Why Is It So Hard For Me To Feel Loved?

In a psych ward again. Third time this year.

• 3 days

• over 3 weeks

• 12 days and counting

I wish I could say that it’s getting better. But it’s not. It’s not and I don’t know how to stop it. I just want to take a breath without feeling all this weight. Feels like I’ve never had my lungs full. I’m just so tired of being always tired. Tired of this never ending cycle. Every time it gets better and then it gets worse again. Usually I can feel that things are gonna get better again. Not this time. I’m not actively suicidal. But I wouldn’t mind not waking up tomorrow. I need to keep living at least until I see twenty one pilots in Poland. Also going to Georgia this month with my dad. So like you know I have so many exciting things coming. But I’m not excited. It’s just a box I need to tick. Tik-tok eyes on the clock, waiting it to stop.

The drip finally stops.

I used to cry about leaving everyone behind. I’m still sad about it. But it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. I’m in so much pain and I know I’m selfish, knowing how much pain it would cause others. But I feel that type of pain on a daily basis. Everyday is a nightmare that I can’t escape.

I can’t act broken because I’m a foundation to a lot of people. It sounds so egoistic, but that’s just how it is. I carry you all and I like doing it. It’s just you know. I need someone to carry me. I need someone to not need anything in return and just be there for me. To not try to change me every time, to not give advices. Just be there for me.

But here I am being in a hospital. With no strength to hold myself. Somehow I still find some to hold others. I am so tired. I will be there for you with tears on my face and blood dripping down on the floor. But I’ll be there for you.

I just don’t have any strength to fight for myself. So please somebody, anyone… please fight for me. I want to live but I’m tired of suffering. We put dogs that are in pain to sleep. I’m not a dog, I’m much less important, I cause pain to myself and others. So put me to sleep. Save me from my pain, save me from causing pain to others.

Save me

I hate my brain so much. I didn’t wake up in the best mood today but that’s fine. It’s nothing. It’s just normal things.

Then somebody heightens their voice at me and I cry and I hate and I am extremely anxious and I cry and I go to sleep. I wake up and only thought in my head is “I want to die” it just spins in my head on repeat. I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die.

I’m so tired of my head trying to kill me.

What if I’ve let it hurt me so much that I can’t hurt anymore. What if the drip finally stopped? All my love bled out. All the passion. What if now it’s only a habit. Habit to love. I feel so detached. I don’t feel the deep connection I’ve felt before. Or was it even a connection? Or was it just one of my mental illnesses obsessing over him. What he’s just one of my “special interests”? I do love him. He is my best friend, my family. But is there anything more left in me? I don’t know.

21.07.2018

Я буду жить. Буду жить ненавидя жизнь. Буду жить. Жить? Существовать скорее. Просто мёртвая девочка которая при людях кажется самой счастливой и живой.

Ничего не меняется

At the age of eight

First time I died at the age of 8. I was skating on our street when I heard a scream. You know the one you hear in movies when a person dies and loved ones see that. I didn’t know what that scream meant. I ran home and saw my mom crying, she said that grandfather died. What? How? Yes, he was sick but he got better? He did right? What does it mean?

Funeral, grandmother screams and cries and people are holding her. “He was so young” I didn’t understand, he’s grandfather he can’t be young. “Even now he’s smiling” said my aunt. I looked and grandads dead face, yes he’s smiling. I can’t breathe. “Dad can I go, sit in a car?”.

It’s September and we’re back at school, second grade you know the year I was one of the best student and read lots of books. I hated reading before that. Girls started bragging about what each one of them did whole summer. “And what about you?” “Oh, my grandfather died”. Silence, no there wasn’t any but I didn’t hear anything. Nobody heard me? Or did they just ignore it? I wanted to scream, I wanted to run away, I’m fucking 8 years old and nobody, nor family or friends thought that death of the most important to me person actually bothers me.

At the age of 8 was the first time I died. At the age of 8 I learned that nobody cares. At the age of eight I grew up. At the age of 8 I buried my happiness.

They’re trying to help. They’re putting stitches on my wounds to stop it bleeding. But there’s no one cleaning all these wounds. It still hurts. Now it’s slowly killing.

Ei, ükskõik mis, aga palun mitte see. See tunne tuli tagasi. Ma ei mäleta millal see viimati oli. See tunne nagu su mõtetel oleksid raskused küljes ja sind tõmbab ühest põhjast teisse. Hingata on raske. Mõtted lendavad nii kiiresti kuid ma väsinud. Nagu raske hingamine kuid mõtetes. Ma jälle lähen hulluks. Ma kardan. Palun keegi kaitske mind selle eest, mis mu peas toimub. Ma tunnen surma. Ma ei tunne reaalsust. Tung teha endaga midagi on liiga tugev. Ma ei taha seda tunda. Palun mine ära.

08.05.2018

Я честно старалась. Ну да рукожоп я... и что теперь?

Папа сказал на это: «опять рисуешь свою депрессивную фигню».

Да пошёл он...

Блин

05.06.2018

Я очень сильно устала. Устала от всего. Во мне нету эмоций. Я просто отработала своё актёрское мастерство и притворяюсь.

Эти последние дни вообще сплошная ложь.

Я серьёзно не знаю как долго протяну...

Всё болит.

Ноль эмоций.

09.09.2018

Что у меня нового?

Привет!

Я всё ещё не хочу жить. Я хочу рыдать но не умею. Я хочу кричать, что отчасти и делаю. Я устала. Я опять вернулась на ту точку которая привела меня в психиатрическую больницу, но теперь я уже в больнице. Я ТАК УСТАЛА. Я УСТАЛА ОТ ФАЛЬШИВЫХ УЛЫБОК, ОТ ФАЛЬШИВОГО ИНТЕРЕСА К ЛЮДЯМ, ОТ ВСЕГО. Почему все говорят «самое главное чтобы ты жила».... а когда для тебя это очень сложно и ты делаешь всё для того чтобы жить.... говорят «меняйся в лучшую сторону» АААААААААААААААА

я залезу сама в гроб и брошусь в море.

Пожалуйста поймите.

Я так больше не могу.

Я пишу это себе если что.

Просто я...

Да не важно

Жизнь прекрасна

Будет

Когда

Меня

Не

Станет