Borderline Blog - Blog Posts
two months ago in psych ward
why am i even bothering with sobriety and cleanness at this point. all i wanna do is be high and forget how fucking miserable im gonna be for the rest of my life. just for a few hours. but i cAnT because tHinGs WoNt EvEr gEt BeTtEr iF yOuRe uSiNg. who the fuck cares if it gets better at this point? it obviously fucking won't. i'm trapped in this fucking disgusting body forever. the least i can do for myself is make myself happy for a little while.
it is 11:40pm. i logically know that my friends are asleep and not deliberately ignoring me. does that stop the mean angry gnome in my brain from telling me they despise my existence in their lives? absolutely not
and the worst part is that the only person i have to talk to, is said mean angry brain gnome. 🙃
because everyone else is asleep. 🙃
chat should i actually block every single one of my friends from my hometown and completely isolate myself in another province
"read 2 hours ago" okay what if i just block you and you never hear from me again instead
is anyone else's mother a passive aggressive cunt for no reason or is it just mine
theres something about being called "buddy" by someone who used to call you their "babyboy" that really just stabs me 87 in the chest
you know when you're talking to your friend who you also used to date and they're talking about their new love interests and it's all you can fucking do not to lose your shit and split on them and just listen and congratulate them because logically you love that person because they are your best friend and they also love you but shit just didn't work romantically between the two of you but now every time they talk about it you wanna put scissors in your ears because you feel so fucking lonely and disgusting and unworthy of the thing that everyone else has but you don't??
no me neither
THEY REPLACED ME
theyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedme
they said i was their favourite
they said they loved me
they said that IM their number one
WHY DID THEY REPLACE ME
DID I JST MEAN NOTHING TO THEM
DID THEY JST LIE THIS WHOLE TIME
IF THEY WERE TELLING THE TRUTH, HOW DID THEY REPLACE ME SO EASILY
am i rlly that replaceable?
to that one person
no revenge bcz one day ull realize i only had the purest intentions towards u, i never hurt u, all i did was love u, n i hope ull realize it n that itll haunt u for the rest of ur life
you might not like me anymore but ill always love you. ill never meet someone who is as amazing and pretty as you, and, in turn, youll never meet someone whos even a little bit similar to me, and i hope that fucking haunts you.
God, I wanna love someone so bad.
I wanna give them all of my time.
Text them during every single minute i can steal.
Cuddle them to sleep,
Caress their face,
Stroke trough their hair,
Binge-watching with them..
Someone who doesn't get annoyed.
Someone who gives me the same back.
Fuck Sex, i just wanna feel worthy for more.
I wanna feel loveable. I wanna feel seen.
I wanna feel them.
TRIGGERWARNING. detailed Borderline Episodes.
Imagine you have a good day, you feel euphoric, no one can hurt you. Why are you in therapy again? Your life isn't that bad, its fun, right?
Snap
Oh. You don't feel anymore? Hm, same old numbness. What now? What should you do? Its stressing you out at some point? Why can't you feel anymore? You do want help, want to reach out.
Snap
No. You don't need anyone. Who cares anyway? They will leave. Everyone does. You don't need anyone, you have yourself. Fuck people.
Snap
Why do you start to cry? You probably don't know. Then everything crashed down, and you end up scream crying. Why is there nobody to help? Why you? Why can't you feel normal? Everything hurts. Your body hurts physically. Headache, dizziness, stomach pain, chest pain. You feel like you explode. Your skin feels like burning.
Maybe you get self-destructive. But it doesn't hurt. Everything else does.
Snap
You hate anyone. You truly do. You hate them, you hate yourself, you yell and hit walls and start to cry only to laugh in the next moment. Why? Why? Why? It repeats in your head. Selfhate, words of others, it doesn't stop. It never stops.
Repeat.
Every day.
Borderline is a serious mental illness. It causes death. It causes pain. Much more pain individual's without Borderline CAN'T imagine.
Oh fuck, and I am sick of it.
I know, and you know it too. There is just that fat ass hill we need to climb up, to get actually better. But where is the path? Does it really exist? How? How do we get there? How long can we stay up there? Will someone push us down again?
Since i got my first tattoo i wanna have more (impulsive ones) ðŸ˜
Someone stop me i'm broke.
Plus, I found to much comfort in that pain oop~
Episodes
First of all, English isn´t my first language. Secondly, please be aware that every Borderline Personality Feels different. Lastly, Triggerwarning! i am not sure how this affects others.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "I can handle your Episodes!" They say,
Until they experience the first Depression episode, realising that i may accept their hugs but won´t feel better. Perhaps trying to say nice words, unfortunately triggering a Rage Episode.
They realise, that they actually can´t really help and that (surprise surprise) Episodes do change the Personality. Until they experience the first splitting episode, realising that i won´t insult them or hurt them physically. They will feel like i hate them, because with this episode having the upperhand, i do.
until they realise that i am not the girl they started to like anymore, perhaps i don´t even know myself who i am at some points. And if i get back to the person they got to know first, back in the infinite emptyness i found comfort in and have my own mind back, feeling guilty and sorry. Are they able to handle it? every single day?
because i can´t. i am trying to help myself, get therapy, taking meds. i don´t want them to suffer because of me, i am scared of getting emotionally attached again. scared to loose them before i even got them.
But i don´t judge them for leaving again neither, because i am aware of how rough it can get. Yet i can´t change it, everything getting numb with a new episode. My own head yelling at me, insulting me on the worst way possible.
How could they understand without having it themselves? the feeling of fire inside of you, the pressure, the pain, the helplessness, the anxiety, the overwhelming emotion rolling over your body, daring to crush you.
so much the touch of others scares you to death, scared they would let you explode, their voices blurred and seemingly only there to judge even if they aren´t.
Its just to much.
Do they still think they can handle my episodes? even if, do they truly want to?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Maybe, just maybe we all can figure our way out of hell alive some day. Find a person who can handle any of our personalitys, without letting it crush themselve. Don´t give up. Thanks for reading, have a nice day <;3
Sometimes i feel like sh-ing then i remember
i already have cvts stinging that are extremely painful why do i feel like i need more? why isn't what i have ever enough pain?
Unfortunately this sounds so me
date idea: u tell me exactly how u feel about me in specific detail until my brain calms down and stops thinking u hate me