Latest Posts by xxsadist0nexx - Page 7

And I don't want to be okay. I'm used to it.

Fucking hell I’m not okay

I never was

Hi can someone please just kill me? Like, right now?

never related so much.

Can someone please just fucking kill me already

He left

He did exactly he said he will never do. He left too. He told me he is tired of me constantly crying and being 'filmy'. I asked him to leave he did and he blamed me for that he said that he is leaving because I told him to. What the fuck could I do? He was tried of me.

I relapsed today..

everythings just been getting worse and worse. i couldn’t take the empty feeling in my chest any longer. i picked up one of my old blades and it took away all the sadness i felt:/. i feel happy n at peace now… things really are getting worse.

itchy sweater

some people in life have an itchy sweater. a person that they would be better without but they would be uncomfortable. your friends don’t like the itchy sweater and say it smells and it makes you look ugly. even though you may be better off getting rid of the itchy sweater you don’t because you’ve had it for so long you don’t know how life would be without it. it creates a sense of false comfortability because you know it’s not good for you but you continue to wear the itchy sweater. the itchy sweater knows they irritate you and emit negativity but due to your bond, you will never leave the itchy sweater and the itchy sweater will never leave you.

i’m actively suicidal and i really can’t see why that’s a bad thing

Take the blade away from me

I am a freak, I am afraid that

All the blood escaping me won’t end the pain

Bad Flower // Ghost

hey, you

yes you

listen to me

you are worth it

you’re worth all the effort someone may have to put in

you’re worth the doctors visits and the copays

you’re worth late night phone calls and hugs when you fall apart

you’re worth whatever it takes

you’re worthy of life

i know you probably won’t believe me

but i swear to you it’s true

i love you

please please message me if you need anything

it doesn’t have to be me but reach out

someone can help

there’s always someone willing to help

and you deserve it

I don’t want to hurt them

I never did

Is there really any meaning

to this thing we call living?

I've tried it once and samee

you know what i find interesting? those stories about suicide survivors that say they realized every one of their problems could be solved without suicide as they were attempting (and obviously failed). they were glad to have failed, and use this to encourage others not to commit suicide.

but for me, i’ve personally attempted twice. I’ve only felt even sadder that I didn’t die. so yea, pretty much guaranteed that suicide is what it’s gonna be for me.

tw

why the fuck does it hurt so much in the shower

“And all I want to do is make you happy, but I can’t even do that right.”

TW really deep dark thoughts..

I want to recover… but I’m too scared. I want to eat… but I’m too scared. I want to live… but I’m too scared. I’m just too scared of the thought of gaining weight. Of showing myself out there in the world. I want to hide. I want to silently vanish away somehow.. yet I know that that isn’t possible. I’m in a constant fight in my own brain. As if there’s a own dark world in there where there’s pure chaos but also pure silence. Its like a dark neighbourhood at night and i walk through it but it’s so mf silent but it’s that scary type of silence where you know the next second something’s gonna happen. That terrifying type of silence. Where you don’t get a single second to breathe and relax. Always on the run. As if there’s something constantly behind you hunting you. THATS my brain.. I’m not living unless I feel.. pain. I’ve been in a constant numb mode where I just can’t cry. Even if I try and want to. I can’t. Fucking. Cry. When all I want is to have a good cry to let it all out. Instead, it develops into anger against myself and that’s when selfharm and starvation happily Hand in hand enter and punish me. For what? Existing???? What is this bullshit… I’m getting to a point where I don’t think I will ever be able to recover. I want to… but I’m just too… scared. Because all these dark thoughts are so damn familiar and in a way comforting bc it’s all I know. I wish I could experience the good. The happiness. The warmth and light so I can find comfort in there instead..

Relapsed

I relapsed today. I was almost a week clean. I relapsed for a stupid peice of shit who doesn't give a fuck and can never understand me but I expect them to do so. I'm such an idiot. I keep getting myself hurt

Why do I always come back to this

I’m such. A fucking. Failure.

Same (":

0 days clean,, once again,,

It counts as self harm. If you scratch yourself on purpose but its only a red bulge it still counts as sled harm.

When I’m anxious I chew the skin on my fingers, sometimes it bleeds, sometimes it bleeds a lot. I can never quite figure out if it counts or not

Could never relate more

I just realized that I don’t know how to fucking love myself. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever said.