Chuuya: If we were together every day, all day, if we slept together, if we woke up together and if we ate together what would we be?
Dazai: A master and his dog?
Chuuya:
Chuuya: NO.
Chuuya: Okay, listen... We just gotta stop hanging out with geniuses because you're gonna figure out that I'm really stupid.
Dazai: What? Don't worry about that.
Chuuya: *smiling* Hmm?
Dazai: I figured out a long time ago how stupid you are.
Chuuya: *contemplating murder*
Dazai: We're finally getting along. It's been 24 hours since the last time we fought. Isn't that great?
Chuuya: No, it isn't. We complete the missions faster when we're fighting.
Dazai: Quick then, say something annoying!
Chuuya: Osamu, I'm in love with you.
Dazai: I'm sorry, what? Since when?
Chuuya: Idk, it just happened.
Dazai: How? You think I'm annoying.
Chuuya: You are.
Dazai:
Chuuya: It's one of your most endearing qualities.
Dazai, who had a sex dream about Chuuya: Drunk ppl do tons of things they don't normally do when their sleeping, like snore and have really weird dreams.
Dazai: Like sex dreams but it doesn't even matter cause dreams don't mean anything.
Chuuya, who also had a sex dream about Dazai: You're right. They don't mean anyhting. You can have a sex dream about someone you're repulsed by irl.
Dazai: Yes, yes exactly. Thank you, Chuuya.
Dazai: You could have a sex dream about, like, me.
Chuuya: But I didn't.
Chuuya: And if I had it would be a sex nightmare cause I hate you.
Dazai: And I hate you too, thank you.
Dazai: Please don't tell anyone but I think I'm a little bit in love with Chuuya.
Atsushi, who genuinely believed the two of them had been married for the past 7 years: ???
Atsushi: Oh.
Dazai, about Chuuya: Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, you want to get fucked by a short ginger.
Ango: 🤦♂️
Odasaku: Please stop talking.
Dazai, trying to impress Chuuya: I'm great in sex. I've lost count how many times I've done it.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Masturbation does not count as having sex.
A random drunk girl trying to pick Dazai up at a bar: I've never even kissed a guy.
Dazai, staring intently at Chuuya across the room, chin propped up on his hand: Me neither~
Atsushi, trying to convince Chuuya to join the group: You know... I thought it'd be good to have someone come along who's really... strong!
Dazai: And loud!
Dazai: And grumpy!
Dazai: And short!
Dazai: And oblivious to reality!
Chuuya:
Chuuya: When I have a crush I don't kick my feet or twirl my hair. Chuuya: Instead I am in my kitchen at 3am pacing in circles with my hands clasped behind my back like a middle-aged divorced detective haunted by a cold case he just can't crack.
Dazai, whispering to Chuuya's ear during a pm meeting: I'm sure that no one here has as big of a dick as you.
Chuuya: WTF?
Dazai: Sorry, I misspoke. I meant no one here is as big of a dick as you.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Sure...
Chuuya: Isn't the idea supposed to be "you saved my life, now I owe you a debt?" Dazai: Nope. Other way round. You saved my life, so now I'm your problem. If you don't like it, then kill me. Dazai: God wanted me dead, now you get to find out why.
Dazai: I love you 🥰.
Chuuya: Why should I believe you? All the guys I've dated were dogs.
Dazai:
Chuuya: Well, aren't you gonna say anything?
Dazai:
Dazai: Meow...
Dazai: I dare you to marry me.
Chuuya: No. I'm not falling for that idiot.
Dazai: Then I win.
Chuuya: What? No you don’t. I’ll marry the hell out of you. You’re officially my wife now. You can’t beat me like that.
Dazai: I want my vagina shaved ladies.
Chuuya: Then shave your vagina, Dazai.
Dazai, pulling out an engagement ring: Got it a week after we first met.
Chuuya:
Chuuya, also pulling out a ring: Got it yesterday.
Dazai: *on the phone* Hey, Chuuya~
Dazai: Do you know my blood type?
Chuuya: Of course, its AB.
Dazai: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-
Stormbringer!Dazai: My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Chuuya speed-run the five stages of grief as he realises that he still wants to do yaoi stuff with me.
Chuuya: what the fuck are you looking at?
Dazai, on the inside: You’re so beautiful and I'm so in love with every part of you. The curve of your mouth when you laugh while you're having a good fight. How you stand leaning on your side with your hands in your pocket. The way your hair shines like the sun and how you always blush when I get too close. I’m so lucky to have you. You are the greatest person I’ve ever met and I will never regret meeting you. I would find you and love you in every lifetime.
Dazai, out loud: You got shorter.
Chuuya: What are you doing?
Dazai, eating a cake at 3am in the bath with a knife: My best.
Chuuya: Shut up!
Dazai: Or what?
Chuuya, thinking what to say that could make Dazai shut up forever:
Chuuya: Or else I'll marry you!
Dazai: *malfunctions*
Dazai: We both look very handsome tonight!
Chuuya: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said "so do you."
Dazai: No you wouldn't.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Yeah, you're right.
Dazai: What the hell are you doing?
Chuuya, reading Dazai's diary: Sus, be quiet. It's an enemies to lovers very good book.
Dazai: It's not what you think.
Chuuya: Damn, so you're in love with somebody else named Chuuya? What were the odds?!
Chuuya: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?
Dazai: Pi.
Chuuya: Pi?
Dazai: Low level, but never ending.
Dazai: I’m in love with you.
Chuuya, scoffing: Yeah, how many others have you said that to?
Dazai: Everyone.
Chuuya: …What?
Dazai: I told everyone I’m in love with you.
*singer!Chuuya au*
Interviewer: Do you ever hear from your exs after you release a song about them?
Chuuya: Well some of them like to write really long emails.
Interviewer: Oh really?
Chuuya: Hm. The guys when I break up with them are like, "You better not write a song about this!"
Chuuya: and I'm like, "No, I wont."
Interviewer:
Chuuya: and then I do.
Interviewer:
Interviewer: Have your ever written a song it was so mean you couldn't release it?
Chuuya: No, I just put those on my albums.
Dazai: Some of these ppl out here rlly got me struggling to be ace.
Ranpo: You're talking about Chuuya.
Dazai: I'm most def talking about Chuuya.
Dazai: Last night I had a dream that you and I bought matching side by side mansions.
Dazai: But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard.
Chuuya:
Dazai: What do you think it means?
Chuuya:😶
Dazai: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant other and-
Chuuya: I wrote you a poem.
Dazai, already crying: You did???