A Normal And Average Sunday Consists Of Lying On The Ground Thinking About How Much I'd Like To Go Back

the "feeling like something is wrong with you that you have to hide" background noise is often a result of childhood trauma because an abused or neglected child who doesn't rationalize their mistreatment runs the risk of alienating themselves from what little shelter and care is actually being provided. it's theorized that blaming yourself at that age is a way to survive by coming up with a justification for why you're being abused so you don't blame your caregivers for your own suffering, thereby alienating them to the point that you are fed or sheltered or protected even less than you are currently. believing you may be able to "change" so that you're worthy of love also prevents despair/giving up. it's of utmost importance to the survival of very small children to develop a worldview that keeps them alive, even if it's by totally magical thinking and at the cost of their ability to perceive reality or navigate normal human relationships. the same thing can happen to adults in abusive domestic situations.

anyway once you're out of that situation it's time to get really pissed off

sadness, grief, anger, etc. might feel comfortable because they’re familiar, but that doesn’t make them good for you. feel them, but don’t let them overtake you.

“Childhood trauma trains us to anticipate other people's needs while ignoring our own. As we heal, we rediscover ourselves.”

— Thema Bryant, PhD

“I don’t want you to save me. I want you to stand by my side as I save myself.”

— Unknown

33

I am going to see my dad today. He is still on the ventilator and probably will be for the next few days.

I am not ready to lose a parent.

I have hope that the hospital he’s at now can fix this. But I am still scared and overwhelmed.

ur purpose on this earth isn’t to be liked by everyone why would u waste ur time trying to live such a restrictive existence trying to impress everyone like who really gives a fuck

you have to admit there are some joys in life that can only be felt due to hardship. a common example is steaming hot showers. it takes a cold day, or a sickness, for someone to experience the joy of a hot shower. you can’t enjoy it in the heat. then there’s the joy of a fulfilling sleep, often achieved through a tiring day. and there’s the joy of a reunion, achieved through separation. and there are many more examples. sometimes difficulty carries a special range of joys and that’s something to be thankful about.