Cassie Clare - Blog Posts
Jem: Well, I did warn you
Will: Yes
Jem: But did you listen?
Will: No
Jem: Do you ever listen?
Will: No
Jem: Are you listening now?
Will: … no
Jem: Are you staring at my arse right now?
Will: N- yes
Jem: …
Will: In my defense it’s a nice arse.
Tessa: Hey, do you have a bag I can borrow?
Will: The only bags I have are the ones under my eyes and they’re specifically designed to carry the burden of my entire existence.
Tessa: … literally all you had to do was say no.
Gabriel: If you had to go on a date with anyone of us, who’d you choose?
Jem: No way
Tessa, blushing: I’m not answering that…
Will: Jem
Everyone: …
Will: oH- nO waY, i’M NoT anSweRinG tHat!
Thomas: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me
Matthew: Okay, but in my defense, James bet me 3 pounds that I couldn’t drink all the shampoo
Thomas: That’s not what I wanted to-
Thomas: You drank SHAMPOO?
[TLH Group Chat]
Lucie: Hey guys, if you post your password in the groupchat it’ll block out!
Lucie: *******
Lucie: See?
Cordelia: That’s so cool!
Cordelia: *****
Matthew: heronchild4ever69
Matthew:
[Matthew has left the chat]
Simon: Hey, what is your greatest fear?
Alec: Losing a loved one
Simon: That’s deep…
Simon: … mine is the kool aid man, but I feel kinda stupid about it now
James: Aww, you’re so romantic, lighting candles for me
Grace, drawing a pentagram: I’m about to sacrifice you, if you haven’t noticed yet.
Matthew, violently shaking: I DON’T UNDERSTAND, I’VE FED THEM, WATERED THEM, WHY ARE THEY DEAD?!
James: Matthew, please put the fertilizer down, you’re scaring us.
Tessa: I wonder where we will be in twenty years
Will: Dead
Tessa: Let’s think positive!
Jem: We will all have a nice house-
Will: … 6 feet under ground
Kit: *crying* You’ve failed me. I thought I could trust you. Once again, I’ve been left homeless. After all I’ve done for you!
Mina:
Jem:
Tessa: I think we should stop playing monopoly…
Will, rolling down the car window: What seems to be the problem, officer?
Cop: Get the FUCK out of my car!
Mark: Hi, I’ve stolen your identity and I’ve been living as you for a week.
Julian: …
Mark: [starts crying]
Julian: [hugging him] hey, it’s okay…
Mark: [loud sobbing] How do you even get up in the morning?
Julian: Shh, I know, I know. It’s gonna be okay.
Modern Lucie x Jesse
[texting]
Jesse: Hi, who is this? Grace was bored and changed all my contacts to mythical creatures.
Lucie: What’s mine?
Jesse: Dwarf
Lucie: SHE’S SO MEAN I’M NOT THAT SHORT!
Jesse: Oh, hi Lucie
Lucie: FUCK
Charles: Whenever I’m mad at Matthew I tighten the lids on all of our jars so that he has to ask me for help…
*sound of glass shattering, screaming from distance*
Charles: It hasn’t worked yet…
Clave member: Now we’re going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I’ll ask you a few questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Charles: Yes
*lie detector explodes*
Julian: It's really cold outside.
Kit: Just like my heart.
Julian: Now is not the time to debate which one of us is more dead inside.
Charlotte: Let’s spice things up
Henry: But I’m allergic to chilli
Charlotte: I meant in the bedroom
Henry: It doesn’t matter in what room we eat, Lottie, I’m still allergic to chilli
Gabriel: Did you know you stole something from me when we met yesterday?
Cecily: Sorry, I’ll return your wallet.
Gabriel: You stole my hea- wait, you did what?
Kit: I thought I was meowing back to church for the past few hours
Kit: Turns out it was just Jem and I meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.
Police Officer: Turn around
Matthew: 🎵 Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round 🎵
Police Officer: TURN AROUND
Matthew: 🎵 Every now an-
Matthew: *gets tased*
Jem: I just wish you would admit that you made a mistake
Will, stirring salt into his tea: No, I like it like this!
Kit: Come on guys, let’s just hug it out!
Jem, Tessa, Mina and Kit: [struggle into group hug]
Jem: Ok, who took my wallet?
Kit: Sorry
Will: [pours salt in Jem’s tea]
Jem: [sips tea]
Will:
Jem: [finishes tea]
Will: … didn’t the tea taste weird?
Jem: Well, yes. But I didn’t want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.
Will, tearing up: Okay
Matthew: WELCOME TO FUCKING APPLEBEE’S, DO YOU WANT APPLES OR BEES?
Alastair: … Bees?
Matthew: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES!
Alastair: Wait...
James, approaches them as he shakes a jar of bees: 😊
Alastair: wAit-
At a restaurant
Cecily: Hey, are you single?
Gabriel, blushing: Y- Yes, I am.
Cecily: [takes away the extra chair in front of him]
Cecily: Thanks
Christopher: I’m scared
Gabriel: Your mom said to go to bed.
Christopher: But there’s a monster under my bed!
Gabriel: Is it scarier than your mom?
Christopher:
Christopher: *goes back to bed*
Anna: Yo, is that guy sleeping or dead?
Matthew: Hopefully dead, I hated that guy.
James: Yeah, so did I.
Alastair, laying on the floor: First of all, fuck you all-
Jem: Ok, Will, I know you mean well and everything, but please stop being a little bitch. We need to work together!
Will: Will do. But only if you take off your shirt for me.
Jem:
Jem: Weird flex but okay
Tessa: You are an ADULT, Will. It’s your job to keep our children from making stupid decisions like this!
Will: That is true…
Will: … but I was also really curious to see how many donuts James and Lucie can eat in one minute.