Latest Posts by mackerel22 - Page 2

Dazai: I am 100% straight.

Ranpo: Kunikida teaching Atsushi martial arts.

Dazai: I am 90% straight.

Yosano: Dostoevsky in the Dead Apple movie.

Dazai: I am 70% straight.

Ranpo: Sigma wearing his high heels.

Dazai: I am 50% straight.

Atsushi: The Hunting Dog that arrested you.

Dazai: I am 40% straight.

Dazai: Still straight, still doing okay.

Ranpo: Chuuya-

Dazai: I am not straight.

Dazai: Hi, I’m bi. I’m attracted to women because they are incredible and I’m attracted to men because I love making bad choices.

Fukuzawa: And, as always, here's your weekly reminder that therapy and other psychiatric services are covered by the ada healthcare plan.

Dazai:

Dazai, whispering to Kunikida: Why does he always look at me when he says that?

Chuuya: Hey, if I ask you a boy question, will you promise not to be weird about it?

Kouyou: Come on, when have I ever been? Go on, tell me!

Chuuya: Well, Dazai--

Kouyou: You can do better!

Chuuya:

Chuuya: What are you doing?

Dazai, eating a cake at 3am in the bath with a knife: My best.

Chuuya: Shut up!

Dazai: Or what?

Chuuya, thinking what to say that could make Dazai shut up forever:

Chuuya: Or else I'll marry you!

Dazai: *malfunctions*

Dazai: We both look very handsome tonight!

Chuuya: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said "so do you."

Dazai: No you wouldn't.

Chuuya:

Chuuya: Yeah, you're right.

Dazai: What the hell are you doing?

Chuuya, reading Dazai's diary: Sus, be quiet. It's an enemies to lovers very good book.

Dazai: It's not what you think.

Chuuya: Damn, so you're in love with somebody else named Chuuya? What were the odds?!

Dazai: Kunikida and I get along perfectly. Don't we, Kunikida?

Kunikida: I have never been so stressed in my entire life.

Chuuya: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?

Dazai: Pi.

Chuuya: Pi?

Dazai: Low level, but never ending.

Dazai: I need a top.

Ranpo: Chuuya is in the pm, but Atsushi can go get him for you.

Dazai, blushing: I meant for this food container!

Yosano: Ok, bottom...

Dazai: Yosano, please.

Yosano: ...drawer.

Dazai: I’m in love with you.

Chuuya, scoffing: Yeah, how many others have you said that to?

Dazai: Everyone.

Chuuya: …What?

Dazai: I told everyone I’m in love with you.

Akutagawa: Atsushi hasn't text me back and it's been 15 minutes :(

*meanwhile*

Atsushi: Dazai, does "beautiful" have 3 or 4 O's?

Dazai, fully aware of how to spell beautiful: It has 4.

Atsushi, seeing the cops marching past:

Atsushi, who has done nothing wrong ever: They're coming for me.

Dazai, currently wanted for 138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud, along with various and sundry other crimes: Yeah, probably.

Ranpo, first time meeting Dazai about Chuuya: My special abillity says there's a man in your life you're having problems with.

Dazai, angrily: That's an easy guess.

Dazai: I'm clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.

Ranpo: Yes, you clearly are.

Dazai: And then Chuuya walked by ignoring me like I wasn't there.

Odasaku: Does he even know you like him?

Dazai: Idk, I've been ignoring him, been mean to him. What else can I do?

Odasaku:

Ango:

Odasaku: Sounds you've tried everything.

Kunikida: Why is Dazai late, again?

Atsushi, writing Dazai's report: He said he's going through an existential crisis and won't get up of his futon cause he doesn't know what's real anymore. 😅

Kunikida: 😡

*singer!Chuuya au*

Interviewer: Do you ever hear from your exs after you release a song about them?

Chuuya: Well some of them like to write really long emails.

Interviewer: Oh really?

Chuuya: Hm. The guys when I break up with them are like, "You better not write a song about this!"

Chuuya: and I'm like, "No, I wont."

Interviewer:

Chuuya: and then I do.

Interviewer:

Interviewer: Have your ever written a song it was so mean you couldn't release it?

Chuuya: No, I just put those on my albums.

Atsushi: What is it like to be aspec? I don't really get it.

Dazai: Ok, listen up. Mentally I'm very romantic.

Dazai: Physically I'm asexual.

Dazai: Spiritually I'm a fucking slut.

Atsushi: Yep, makes sense.

Dazai: Some of these ppl out here rlly got me struggling to be ace.

Ranpo: You're talking about Chuuya.

Dazai: I'm most def talking about Chuuya.

Dazai: Last night I had a dream that you and I bought matching side by side mansions.

Dazai: But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard.

Chuuya:

Dazai: What do you think it means?

Chuuya:😶

Dazai: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant other and-

Chuuya: I wrote you a poem.

Dazai, already crying: You did???

Chuuya: Here's the thing. So I've known for a while now that Dazai has a little crush on me...

Kouyou: A little crush?

Chuuya:

Kouyou: Well, I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.

Chuuya: Yeah, I don't rlly know who they are...and I don't care, so listen...

Chuuya: The point is Dazai isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.

Kouyou: Darling, Dazai isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with...

Dazai: Now I'll arrange our security.

Atsushi: Why?

Dazai: The mission is dangerous and we're hot. The enemy will want us for our info and our boddies.

Atsushi: Our info maybe...

Dazai: Speak for yourself kitten...

Dazai: Now I'm calling the only man who can fuck me.

Atsushi: What???😨

Dazai, calling Chuuya: I mean, who can protect me...us...

Atsushi: Ugh. 🤦‍♂️

Chuuya, picking up: What now?

Dazai: Well hello my big dick chibi.

Chuuya: What

Atsushi: the

Chuuya: fuck

Atsushi: Dazai!

Dazai: Language everyone!

Chuuya: The mission might be over, but as long as you're around, we'll always get into trouble.

Dazai, happily: Thanks Chuu!!!

Chuuya: Not a compliment.

Dazai: 😔

Dazai: My feelings for Chuuya are strictly platonic.

Ango: I see...What color are his eyes?

Dazai: Ocean blue, not in a weird way but in a way your ship can get lost in their waves and you’d never want to escape because it feels like an adventure and discovering new things in life...

Odasaku: Right...

Ango: What color are my eyes?

Dazai: Idk brown? Shut up Ango I'm talking about Chuuya.

Chuuya, during a mission: How are we gonna get out of this?

Dazai: Don't worry, I have a plan!

Chuuya: *sighs* Ah, the four words society fears most.

Chuuya: *gets down on one knee*

Dazai, also getting down on his knees: What are we looking for?

Chuuya, who had been reaching for the ring in his pocket: Dude...

Dazai, being captured by the enemy who is dragging him away : Let me go and I'll pay you whatever you want.

Dazai: Fuck I forgot my wallet!

Dazai: *turns back to look at Chuuya*

Dazai: Chuuya, pay him whatever he wants !!!

Dazai, extremely drunk: Who is.....who is that ginger beauty who wears a hat with those perfect blue eyes?

Yosano: That's your boyfri-

Dazai: I'll fuck him tonight, don't tell Chuuya.

Yosano: Ok bro, I won't tell him.

*20 minutes later*

Chuuya, also very very drunk: Sorry man, you're rlly hot but I have a boyfriend...

Dazai: I see, let's call him to join us then! 😉

Chuuya: *calls Dazai and Dazai's phone rings*

Dazai, picking up the phone: Hellooo...

Chuuya, looking at Dazai: 😶

Dazai, looking at Chuuya: 😶

Yosano: 🤦‍♀️