Latest Posts by mackerel22 - Page 3
Chuuya: *beating the shit out of the enemy using his gravity powers*
Dazai, under his breath: He’s so strong and so dumb and one day he's gonna top me!
Dazai: I’m an excellent driver.
Chuuya: You almost ran over a woman by accident.
Dazai, remembering how that woman smiled at Chuuya flirtatious: Ah yes… by accident… yes.
Dazai: When I was 15 I googled "two men kissing" on Mori's computer and when he asked me why that was in his search bar, I said "Idk, you tell me"
Dazai: and it worked.
Dazai: If you tell anyone that we kissed I promise I will make your 2024 a living nightmare.
Chuuya: How is that any different from now?
*in a port mafia meeting*
Chuuya, looking down at 69 new guns Dazai bought: How did you pay for all of these again?
Dazai: I used your credit card, I memorized the number.
Dazai: It's 9481 6400 2--
Chuuya: *punches Dazai in the face so he stops talking*
Atsushi: Chuuya kissed you?
Dazai, staring woefully out of his window: Aha...
Atsushi: And you said thank you…?
Dazai: Yeah...
Atsushi: Well that was very polite of you.
*meanwhile*
Chuuya: Thank you?!?! WTF DOES THAT MEAN?
Kouyou: He’s stupid Chuuya you know that!
Kunikida: Ranpo have you seen Dazai?
Ranpo, clearly lying: Um, no. That idiot's probably off working his dumb plan.
Ranpo, who also helps Dazai with his plan: He's so stupid.
Kunikida:
Ranpo: You know, the only reason the president hasn't fired him is that we're worried that he'll kill himself.
Ranpo: *leaves*
Kunikida, internally: Yep. They're up to something together.
Dazai: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Chuuya: Wow. They sound stupid.
Dazai: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
Chuuya: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… "Hey! I love you!"
Dazai: I guess you’re right. Hey Chuuya, I love you.
Chuuya: See! Just say that!
Dazia: Holy fucking shit.
Chuuya: If that flies over their head then, sorry mackerel, but they're too dumb for you.
Dazai:
*married skk au where Chuuya is an ada member and he and Dazai brought their child to work*
Dazai: Chibi, we know where the serial killer is. Me and Kunikida will go arrest him. I need you to take the baby.
Chuuya: No, you need to take the baby. I have to go right now.
Dazai: So what do we do???
Chuuya: I guess we can call that creepy babysitter we interviewed this morning.
Dazai: Turned out that babysitter is the serial killer we are looking for.
Chuuya, yelling: Even better! Two birds, one stone. We bring him to you!
Dazai, yelling: We're not giving our baby to a serial killer!
Yosano: Hey, Dazai, who's your favorite singer or band?
Dazai: I don't really have one.
Yosano: Oh c'mon pretty boy, everyone has one.
Kunikida: It's propably arctic monkeys.
Dazai: Fine. If you really wanna know that bad...it's taylor swift.
Yosano: Who? Gotta speak up.
Dazai: Taylor Swift.
Ranpo: HAH, I KNEW IT! YOU ALL OWE ME FIVE BUCKS.
Chuuya: When I was 16 and incapable of expressing any feelings, I got a crush on someone and because I didn't know what else to do, I wrote them a letter on Christmas that said; "I hate your guts. Wish you are miserable for the rest of your life."
Dazai:
Dazai: ... wait whAT? IT WAS YOU?!
Dazai: I hope I get run over.
Atsushi: Aww, come on, it's Christmas! Get in the spirit!
Dazai, sighs: Fine, I hope I get run over by a reindeer.
Chuuya: What do you want for christmas?
Dazai: You in a maid outfit.
Chuuya: 🖕
Dazai: How old were you guys when you found out Santa wasn't real?
Atsushi, whispering to Kunikida: How old am I?
Kunikida: You’re 18, Atsushi.
Atsushi, sadly: I was 18.
*skk flower shop au*
Chuuya, STORMING into the flower shop Dazai runs: *slams 20 bucks on the counter, startling him*
Chuuya: How do I passive-aggressively say “fuck you” in flower?
Dazai: *barely bats an eye after the initial shock* That depends on what you want. You could do geraniums for stupidity, foxglove for insincerity, yellow carnations for disappointment, or orange Lilly’s for hatred, anything else?
Chuuya:
Chuuya: … I think I’m in love with you.
Dazai: What?
Chuuya: What?
Dazai: Dear Santa,
Dazai: I’m writing to you because I know I’ve been naughty...
Dazai: And it was totally worth it, you judgmental bastard!
*how Dazai overcame his fear of dogs*
ada Dazai: They say that the phobias are overcomed by taking incremental steps to confronting the phobia in question.
ada Dazai: In my case, that started with watching a tv show that was adored by all children but for me was a staff of nightmares.
*flashback*
15!Dazai: *watches Scooby Doo*
*end of flashback*
ada Dazai: The next step was to come face to face with real dogs.
*flashback*
15!Dazai outside a pet shop, looking at 5 adorable puppies: Ok that's enough. *runs away scared*
*end of flashback*
ada Dazai: AND finally, a close encounter of the third kind; physicall contact with the canine spices.
ada Dazai: *points at Chuuya*
Atsushi: What was Chuuya like when he was a little?
Dazai: Oh I think you mean young. He's always been little.
Ango: They say partners can never be just friends. It's always sexual.
Dazai: *scoffs* That's dumb. Look at me and Chuuya. There's nothing sexual between us.
Oda:
Ango:
Dazai: I don't get paid enough to deal with Mori. He describes me as "also gay for girls."
Chuuya: Yuck.
*after that dead apple scene*
Chuuya: We had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!
Dazai: Nope, don't remember. Didn't happen.
Chuuya, drunk: I mean Dazai is just an egotistical bitch who only cares about himself.
Kajii: Literally I just said I dont care.
Chuuya: And then he'll call me and try to see how my day was and he'll pretend to care about me and comment on my photos and laugh at my jokes and~
Hirotsu: Oh well, that's definitely your clue right there that it's all bullshit.
Chuuya: Ikr,
Chuuya: he's just a fake privilege asshole.
*married soukoku au*
Chuuya: I dont understand. I thought we were on the same page about kids. We talked about this.
Dazai: We did?
*flashback*
Chuuya: Aw, look at these pictures of Q and Elise.
Chuuya: *shows photos of the kids in a water park*
Dazai: Mm.
Chuuya: We should do this someday. What do you think?
Dazai: Are you kidding me? Of course!
*end of flashback*
Dazai: I was talking about going to the water park! You were talking about having kids???
Chuuya: Yeah! I said, "Do you think we can afford it?" and you said, "We'll start saving right away."
Dazai: So you mean, all that water park money I've been saving, you want to spend it on kids now?
*Dazai and Chuuya get captured and are tied together*
Dazai: Chill out slug. It's not like you've never been tied up before.
Chuuya, talking really fast: Sure. But there weren't involved a psycho and a piece of shit.
Dazai: Am I... Okay, Am I the the psycho or the piece of shit?
Chuuya: Both.
Kunikida: Dazai, just ask him out!
Dazai: Absolutely not, there’s no way he’s interested.
Atsushi: *confused* Wait, hold on- Mr. Dazai AND MR. CHUUYA HAVENT BEEN DATING THIS WHOLE TIME???
Chuuya: I find that I adore a person pleasantly more if they can speak a second language, especially French.
Dazai: Ma ciao!
Chuuya:
Dazai: *has music loud while dancing in the middle of the office*
Kunikida, turning down the volume: Get back to work, now Dazai!
Dazai: How dare you, Iago, Backstabber?
Kunikida: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Dazai: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.
Kunikida: Are you sure you can handle it?
Dazai: Uh, well, let's see;
Dazai: Difficult, last-minute and crucial as hell.
Dazai: Meets all the Dazai criteria.
Ranpo: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.
Fukuzawa: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?
Ranpo: Breakfast burrito but yeah...
Fukuzawa: I pity your dentist.
Ranpo: Joke's on you I don't have a dentist.
Fukuzawa:
Fukuzawa: I'm taking you to the dentist.
Chuuya: Dazai, I said that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been 5 seconds late to our date. Please say something.
Dazai: Karma's gonna track you down, step by step from town to town...
Chuuya: I-