Latest Posts by wemmme - Page 2

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it."

Happy birthday to the twinyards! At 38 they:

Have known about each other for 25 years, or 65% of their lives

Have been living as brothers for 22 years, or 58% of their lives

Have stuck together without a deal for 18 years, or 47% of their lives

Have learned to be brothers even when living apart for 15 years, or 39% of their lives.

Their time together surpasses the ones with their abusers, they know more life with each other than without and every year they see the good years growing bigger than the bad ones.

They've been brothers for most of their lives now and that means so much when there was a chance they would never get to be brothers at all.

neil accidentally sits closer to andrew than he meant to. he tries to move to create some distance again, respecting his personal space, but as soon as he does, andrew subtly shifts his body over and presses their legs against each other. andrew isn’t looking at him, he keeps his bored stare on the t.v, and responds a simple “cold.”

neil didn’t leave that spot for hours.

When Andrew and Aaron graduate, they hug. Andrew is the last to let go.

I think Andrew's desperation to live is a little overlooked in the fandom. It's not explicitly stated in the books, other than his SH scars, but I honestly think it is so important to understanding him and his motivations.

Did Andrew ever plan to live past graduation? Before Kevin came along and promised his life would have worth? Did he plan on disappearing when Aaron eventually walked away from him? Believing nobody would notice if he was gone?

He clung on purely for Aaron, to make sure Aaron had a bright future ahead and could go live without him. To make sure that Nicky could go back to Erik without worry.

Before Neil, Andrew didn't believe he had anything to live for. He made a very one sided deal with Kevin to find something, anything, to build his life around after graduation, believing his brother would leave him alone once again.

Because at the heart of it all, Andrew doesn't want to die. Not really.

Andrew has chronic depression and he is suicidal. He sits on the edges of roof tops to feel. He puts his life on the line again and again with little regard for his own safety. He makes promises that put him at a severe disadvantage.

His promises are what keeps him alive, what forces him to live. Dying would break his promise, and Andrew has suffered enough from broken promises.

He doesn't want to die. He wants to survive those who beat him down. He wants to move on. He wants to get better. He wants to live.

He just doesn't know how.

bee tapping the table so andrew would stop hurting himself 😭 bee not being able to contain her joy when she finds out about andrew and neil 😭 bee getting all the milk and chocolate cuz she knows that andrew has a sweet tooth 😭 bee knowing andrew so well and caring so much about him she doesn't fear him, to the point he said they spent so much time together she became reckless with her questions 😭 bee hoping wymack would take care of her "most precious charge" 😭 bee being so, so proud of andrew for what he overcame 😭 bee not sending wymack away bc she doesn't want to make andrew feel unsafe 😭 bee being such a gentle being every one knows how much andrew appreciates her even if they don't understand it😭 bee watching a musical with andrew and wymack to distract andrew from what happened 😭 bee messaging andrew after the session™ saying she was happy for him 😭 bee and andrew texting each other regularly 😭 just mama bee

i found this and brb im crying again

art by @eeriethacus

Today I had a dream about Andrew Minyard's inner monologue about his abuse and at the end he said: "maybe she wouldn't have sunken her claws so deep into me if I hadn't been so eager to rebel"

And then I woke up and cried.

…Andrew and Neil moved like they were caught in each other’s gravity, in each other’s space more than they were out of it, cigarette smoke and matching armbands and lingering looks when one fell out of orbit for too long…

imagine the foxes doing a tiktok challenge or something after a game and when they're getting out of the locker rooms they get asked to name which teammate is the funniest and most of the foxes saying matt, or allison or nicky, but neil going like: 'andrew', without missing a beat, and then andrew going: 'me' all serious and done with that kind of stupid social media stuff (because neil always laughs at his jokes and he's the only audience he cares about), and everyone in the comments are like: 'are they joking right??' 'neil is messing with andrew because they hate each other lol', but actually, in neil's opinion, andrew IS the funniest person ever specially because he tells his jokes with the best poker face and has the same dark and twisted fucked up humor as he does 😂

anyways, I just imagined that video so clearly and I need a socmed fic with this scenario now 😭

For the record, Neil will do as he's told by others because compliance gets him what he wants. His obedience is fueled solely by ulterior motive.

But Neil will do as he's told by Andrew because Andrew Said So. His obedience is fueled by trust and pretty eyes.

Andrew and Neil are two freakishly observant people. And yet they lose themselves in each other.

Andrew and Neil don’t believe in the concept of love. And yet they devote the rest of their lives to one another.

Andrew and Neil are not generally giving people. And yet they give unfiltered pieces of themselves to each other.

Andrew and Neil are not trusting people. And yet trust is woven so deep into the fabric of their relationship it’s almost indistinct.

Andrew and Neil are not well-adjusted people. And yet they fought for and built the kind of well-adjusted relationship many people can only wish to have.

Andrew and Neil shouldn’t work in a romantic relationship, let alone with each other. And yet they go together like lightning and thunder goes together—just a fact of the universe.

So many of the foxes have sex related trauma.

Dan was a stripper as a minor. I imagine she was regularly harassed at work.

Renee was raped as a child.

Allison was being assaulted when Seth saved her.

Matt lost his virginity as a minor to a prostitute at one of his dad’s parties and let his dad’s friends use him when he was high. He might not consider it rape but I (and the law) do.

Kevin didn’t really have a choice to consent when Riko decided that he and Kevin were going to lose their virginity to Lydia. Plus Riko was in the room for Kevin and Thea’s first time.

Nicky was sent to camp for being gay.

Andrew was raped as a child and an adult.

Neil was beaten by his mother for just kissing a girl.

The only ones I don’t think have anything mentioned are Aaron and Seth.

How cute would it be if Andrew notices Neil getting all blushy and flustered when Andrew blocks impossible shots and just goes above and beyond as a goalie.

So he actually starts doing it on purpose when Neil's around just to get that reaction (and ego stroke and Neil pampering him after as a reward for being the best goalie ever, he pampers Andrew anyway but Andrew being great at Exy gets some favourable reactions from him and Andrew likes that). Everyone's thrilled cause Andrew is not only trying but actually playing at an insane level (even if it's just to make his boyfriend swoon).

The downside is if Neil has to miss practice, Andrew practically sits in the goal and sulks uncaring.

At one point Andrew actually broke Exy records during a game. He will probably enter the exy hall of fame for how he defended the goal that night.

Why?

Cause a few weeks before the game Kevin showed them highlights from the other team and Neil went on and on about how amazing their goalie was, he meant nothing by it other than one player showing respect for another players game.

And Andrew said nothing but went very still. Then that night humiliated the whole team, but especially that asshat goalie who can't hold a candle to him. Mission accomplished Neil barely remembered the other dudes name too busy fawning and fanboying over the way Andrew played.

Kevin is conflicted cause yes Andrew is trying but as Kevin's best friend can Andrew not turn his moms sport into a werid sex thing with Neil?

I genuinely love Neil's "I'm fine" bit so much because in his fucked up mind, he actually is fine. To him, a broken nose or smth is miles better than having to jump out of a moving car because the alternative is getting killed. And it takes so long for him to realise that even the Foxes don't have that kind of filter.

All good things come in threes cause Jean Moreau is about to have:

3 books

3 love interests (Kevin, Renee and Jeremy)

3 best friends (Neil, Cat and mystery Trojan)

3 dead abusers (Riko, Grayson, Tetsuji/Zane)

andrew is so real for thinking neil is a hallucination cos now that we have outsider pov on him it's actually insane that he's a real person. like this is neil josten: he's the prettiest boy you've ever met. he's the runaway son of a serial killer. he has a million dollars but is afraid of spending money. he folds his clothes a specific way so he can tell when someone's gone through his stuff. he keeps a stalker's journal on the two greatest exy players of all time. he wears coloured contacts and they're brown. he paid a busboy $100 to knock him out cold. he insulted a celebrity athlete on live tv after trying to keep a low profile. he says he's trying to stay alive while running towards death like it's a race. he mouths off to the mafia. he respects your boundaries and is the first person ever to take you at face value and not consider you an out of control psychopath. he orders hits on your abusers. he has the most electric blue eyes you've ever seen. he looks great in clubbing clothes but dresses like he's homeless. he insults someone for their "intricate and endless daddy issues" while his father is a convicted mobster and serial killer. he didn't give a fuck when his teammate was killed. everyone seems to like him even though it's clear he's hiding a million secrets. he doesn't catch on to the many many hints you're giving him. he calls you out not for being a danger to others but for being a danger to yourself. he thinks you should be protected as well as trusting you to protect him (and you think, how can someone be a victim and a protector?). he doesn't give a flying fuck what literally anyone thinks about him. he comes back from being waterboarded and tortured and abused for weeks (to protect you) and is still as feisty and bitchy as before. except now he's a redhead and has many more scars. he is possibly the first person to ever make the active decision to protect you. he's willing to put himself in harm's way again and again and again so he won't lose you. he always has a cigarette but he never smokes. he says "you're not actually a sociopath are you?" and "the next time someone calls you soulless i might have to fight them". even though he's messy and a little oblivious he's sees you. he might be the only person to ever want you off your drugs. he wants to see you lose control, is aware that you're not out of control, you're actually so controlled and restrained all of the time and he wants to see you feel something, he wants you to be angry, be angry at him. he riles you up on purpose to see you show emotion, feel something. he's a runner and yet he's still possibly the bravest person you've ever met. he gets kidnapped and comes back even more bruised and battered than before and he's still a mouthy little shit who bitches at the press and cuts deals with the yakuza. he's most of the reason why the worst team in the nation ends up winning championships. he shoves a guy clean off his feet because they body checked you. he punched celebrity athlete riko moriyama in public, for you. he threatens him, for you. he's almost killed on live tv. he mouths off to the fbi. he watches the (second) best exy player in the world get shot. he also watches his father, notorious serial killer and gangster, get shot in front of him. and he laughs. he smiles. he kisses you and is never gonna run again and he's free and he wants to be with you, he wants you.

Just occurred to me that during the Revelation Scene, Neil says "you like me" instead of "you're attracted to me" and I'm wondering if it's because in his lil demisexual brain, the only way he could reasonably articulate his understanding of the situation wasn't "you wanna fuck me" but instead "you enjoy my existence" because "blowjob" held very little value or interest to him but "positive regard" absolutely did and I just-

(The Raven King, ch.14)

This one line lives in my head rent-free. Neil may be antagonistic, but he never hated Aaron. He wanted him to be happy from the beginning.

AFTG is Well Written: a Masterlist

Many people have said the book series All For The Game by Nora Sakavic is badly written. However, I believe it is not. To prove this, I made a compilation of posts that explain why the books are meticusly crafted and amazingly written.

*disclaimer: I'm not claiming the books are perfect or have no mistakes, it is impossible for any book to be that way, I'm just saying that it's not even half as bad some people claim it to be

Plot

Why The King's Men's plot structure is genius

In defense of AFTG crazy plot

Characters

MCs and trauma responses by @skydaemon

Mirrors of eachother by @sirandking

Riko and Neil parallels by @notlacrosse

Jean: Number, name and the narrative by @owlarchimedes

Metaphors/Symbolisms

Characters and their respective chess metaphor

Number symbolims in AFTG by @darkblueboxs with additions by @whydamnitwhy

Writing style

Conveying feelings by @lochenfreh

Here by @joejhang

The reason for the simplistic language by @afurtivecake

Neil/Nathaniel switch by @obsessing-over-fictionn

General

Here by deactivated account

The reason why people tend to think the book are bad by @thetamingofspike

Here by @the-foxhole-clutter

If I'm forgetting something or you know a post that could fit in this masterlist, share it pls!

As someone who is also touch averse a lot I just can’t stop thinking about Andrew. Like a popular head cannon is that he reads a lot.. and like couples are always cuddling or casually touching in books and shows, and I’m just thinking about him seeing that and seeing Neil and just, having such intense bursts of wanting to do that. But then when thinking about actually doing it it’s immediate revulsion… anyways just projecting once again onto my favs… but I think of Andrew a lot

Hello Friend I have so many thoughts and I'm actively vibrating with the opportunity to talk about this hold on

I'm like,,, both. I am touch averse AND touch starved for a Encyclopedia of reasons. Details aren't important but the result is “I wanna be held but I'm doubly scared of being hurt and also of being rejected therefore I shall stand here and stare at you really really hard and hope somewhere within you is a desire to hold me and no desire to harm or leave and maybe this time my body won't revolt maybe this time or this time or this time or”

And look, despite my crippling desire to be Objective in my literary analysis of Andrew and Neil and Jean and all my other beloved Foxes and Floozies I KNOW good and well that I project on them anyway so like,,,

I imagine Andrew as having those Bursts of Wanting just like you described, but he's often able to dismiss them.

With Nicky he doesn't concern himself with boundaries enough to be safe that way. Nicky has to be reminded of boundaries at knife point sometimes while Neil has to be told only once (and that's if he didn't already infer them himself).

With Aaron there's too much barbed wire between them to be safe that way. Aaron has been so hurt by Andrew that some resentment might poke out even when he does try to reach out, while Neil holds zero resentment towards Andrew even for things Andrew actually did to him! Neil mastered the art of Letting That Shit Go For The Sake Of Moving Forward while on the run with Mary - doing it with Andrew is a cake walk.

Kevin is so self absorbed and Exy centric that even the ways he wishes to express his love and care for others is filtered through the lens of what HE thinks is Right and Good and Safe and that's not safe enough for someone who wants to be considered in their own right without any qualifiers, while Neil will look at Andrew and even his own opinions on the matter get reduced to secondary considerations in the face of What Andrew Said. He might still express his opinion but he values Andrew's comfort and safety often more than his own opinions.

It's easy to shut down the Wanting when it arises because of others since the Cons are obvious and plentiful.

I'm betting that's part of the reason the Burst Of Wanting is so much MORE when directed at Neil because,,, the cons are, what? That Neil might die? That's everyone sweetheart, the fragility of humanity is the ever present Sword of Damocles hanging over everyone's endeavor for intimacy and connection, join the club in our inexorable march onwards ever onwards.

But the other shit, those other cons… Neil took care of those already. Neil honors Andrew's boundaries. Neil would hurt himself to keep from hurting Andrew. Neil actively tries to see things from Andrew's perspective instead of coloring everything with his own Bias Crayons. I'm not saying Neil is Perfect In Every Way, but on all perceivable accounts, Neil is safe. Safe to Want. Safe to Reach For. Safe to Touch.

Safe to Be Touched By.

How fucking scary is that?

Andrew looks at Neil, feels that Burst of Want followed by that stomach pitted drop of Fear like standing on a rooftop edge and fucking,,, what is he meant to do with that??? What is he supposed to do about Neil’s siren song of Safety??? Give in to it??? Body says No. Brain says No. Heart says Yes but we don't listen to that bitch, they don't get a vote.

But then the Brain starts getting convinced. And then the Body starts getting convinced. And then the Heart started revolting against their cage. And Andrew is sitting there like… are you so fucking for real right now?

And then Neil asks “Yes or no?” And then Neil accepts “Nothing” at face value. And then Neil accepts “I hate you” like it was a gift. Like Andrew is a gift.

What is a man to do then?

Of course we can't stop thinking about Andrew.

Projecting onto your favs again? Me too Bestie. Me too.

the biggest thing i took away from the short stories is how much andrew minyard cares about people. he signed onto the foxes to give aaron a chance at college. he went through with the kit to give aaron a legitimate chance at trial. he gave neil the armbands so that he wouldn’t have to look at his scars all the time. he constantly sacrifices himself for others so much so that he ends up harming himself sometimes. andrew minyard, who still gets called heartless when he has one of, if not the biggest, hearts in the series.

You know I get it.

Is one of anyone else's favorite scenes in aftg that chapter in The Kings Men where the team is on the drive to Binghamton and Neil spends the entire second half of the trip talking to Andrew. Like:

Neil wanting to sit and talk exy with the rest of the team but that would mean Andrew would be left alone in the back of the bus.

Neil staring and not knowing what it was he found so interesting (beautiful) about Andrew's figure.

Neil calling Andrew just so Andrew would look at him and he'd be able to better study him. (And not being embarrassed or thinking anything of it because he is just admiring Andrew and he sees nothing wrong with that)

The whole "I knew I’d look out for only me when the world went to hell. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to go back for you.” conversation AND ANDREW GIVING IN

Neil talking about his life and all the places he's been and Andrew talking about his life after foster care (just the fact that they had this conversation with each other that they won't willingly have with anyone else)

ANDREW NEVER TAKING HIS EYES OR ATTENTION OFF NEIL AND LETTING HIM RAMBLE

I love something about Andrew being the one who tells Neil everyone is betting on his sexuality.

NEIL SAYING HE DOESNT SWING AND NEVER WILL BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON HE WANTS IS ANDREW, followed by Andrew's "don't say stupid things", AND THEN FOLLOWED WITH NEIL'S "stop me" AND KISS (that he initiated)

Everything about this little portion of the chapter I love so much.

Imagine you had the hardest last few weeks of your life. Everything you know is falling apart and you couldn’t even get out of bed because of your injuries. You were transferred to another team without much of a choice once again. You get to an airport to be greeted by the captain of said team and the man is PLAYING WITH A YOYO. I would’ve offed myself like my god

exy twitter (neil josten: pr nightmare au)

Neil knows love exists because Andrew is full of it. He sees it when Andrew cooks two different batches of pancakes, one batch being regular and the other chocolate chip, because he knows Neil doesn’t like sweets.

He sees it when Andrew specifically puts sticky notes on the wall next to their front door because he knows Neil is likely to see them and be reminded of things he needs to do that day.

He sees it when he and Andrew drive hours to listen to Aaron give his valedictorian speech at his university graduation.

And he feels it when Andrew cradles his head in the dead of night and reminds him who he is. Saying:

“You are Neil Josten, a nuisance with a smart mouth. And you are home.”

number symbolism in aftg

kevin's bday being 22 + 22 ravens when evermore was shut down + 22 of neil's names and cities

andreil jersey numbers adding up to 13. baltimore happened on 10/3.

renees jersey number being 9 - stephanie being renee's 9th foster home

jeans jersey being 29 for kevin (2) and renee (9) and jeremy (2+9=11)

riko's perfect court fell after number 4 (四 ie, 死 (death))

neil's 10 is the mirror image of riko's 01

Neil strikes me as the kind of person that just like doesn’t blush. Like yeah sure he may get embarrassed a little at the Foxes’ dropped jaws when yet another pop culture reference flys over his head, but he’s so desensitized to things most people can’t fathom that I feel like he would never get flustered enough for his skin to flush.

But. Maybe it does happen sometimes.

Like when Neil complains that he feels like his feet are gonna fall off after night practice and Andrew just. picks him up. Bridal style with a deadpan face and bored eyes like he picks Neil up all the time. And Neil’s face goes red in seconds because he’s never been picked up and it was Andrew doing the picking up.

Or when Andrew shampoos his hair in the shower and takes great care not to get any shampoo in his eyes and Neil pinks at the sweetness that Andrew will deny later.

Or when Andrew insists on Neil actually using the curling gel Allison got him because his frizzy curls extend “a mile off his head”. Neil blushes when Andrew comes into the bathroom with him (cause he knows fuck all about taking care of his hair) and stares while he applies fumbles with the gel.

TLDR, I like the idea that Andrew is the only one that can truly fluster Neil and Neil is the only one who can fluster turn Andrew’s ears slightly red in turn.