05.08.2018

There is no point, you try your best to be “the best version of yourself” but all you get in return is “what’s wrong?”. Is it really that hard? To see that stuff that you say or do hurt? Or am I just too emotional woman who can’t handle her feelings? Somehow I don’t believe it’s true. Because I can handle everything. The only thing I need right now is to understand if he even feels anything towards me? Or am I just sitting on a passenger seat while he is zoned out and doesn’t even notice til we get somewhere? I hate to feel this way. I hate the thought in my head that says “he doesn’t actually care about YOU, you know that dear, why do you still keep trying?”. But what if it’s right?

I wish I knew some big words to describe how I feel. I wish there was at least one language I knew that deep so I could write poetry. Except I’m using my simple mind to tell you that I don’t feel loved. Sometimes I wish I could love less, maybe I’d feel less violated then. If I could give you only half of my love, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so left out. It’s painful to feel this way. Like everything’s unfair. To make sacrifices for somebody who doesn’t feel this way. It hurts, it hurts like hell. I wish you could see it. See that I can’t tell you what hurts me because I don’t want you to feel any sort of pain. Making myself to carry all of it. I’m so tired.

I’m so sad. I wear this mask. I show everybody that I got better. I’m example of how it gets done. But I’m not happy. I’m trying to convince them and myself and for a second it works. But I’m sad. I’m in pain. I’m tired and scared this shit is gonna win.

I feel like it’s an end. But I don’t want it to end. So I have a choice to suck it up or talk about it. If I talk it’s gonna end up in a worst argument, loss of trust and a big distance between us. So my only choice is to suck it up. Even when it makes me feel like I’m drowning, I can’t breathe and all my cells are trying to convince me that the easiest way to cope with it is fall back into patterns that have ruined my life so many times.

I don’t really have a choice here. Because without him I’ll lose the biggest part of myself. I’ll lose everything.

At the age of eight

First time I died at the age of 8. I was skating on our street when I heard a scream. You know the one you hear in movies when a person dies and loved ones see that. I didn’t know what that scream meant. I ran home and saw my mom crying, she said that grandfather died. What? How? Yes, he was sick but he got better? He did right? What does it mean?

Funeral, grandmother screams and cries and people are holding her. “He was so young” I didn’t understand, he’s grandfather he can’t be young. “Even now he’s smiling” said my aunt. I looked and grandads dead face, yes he’s smiling. I can’t breathe. “Dad can I go, sit in a car?”.

It’s September and we’re back at school, second grade you know the year I was one of the best student and read lots of books. I hated reading before that. Girls started bragging about what each one of them did whole summer. “And what about you?” “Oh, my grandfather died”. Silence, no there wasn’t any but I didn’t hear anything. Nobody heard me? Or did they just ignore it? I wanted to scream, I wanted to run away, I’m fucking 8 years old and nobody, nor family or friends thought that death of the most important to me person actually bothers me.

At the age of 8 was the first time I died. At the age of 8 I learned that nobody cares. At the age of eight I grew up. At the age of 8 I buried my happiness.

Felt like a prostitute

08.05.2018

Опять. Всё опять по кругу. Ну почему? Почему? .

Слышу как родители на первом этаже опять ругаются... что-то полетело... скорее всего папа пытался чем то в маму попасть. Папа пьёт. Просто спасибо. На мой рисунок сказал «нафиг ты это нарисовала?» блин он вообще дурак? Если мне врачами поставлен диагноз психического расстройства? Он надеятся я буду нормально себя вести? Как же мне хочется сбежать от сюда. Куда нибудь. Или просто. Блин. Я опасна для себя. Я серьёзно хочу себя убить. И я боюсь что сделаю это. Закройте меня в психушке. Я серьёзно. Дайте мне отдохнуть. Дайте мне отдышаться от жизни. Пожалуйста. Прошу.

Broken.

I’m so fuckin sad and broken. I don’t know what to do to feel better. I don’t want it to end and I don’t want to be feeling my whole life like this.

I want to go.

Why is it so hard for me to feel loved?

It’s so hard to have so many feeling for one person, this obsession just turns into pain in my chest.

I have a strong feeling that my fear to not be loved is gonna kill me. I’m so close to leave this place and I’m scared. I really want to enjoy life but I just can’t.

Just in case…. I loved you, I love you and I won’t ever stop loving you

Me: I can't take it anymore. I almost killed myself yesterday...

Therapist: You are managing everything so much better.

...