4w5 - Blog Posts
Sunbeams swam across the horizon, but you nurtured a pounding wound inside your chest. You just walked away, but could barely stretch your fists at them. No you were not kind ,you were agonized. You eventually learnt to grow flowers in your eyes and creepers in your ribs and kept rowing through the same eras our ancients trailed.
Her Schrödinger's Cat, Seventh Insight
Truth is,
You will never be unconditionally loved,
Be it in any way of your life,
Even the yellow leaf will love you,
Till you're the reason it has shed.
And thats the time, guilt and innocence,
Belong to the same labyrinth.
Afterlife:~
As the blinking lights turned pale,
And pulse rate slowly failed
to evoke a wave of life,
Her eyelids, remained open under the light;
Her lips, breathed its last,
With her skin and blue veins, fading lifeless, fast.
Her last she could see, her last she could hear,
Great darkness engulfing her,
Her family screaming in tears.
A heavenly peace, taking over her terrestrial body,
Her pain melt away, shes now a dead old lady.
A beam of light, from somewhere afar,
Taking her soul away, glowing brighter and brighter.
She approached close, and the light showed her,
A life she had received,never lived so far.
Before her she sees a child,
Screaming in tears,
"None but her!", hardly she exclaims in joy,
Her heart dropped, looking at the broken toy,
Her favourite one, she held it so dearly,
No toy could surpass, the broken doll's beauty.
Again, being taken aback by the light,
She faces a thirteen year old,
With eyes glowing bright.
She was amazed by her new nose piercing,
She forgot how she scarred herself, silently bleeding.
Soon she was placed before her adult self,
She met a lady in thirtie's,
Disappointed she felt,
As she was too obssesed with a perfect marriage,
She missed her daughter's first walk,at a tender age.
Shifting back, at that deep darknees again,
She sees a mirror, and a wretched reflection starring,
She meets an old lady, filled with regrets,
Regrets of never living a life, that
she was gifted.
All her life she spent on perfections,
Crying over things, out of her
ambitions.
Chasing the unreachable, she never lived the life,
Her mind was clouded with
"If"s and "why"s.
Old lady at reflection,laments her biggest regret,
The unrelished life of discontent, slowly faded.
What is defeat?
If not being the same kind of person you used to hate, and never wanted to be?
What is defeat?
If not being hated and looked down upon, by yourself?
What is deafeat?
If not being surrounded by the wrong people your entire life, thinking what is possibly wrong about you?
Truth hurts---
So does healing.
I hope you know,
How many people loved you so silently,
Even you didn't notice, how their breathe was
Falling upon you, like heaven's grace,
Like every blessing.
And if knew, I certainly hope
You wouldn't want to stop living this young.
One such controversial yet selfish lookout of mine about life is, if it reaches its fullest potential or completion, through the involvement of others. Is it going to be incomplete, if we refuse to live for others? Is it going to be devoid of such potential, if we live for and validate ourselves, taking up things to understand and make ourselves joyful in a neutrally harmless manner, opposing the nature's law of, nourishing the upcoming. I claim my life revolvs around me, and me only. It is prooved so, I was born alone, and I'll die such. My life, will not end with the death of near ones, the ticking of my life will end with my death, my life is mine only, and it will not go in vain if i fail to be involved with others as much as I'm involved with myself I believe.
Losing lovable people who were worth living for, might bring misery, but life goes on.
Life goes on, certain people kill themselves if their loved ones die. Might be because, the idea of 'life goes on' without their loved ones, is the one that burns and stings inside the most. Its not only the absence of their loved ones that hurt, but the horrifying idea of their life "just going on" without their person. It's because their life, a keen parasite will choose to end with them. Neither before, nor after.
The more you grow up the more you understand, you can't be straightforward everywhere, you don't have to sugercoat things, but you need to tell truth in a way it hurts less. Logic isn't everything and some stages make us emotional. It's not people's fault that they're stupid or doesn't agree with your logic. They've lived a life very different than yours, their pattern of right or wrong with yours will match rarely or maybe later. The more you grow up, the more you ask for the things that you never loved to see in people.
《■》Have you ever felt the present to be so hellish and empty, that you start reminiscing the past, as if it was the only time you've been happy, only heaven you used to live in.
It would be such a pity to think, how we search through the scatterred pieces of our childhood or the blurred out teenage, to live the time once again, when we used to be truly happy, when there were large room for dreams?《■》
Picture: pinterest
● The fact is, we often fail from the aspect of our greatest humanistic ability to build, communicate, and comprehend through the languages we build, only when a single line of a poetry or a simple muse, explain and understand us in such a perfectly satisfying way, that we couldn't ever do in all these years.●
《¤》●This is it, whatever it is that's hard for you to let go, your missed opportunities, people you had to let go of when you were in love, toxicities, your failures, things that killed you, it all starts and ends here. Nothing matters as our cycle of humanity is locked inside terrestrially and there are things far beyond the galaxies, lightyears and our sight. Clusters of stars miles and miles away from this Earth, where you die with your heartaches.
● What you gained or missed, nothing matters. You end here where you started from, but there are things far beyond this place, too massive for us that we're merely existent, too dark to be explained, bodies of questions where nothing about us matters.
● For a moth born in a jar, the roof of the jar is everything it knows and fears to cross, and an illusion of truth. 《¤》●
☆~Does the universe create a Supernova, when somewhere lightyears away in a planet, its child fall apart and the sadness inside her, break and collide with each other? When the memories burst her heart inside and out, do the stars collide with each other there too,creating a black hole, resembling the void inside her? Or has it been eternally resilent? For I've felt the stardusts in my lungs everytime I cry.☆~
I think I’m done trying to be everyone else’s versions of who I am. We all perceive this world differently. I just want to see me from my own lens for once. I’m tired of fitting everyone else’s mold of perfection. What if my way is the right way for me. Your way is the right way for you. Why won’t we embrace our differences too? Let me be. You continue to be you.
-Illustratum Paradoxon
They are literally talking about me. 😂 Also I AM a special snowflake. We ALL are! So I don’t feel bad for wanting to be treated like one! 💕 😛
-Illustratum Paradoxon
Little Enneagram 4 things
• car rides through the mountains with music. Don’t talk to me. I’m going to listen to music the entire time. Probably imagining and daydreaming.
• movie soundtracks
• Pinterest. Boards for stories you’re writing. Aesthetic boards for favorite book series. Boards for adaptations of your favorite books. Aesthetic boards in general. Boards for certain moods. Boards for certain memories. Boards for nostalgia. Boards that feed your interal daydreamings. Boards for quotes. And all of them are secret.
• I can’t do X until the atmosphere is right. Aka: I can’t do work on my computer until my room is picture-perfect. I can’t read until I have some hot drink and a blanket with me. Maybe a candle, too.
• “Does hot chocolate go with the book I’m reading? No, tea would be better.”
• rescuers. It’s not that I’m incapable, it’s just that I long for companionship carrying all this emotion and deep thinking. If you have a strong, confident, caring, CALMING personality I’m going to stick to you like glue because I NEED that in my life.
• keeping track of favorite quotes from books, movies, etc.
• did I mention daydreaming
• being extremely interested in Enneagram and other personality stuff partially because it’s talks about what makes you unique
• having so many thoughts that you have to write them down somehow to not lose them, and also having anxiety that you’re going to lose them because they’re important
• nostalgia
• being ashamed that your personality type is characterized by a need to feel like a special snowflake but also recognizing that it’s exactly true and hating yourself a little for it
• things have aesthetics. Vacations have aesthetics. Months have aesthetics. Music has aesthetics. Movies have them. Books have them. Friends have them. You don’t need to make a mood board or anything for them. They just have them. They exist in your brain attached to an aesthetic.
• I need. Time to be alone. Please give it to me, I promise it will be better for both of us
• if I trust you with my problems, prepare yourself for an emotional, deeply thought out deluge of personal history from the depths of my being
Um. Do I laugh or cry? It’s accurate. 🤷🏻♀️ 😏
Therapist: I believe you said that your childhood experience was satisfactory?
Four: No, you misheard me, I said it was ‘sadness factory’.
👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼
