monday -

Happy day after Cinco de Mayo everyone! I bet when you woke up today you did not regret one single decision you made yesterday and felt like not just one million, but FIVE million bucks!

Haha, jk guys, I know you're all totes hungover and full of shame and regret for participating in a vaguely racist, meaningless holiday that serves as an excuse to binge drink.

Rergardless of your actions yesterday, you're stuck in a Monday now. A Monday that seems to drag on and on, and so here is Garrett Hedlund looking FOINE as Tom Haverford of Parks&Rec might say. His eyes, that hair, the suede on that jacket over a simple grey henley make Hedlund one very sweet sight for some very sore eyes.

Que se sientan mejor de pronto, mis amigos queridos.

Henley Monday - 100TH POST!!!

Friends, brethren, fellow aficionados of men's casual wear, it is with high head and swelling heart that I bring to you the 100th post here on Pop Culture Polar Bear.

For this momentous occasion, I thought long and hard about the pictures I would select and the men I would feature. After much toiling, the only right thing to do was to bring you my top two favorite hunks. Mr. Ryan Gosling and Captain "Chris Evans" America.

Never in the storied history of fashion have two men fully understood and appreciated the full majesty of the henley shirt quite so well as these two. May God continue to bless them in all their endeavors, and may He continue to bless our eyes with the sight of men rocking this timeless piece.

Bonus Ryan Gosling and his dog George!!!

DOUBLE BONUS CAPTAIN AMERICA TUSHIE!!!!!!!

Today is traditionally Henley Monday. It's usually a day for just a little bit of good-looking distraction when we're feeling tired and focusing on our own needs. But while I was working on today's post, the news broke about the explosions at the Boston Marathon. So I decided to change courses just a bit.

On a day when we normally need distractions from that which annoys us, let's focus on the things we're grateful for and put some good energy back into the world. 

Mr. Rogers is not only a national treasure and model of casual menswear at its finest, but someone who always brought positive light and who, even in death, reminds us of the overwhelming good that still exists even in the most trying and confusing of times in our human existence.

Say a prayer or send out your thoughts of peace and healing to the innocent people affected by the tragedy, and say a prayer for the helpers, for the people still working to make things right. Be a helper yourself if you can. Let's bring some comfort and do Mr. Rogers proud.

Menswear Fun Fact: The red sweater Mr. Fred Rogers is wearing in this picture is now on display at the Smithsonian as a "Treasure of American History". That is some powerful casual wear.

Henley Monday -

Spring has sprung. The warm weather has finally rolled into even our chilliest of climes. I ate lunch OUTSIDE on Saturday, even. OUTSIDE. The sun is shining in the big blue sky, just like Michael Fassbender's eyes shine here. So bright. So piercing. So magnetic that entire universes could revolve around them.

But enough about his eyes check out that henley that was practically PAINTED onto his majestic masculine form. Those jeans aren't bad either.

Henley Monday - 

I really, sincerely hate April Fool's Day. I have never enjoyed practical jokes because they inevitably lead to somebody or somebody's THINGS getting hurt, and it also feels like International Everybody Thinks They Are a Terrific Comedian I'm So Funny LOL JOKES, RIGHT GUYS? Day. I hate it.

My feelings towards it and any and all participants thereof match David Beckham's face exactly. "Oh, but you so recently gave us Becks!" you might say. Yes, but you can never have too much David Beckham in a henley PLUS his hatred for this day is clearly written upon his furrowed brow.

Solidarity, Becks.

Henley Monday -

I want you all to know that if I wanted to, I have enough photos of Ryan Gosling in DIFFERENT henleys to feature him as our Henley Monday for just over four months. That's a lot of Ryan in a lot of henleys. But I don't want to phone it in and give you solely our, albeit glorious, Patron Saint of Henleys.

So this Monday, with a plethora of new hunks from which to choose, I give you Ian Somerhalder. Doesn't he look passionate? What it is that's making him smolder so particularly hard right here? Due to the volume and high number of lashes that line his piercing blue eyes, Ian almost always looks like he's smoldering, but putting on this henley made him burn up a couple extra degrees.

May his stare keep you warm during these unseasonably cold days.

Henley Monday -

I am so tired today that I wish the world would just swallow me up, pause time, let me nap for roughly seventy years, then spit me back up once time has started again so I can feel rested for the remainder of my life.

However that seems like it would require the defiance of several laws of physics and break the time space continuum or all that hoo-ha. So I'll settle for this picture of Idris Elba. I will let his fearsome masculinity soothe me into a dream-like peace where his perfect, English booming voice tells me tales of old. Ahh yes...I can feel the serenity now...

The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Oh. My. Goodness. Here we are. We are here. We have made it. Mere minutes stand between us and knowing who Sean picks to be his wife.

I hope you all at home had your game rules handy because man are we going to need to imbibe to get through this one. We've got family; we've got elephants; we've got tiny river barges; we've got laughter; we've got tears; we've got too much of Sean's tongue; we've got dramaaaaa!

Who's ready? I am!

Chris Harrison welcomes us to the live studio where alongside an audience, we’ll all be tuning into the finale together. He calls it “a historic three-hour finale”, and would we classify this event as historic?

Like a little Teasey McTeaserson Chrarrison informs us that he has late breaking Bachelor news about Sean and his “quest for love that very well could provide one of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history.” WHAT IS IT, CHRARRISON?! WHAT COULD IT BE!? IS IT A BABY? DID THEY ELOPE? ARE HE AND EMILY BACK TOGETHER? WHAT? WHAT COULD IT BE?

With no further adieu, we jump right into the heart of Thailand and Sean’s quest for everlasting love. Just like Montana, Canada, St. Croix, other places in Thailand, and anywhere he went on Emily’s season, THIS part of Thailand is the most beautiful place Sean has ever seen. Sean has now seen a lot of places, each more superlative than the last most beautiful place he has ever seen.

His family arrives. I forgot that his adorable niece is named Kensington which means she’s going to be horrible when she’s about thirteen. The rest of his very, very, very, very white family arrives. Most importantly his cartoonishly precious dad is there in his glasses and tucked-in polo shirt.

His nephew Smith astutely points out to Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you.” And Sean goes, “No, Emily didn’t pick me. That’s hilarious.” And in that moment Smith learned about “too soon.”

HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW IS A MAJOR BEEF CAKE. Who is this guy?! Show him more! He looks like a sexy Jason Street from Friday Night Lights.

Sean’s mother is skeptical like any reasonable, rational, grounded-in-reality type of mother would be.

Catherine arrives in one of Thailand’s signature monsoons. She, like a reasonable, rational person is nervous to meet her potential future in-laws. Sean’s dad Jay jumps right into some light questions. Jay asks if Catherine played any sports in high school. Jay is so precocious that he is allowed to ask inane and bizarre questions like that. He adores Catherine’s answer that she played football in sixth grade and is besotted with her.

It has got to be six million degrees and 1000% humidity in Thailand, and they are eating on the lanai. Everybody is visibly sweating.

In her sit-down talk with his mother, she is very calm, cool, and collected. It seems like an actual piece of a normal conversation one might have with a future mother-in-law. Catherine talks about Sean like he’s a real person she’s in love with, and not a prince charming who is flawless and full of perfection. I like her so much. His mom wraps it up by calling her a “lovely lady.”

Now it’s time for the Jay Lowe Show! On a gazebo on a pond, Jay has a talk with Catherine about how she believes in the “Bachelor Process” (drink!). Jay smiles and nods along like an enthusiastic baby bird. “I know that we are going to have hardships, but you fight for [love]. And I’m a fighter,” she tells him.

Then he replies with this: “When Shay married Andrew, he became my best friend, and I love him. Ok? And so if it’s you that Sean ends up marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me. And that’s the truth. I’ll love you like my daughter, and there’s gonna be no holding that back. I’m gonna support you.”

Catherine and I tear up. Those are some lovely, lovely words. A father’s love, man! A father’s love! We all know how challenging her relationship with her father is! What better words could he have said? None! There were none better words than those! Jay Lowe, I love you. You deserve your own show.

You guys if I had known how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be this episode, I would have included it in the game rules. But I don’t think any of us could’ve anticipated just how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be.

Lindsay’s chariot pulls up next, and she squeaks out of the van and into the living room of Sean’s waiting family. Linds is OMG so nervous. They talk about feeding monkeys on the beach again just to enrage me. “Oh my God,” Lindsay squeals, “That was like the coolest thing ever.” Everyone has some good giggles.

Jay and Shay (oh no I just noticed that- why rhyming names?) bring up Lindsay’s grand entrance in her wedding dress after too much champagne. Everyone laughs but still gets to gently rib her.

Lindsay sits down first with Jay to have their talk. When he asks the same question he asked Catherine “how do you know when you’re in love for life before you get married?” Lindsay’s response is…lacking, shall we say. She is practically yelling, “I just know! I want to hang out with him! I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life! He just gets me! He is so supportive! He makes me feel beautiful! He’s everything that I’ve been looking for and more!” As true as all of those statements might be, they are just statements. They are just a bunch of true facts about how much Lindsey likes Sean that have nothing to do with being sure about the longevity of the love you share.

Jay tries to get things back on track by asking about how to solve conflicts in marriage, and Lindsay gives a fine, Miss America type answer about compromise and meeting in the middle. He also tells her that they prayed every day of Sean’s life for Sean’s wife, and he says that he’d be happy if his wife turns out to be Lindsey. This is still sweet, but not quite as amazing as what he told Catherine.

She wraps up the talk by asking for Sean’s hand in marriage and BOY do they have a good chuckle over that joke! HOOwee that was a doozy!

Now it’s mom’s turn. They talk about standard things like wanting the same things out of life and being able to talk to each other about everything. Lindsey tears up and gets emotional because she can’t believe this “journey” (drink!) lead her to this place.

They all bid her farewell after Jay makes a joke about them putting the two women to a vote. It’s awkward. Jay is also wearing a neon pink t-shirt under his blue linen button-up.

Sean talks it out with the family. Obviously they are very diplomatic about loving both women and saying the nicest things about both Catherine and Lindsey.

Sean’s smoking’ hot brother-in-law struggles to form a sentence but he’s so hot. He manages to laugh out, “You’ve. Got. Forty-eight hours for a tough. Decision. My friend.” Good for you Andrew.

His mommy finally gets her chance to speak her piece about how nervous and worried she is about Sean proposing to one of these women simply out of pressure, and not out of absolute clarity about who he wants to marry. She is skeptical and firm like a mother. Eventually, she begins to cry. All of the sudden it’s a weird, raw moment. Whenever real emotions are captured on this show, I feel uncomfortable like I shouldn’t be watching it. Sean and his mom take a walk around the pond to get the camera out of her face. “I just want this to end as a good experience for you…you know it doesn’t have to be either one of them. If you can’t decide, maybe that’s your decision.” Wise words.

Baaahahaha for his final date with Lindsay, Sean dons the ugliest turquoise tank top that is way too low-cut for a man. I know it’s boiling degrees outside, but no climate necessitates a tank-top like that. Lindsey’s hair is holding up in that humidity super well though.

They take a raft down the Mekong River that borders both Myanmar and Thailand. “I am so excited to be on this raft with Sean,” Lindsay beams. What a thing to be excited about. All I can think the whole time is how uncomfortable the men paddling and steering the raft must feel watching these two cuddle bugs.

Later on, they talk about their lives a long ways down the road. In an inspired romantic moment Sean declares, “I picture you as a hot old chick.” My heart melts at this declaration.

“After tomorrow there’s only two options for me. I could leave with everything I’ve ever wanted and more, or I could leave with absolutely nothing,” Lindsey tells us before the final dinner portion of their date. That is true. Those are your options. I’m glad you’re realizing that this is a high stakes situation.

They kiss and smack a lot. They tell each other why they like/love each other. Then she busts out a few paper lanterns with wishes like “family” and “happiness” written on them. They light the lanterns and set them off into the sky to eventually start a jungle fire. Just kidding, your wishes will all come true, little angels!

From the pile of infinite v-neck t-shirts wardrobe has provided, Sean selects a purple tee to perfectly match the cute purple top Catherine wears to their final date. They are going to take an elephant ride. This is the coolest thing imaginable and about ten bazillion times cooler than a raft ride on the Mekong River. It is an ELEPHANT for Pete’s sake! Catherine understands how exciting this is. She is a giddy little girl to be going on an elephant ride and rightly so. It’s an ELEPHANT.

They both put on some friggin’ sweet elephant riding pants and climb on board. Catherine gets to direct Bo the elephant, and it is amazing. Sean can’t believe he’s doing another thing he’s only seen in the movies. The movie to which he is obviously referring is the timeless Danny Glover vehicle, “Operation Dumbo Drop”.

Catherine and Sean talk about how fun thinking about their future is but how scary it is too. She wants to imagine the future of engagement parties and joy filled days but doesn’t want to get her hopes up only to be let down. She has a vein of reality flowing through this experience and her emotions.

Because this is the last night they will spend together before the “historic” (LOL) finale, Catherine feels the pressure of the situation to really lay her heart out on the line. She wants to make sure she tells Sean absolutely everything she’s feeling towards him so that she won’t look back and regret for not being open enough.

So to that end, Catherine tells him many things about how much she loves him and how they want the same things like family and a future where things will only get better.

“I just feel, so, a lot,” she says.

“I picture our lives together a lot. I know who you are, and that’s why you’re here,” he responds.

Which are fully fledged sentences and thoughts that two sentient beings can have, right? Totally.

As the two say good-bye for what might be the final time, we silently watch them cling to each other. Catherine tells him she loves him. He puts his big old mitt right on her butt.

She knows he can’t say anything back but is tortured by the fact that she is so far out on a limb! After they walk away the first time, Catherine runs back to say good-bye one more time and sheds a few tears.

“I can’t get anything out of him! Just say something, please!” she begs to the gods. More tears fall as she curls up on her bed in a ball. “I can’t predict what’s gonna happen, and I don’t want to be by myself again.” Again, seeing her crying in the fetal position because she truly doesn’t know if the man she loves loves her back is a rare real moment in the show which makes me uncomfortable.

We pop back in with Chrarrison and the studio audience to check how we are all feeling. We are feeling like we want to just see the rest of the episode, Chris! But fine! Make us talk to these to random audience members who aren’t even funny or wise!

When asked who he will pick Lady in Mint Green says, “My gut says Lindsey, but it could be Catherine!” Which is true! He could pick either Lindsey OR Catherine. Very good point. Lady in Leopard Print says, “It could go either way!” Wow! What a worthwhile assessment from two random female humans!

The final shirtless-shots of Sean stream towards us as Sean gets ready for his final day as the Bachelor. He feels that he could have successful relationships with either woman, but says, “I just woke up this morning and knew there was a woman I couldn’t stand to live without.” So his mind is made up.

“Hey Neil Lane!” Sean casually exclaims when he opens his villa door to find the famed and leather-skinned jeweler at his threshold. He picks out my favorite ring of the ones Neil has brought to Thailand. It’s a treasure.

Lindsey is wearing what could be a beautiful silver halter dress. It’s very, very shiny but does not very much flatter her small chest. Catherine is wearing a column of gold fabric that’s draped across one shoulder. It flatters her figure a bit more, but I’m not wild about either dress.

Lindsey cries because she’s overwhelmed by how perfect this all is and can’t wait to start their lives together. Catherine cries because she knows she loves Sean so much but isn’t sure what the outcome will be. And that, right there, is why I like Catherine better than Lindsey.

Chrarrison makes us talk to Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie (?????) before we get to the good stuff. They have nothing important whatsoever to share.

AWWW, YEAH! It’s time! The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Sean walks out to stand on the alter to love they have built upon a sweet a** rice paddy, just like every girl’s dream. Sean is dreading breaking a woman’s heart with no real reason to give. He is already very emotional.

Lindsey walks out of the SUV. “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged,” she tells us. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Look, I might not be her biggest fan, but I do not wish this heartbreak and humiliation on her! I’m also super surprised that I’ve been wrong two seasons in a row.

Sean starts off by telling her she looks beautiful. Then he launches into a speech about how he never saw their relationship coming and how every time he’s with her he’s amazed by her. Lindsey gets tears in her eyes because SHE THINKS SHE’S GETTING ENGAGED. She thinks this is it! It’s not! The “but” is coming! The “but” will come.

The “but” comes. “Lindsey this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do,” he heavily breathes, “I want so bad to give you my heart, but my heart’s leading me somewhere else.” Watching her face fall as she realizes it isn’t her is really cool. NOT. She lets go of his hands right away.

Remember when they asked Michael Scott on the Office if he’d ever gone hunting? And he responds that he shot a deer in the leg then had to kill it with a shovel? This is exactly like that. Sean won’t shut up. He keeps trying to give her reasons and talk more and more instead of just letting her go.

“Was it me?” she squeaks out. No! It wasn’t you, you beautiful creature! He assures her it wasn’t.

“So, I’m gonna go. ‘Cuz this is my nightmare…I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found love, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you. That’s something I’m going to have to figure out.”

Then she takes off her stilettos, and walks away. I have never respected her more. I literally give her a round of applause to the TV. But oh no no! Sean can’t effing let it go! He has to let her know one more time how hard this is for HIM. He is crying (which is fair) but it is NOT her job to make him feel better about shattering her world!

Sean sad. Lindsey sad. Everybody sad.

Chrarrison walks up to Sean to console him for a half-second before handing him the infamous letter! The dramatic music starts just as we cut to the studio audience! They are stunned and crazed to find out what in the name of helicopter rides is in that letter!

We come back from the break to find Sean pouring over this letter. I’m sure it’s very difficult for him to read printed text, so we get a voice-over of the contents of the letter.

Guess what guys. Guess what the letter is. It’s just a beautiful letter from Catherine to Sean telling him how she knows she loves him. She knows they can grow old together. It’s so lovely. It’s not overly romantic or wordy. Catherine just says “You have my heart, always” and isn’t that all any of us is looking for? Oh, no. The part of the show where I believe in true love is happening.

The walk from the car to the Rice Paddy of Love is agonizing because somehow wardrobe and production design didn’t discuss that there would be a rickety old plank bridge and a long gravel path in the middle of a jungle to cross in stilettos.

As Sean starts telling Catherine that he wants to spend the rest of his life telling her how beautiful and special she is, Catherine gets a touch of the crazy eyes. I think she’s trying not to cry but she is staring and blinking at him like a bushbaby.

When he goes to get down on one knee she practically seizes. When he asks the final question she replies in a whisper, “Yes! Huhhh!”. She is peeing her pants. I love this about that little weirdo.

They are ecstatic together. She feels so lucky. He feels so lucky. It’s the best day of both of their lives! They get to ride off into the sunset on ANOTHER ELEPHANT. IT’S ANOTHER ELEPHANT YOU GUYS. IT IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

“How cool is this? A proposal on a rice farm!” she coos as they ride off. Yeah, girl, pretty cool.

I will not be recapping the “After the Final Rose” special because it mostly is a recap itself, but I will share some highlights.

Number one is that they trot Lindsey out for a little heart to heart on live television where she keeps asking why and what she did wrong. It is painful and raw, and I hate every minute of it.

They trot Catherine out and they are adorable. She is shy because it’s live television, but it’s obvious they are still very much in love.

Finally, the big announcement that Chris Harrison kept referring to like it was the smoke rising from the Papal chimney, is that Sean and Catherine would like to get married on ABC to share with the whole Bachelor nation! And soon! How nice and frugal of them. And also that is not exactly life altering news, CHRARRISON. I care, but like, not that much.

In just two short months I’ll see you all right back here on Wednesday’s for recaps of the next season of the Bachelorette starring Desiree! I’m so excited and not surprised but still so excited to watch that girl find love! Keep straight on the journey till then, y’all. That’s all she wrote.

PS – THERE WAS NO FINALE MONTAGE SET TO THE SEMINAL HIT “GLORY OF LOVE” BY THE ONE AND ONLY PETER CETERA. I’M ENRAGED. HERE’S A LINK TO THE VIDEO SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SONG AND JUST IMAGINE WHAT THE PRODUCERS FAILED TO DELIVER.

The Official Bachelor Drinking Game

Hello my sweet journeyers! Together, through many trials and tribulations we have made it to this fine day: Bachelor Finale Day. I know you are just as excited as I am to see who our Bachelor Sean Lowe will choose and how it will all go down. Will it be Catherine, the raven haired beauty with a quirky intelligence Sean loves? Or Lindsay, the goofy girl who showed up to meet him wearing a wedding dress? Time will reveal all.

Many of you will be participating in viewing parties surrounded by your best friends, wine, and delicious snacks. A few seasons back, my friends and I put together a little viewing game, and I thought I would only be doing my due diligence in sharing it with you all. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can't wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you're underage, eat an m&m):

The word "journey" is used

The word "connection" is used

Someone refers to "the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says "picture the rest of my life", "spend the rest of my life", "could envision the rest of my life" or any other "rest of my life" phrases

Sean does a voice over while he walks around somewhere

Sean does a voice over while he stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Sean is shirtless

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as "paradise", "fairytale", or "something out of a dream"

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Sean.

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera's "The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!

Henley Monday - It's a Monday in March. The sun is nowhere to be seen. It's still only the 11th, so we're still in the Lion's territory as opposed to the Lamb's.

But our friend Justin Timberlake is sitting on top of the world. He hosted Saturday Night Live for the fifth time this weekend and was also the musical guest. It was a show filled with cameos from some of the all-time SNL greats and your favorite (or least favorite, "bring on down to _____-ville!") recurring characters from episodes past.

It should come as no small surprise that a song called "Suit & Tie" about the transformational power of formal wear ranks highly in my book. JT is a regular fashion plate. Why here, he wears a henley with contrasting placard under a sport coat with a spiffy pocket square.

JT gets it.

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Can you believe we're almost to the bitter end of this season of the Bachelor? I know I can't. But here we sit, ready to hear the women Sean has dumped along his journey dish all their juiciest gossip and share just how hurt they were by that big blond oaf with a baby's brain. 

Hit me with it, Chrarrison!

Chris Harrison walks out to thunderous applause. I’m not kidding it’s like a One Direction concert in there. They scream louder and louder as he suggests things like “Sean!” and “Sean with his shirt off!” They boo terrifically on cue when he says “Tierra!”

Before we get to the dirt, Chrarrison and Sean take us on their adventures of crashing various Bachelor viewing parties in the LA area. We have two hours to kill here people, so buckle up. The first house is full of screaming teenagers who flock to him like he is the Messiah. The rest of the parties are all full of women who scream for him and coo over him.

The big finale of this dog and pony show is Sean bursting into the Delta Gamma sorority house. The girls obviously go insane and as the cameras walk in, this one girl instinctively does that Delta Gamma thing where you crook your arm all weird to make a Gamma, and she literally won’t stop. She just keeps doing that thing and smiling maniacally at the camera. Go hug, Sean sweetie. Put your stupid arm down.

They chant for him to take his shirt off. He obliges. I’m sad about a lot of things.

It is time! The women have all been tromped out in their finery to sit on incredibly uncomfortable stools to give us what we want! I love seeing them after a few months of minimal celebrity because everybody changes their hair a little and they get their makeup done professionally so everyone looks tip top. AshLee got some new extensions and her hair is Connie Britton-glorious.

Notably missing from tonight’s proceedings is Ashley the girl with heinous extensions who sang a song about her momma’s sweet tea for Sean then got kicked off. She is presumably performing her heart out on a cruise ship far, far away.

Without mention of She Who Must Not Be Named, the conversation immediately jumps to discussing She Who Must Not Be Named. “Tierra’s sparkle didn’t sparkle that big,” Lesley says of our favorite little psychopath. Selma agrees that she was just rude and impolite and straight up weird. AshLee is still amazed that they had such a blow out in St. Croix. And Brook the Community Organizer about whom I completely forgot, thinks that the girls are just jealous because they weren’t as smart as You Know Who at coming up with ways to hang out with Sean. Yikes. Nope. That’s definitely not it.

Before we break to commercial, Chrarrison taunts that Tierra is backstage ready to defend herself. They show her wearing a hideous dress and spraying herself with enough perfume to poison a small dog. The proverbial poop is about to hit the fan.

The tension in the room is palpable as Lord Voldemort Tierra comes onto the stage and screen. Her makeup is actually nice and simple, probably to prevent another Polar Bear Plunge mascara disaster. Right off the bat she says how she “lights up in a room” and when she walks into a room she brings such joy with her and is talking very quietly like an un-sub from Criminal Minds who’s been stealing the neighborhood dogs and killing and stuffing them in her basement so she can have a menagerie of friends (I just made that up but it sounds like a great episode).

Chris Harrison does a very good job at interviewing her calmly and without accusation. He poses questions to her like, “But other girls got roses throughout the process and weren’t hated, so why did you feel like the target on your back was so big?” Good questions that she can’t answer without lying her little face off. She truly plays the victim so, so well.

“Even if you’re not trying to make best friends, why not just be friend-ly? Why make it harder on yourself?” Chris asks as the other girls vigorously nod their heads.

Finally, Chrarrison asks the money question: is there anything she regrets or would like to apologize for. You guys won’t believe it. You’ll never guess what she says. She says no. She says there’s nothing to apologize for! The women and the studio audience are positively agog.

So, now the women get to pester Tierra with questions about why she was the way she was. Basically it becomes a pissing contest of who can most accurately pinpoint why she was such a terrible person to be around. Brooke the Community Organizer actually comes up with a really good rebuttal. She wishes that Tierra would stand in her convictions and just stand up that she didn’t want to make friends and was unfriendly, rather than act like an innocent victims of other girls’ pettiness. Holla, Brooke!

Before AshLee can rip her claws into Tierra, Chris breaks us to commercial so he can properly wrangle the conversation about the infamous St. Croix Blow Up. AshLee is miffed. Tierra is blinking like a baby deer. AshLee takes GREAT offense to being called a liar. Tierra thinks she is always wrong and no matter what she does, she’ll be wrong. Well, if the only thing you do is lie and be terrible then yes, you’ll be wrong. But if you take responsibility for your actions and humbly apologize and grow from the experience, then maybe you won’t be so wrong. Selma agrees with me.

Eventually Tierra still doesn’t completely take the blame and admit she did something wrong, but she does apologize.

HOLY CRAP. TIERRA WAS LITTLE MISS NEVADA. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. She’s trying to make her case for the “Tierra you have a sparkle” line, but man does that ever backfire! Um. Hold on. Then Chrarrison points out what I’ve been blind to. Tierra is wearing an enormous diamond ring on her left hand. Sister girl is engaged. TIERRA is ENGAGED. Tierra’s engaged. Tierra has found love. When Chris asks when she got engaged, Tierra responds with “no comment”. Which is dumb. Chris asks again and she says “January”. So that was weird. Everything about her is weird. Oh well. She will plague me never more from this point forward.

Sarah’s time in the hot seat is up. There’s a chance that she could be the next Bachelorette based on her sad story, beautiful personality and face, and the fact that she’s so scared of never finding love. I really, really love this girl. She talks again about how she feels that her whole life has been a series of men telling her that she’s amazing but not right for them. “I think I’m funny, and smart, and I think I’m great!” she says, “And so do we!” someone from the audience shouts. Thunderous applause. Yes, Sarah. So do we.

Chris asks Dez if he can “holla at her for a second” in the hotseat (JK Chris isn’t Dez’s brother). They’re really building Dez up to be the next Bachelorette as she talks about how she just wants to make someone happy and wants the soul-mate level connection her parents have. There are a lot of sympathetic faces nodding along in the audience. She is very open to finding love (like all humans) and is looking forward to bringing the things she learned about herself into her next relationship. Now if I was a betting woman, I would place lots and lots of money on Dez’s horse to be the next Bachelorette.

“And yes! We have bloopers!” Chris exclaims from his mountaintop of glory because nothing and I mean NOTHING in this world could please me more than BLOOPERS FROM THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee gets to come up and give her side of the story in the breakup we all saw go down last week. They get to talking right away about the heated and emotional good-bye, and they pan over the singular guy in the audience! He’s in a sharp oatmeal sweater with big black-frame glasses. I’m very interested in what he’s thinking about while he’s sitting there listening to AshLee talk about her abandonment issues one more time. Is it steak? Is it her tight dress? Is it the unstoppable season the Chicago Blackhawks have been having? Or is it that Ash just really needs to lighten up and find a man who is not on TV to make her happy?

As she watched the show, AshLee says she realized Sean wasn’t quite the man she thought he was, the man she thought was her soul-mate. She says, “I mean, hate me for this, but he kind of acted like a frat boy.” If by frat-boy you mean stringing along several women at once and convincing them all he had feelings for them then dumping them without explanation one-by-one? Then yes, AshLee, a frat boy indeed. And I don’t hate you for it.

I scream a scream of anger and betrayal to the heavens as Sean comes out on stage, for once again the people in make-up have not heeded my cries to darken in Sean’s eyebrows when they put foundation on him for TV appearances! Why!?! Oh WHITHER, YE MAKEUP FIENDS?!

Like any meeting between ex’s, the awkwardness levels in the room are high. Sean says he’s eager to see the women. They, perhaps not so much. AshLee gets to come back on stage to have her talk with Sean! How horrible! He tells her that her new hair color looks beautiful which makes me puke in my mouth! Not the time for platitudes, Sean!

AshLee is not letting him off easy. She is being very pushy and insistent about how Sean never came to check on her. “But Sean you’re a gentleman. You’re supposed to be the man here,” she insists. Sean looks cornered and terrified because we all know he’s never going to be “right” to her.

Then a weird thing happens where Ashlee accuses him of saying that he had absolutely no feelings for the other women. His diplomatic façade kind of falls as he over and over again denies that he said that. “I didn’t say that, and I wouldn’t say that,” he tells her.

That hurt to watch. It was so awkward and painful it hurt me. Oh good and there’s more! AshLee, shocker, can’t let it go. The woman who can’t stop talking for one second about her abandonment issues won’t let something go! Wowzers! She keeps insisting that Sean said he had no feelings for the other women, and he continues to insist he said no such thing.

Moving on, thank goodness, he gets to talk to Dez. It’s very warm and cordial. They actually both seem pretty happy with how things turned out, so hey, it was all for the best. \

OH MY GOOOOSHHADLJFLAKDSJFWJERIOJUWASLFJASL IT’S TIME FOR BLOOPERS! I’VE LITERALLY NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED FOR SOMETHING IN MY LIFE! IT’S A BLOOPER REEL OF THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hijinks ensue.

With a final peek at the season finale coming next week, our penultimate wrap-up must end. Next week we will not only find out who gets to be Sean’s real-life girlfriend for a whole six months, but also who will be our next Bachelorette! I’m so excited, I can hardly breathe. Tell me all about the viewing parties you guys are having! I’ll be posting my official Bachelor Drinking/Eating Game rules for you on Monday so check in!

Henley Monday -

Hey guys. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. I ate an Italian beef/sausage combo dipped with sweet peppers today because it's my boyfriend Chicago's birthday. Happy 176th, babe! I'm also listening to Groove is in the Heart be Deee-Lite which if you haven't listened to in the last 10 years is highly enjoyable.

Overall life is going pretty grand for me and for our friend Jack Huston up there. He's wearing his simple henley with sleek wool trousers and a fetching overcoat. It's a beautiful blend of elegant and casual just like Jack's own background of English legacy and Hollywood royalty. Keep surprising us, Jack, old boy! Pip pip!

PS - It's also Casmir Pulaski day, so as a Polish Chicagoan I'm riding high.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!

Tuxedo Time - The Best Looking Men dressed in their Sunday Best

Ok, so maybe on Henley Monday I promised a Tuxedo Tuesday. And maybe yesterday there was a blizzard and I also go distracted and forgot to make the post. Maybe that's all true. But HERE. NOW. I bring you a plethora of photos from Hollywood's Biggest Night.

I bring you...Men In Tuxedos at the Oscars!

First, let's walk down the red carpet....

If you look closely, you can see Mr. Tveit's striped socks. I love a man who has a bit of whimsy when it comes to his dress socks.

Next up is Aaron "Enjolras" Tveit's Les Mis buddy Eddie Redmayne rocking the hell out of his velvet slippers.

Chris Pine went for the double breasted jacket. I die. I just die. He's not alone in his refusal to shave either. Many, many actors declined to rid themselves of facial hair for the black tie event.

This picture of Joseph Gordon Levitt shows the detail on his tux. The fabric has a bit of texture to it, as well as the piping details. I can't tell if the piping is silk or leather. I really want it to be leather.

Bradley Cooper brought his mom! He brought his adorable and precocious mom! She has on a pink ostrich feather stole AND tennis shoes! Brad's three-piece Tom Ford also rule and even though his hair is yucky he looks fine.

My personal fave Chris Evans brought his proud momma along too! She looks radiant. Chris, I love a good bow tie, but I get that's not quite your style.

Then the show started and more men tromped out on stage including this fine selection of male specimen from the Avengers. Samuel L. Jackson gets major points for going with that garnet velvet. Love it.

A whole bunch of awards were given out and the biggest one of the night went to Ben Affleck for Argo! He dressed the part of a best picture winner with a one button, silk lapel jacket, vest, and silk bow-tie! DAMN, AFFLECK, YOUR FACE IS AGING AS WELL AS YOUR CAREER!

Basically I was looking at my TV like this all night long:

Henley Monday -

I don't know about you, but I am still reeling from all the festivities of Oscar night. I laughed, I cried, I know a lot of people thought the show was a disaster, but my blind love for the Academy Awards will not let me agree.

Last night as the stars lined the red carpet, I was reminded that Jennifer Aniston is with Justin Theroux. I was also reminded that Justin Theroux is a total babe. He is so rugged and bad guy hot with a nice guy smile and i love him in this henley and shearling leather coat and beanie. Jen, you lucky bastard...

The Bachelor - Sean Tells All Recap

Everyone gather round, grab a cup of tea or coffee and snuggle up for a riveting gab session with your two best friends Sean Lowe and Chris Harrison. Those two are thick as thieves! Kind of. Sean didn't really talk to Chris that much which could be why he's made some really questionable decisions. Tonight, perhaps, we'll get some answers.

The interview is timed between hometown dates and the infamous "fantasy suite" dates (jk it’s happening right now). How will Sean handle that little pickle with his squeaky clean Christian image? And why don't the makeup people ever darken his eyebrows?! Just a little shading to make him look like a person! It’s all I’m asking for here people.

First topic up for discussion is how he sent Desiree home last night. To understand this decision, we travel back to the hometown date where Chris asserts that “the brother really questioned everything that’s sacred to you.” That seems a little hyperbolic, but sure, let’s go with it.

Sean fills us in that apparently Nate, Dez’s brother, has had a bit of a trouble past and is trying to “straighten himself out” which explains the necklace tattoo and general horrible attitude and lack of tact/manners. While Nate was ranting that Sean was a playboy, Sean wanted to hit the guy for insulting the core of his character. That would have been horrible but also kinda great because they were sitting by that pool and it would’ve been a very cool choreographed fight scene. But violence is not the way to solve things, kids.

What we didn’t see though, was the FIRST conversation Sean and Nate had where everything went fine! Nate called him a “really nice dude” and gave his approval! So what did he get drunk or something and go nuts on Sean for fun? Like, what the eff happened during dinner? “Ultimately I just chalk it up to him being a jackass,” Sean concludes. Fair point, man. Fair point, if inelegant.

We watch the emotional good-bye between Sean and Desiree one more time just to make our hearts break. I really feel like she’s in perfect position to be the next Bachelorette, so there’s that hope in her future.

Next up we recap the relationship with Sarah, our beautiful and artsy friend born with one arm. It reminds me how great she is and how much I want to go see movies and hang out with her. Sean doesn’t really reveal anything we didn’t already know about how at the end, he just didn’t feel the spark with her. He shares how much he wishes the best for Sarah and that she will find the love of her life. Those are some hollow words, bro, no matter how well intentioned.

Selma the Iraqi who wasn’t allowed to kiss on TV but was super affectionate and cuddly is up next. We see all the ways they tried to get around kissing like butterfly kisses and Eskimo kisses and I hate it. Remember how she did finally kiss him and then he sent her home? Ugh. Painful.

Moving forward into the pain territory, we have to watch Lesley and Sean complete the world record for longest onscreen kiss one more time. We recap THEIR whole relationship next, and I’m getting cranky. I was promised a gossip session about Tierra, and I want that delivered. Oh, and just in case Lesley isn’t kicking herself enough for not telling Sean she loved him, he says that if she had done that, he probably would’ve gone home to meet her family. So there’s that.

TIERRA TIME! WOOOOT! After bringing us up to speed as if we haven’t been watching this whole season, Sean ultimately says he feels “like a fool” and that he was “duped.” Thank you for admitting that. “In hindsight, I wish I would’ve kept Jackie on the two-on-one!” YES. Oh keep going, give us more dish. And also, I’m just really glad that he let her go and that he can openly admit that she was not a great person. We don’t normally get this resolve.

The fight in Montana lasted for hours and moved rooms several times. Sean was also feeling like a cranky baby because being the Bachelor is not easy and it is hard to be paid to travel the world and fall in love with several beautiful women wa wa wa wa.

Now that the gossip circle is broken up there’s nothing really worthwhile to talk about. We see some more deleted scenes of fun antics and none of them are really that fun. Then Chris asks about what’s really going to go no inside the fantasy suites.

Sean says that he just sees it as an opportunity to really talk to the women with no cameras, no audience, just the two of them. Chris once again brings up that maybe in the past the fantasy suites have involved, oh I don’t know, some specific kind of act that for some reason people think only happens at night? “I say it’s really none of your business,” Sean beams to Chris.

“A gentleman to the end,” Chris concludes. I guess we could say that. Sure. I’ll give it to Sean for being a gentleman.

That wraps up our night! We'll see each other next Wednesday for the splendor and drama of Thailand and the overnight dates. Until then, please don't let anyone take your sparkle away, pumpkins.

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

Love is dead and there is no point in going on. I don't know how much I can support the happiness of these people today because I watched last night's Downton Abbey. Did you?

SPOILERS AHEAD - Did you scream at the TV and shoulder shaking sob just as hard as you did when Lady Sybil died in her mother’s arms? BEAUSE LOVE IS DEAD. I CAN’T GO ON. I’M GOING TO STAY IN MY PAJAMA’S AND DRINK HEAVILY TO GET THROUGH THIS. SEAN WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE LIKE MATTHEW LOVED MARY. JULIAN FELLOWES, HOW COULD YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? HE HAD NO CHIN AND A PUDDING FACE BUT WAS SO SO HOT AND SO, SO PERFECT.

No more Downton related spoilers henceforth.

Let’s go on some hometown dates and meet Desiree’s horrible hillbilly brother.

AshLee and her adoptive family are up first in Houston. She has her tiny dog Bailey with her for their wee picnic date in a majestic field.  I assume her family is great with zero foreknowledge because if they were dramatic we’d have seen them in the previews.

“Here I am about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family,” AshLee gushes to camera which is a fun way to bend all the grammar rules for coherence. Ash is so super excited because she finally feels like she’s met a man who is as exceptional a man as her father. I want to hate that, but I can’t. I guess in my mourning I’ve become more lenient with them for saying cheesy things because, like, everyone deserves love.

AshLee’s house is exactly how you would picture the house of a preacher from Texas. Her father is a giant Texan with a mustache and her mom is portly and full of love. I love her parents immediately, and I speculate that they’d get along great with Sean’s family. AshLee cries when telling her parents about the polar bear plunge which is a little much, and then she makes her parents extremely uncomfortable by telling them they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix.

When Sean and her mother Deborah have their chat, guess what they talk about? You’ll never guess. It’s a real shock. Are you ready? Did you guess? Did you guess it was her adoption and abandonment issues? IT WAS! YOU WIN!

Her dad is protective but still very sweet. He gives Sean his blessing to ask AshLee to marry him should he so desire. And then her dad cries telling Sean how he fell in love with AshLee the moment he met her, and I cry a little because it’s a father’s love, you guys! It’s a really great hometown date; I’ll give it an A.

Cute Catherine and her hometown of Seattle are up next! Of course she is from Seattle. It makes perfect sense. They’re of course going to that famous Seattle farmer’s market and have adorable times. They do the famous fish throwing thing, and Sean gets involved and my heart gets a little involved with some of the burly fish mongers who are tossing fish about. I can’t imagine him smelling very good after that. Then they make the vegan catch dead and decapitated fish. I like that she’s game for it and is adorable while doing it. They are one beautiful couple, and can you just indulge me for a second and imagine how beautiful their multicultural kids would be? So beautiful.

Over lunch, Catherine gives Sean a crash course on Filipino culture, and MAN is she cute. He meets up with her mom, her grandma, and her two sisters. Their house is artsy and cozy and filled with culture and love. They have such a cute time. I have no other words. Everything is cute. Even grandma telling him he’s handsome in broken English.

Her sisters however are blank faced while they have a serious talk about their relationship. They are really combative, and she’s kind of frazzled by it. I totally understand why they would be protective and try to challenge her, so I hope she feels confident going forward.

When Sean and the sisters talk, I worry that they’re trying to dissuade him. The older sister really takes the lead on saying so many words, like a lot of words, to say almost nothing. They shit talk her, basically, and call her messy and moody and hyper-focused which SUCKS of them to do.

Her mom is the best one. She is warm but honest and very sincere in her responses to Sean as to her feelings about their relationship. When he asks for her blessing to ask her to marry him, she doesn’t give a straight answer. This worries him. In the end he feels like he ended up with more questions than he got answers. It was an A+ first half of the day, and a C meeting with the family. But I’m rooting for those two crazy kids!

Lindsay brings Sean down to Missouri to meet her military family in her military base hometown. It’s safe to say this isn’t where she grew up, but it’s where her family is now. So they have as nice a time you can have in a sleepy little town in Missourah. Lindsay is whatever and just kinda ditzy. Sean is red as a beat as he’s talking about meeting her dad who is a two-star general. He is a nervous little strawberry.

Oh good now it’s time for planned fun. Lindsay makes Sean put on a really cool mock turtle neck army t-shirt and olive-drab pants and makes him get “military” ready to meet her dad. He can’t stop giggling. I’m glad to have proof that no one looks good in a mock turtle neck. YA HEAR THAT, LL BEAN? NO ONE.

I understand why Sean is so nervous a little better when Lindsay explains that people who graduate from West Point come to Fort Wood to do their officer training and her dad is in charge of all of it. Her dad is in charge of the training of the people who survived West Point. So. Yeah. Sean’s nervousness is completely warranted.

Her mother is just all bubbles and her younger brother is shy and nice. Her dad is intimidating. She is just like her mother. Somehow I love the effervescence on her mother where I find it cloying on Lindsay. Her family makes me like her more. Dammit. During the chat with her mom, Sean says the same things he’s been saying the whole time. Lisa gives Sean her seal of approval.

The conversation he has with Lindsay’s dad is less warm. By no means is he scary or mean or horrible, but he’s concerned that his daughter will get hurt. When Sean asks for the marriage blessing, Papa General hems and haws over it. He’s very kind about it though, he’s not declining to answer because he’s a dick, he’s just explaining his thoughts the best he knows how. He ends up giving his blessing, and I totally love him. Her family is great, and they give him a set of identification tags from the Army and oops I’m crying. It’s just such a nice gesture. I’m so emotionally vulnerable right now. A- minus overall hometown date.

Let the drama begin! We’re heading back to LA to meet Desiree’s family. I know she lives in Charleston, and for some reason I never would’ve thought her family lived in Los Angeles, particularly because of what I’ve seen of her hillbilly brother. They go hiking like I see people do in movies and TV shows all the time. She is great for admitting that she just wants to go on hikes and make out. Yeah, Dez. That is pretty great, girl. I feel you.

They walk into her house which is nice and not, in fact, a tent. The two of them make dinner together, and I’m confused about the family situation and what her family does now so as to afford a nice, stable home. When there’s a knock on the door, some dork in plaid shows up. Dez does not seem pleased. He wants to talk to Dez and tries to get the cameras to turn off. He says, non-convincingly, “Dez. I love you. I’ve been texting, calling you. Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been busy,” she says and gestures to Sean.

Sean’s response is, “Wooooaaaah.” His wheels are turning pretty hard. Mine are too. I sense a prank.

The fight escalates, and Sean sticks up for her and tells this guy to hit the road. Then the truth is revealed. I bet it’s a prank. It is a prank. The goober guy is an actor, and Dez used it as payback for the terrible prank he pulled on her. But Dez wins on this one because she got to see Sean be protective and great. Still maybe not the best timing given his anxiety about meeting the fam?

Too bad the real drama is coming! We meet her mom Roxanne, her dad Tony, and her brother Nate. Nate has a tattoo of a necklace, so that’s a thing. Perpetually accessorized. Her father is just adorable, and you can see where she got her mega-watt smile. Her mother is too sweet. The conversation he had with her dad went well even though they didn’t show us. Everything seems great…until.

Nate is skeptical and inquisitive and accusatory. He’s weird. Nate thinks this is stupid. He said so. He doesn’t want her to fall for the “wrong dude.” He seems wise and full of worldly experience in addition to being the kind of guy from whom you’d take important life advice.

He pulls Sean aside for a heart-to-heart. Nate’s mouth is tiny and his ears are big. He accuses Sean of not feeling anything for his sister. He doesn’t believe that Sean reciprocates any emotion for his sister, but that is patently false. Sean is the epitome of diplomacy in how he’s talking to this guy coming at him hard and heavy.

“I think you’re just a playboy having fun with the circumstances,” Nate laughs at him. It’s rude.

Sean is riled up for real because his dignity and integrity are at stake now, and he can’t convince this hillbilly that he’s for real. In the end, Sean just clams up, and they head back inside to stop the conversation. Dez immediately knows something is wrong and the whole rest of the family tells Nate to shut up. They are embarrassed and awkward which is so disappointing because her parents are so sweet and DEZ IS THE BEST. COME ON. SEAN. DON’T DOUBT WHAT YOU HAVE HERE. YOU CAN FIX THINGS WITH HER BROTHER OR JUST GET OVER IT.

The only thing left is the rose ceremony back at the Bachelor Mansion. Sean tells us that he feels confident about seeing a future with AshLee and Lindsay, but a question mark lingers over Desiree and Catherine. FINALLY, we get a Chrarrison sit-down-talk-about-your-feelings-time.

Sean is confused. The only negative he has for Dez is her brother. The negative he has with Catherine is that she is a free-spirit and isn’t in a place where she’s ready to completely settle down and get married. The choice there is pretty clear-cut to me, but who knows what Sean is going to think.

As a side note, how in the name of all things is the girl who got out of the limo in a wedding dress and got blasted the first night in the semi-finals of this thing? How is that possible? That girl is my age, and I do not understand what is going on with her whole situation. LINDSAY.

Sean pregame huddles at the rose ceremony that standing before them he still doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. This is weighing heavily on his heart; as well it should be, but come on dude. Don’t be stupid.

Before he gives out even the first rose, Dez pulls him aside to talk to him. Her gold sequin dress rules. She cries trying to apologize for the way her brother behaved. She knows things aren’t good for her. He is calm and reassuring, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING.

He calls AshLee first. Next he calls Lindsay, like we knew he would. And so now it’s down to my two favorites, and this blows. The little hamster powering his brain mill is running so fast while he agonizes with the last rose. He puts it down. HE PUTS IT DOWN. WHAT’S HE DOING?  HE WALKS AWAY. REAL TIME REATIONS HAPPENING I’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE MAYBE. The intervention music starts up while he goes back to the room to look at the ladies’ pictures one more time.

So he puts the two girls through a tortuous wait while he figures out what he’s gonna do be\cause he didn’t figure it out before! Sean! Get your shit together! He finally comes back into the room to deal the final blow to one girl.

He calls Catherine’s name. Oh no. Oh boy. I am breaking inside for Desiree. I cannot believe Sean let her brother ruin this. OH WELL. DEZ FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. COME ON NOW. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO MARRY THAT BRIDAL CONSULTANT WITH A SMILE AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN?! I’M SO HURT BY THIS DECISION SEAN, BUT YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU ARE SINGLE WITHIN 8 MONTHS OR LESS.

SEE YOU LATER SUCKER; I’M ON DEZ’S SIDE NOW. I MEAN, PICK WHO YOU’RE GONNA PICK, BUT DEZ IS THE BEST AND YOU ARE A DOOFUS FOR NOT SEEING IT. Just propose to whoever you’re going to propose to on that rice paddy in Thailand so we can move on to Dez finding love.

Alright, well, because God hates me, there is a surprise tomorrow night in the form of a Sean Tells All special. I will see you all for that journeyers because this man has some major ‘splaining to do. But for now I’m heading back to my wine. Back. to my. wine.

Henley Monday -

As you've come to know and expect, on holiday weekends your weekly dosage of henley comes to you on Tuesday, the actual Monday of the week. I hope you all enjoyed Presidents Day as much as the furniture stores did and relished the long break from your monotonous work life.

I'm not sure about the weather where you're at, but today in Chicago it is positively frigid. While walking across the river this morning, the wind was so strong that it PUSHED ME. It physically PUSHED ME ASIDE. I was not pleased. I was not warm. My whole body was feeling the absolute absence of warmth.

David Beckham is the embodiment of heat, however. He is smoldering hot in the face and in the hair and in the body and in this henley. Look at that man in that henley! He would NEVER let me get so cold I couldn't feel my toes. Bless him.