Shadow Work - Blog Posts
Day 13:
Why do you think you don’t deserve love?
This question hit me so hard because this exact question crosses my mind every day. I feel like I have received the short end of the stick in this life and that love comes with terms and conditions. I feel like I have so much love bursting from inside of me and it has nowhere to go and it is eating me up from the inside.
But, at the end of the day, I feel like I do not deserve love because of how I look. I feel like I will never get the love I deserve because I do not love myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror out of spite because I do not like what is looking back. I wish more than anything that I could look like everyone else. I wish I were thinner and my arms weren't so huge.
I know that if I had the ideal body type, I wouldn't have to beg guys for attention. I know that if I were more appealing to look at I would be happy in love, ya'know?
But I also know that this is not true. I know that I have spent so long hating myself that it will take a lifetime to unlearn the negative self-talk and quiet my demons. Because if I continue thinking of myself this way, I know that that is how the universe will perceive me.
Day 12:
How do you feel about “love”?
Based on the toxic loveless marriage my parents had while I was growing up, I am very cynical when it comes to love. I believe that love might exist but it will never be the fairytale love that I have dreamed about since I was a child. I used to dream of finding someone who made me feel protected, wanted, and safe. But where I am now in life, I do not believe that that kind of love could exist.
But I wish it were different. I wish I was quick to fall in love and that I could see a future with someone but at the rate that I am going, I think that I will never find that person. There is still an inkling of hope that I will always have but I am more realistic when it comes to love.
I always say that I never want kids but that is not true. Somedays I want to be a mother so bad but I know that I will never be able to do it on my own. And I refuse to bring children into this world if they are forced to grow up in the same conditions that I did. I refuse to have kids with someone who will not take responsibility. I refuse to be with someone who was just like my father.
So, for now, I will continue protecting my peace until someone comes along who can change my mind.
Day 11:
What should you attract into your life?
I want to attract more positivity into my life. I myself want to be more positive about myself, my situation, and my life but I also want my surroundings to radiate positivity as well. I do not want to be surrounded by people who dwell in negativity because that will seep into my life. I already feel like I have something attached to me that bleeds me dry most days and surrounding myself by someone who digs that wound deeper is not what I need during this time.
And while I want to eliminate the negativity altogether, unfortunately, I am in a situation that leaves little room for positivity. I know that I should not be putting this into the universe but like I said, I feel like there is some sort of cosmic vengeance that hangs over me 24/7. It is a cruel joke most days if I am being honest, for everything to be going great and then have it all come crumbling down tenfold.
At some point, I think I want to perform a return-to-sender ritual because someone has to be wishing ill upon our whole family. There is just no way that we all have been dealt the nastiest cards if someone was not putting it into the universe.
Day 10:
What do you need to let go of?
I need to let go of the trauma my parents put me through. I need to let go of everything that happened to me growing up and instead become a better person because of it. I need to stop swearing off people, things, and opportunities because I am terrified of ending up like my parents.
My mom and dad were so toxic together that I used to hope that they would divorce but they "stayed together for the kids." But that is bullshit, they stayed together because it was easier and because they were selfish. And I look back and I refuse to ever go through that and because I am holding onto that I have been so scared to love that I have closed off completely. I think that I am unlovable.
I know that it is all in my head but there are so many years of watching my parents hate each other, makeup, abuse each other, dance, drink, and smoke themselves to death, and the cycle would just continue.
I do not want to fall into that cycle but I fear that I have created a whole new toxic cycle instead.
Day 9:
What do you need to stop running away from?
If there is one thing that I need to stop running from, it is change. I do not mean change around me because I am always open to learning new things and opening my mind but I mean change when it directly affects me. I hope and pray everyday to be a better version of myself but I never do anything to initiate it. At the moment, I am working out and trying to eat healthier but the little voices in my head are fighting hard and winning. I am trying to find new job opportunities and I am trying to get back to school and I am just overall trying to crawl out of this hole that I am in but I feel defeated.
Every time I think that I am finally getting somewhere, there is a new obstacle and I am so tired. I am so tired of just being and fighting and looking at others where things come so easily. I am not sure what I have done in this life or past ones but I want to change that and don't know how. I know I walked about comparing myself to others and how I need to stop that but in instances like this, it is so hard.
While this does affect me, I will not let it drag me down.
Day 8:
What do you hate about others? Why? What might that say about yourself?
Hate is such a strong word and I feel like there is so very little that I hate but if I had to categorize something, it would be the fact that people choose to hate others. What I am referring to is when people hate people who have to get abortions, people who are going through the journey of transition, people who fall in love with the same sex, or just people who choose to use their religion to spew hate.
I am in no way saying that people should all think one way because that would be ridiculous but at some point we have to stop letting hate rule our lives. If it is not hurting others, animals, or objectively morally wrong, I believe people should just be able to live their lives how they choose.
As for what that says about me, I think it just means that I am open-minded and mind my business, in general. There are always new things that I am learning every day and I will stumble every once in a while but I will never let hate ruin my heart. It is so toxic and I refuse to be someone that people dread to be around.
Day 7:
Do you hold grudges against others that could be let go? What’s your motive for holding onto them?
If there is one thing that I have begrudgingly learned from my late father, it is the ability to hold a grudge. Pride meant everything to him and as an adult, I am realizing that I am my father's daughter. There are friends who I am sure have matured and realized their mistakes but I am still stuck in the past. I am holding on to the thread and the memory of them screwing me over. It hurt my feelings to know that someone I loved at one point in time could negate my feelings entirely and purposely hurt me.
I think I hold onto them because I do not want them to ever happen to me again. I don't want to look like an idiot forgiving someone for continuously screwing me over. At the end of the day, while I am scared of being hurt, I am terrified of looking like a complete idiot. So, in turn, I hold onto things and they are always at the forefront of my mind.
I do truly hope to let go of those inhibitions one day and just let things come and go as the universe wishes it but I know I'll have to work hard to get there one day.
Day 6:
What irrational fears do you have and how do they hold you back?
One of my most irrational fears is that I am afraid to do things on my own. I know that I have mentioned this already but I am so scared to get out and be my own person that I self-sabotage every chance I get. I have been alone most of my life and I am scared that I am going to die alone. All I want and all I have ever wanted was to find someone to complete me and someone I can do things with. And I know that I should be happy on my own and that my self-worth should not rely on someone else but I am tired of feeling alone and unwanted.
I want my Goddess to place someone in my life that adds to it, not someone I rely solely upon. But again, I know that I have to find peace within in order to for all the pieces to fall into place. So, until then, I will try my best to love myself and fix the aspects of my life that I can.
Day 5:
In what ways are you inauthentic?
In most parts of my life, to be quite honest. There is so much that I put a front on for or just flat out lie about that sometimes it becomes too much. I lie about money, I lie about how I’m doing, and I lie about how I feel about myself and others.
Most days I agree to things because I don’t like the feeling of being left out but I literally can’t afford it. I’m too embarrassed to admit that I’m struggling right now. I need to start saying no.
I lie about how other actions don’t affect me. I lie because I don’t want them to know how much they’ve hurt me. My emotions have always been a touchy subject for me and that is something that I am working on as well. I need to learn how to express myself in a healthy way.
Day 4:
If you could get rid of one bad memory, what would it be and why?
The one memory I would get rid of is from the hospital the day my dad woke up after losing his voice. Not to make a horrible situation that happened to my dad all about me but that day was so very traumatic. I remember that they had told us that he had cancer from smoking cigarettes but I did not think it was going to be as bad as it was.
It was nighttime when he finally woke up and the room was packed to capacity with people checking up on him. But he woke up so frustrated and angry and all he was doing was grunting and trying to write. He was trying so hard to tell us what he needed and nothing would come out. It was the saddest moment of my life because he was a man who filled any room with his loud voice and laughter.
I remember that everyone around me was crying and that frustrated him even more. Every time he saw someone crying he would start banging things next to him. So instead of crying like everyone else around me, I stayed stoic. I tried my hardest to be the person he needed at that moment. I tried my best and I succeeded, but at what cost?
I mean here I am more than 10 years later and that memory still haunts me. The guilt still lingers.
I feel guilty because before he lost his voice he used to scream all the time. He used to scream so much that we thought his voice was hoarse from the yelling, not cancer. But it was too much for me; I remember I used to pray for him to stop screaming. I used to pray for some peace and quiet and when I finally had it, it was mortifying.
I can't remember his voice, I think that is the worst part.
He died in 2020 after they amputated both of his legs and told him they were going to have to take his arm too. He lived such a miserable life that I was so happy when he finally passed. He no longer had to suffer and neither did I. And while the death certificate is only 3 years old, I truly believe that the day he lost his voice is the day he died inside.
Day 3:
What do you love most about yourself?
The thing that I love the most about myself, physically, is my smile. I am biased but I think that I have an awesome smile. I have never had braces and my teeth are perfectly straight and I have dimples on each side. My smile is something that I am extremely grateful for because I know that if I had needed braces when I was younger, my parents would not have been able to afford them. I like to joke that it is the best thing that my parents have given me to date.
The thing that I love the most about myself, internally, is that I am adaptable. I can mold myself to almost any situation and I always try my best not to complain. If I am thrust into a scenario where I do not know anyone, I will mingle and make friends as I go. It is a daunting feeling because it forces me to step out of my comfort zone but I can't remember a time where I have ever regretted it.
I have plenty of insecurities but these are the two things I am confident about.
Day 2:
What do you need more of in your life?
Based on recent reflections, I really feel like my life could use more independent adventure. There is so much that I have held back from because I feel too embarrassed to do it on my own and I want to change that.
I want to be more adventurous and I am tired of waiting around for people to do things when all I need is myself. I refuse to live in solitary because the mean little voices in my head are telling me people are silently judging me.
So, this will be a list of things I need and need to do in my life:
Kayaking.
Go to a concert.
Bike ride.
Visit a national park.
Go to the beach.
Get a tattoo.
Travel to a different city.
Go camping.
Go on a cruise.
Visit a bookstore.
This is just a small list of things that I want to get to one day but I will be adding to this list and scratching off as the year goes on. I feel like in order to stay more accountable I will be writing a brief text post about the experience.
Day 1:
How does the feeling of envy show up in your life?
For me, envy shows up in the sense of self-doubt. I will look at someone's life and what they have and compare it to what I do not have or how I do not look. I will look at strangers and friends and wish that what they had was me. I will look at someone happy in their career, happy in their body, or happily in love and seethe with envy.
It always comes down to, why not me? Why am I stuck in a rut that I can't climb out of? Why are good things in life never in the cards for me?
I am always stuck in a poor me cycle and I am realizing that I am blinded by the fact that I am getting in the way of my own happiness. My negative thoughts have encompassed my life for as long as I can remember I quite simply do not know how to be anything else. But I am tired, I am tired of being someone hoping and wishing from the sidelines, and have decided to take my fate into my own hands.
I will be the catalyst of change in my life and I will shed the skin I have conformed to and start anew.
Healing is difficult and facing my trauma is one of the things that I have dreaded the most in my life but the generational curse ends with me.
Shadow Work Prompts
With my last post being about shadow work, I thought I’d give y’all some prompts to use.
How does the feeling of envy show up in your life?
What do you need more of in your life?
What do you love most about yourself?
If you could get rid of one bad memory, what would it be and why?
In what ways are you inauthentic?
What irrational fears do you have and how do they hold you back?
Do you hold grudges against others that could be let go? What’s your motive for holding onto them?
What do you hate about others? Why? What might that say about yourself?
What do you need to stop running away from?
What do you need to let go of?
What should you attract into your life?
How do you feel about “love”?
Why do you think you don’t deserve love?
What do you minimize about yourself? What do you flaunt?
How do you deal with criticism?
How do you perceive pain?
Why haven’t you dealt with your past before?
What don’t you like about your life? Why? How can you change it?
How often do you lie to yourself and what about?
What emotion(s) do you try to avoid? Why don’t you want to feel those ways?
Write a letter to someone who hurt you and then burn it.
How does your inner child see you?
How are you deceiving yourself?
What does success mean to you? How are you standing in your own way?
What is going on in your life that you are actively ignoring?
What keeps you motivated?
What inspires you?
Who or what is making your life difficult? How can you deal with it constructively?
How have you been betrayed in your life? What did it teach you?
How has your voice been stifled in the past?
What areas of your life do you excel in?
What are the most important/integral things you have learned over the past few years?
In what ways are you too defensive? Why?
How are you pessimistic in your own life?
Why do you not trust others?
What hardships have you overcome? How has it changed you?
What are you doing to pursue your dreams?
What do you still need to forgive yourself for?
What did that relationship teach you? (you know the one… that one)
How can you maintain your individuality?
In what ways can you be more true to yourself?
In what ways are you lying to yourself? Why?
How can you lead with your heart in your life?
How have your dreams fallen short of reality?
What is your relationship with your mother like?
What is your relationship with your father like?
Write a letter to your inner child. Maybe apologize for what has happened to them and that you couldn’t protect them, tell them how far you have come and how much you have done. Say whatever comes to mind.
How have you been a martyr/victim in your own life?
I’ll keep this post updated with more prompts when I find them
