Trauma - Blog Posts
Edge of Faith -kalika
there is no positive connotation to the word 'narcissist' in any context. if i'm talking about what psychs identify in me as 'narcissistic traits' I use the word because the behavior i'm describing is objectively harmful to myself and others. it's very odd to see people attempt to spin it into something positive as a form of anti-ableism.
its rather annoying to me how its so normal to demonize people that get angry and bitter because of trauma instead of sad. its such a normal reaction to get angry because something bad happens to you but theres so many people that have such tight views of "good victims" that you have anything other than depression or anxiety or smth or turn bitter and theyre like. Your honor, kill them with rocks
FRIEND.
I count the days that have gone by,
To remind myself to be proud,
But the longer the voices have been quiet,
Only makes them all the more loud,
It’s not only when I’m awake I’m fighting,
It happens even when asleep,
I wake up, shaking and shouting,
My veins start to burn as I weep.
That burning hot pain in my back,
Damn, my arms and my wrists and my throat,
can’t smother them with hands or scratches,
It takes over and drapes like a coat.
I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong,
‘Is there anyone out there like me?’
But then I remember my friend, my love,
Good old PTSD.
LOVE, DEAR ABBY
purple and yellow flowers
🪻🌻🪻
you gifted me these purple and yellow flowers
your hands bleeding from picking them
yet smiling at me telling me i was yellow and you were purple
how my heart fluttered at the thoughtful gift, holding them
now dead are these purple and yellow flowers
forever stuck in time, sitting in a gin and tonic bottle on my desk
i wonder if you ever think back at the yellow flowers
how that night when you gifted me the flowers you told me
"its nothing romantic"
but then again, why else would you caress me like that
why else would you hold me against you as you press a kiss to my jaw, cheek and then lips
now its been three months and i stare at these purple and yellow flowers
wondering how much of your words had been true
you had said so many things to me, not sure which were lies and which were the truth
now each time i see purple and yellow flowers i wonder about you
-F
It be like that sometimes.
(Source: @mysillycomics! I got this off Instagram so I didn’t know it cropped the artist credit out!)
So I was talking the other day about my time in the hospital and I was joking about it because how else do you cope with something so overwhelming.
“Hah yeah it’s been a while not that I miss it, the cameras, the restraints,” I think for a moment “ it’s been a year” I say quietly. My smile fades “It’s been a year” I know I wasn’t there as long as the others and I know I’ve since had a better experience in another hospital and I know that I lied my way out. But it’s been a year.
And I didn’t think I’d make it another year.
Chapters: 3/? Fandom: Wild Kratts, Avatar: The Last Airbender (Cartoon 2005) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Donita Donata/Martin Kratt Characters: Martin Kratt, Chris Kratt, Aviva Corcovado, Koki (Wild Kratts), Jimmy Z (Wild Kratts), Zack Varmitech, Donita Donata, Dabio, Gaston Gourmand Additional Tags: Crossover, Autism, ADHD, Martin and Chris are more than ready to throw hands, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort Summary:
Chapter 3 is out now! Martins a little angsty but I feel like it fits his backstory in this
When does her trauma start?
POV: You stared directly at the sun.
(Been awhile since I made Shubble fanart and felt inspired by this sunshine girl! Very Anne of Green Gables-core!)
Panic attack 3. (Pokémon, Goh angst)
Summary: Okay, this is still Raboot, but after the apple, so expect more comfort!
(It will be more comfort this time.)
Third time. (Raboot)
”Ash, where are you!?” screamed Goh into the phone.
“U-uhh,” continued Ash. ”I'm still in town, looking for food!”
”We have food right here!” screamed Goh again.
Him and Ash were in the Johto region, at a hotel, well, he was. Ash was out looking for food, even though they had food in the lobby.
”Yeah, I know! But I've heard that there's great food in the Johto region!”
The hotel was also in the Johto region, so Goh did not understand where he was coming from.
”There's great food here too, idiot!” screamed Goh once again.
”Yeah, I know, but...” said Ash. ”Okay, I'll be home soon, then we can go eat there in the lobby if I haven't found food, okay?”
”Yeah. Get back soon!”
He hung up.
”Raboot- Boot?”
He looked at Raboot, it was sitting on the armchair behind him, with a sleeping Sobble next to it.
He went over to it and picked up the sleeping water-type pokémon, it quickly settled in his arms, and he laid it down on the bed, and pulled the small blanket over it.
”He'll be here soon, guess we have time for ourselves, huh?”
It jumped up from the armchair.
”C'mon, let's go out to the balcony, maybe we can even see Ash when he comes.” said Goh.
He and Raboot went out the balcony.
The view was nice, the stars glistening.
He had always liked the night view, the moonlight.
(Later, Ash hasn't come yet)
He was listening to the people below.
There were three people, obvious teenagers, two boys, one girl. They were talking.
”Oh, c'mon! Don't be stupid, Tito!” said the girl to one of the boys.
”Yeah? And what are you gonna do? Hit me with your karate gloves?” teased Tito, the boy.
Tito brushed his dark hair with his hand.
”Oh, damn! Are you gonna fight her?” asked the other boy. ”Mei, Tito, don't! The cops might come!”
”Don't be a scaredy cat, Conner!” said Tito.
”Your a scaredy cat too. You wouldn't hit me,” said Mei confident. ”You don't hit girls.”
You don't hit girls.
You don't hit girls.
(Flashback)
”Stop, Belle!” cried Goh.
He was on his knees, crying, under Belle, a girl with brown hair with hazel eyes.
”No way!” said Belle, laughing. ”A loser like you is something I just can't ignore! You have to know how much of a loser you are, you crybaby!”
He continued to sob, which only made Belle laugh harder.
”Stop bullying me!”
That's all she ever did.
”What are you gonna do? Hit me?” said Belle. ”You don't hit girls. Didn't you know?”
So it wasn't okay to hit a girl, but it was okay to hit boys? How is that fair?
(Flashback ended)
He sat down, crouched, trying to stop himself from crying.
The same feeling settled in his gut, the one he hadn't felt in a long time.
”You don't hit girls!”
It felt like he was back there, in the playground, that stormy day, being pushed around by her, hearing her sick laugh as he was pushed in the mud, dirtying his clothes.
(Flashback)
He landed in the mud, dirtying his already-dirty clothes even more.
She then went over to him and took a harsh hold of his wrist, pulling him upwards.
”Stop it!” cried Goh.
”No chance!” said Belle, she pulled him down to gain that dominance, forcing him to look up. ”You are such a loser. Got it?”
He sobbed louder, hoping that someone would hear him.
”Quiet down!”, she slapped him, making him shut up. ”They'll catch us, you idiot!”
She then pushed him into a puddle.
She walked forward and dragged him around in the mud.
”Ow, stop! Oww!”
”Your such a crybaby, you know that?” said Belle, getting to him. ”No wonder you have no friends.”
She then pulled him up harshly again. And then, out of the blue, she hit him in the face hard, giving him a bruise under his left eye.
He sobbed.
”Your mean!“
”I'm not mean, I just think that you should know what you are. A loser!” said Belle rudely.
She pulled his hair, and basically threw him in another puddle, making him land on the face.
”Oww!!”, he sat up quickly, his cries getting louder.
The blood ran down his nose.
“Hah! Weak!”
”N-no!”
He tried to stand up but Belle kicked him.
”I'm in control here, understand?”
”M-mommy!”
He wanted his mother, her soft embrace, her soft kisses, and those soft tickles.
”Loser! Only losers are momma's boys!”
She hit him in the face again, making blood drip down his cheek.
”Oww! Please stop!” begged Goh.
”Ugh, why do I waste my time on a nobody like you?” asked Belle rudely. ”Your honestly lucky that I do, you fool.”
She then pushed him in another puddle.
”Belle, come, we're leaving now!” called a female voice, who seemed to be Belle's mother.
”Coming, mommy!” said Belle, but before she left, she turned to Goh one last time. ”Don't tell anyone about this. Oh, and be here tomorrow, or I'll find you, and then it won't be fun.”
She then ran to her mom.
He stood up and ran to his mother, who was shocked when she found him.
”Mommy!”
He ran into her arms.
She immediately picked him up, not caring about the mud or the blood. ”Oh, sweetie, what happened?”, she kissed him on the forehead, and wiped the blood with a tissue.
”Someone was mean to me!” sobbed Goh.
”Oh, poor baby, let's get you cleaned up at home,” cooed Camille.
(Flashback ended)
”Raboot?”
He didn't realize he had zoned out, thinking about the first time he met Belle, and their meeting was not exactly great.
He was on the floor, crouching, tears running down his face- He felt like he needed to puke- Exhale all the anxiety in him- God, he felt terrible.
And Raboot was witnessing it all- For the third time- Couldn't he just control himself?
Belle was right, he was weak, he started having a panic attack just because of one sentence- It was like he had trauma or something-
Did he have trauma?
No, he couldn't, trauma is something big and scary- Like getting kidnapped, raped, or abused- He had just gotten bullied, and that can't be so grand, can it?
(I just want you to know, I don't think this, but Goh does since he doesn't know much about it. Trauma can be anything- But Goh doesn't know that. I'll let you continue reading now, hope you have a good day!)
Raboot stepped closer, making him flinch, it continued taking small steps, and then sat down in his lap, trying to help him.
”It's happening again...”
Raboot didn't deserve this, it had witnessed this three times now.
Quickly, without thinking, he bent over, and puked.
It lasted for a few seconds.
After, he leaned against the railing, not caring about the concerned looks Raboot was sending him.
(Later)
He hugged Raboot when he sat down, after cleaning his vomit.
They had just eaten, it was curry, and now Ash was fast asleep.
”Raboot, thanks.” thanked Goh, he cuddled it closer.
Raboot didn't object, it just simply let his partner embrace it.
At least he wasn't alone, and that mattered.
Mom, please
I want to stop holding back
I want to stop biting my lip
Unleash me like the beast this house has created
I don’t want to tell myself no, just not to escalate it, just not to add more to your plate
I want to strike
Mom, please
His words are killing you
whole life convincing yourself that you’re emotionless, cold and unbothered only to realise many years later that you created that version of yourself because in reality you couldn’t bare the thought of being vulnerable in any way
and when you finally realise that it’s not something to be proud of you also realise that it’s too late to re-learn everything
you feel great shame because you finally see that you weren’t actually strong - all of it was a weakness. the thing you hated the most. you couldn’t embrace it
and worst of all - you realise that you’ve become exactly like the person who hurt you in the beginning
#FeelLikeCrying<3
I need to let my feelings out without feeling like a motherfucking attention seeker, i have resorted to talking to an AI... Help...
Because one thing has become clear to me: you can cope with all the horror as long as you simply duck thinking about it – but it will kill you if you try to come to terms with it.
— Erich Maria Remarque, All Quiet on the Western Front
Just a little vent.
TW // CHILD ABUSE
So, with most people, if they have problems at all with any of their parents it's usually the father they have problems with, right? Well, why doesn't anyone talk about how mothers can be bad parents too? I mean, I'm talking speaking from personal experience, I myself have mommy issues. I have experienced things that I don't even remember. For example, here's a list of things my mother has done (I'm only mentioning the stuff that I know, and since I don't know all of what she did to my brother, I'm only going to list the stuff that I know she did to me. Alright? Alright.):
• Kidnapping me then leaving me naked on the driveway as an infant
• Failing to pay any amount of child support throughout my entire life
• Only wanting to be in contact with me once I turned 10 years old
• Not paying for my education like she promised
• Not responding to any messages about school payments
I'll probably add more later if I can think of anything or if she does something else.
Not as bad but as what you went through but once at my gradmothers house I was painting and I left my art book on the table to go take a piss. It was open but only on the page I was working on. My grandmother flipped through it, found some art I did of jumping off a building that I painted when I was suicidal, and called me out at the lunch table in front of the family.
bitch if Instagram doesn't stop deactivating me, I'm about to give up on that app as a whole. 😭💯
It's 3:02 AM where I live. I haven't showered in around 2 months. I'm afraid of showering because it's horribly uncomfortable and It gives me gender dysphoria. I'm stuck in a constant cycle of loving things/ideas/people with my whole soul to hating them with my whole soul. I don't have a source of income. I don't know how to drive. I live with people that feel like strangers to me. There is only 2 people in this world I would say that I love. I have no friends. I don't talk to my biological father. Whenever I vent I feel like I'm burdening the ones I love with my problems. I can't be myself around anyone but my sibling. I feel tired all the time. I feel angry all the time. I can never get enough sleep. Even though I hate wearing a mask around other people I feel like I have to to convince them not to abandon me. I don't and have never understood who I am at any given moment. I've done terrible things. I have horrible intrusive thoughts that I block out with music. I'm hardly good at anything. I can barely recall anything from my childhood that wasn't painful or traumatic in some way.
I deeply crave death.
It's 3:30 now. Might add more.
reblog and put in the tags a traumatic childhood memory that recently popped back into your head
Pals, I’m gonna tell you one of those hard truths, and I hope that you can read this and think about it in the spirit in which it’s intended.
The vast majority of you do not have “triggers”, you have “squicks”. If you learn the difference, I promise you will be happier and healthier, and you will feel much MUCH less as if all media is attempting to personally attack and traumatize you.
It is ABSOLUTELY LEGIT to dislike something in a piece of media, or to feel disgusted and revolted by it, or to have an aversion to it for any reason and to any degree. That’s normal! That’s absolutely normal, and if that has happened to you, then you are normal too.
But… Words matter. Words have power. There is a difference between “disgust” and “trauma response” – if a person without PTSD or other forms of trauma calls something that disgusts them a “trigger”, they are giving that thing undue and dangerous power over them. You do not have to legitimize your disgust, because your feelings are already valid. But saying “this triggers me” if it doesn’t actually trigger you in the clinical definition means that you are voluntarily giving up some of your own power and agency to the thing you dislike. It means that you are allowing the thing to have a disproportionate impact on your life, that you are giving it power to affect you and get under your skin and stay there. You are building it up into something much more terrifying and monstrous and serious than it deserves to be. Calling it a “squick” makes you bigger than the thing that’s grossing you out – it makes the gross thing into something that you can have power over, that you can vanquish and reject and entirely discard from your life according to your own whimsy. (For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term “squick”, it’s something you don’t like which causes that icky squirmy “ew! no thanks!” feeling. Here’s the Fanlore page for more detail.)
We live in a society that wants to take power away from so many of us at all costs. Nobody hands you power or agency or confidence or strength – you have to claim those for yourself. If you have the ability to take control over something that squicks you, do it. Stand up for yourself and your media experience, and use the word that gives you power. You can turn your back on a squick and walk away without more than a lingering “ugh” feeling; it is almost impossible to do that with a trigger. A trigger ruins your whole day (ask me how I know!).
Words have power. Disgust is a normal human emotion. Your feelings are valid even when they’re not severe and catastrophic.
To R,
I gave you everything and forgot who I was; you lived with me, I stood my ground when you mother screamed at me and threatened my family. I kicked that door down when you od'd, I always defended you. I was there when V was in the hospital and all you did was sob. You almost killed me multiple times and I forgave you. You threatened to kill yourself multiple times to get me to stay, and I did. You stole my money, you used my name to steal. In the end you ghosted me, in the end you told them I was crazy, in the end you lost someone who saw you as a sister. You won't use me again and I remember who I am, goodbye for good. - A
I'm finally angry at the way that I was treated.
come one, come all, it’s happening again lol (the daily drinking is starting to scare me)
oh to being a “we can have fun anyway without alcohol” girl in a world of “let’s get drunk every night of our trip” girls :(
I think this sweet, sad spider became my favorite. Gotta love NB figures, but also.. the way their eyes flickered all the time was so captivating. It made me feel for the simple story hidden behind all the epic drama going on. But being so worked up also made this a lot harder for me to settle on a design/what to depict. I even had a friend write a poem to focus my inspiration (you know who you are). If anyone asks, I'll share it. Otherwise, did anyone think Shamura's bossfight song sounded like a panic attack or violent gasping/sobbing? This spider spun all the way into my feelz ;0;
do you know what sometimes hurts the most the feeling that you want someone to know and comfort you but you Don't want to burden them and it feels like everyone is staring and you feel like you are drowning