Strongshape - Mishmash

“If you don’t leave your past in the past it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away.”

— Unknown

how avpd might impair your ability to process information/cues when in social situations

avpd can cause hyper-vigilance

this means you are constantly scanning for danger

because you are constantly scanning for danger, you might pick up on incidental actions of others and reinterpret them as rejection (for example thinking everyone who laughs in your earshot, must be laughing at you, when it isn't the case*)

because you are constantly scanning for danger, your processing systems in the brain become flooded and overwhelmed

this means there are no capacities left to actually process the impulses in depth -> everything ends up being labeled a threat

only option left -> withdraw to a safer space with less impulses

alternative, if you don't withdraw: you are then left with a flood of vague sensations that you are not safe

if you are constantly scanning for danger, you are expecting dangerous social cues. this leads to a chance for misidentifying things, overthinking, etc...

as your anxiety goes up you become overwhelmed -> the capacity to process information goes down: a stressed brain is bad at thinking

in this anxious state, everything gets labeled a threat in a scattered way

fleeing environment confirms what you already think about yourself: "you're an anti-social weirdo who can't socialize" -> more shame and embarrassment

this makes you search for even more proof next time you're in a social situation

this cycle is self-perpetuating

🌀VICIOUS CIRCLE! 🌀

coping mechanisms like trying to calm yourself down by thinking about what you're have for lunch later, etc... might even make things worse, because you are not there in the moment, might appear absent-minded, scattered, which can lead to actual rejection or negative reactions from those around you.

this then confirms what you already think: "people hate you, etc..."

i took these notes while listening to this podcast: Avoidant Personality Disorder - Sensitive, Vigilant and Socially Anxious. i really liked the breakdown of the cognitive processes, because they perfectly map onto my behaviour. the podcast is for therapists by therapists and unfortunately didn't offer much in terms of what someone who is suffering with avpd can do, to counteract this. it was more about advice for therapists. however, it was still a great insight and i recommend giving it a listen. especially the first 35 or so minutes that offer different explanations for what causes avpd and how it shows up in people.

*just an addition here: those of us who have been through bullying know that sometimes people are actually laughing at you. if you've been through it before it obviously makes this worse imo. but still, people laughing now, are not laughing at us. especially strangers. and even if they are, it's important to have skills to deal with it and not let it worsen our mood, make us anxious, etc...

It’s really easy to think that our friends and other loved ones think negative things of us when we’re not around but I have to say that it’s much more likely they’re thinking positive things.

I think about my best friend, and how beautiful she is and how I miss her and hope she’s doing okay.

I think about my partner at work and how much I love him and can’t wait for him to get home.

I think about my online friend and how amazing it was to meet her this year. I wonder how she’s doing and I feel so thankful she’s been a part of my life for so long.

I think about my cousins and how wonderful they are and how even though we don’t talk much anymore, they were a huge part of my growing up and I’ll always love them.

We often think positive things about our loved ones, and it’s likely they do the same for us as well.

i think ultimately you do really have to kill that part of your brain that vividly imagines how you would redo parts of your life.

I think for a lot of us, recovery isn’t about not having triggers anymore or not having symptoms. I think it’s about how we learn to react to those things. Focus on giving yourself credit for learning to cope with things in a healthier way and stop beating yourself up for experiencing symptoms or emotions in the first place.

One key part of relationships (platonic, romantic, etc) is communication. We all hear this. It’s said constantly. Communication.

But there’s a difference between proper communication and well… not proper communication.

There’s a difference between saying:

“I’m feeling insecure because my brain is being rude. It’s not your fault, but could you please give me some reassurance?”

And

“I’m so worthless. No one cares about me. Why do I even try?”

If you want someone to be there for you, please ask them. Don’t hint at it. Don’t guilt at it. I know asking directly can be scary but it is usually so much less draining for both of you than having to play a guessing game. The latter example is not proper communication. You may think the message is clear, but other people’s minds don’t work the same as yours. With that said, maybe the message is clear but the person feels really drained by the way you’re going about it and won’t engage because of that. And that’s super valid. 

If you have needs in a relationship, please communicate them clearly and don’t expect people to read your mind. 

Sorry to break yall's hearts but this is too well written of a post to not include in here.

Healing is also realizing you're going to have trauma reactions even after you decided to be healthy. That even after saying: "I want to heal, and rest, and I'm going to try to get better," you still let yourself reject help, struggle with trauma reactions, and unhealthy habits. That it's okay, and it's a part of healing. As long as you try to get better.

It's not going to happen immediately. If anything, at first, it's going to get way worse, horrible, even. And then better, and then bad again, and then you'll start getting relapses. And that's okay.

Relapse is a part of healing. Feeling all the bad stuff is a part of healing. Allowing yourself to be traumatized is a part of healing.

-host