Will [every time he’s broke]: I’d be an amazing prostitute
Jace: you see, I just realized I have two ears so it’s a waste to listen to just one thing.
Alec: let me get this straight
Alec: you’ve only just realized you have two ears?
Will: How do you always know when I’m sad?
Jem: Well, you look sad and you haven’t said anything mean to Gabriel for like 3 hours.
Jem: Oh, and you’re wearing a button that says “I’m sad, ask me why.”
Charlotte: Will, the assignment was to bring something important to you
Will: Yes, and I did!
Charlotte: I meant an object, not Jem
Kit: Why is helping someone hide a body the standard for true friendship?
Kit: Look, if you’re in trouble, I’ll lie to the cops for you. I’ll dispose of evidence. Whatever.
Kit: But please I am begging you, do not make me dig a hole. That sounds so hard.
Dru: *Stares blankly*
😂❤
James: Please tell me I’m imagining that I got drunk and claimed I was the King of All Ducks.
Matthew: I would, but then I’d be lying to the King of All Ducks.
So maybe I don’t have muscles, or hair in certain places and sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes I leave it on! ‘Cause dang it, top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason! They’re catchy!
Kit Herondale, probably
Jesse, blushing: So, I guess we are boyfriend and girlfriend now
Lucie: Only on one condition
Jesse: What?
Lucie: I get to be the girlfriend
James: Did you miss me?
Matthew: I always miss you. 24/6.
James: Why not 24/7?
Matthew: I worship Oscar Wilde on Sundays.
Lucie: Once, when I was younger, I tried to start a gang.
Jesse: How did it go?
Lucie: It turned into a book club.
Jesse:
Lucie: Actually, it was just Mum, Dad, Jamie and me and Bridget used to make cookies.
Matthew: I would walk through fire for the Merry Thieves!
Matthew: Well, not FIRE because it’s dangerous, but like a super humid room
Matthew: Not too humid because… you know, my hair
Ty: Kit, please don’t pronounce “Hors D’oeuvres” as “horse divorce” ever again
Jem: Your stupidity simply goes too far
Will: THEN BUCKLE UP CAUSE I’M ABOUT TO GO FURTHER
Will: I don’t think we thought this through very well…
Jem: I could’ve told you that ten fuck-ups ago.
Kit: Not to brag
Kit: but I solved a puzzle in 2 weeks
Kit: and the box said 2-4 years
Ty:
Gabriel: Has anyone seen my wife?
Stranger: What does she look like?
Gabriel: Well, she has black ha-
Cecily, from a tree: BEAUTIFUL
James: Hey, uh, so I’ve been reviewing this itinerary and I don’t really get it.
James: Are you sure we should release 300 live doves indoors? Won’t that get kind of messy?
Matthew: That’s why we feed them glitter, Jamie.
*after a few dates with Cecily*
Gabriel: Gid, what do you think of Cecily?
Gideon: I think you should marry her, brother!
*later that day*
Gabriel: Well, I don’t know if I’ll regret this sooner or later, but I followed your advice and now I’m engaged to Will.
Christopher: I can’t believe that Britain is 1903 years old!
Matthew: You idiot, that’s how old Earth is
James: No way! :O
Matthew: I can’t believe you two didn’t know that!
Thomas, about to cry: They’re so fucking stupid
Raziel: Did you give Johnny Rook the bison as I told?
Angel: Wait, what?
Raziel: The bison, so that he can shoot it and get his anger issues out...?
Angel: The bi son...
Raziel: The bison...
Angel: Bi son
Raziel: B i s o n
Angel: B i - S o n
Christopher: I almost got surprise adopted yesterday
Thomas: What?
Matthew: He almost got kidnapped
Thomas: Oh, okay
Thomas: WAIT WHAT
Kit: Hello 911? My hands are both stuck in Pringles tubes… both hands, yes…
Kit: Look, it’s not important how I dialed the number, just send help... STOP LAUGHING
Gideon at 2 am: Sophie, wake up so we can discuss our love for each other
Sophie: By the angel, I love you so much!
vs.
Tessa at 2 am: Will, if you want to discuss how to exterminate all ducks on earth for good I’m leaving you.
Belial: I eat pieces of shit like you for BREAKFAST!
Thomas:
Matthew:
James:
Christopher, disturbed: … you eat pieces of shit?
Airport security: No liquids allowed
Matthew: oh, ok
Matthew: *starts gulping it down*
James: Uhh, Matthew, you don’t have to drink-
Matthew: *dedicated to finishing bottle*
Airport security: You know, usually people just leave the shampoo behind but what do I know…
Sophie: I keep a portrait of Gid in my purse.
Gideon: Really? I have a portrait of you in my wallet!
Tessa: Aww, that’s cute. Will keeps a portrait of Jem.
Will: He’s just so damn beautiful.
[TLH Group Chat]
Lucie: Hey guys, if you post your password in the groupchat it’ll block out!
Lucie: *******
Lucie: See?
Cordelia: That’s so cool!
Cordelia: *****
Matthew: heronchild4ever69
Matthew:
[Matthew has left the chat]
James: Aww, you’re so romantic, lighting candles for me
Grace, drawing a pentagram: I’m about to sacrifice you, if you haven’t noticed yet.
Matthew, violently shaking: I DON’T UNDERSTAND, I’VE FED THEM, WATERED THEM, WHY ARE THEY DEAD?!
James: Matthew, please put the fertilizer down, you’re scaring us.
Julian: It's really cold outside.
Kit: Just like my heart.
Julian: Now is not the time to debate which one of us is more dead inside.